Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

by Celia Rivenbark

From the wickedly hilarious pen of Southern humorist Celia Rivenbark comes a collection of essays that brings to mind Dave Barry (in high heels) or Jeff Foxworthy (in a prom dress).

Step into the wacky world of "womanless wedding" fund-raisers, in which Bubbas wear boas. Meet two sisters who fight rural boredom by washing Budweiser cans and cutting them into pieces to make clothing. Learn why the word snow sends any right-thinking Southerner careening to the Food Lion for extra loaves of bread and little else.

Humor columnist and slightly crazed belle-by-birth Celia Rivenbark tackles these and other lard-laden subjects in Bless Your Heart, Tramp, a hilarious look at Southern---and just plain human---foibles, up-close and personal.
So pour yourself a glass of sweet tea and curl up on the pie-azza with Bless Your Heart, Tramp.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Southern, Essays, Chick Lit, Memoir, Book Club

210 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 2000

About the author

Celia Rivenbark was born and raised in Duplin County, NC, which had the distinction of being the nation's number 1 producer of hogs and turkeys during a brief, magical moment in the early 1980s.
Celia grew up in a small house in the country with a red barn out back that was populated by a couple of dozen lanky and unvaccinated cats. Her grandparents' house, just across the ditch, had the first indoor plumbing in Teachey, NC and family lore swears that people came from miles around just to watch the toilet flush.
Despite this proud plumbing tradition, Celia grew up without a washer and dryer. On every Sunday afternoon of her childhood, while her mama rested up from preparing a fried chicken and sweet potato casserole lunch, she, her sister and her daddy rode to the laundromat two miles away to do the weekly wash.
It was at this laundromat, where a carefully lettered sign reminded customers that management was "NOT RESONSIBLE" for lost items, that Celia shirked "resonsibility" her own self and snuck away to read the big, fat Sunday News & Observer out of Raleigh, NC. By age 7, she'd decided to be a newspaper reporter.
Late nights, she'd listen to the feed trucks rattle by on the highway and she'd go to sleep wondering what exotic cities those noisy trucks would be in by morning (Richmond? Atlanta? Charlotte?) Their headlights crawling across the walls of her little pink bedroom at the edge of a soybean field were like constellations pointing the way to a bigger life, a better place, a place where there wasn't so much turkey shit everywhere.
After a couple of years of college, Celia went to work for her hometown paper, the Wallace, NC Enterprise. The locals loved to say, as they renewed their "perscriptions," that "you can eat a pot of rice and read the Enterprise and go to bed with nothing on your stomach and nothing on your mind."
Mebbe. But Celia loved the Enterprise. Where else could you cover a dead body being hauled out of the river (alcohol was once again a contributing factor) in the morning and then write up weddings in the afternoon?
After eight years, however, taking front-page photos of the publisher shaking hands with other fez-wearing Shriners and tomatoes shaped like male "ginny-talia" was losing its appeal.
Celia went to work for the Wilmington, NC Morning Star after a savvy features editor was charmed by a lead paragraph in an Enterprise story about the rare birth of a mule: "Her mother was a nag and her father was a jackass."
The Morning Star was no News and Observer but it came out every day and Celia got to write weddings for 55,000 readers instead of 3,500, plus she got a paycheck every two weeks with that nifty New York Times logo on it.
After an unfortunate stint as a copy editor - her ass expanded to a good six ax handles across - Celia started writing a weekly humor column that fulfilled her lifelong dream of being paid to be a smart ass. Along the way, she won a bunch of press awards, including a national health journalism award - hilarious when you consider she's never met a steamed vegetable she could keep down.
Having met and married a cute guy in sports, Celia found herself happily knocked up at age 40 and, after 21 years, she quit newspapering to stay home with her new baby girl.
After a year or so, she started using Sophie's two-hour naps to write a humor column from the mommie front lines for the Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. The column continues to run weekly and is syndicated by the McClatchy-Tribune News Services.
In 2000, Coastal Carolina Press published a collection of Celia's columns. A Southeast Book Sellers Association best-seller, Bless Your Heart, Tramp was nominated for the James Thurber Prize in 2001. David Sedaris won. He wins everything.

http://us.macmillan.com/author/celiar...

