The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide

by Michele Weiner-Davis

It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. Do you? If you want to stop fighting about sex and revitalize your intimate connection with your spouse, then you need this book. But The Sex-Starved Marriage is not just another book explaining the reasons you or your spouse might not be in the mood for sex. Bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis will help you understand why being complacent or bitter about ho-hum sex might cost you your marriage, and with her acclaimed psychobabble-free, straight-shooting advice, she'll show you how to bring the spark back into your bedroom and into your relationship. Because relationship expert Weiner Davis is convinced that feeling sexy is a two-person job, she looks at the problem of -- and the solution to -- low sexual desire from a couple's perspective. Whether you're someone whose passion has faded or someone who's been hungering for touch, you'll learn life-altering lessons about bridging the desire gap and restoring intimacy and friendship to your marriage. And because Weiner Davis knows that one spouse is often more motivated than the other to work on a relationship, she offers creative ways to inspire your partner to change. Separate chapters address the spouse who's hot, the one who's not, and then both together. If you're the spouse with a lagging libido, you're far from alone. And if you're a man, you'll be surprised to learn that staggering numbers of men, even men whose sexual machinery works just fine, "get headaches" too! If you're the low-desire spouse, you'll learn about the physiological and psychological factors, including unresolved relationship issues, that may contribute to the chill in your bedroom. You'll learn the truth about sexual desire: that for millions of men or women it doesn't just happen; you have to make it happen. Finally, you'll find specific, pragmatic, and often provocative solutions to help you discover the siren or seducer within. If you're the more highly sexed partner, you'll breathe a sigh of relief. At last someone understands your feelings about the void in your marriage. Discover why your pleas for touch have fallen upon deaf ears and why your approach to the lull in your sexual relationship could be a sexual turnoff. Most important, you'll find tools you can use to reach out in ways that will make your spouse more responsive. Finally, if your partner is willing, you will learn how to keep the flame of desire burning together. Full of moving firsthand accounts from couples who have struggled with the erosion of sexual desire and rebuilt their passionate connection, The Sex-Starved Marriage will give you and your spouse the inspiration, encouragement, and answers you need to find your way out of a sex-starved marriage.

Genres: Relationships, Marriage, Self Help, Nonfiction, Sexuality, Psychology, Counselling

224 pages, Hardcover

First published January 7, 2003

About the author

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW is an internationally renowned relationship expert, best-selling author, marriage therapist, and professional speaker who specializes in helping people change their lives and improve important relationships. Among the first in her field to courageously speak out about the pitfalls of unnecessary divorce, Michele has been active in spearheading the now popular movement urging couples to make their marriages work and keep their families together. She is the author of seven books including her best-selling books, DIVORCE BUSTING: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again (Simon & Schuster), and THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido (Simon & Schuster).

- excerpted from her website

Reviews

[Garrett Zecker · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am not a reader of self help books, but this book came recommended to me as a text that is helpful in the areas of communication with a lover or a spouse and can have a drastic impact in many areas of my relationships beyond what the title suggests. What I find is very funny is that there are not many reviews of this book, likely because of the title and the American puritanical views of such things (or is it airing dirty laundry? or decorum?), but to my friends, family, employers, and anyone else that cares about not-their-relationship, I will be happy to share my colorful opinions about what you have to say about what books you think I should read or what you think I should write if you ever decide to bring it up to me in person.

Regardless, this review is not for them. This review is for the people that want to know if this book helps.

First, some technical details: this book is not nearly as exciting and engaging as the title might make it out to be - it is a workbook on working on your relationship. The book is organized in a relatively interesting way as it is meant to be a passive therapy session - there are chapters for the couple to read together, and some sections for just the partner that feels like everything is fine and some sections for the one that feels like there is a problem. There is a tremendous amount of anecdotal evidence, which is not really evidence, so