Reviews

[Shelley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard a lot of negative reviews on this book and a lot of great reviews. As someone who lives in Alabama now but not originally from here (born in Florida), I can see how it might offend people who do not understand the culture and lifestyle of many of the people in the South. For instance, I had NEVER heard of something called "Decoration Day" until I married and moved here. That is where you go to the cemetery on a certain day, clean it up, take fresh flowers and, in LOTS of more rural spots, you take a load of dirt to pile up on granny's grave. When you leave it looks like you just buried her. CREEPY is how I describe it. Normal way of life is how my husband's family describes it. But the euphemisms and sayings that Rivenbark uses are so true to what I hear on a daily basis in my job. If I don't hear Bless Your Heart 10 times in one afternoon there is a crisis somewhere. But the most important thing to remember about this author is that she can see the humor in life. We do laugh at ourselves here. And at each other. And at most everything. We have to...it is too hot to be mad about much for long. So don't be offended by the things you would NEVER say in public. We do that here. We are Southern.

Funny book that kept me smiling and sometimes chuckling and sometimes laughing so hard I thought I was gonna spew tea out my nose. She is right on the money on SOOOOO much of this. Just don't read it if you are uptight and easily mortified or offended. :)

[Christina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a collection of humorous essays that were originally published in a South Carolina newspaper. Brooke and I read them in the car as we were driving cross-country, and we really enjoyed them. They are light and fun, but I didn't think every single one was a jem. A fair number from the "at home" too much "Men are like this, and Women are like this" humor for my taste, and in general I can't say that the humor seemed natural or effortless. They were definitely moments in almost every essay where I smiled or chucked or even laughed aloud because I thought things were genuinely funny, but then there were also moments where I felt compelled to laugh because it was so obvious that the author was TRYING (really hard) to be funny. There were also lots of references that might have been really funny if they hadn't totally gone over my head. Maybe you have to actually be from the south to appreciate these essays fully.
This book was fun to read, though, and I liked it at least as much as the other collection I read by Rivenbark, We're Just Like You, Only Prettier. I'd recommend her writing for anybody who is looking for a little light, southern humor. My favorite parts were when she wrote the redneck accent phonetically, like writing the word "har" for "hair." Tee-hee.

[Ginger · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was mildly humorous -- suitable for bubble bath reading, but I certainly can't recommend it.

My biggest beef with Ms. Rivenbark isn't her unoriginal observations, but the unbelievability of her Southerness. Sure, she knows a few Southern "endearments." And she might hail from North Carolina, but her attitudes are distinctly un-Southern.

Many of her essays were about how lazy in the home and in the kitchen she is (Southern women are nothing if not prideful of their ability to keep a house, whip up a delicious meal, and ensure their little ones are turned out just so).

They just seemed like a lot of slightly random musings that could have happened anywhere in the country, with a few Southern-isms thrown in. I was looking forward to some real Southern insight. I just don't buy her as a true Southerner.

I've picked up a couple other of Ms. Rivenbark's books, so I'll give them a try in hopes they'll be more enjoyable. But a nice, light, quick read for a brain rest.

[Tamara · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was given this book along with three other's by the author from a friend's bookshelf. Maybe I shouldn't have started with this one... I thought it was "meh". I didn't think she was that funny. I thought she was narrow minded. And I thought the vignettes were too short to really have any substance. Ugh, I still have three more of hers to go.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is hilarious! Anyone, especially a southern woman, will get much enjoyment out of reading this book. She pokes fun at all southerns and our other antics, as she herself is Southern. Written in short series of tons of stories, related to her, her family, neighbors, friends, and even strangers. Many of the stories I could relate to myself in my own life, being from the South I found these stories have played out in my life at times too. I found myself NUMEROUS times laughing out loud, even so hard I was brought to tears a few times. I loved it so much I have already bought another one of her books to read.

[Deodand · Rating 1 out of 5]

I grow impatient with Rivenbark's "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" shtick. My husband doesn't have stinky socks, I can send him to the grocery store with a list, and he can complete a chore. He doesn't care for football. And...none of these things make him unusual around here.

I never liked that type of humour where a woman says, Ladies, aren't men all just a bunch of barely-civilized grunting gross pigs? No, they aren't. The dirty little secret is that they're just like us, only with a dick and balls instead of a vagina. But don't tell anyone!

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't like this book because the author bases most of her humor on big, fat stereotypes. When it was supposed to make me laugh, it merely irritated me. So I quit reading it. I am still irritated, however.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not quite as laugh out loud funny as some of Celia Rivenbark's other books, but still funny and a quick read. I just love her sarcastic sense of humor!

[Kathy (Bermudaonion) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bless Your Heart Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments by Celia Rivenbark is a quick, fun read that will have you laughing out loud. It isn’t really a novel; it’s a collection of 3 and 4 page humorous observations about life, told from the female perspective. At first, I thought you’d have to have some familiarity with the Deep South to understand it, but quickly discovered I was wrong. (There are some passages that may be lost on non-Southerners, though.) I found myself laughing out loud and reading passages to other people as I read this book. This will give you an idea of what the book’s like:

"Men, for instance, will never understand Basic Women’s Economics. I cannot tell you how often I have tried to explain to my husband how it possible to actually SAVE money by spending it.

Instead of seeing that I spent $200 on $300 worth of clothes that were on sale and applauding my shopping savvy, my husband thinks we’re still out $200.

He’s so crazy."

I must explain that the title of this book comes from the Southern practice of tempering even the mildest insult with “Bless his/her heart.” Bless her heart sounds so sweet, but it really signifies disapproval. I have to confess that I am guilty of peppering my every day speech with this term, so when I saw this book, I knew it was for me. I really enjoyed it and recommend it to anyone who needs a light, funny read.

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

A collection of columns, these observations on life (from a Southern perspective) are, as a whole, amusing. I wish the book had been organized chronologically rather than by “subject” (the first section makes it seem like it’s going to be run-of-the-mill Mommy humor, which can be entertaining but was, on the whole, the weakest part of the book) and that the references had not been updated to coincide with the republishing (I read the 2006 library edition, and a mention of Ashton and Demi dating followed by a present-tense comment on Al Gore running for president is just weird). The columns are nothing groundbreaking, but Ms. Rivenbark’s light style makes for a mindless, enjoyable read. Recommended.

[Candis · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was sometimes incredibly funny, and somtimes incredibly cliche, and sometimes (as a Southern-born-and-bread woman) incredibly off-the-mark with my personal experiences...but overall, I enjoyed it and will probably read her other books. The reading experience was very much like reading a collection of witty newspaper columns. If you are a woman and have a short attention span when it comes to reading, you will enjoy this book because the chapters are short - you will not have time to get bored. By the way, I DO actually have friends (not goodreads friends but real-life friends) who get "bored" reading - I say, Only boring people get bored! ha!

[Vonze · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't sure what to expect with this book. At first glance, I thought it was going to be a collection of essays about why Southerns are the way we are (history lesson, maybe?). However, the book is actually a collection of funny "slice-of-life" moments from columnist Celia Rivenbark's adventures as wife, mother and Southerner. The book is broken into three sections: At Home, The South, And Everywhere Else. Of the three sections, I enjoyed At Home, where she mainly writes about her husband and daughter, the best. I loved Celia's wit and sarcasm. Her humor reminded me of novelist Meg Cabot. I'm planning to read more Celia Rivenbark books in the future.

[Kelly · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is not a horrible book. It is dated and the description of it is a bit misleading. I picked it up thinking it would be a humorous look into the colorful side of the South and its quirks. What I actually read was an ok comedian from South Carolina attempt at a book. The topics she refers to are very dated and hardly specific to one region. The comedy is mild at best and sometimes feels "pushed". The last section of the book is noticeably forced. Each chapter gets smaller and smaller; like she was struggling to reach her page minimum. I don't regret reading it, but I would not recommend it and I'm glad I didn't spend an extended amount if time reading it.

[Bunny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, seriously? Love this author.

She's far more Southern than I am, but most of what she says I can relate to from being in the South for so long. She's ridiculously funny, and I was sitting outside in my backyard, laughing so loudly I'm fairly certain my neighbors think I'm the crazy lady who just moved in a few months ago and don't ever borrow a cup of sugar from her.

I adore her. I have to read more by her, ASAP. She's amazing for a good laugh.

[Cari · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked the shorts in Bless Your Heart, Tramp, but unfortunately, they were too short. In this, Rivenbark's writing felt choppy and disconnected, making her first book the least enjoyable for me, despite the ready humor. (I enjoyed two others by her much, much more.) Plainly, these essays started out as newspaper columns; too bad nobody thought to have her flesh them out a little more for the book.

[Jaime · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I do like her sense of humor and sarcasm, I had a little problem with some of the more "Southern" stuff that she writes about. I was born and raised in the south and had the most country grandmother in the world and I can say that I NEVER heard her use terms that Celia Rivenbark uses in her columns. I even called some Southern friends and asked if they heard of some of the terms and mannerisms and they were as puzzled as I was.

But besides that little problem, I did enjoy the book.

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Celia is a relative of mine and yes, she is funny, smart, and thoroughly Southern (minus the Confederate perspective TG) Some of her snarky, suburban Southernisms are beyond or below my frame of reference, but if you don't LOL at least once while reading any of her books, well, I'm sure she'd have some kind of remark about you that could be construed to be taken as complimentary or sympathetic. Bless your heart...

[Julie · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was a book club selection- I had never read anything by this writer before. I only made it through about 8 anecdotes and could not read anymore. I did not find her the least bit amusing. Perhaps because I am a transplanted northerner ( though I have lived in the south ( VA, NC, GA) for a total of 10 years).

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first book like this that I had read. A book that is full of small writing essays by the author more than likely done for the newspaper she works for. It was a bit weird at times but overall I liked it and found myself laughing at some of the articles while other times I was bored by some but in the end it was an okay read.

[treehugger · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short little stories that take only a couple of minutes each, but that often elicit out-loud laughter! LOVED the bit about Subarus and lesbians :) :).

Some of the essays were just so-so, but many were laugh out loud worthy.

[Amy Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tears rolling down your check, laugh-out- loud- funny!!!! A classic!

[Kristie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bless Your Heart, Tramp was an impulse buy at my local used bookstore that I picked up because I laughed at the title. Unfortunately, that's where I did most of my laughing. The book is a series of short essays divided into themes such as "In the Home," "Southerners," and "Everyone Else." To be honest, not much of it felt really Southern. I couldn't really relate to the stories (I did laugh at some of them), since 1) I wasn't born here (transplant), and 2) I'm not really basic (I hope), which is who most of the stories were aimed at. The last section of the book was just a bunch of random observations on things, non of which had much of a Southern spin on it. The book was written in 1999, published in 2000, so a lot of the references were out-dated (Linda Tripp! Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire!). If you're going to write about every day life, don't use a lot of pop culture references that aren't going to be relevant in 10 years (who wants to talk about the Harlem Shuffle?). Suitable dot bathroom reading, maybe, or just a sorbet between books.

[Ciara · Rating 3 out of 5]

more funny essays by celia rivenbark. & i actually have something to say this time! this book was nuts because it read like it was published in 1996. there were references to bob dole, linda tripp, janet reno...it was so weird! & look at that cover. that is STRAIGHT out of 1996. that pale yellow accent? horrifying. that FONT? dear god.

i think this is kind of an older book, & maybe rivenbark's first? she is a newspaper columnist & i assume, based on the subject matter & length of each essay (sort, very short), that this is a collection of hew newspaper columns dating back quite a few years. so, it was all kind of predictably hit or miss. but if you're wanting to get in on the 90s revival that is happening, this is a good place to start. it will help remind you of all the ways the 90s actually sucked. also, it will only take you like an hour & a half to read it. seriously.

[Kaiulani Anderson-Andrei · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a quick and easy read, there are parts that are unbelievably funny (the Amish Friendship Bread anecdote left me in tears, as did the chapter following.) I gave it four stars-- but really it deserves 3 1/2. It's a great book if you want something quick and lighthearted to read, but it lacks real depth (which I think is the point).

I am also giving it three and a half points, because despite it's humor, it's also pretty narrow-minded, and the whole "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" isn't really appealing to me (and maybe it's my generation-- but still).

All in all a good read, I would read more of her work, but like I said, for light easy reading.

[Kristen Holland Shear · Rating 5 out of 5]

I confess that I say 'bless her heart' more often than I should - and not in a religious sense. It's more like "she's bat sh@$ crazy and just can't get it right." I haven't ever read anything by Celia Rivenbark before, but I'm glad I grabbed this from the library shelf. I just might have to purchase a copy and share with my other Southern sisters - you know who you are! It's a rollicking good time as well as a tad more revealing about my verbal word choices than I would normally admit to. For now, though, I think I'll head down to The K-Mart for some Blue Bell and Coke (remember that in the South, Coke could be just about any soda.) Check it out - you'll laugh so hard you cry.

[Liz · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn't even finish this book. It was horrible. Her man-bashing especially infuriated me. Sure, some men are pigs. Some men are incompetent. But not every man is like that, and she fails to realize it. I also got tired of the negative southern stereotypes. I live in Virginia, which van be redneck as hell, but that doesn't mean that every southerner is a redneck, nor dies every actual redneck act like that. I found her vignettes trite and not the least bit funny, which is disappointing because that's the only reason I picked up this book. I won't be reading her others.

[Marilyn Lagier · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a rather amusing book. Since it was printed in 2000, some of the references were rather outdated, but that didn't make it any less funny. Each "chapter" is written more as a newspaper column than an actual chapter. Though I am not Southern born or bred, there is enough Southern in me, courtesy of my grandmother, to be able to relate to many of the things she writes about. Nothing deep here, just good plain fun reading.

[Wendy Williams · Rating 3 out of 5]

While this book started out like all of Celia's other books I've read (laughs in every chapter), I must admit that the last 1/3 of the book just kinda fell flat for me. The stories just weren't as funny as her usual stuff and some of them just felt like filler to get the book done. It pained me to do it but I could only give this one 3 stars because it was a hard book for me to finish, unlike all of her other books I've read.

[Jenny France · Rating 4 out of 5]

Southerners know that “bless your heart” is equal to the kiss of death. I would not say it to my worst enemy. Celia Rivenbark, a humorist in Wilmington, NC, however, is not afraid to speak her mind. Reading Celia’s books are like hanging out with my favorite naughty friend (you know who you are). They make me laugh out loud.

Bless Your Heart, Tramp is Celia Rivenbark’s first book.

220 pages

[Beth Lind · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the short passages, but unfortunately, they were too short. Overall, the writing felt choppy and disjointed -- BUT there were some essays that made me laugh then causing me to have to read that part to my husband. I just wish there could have been someone who encouraged Rivenbark to expand her thoughts so that it didn't feel so much like reading one blog post after another.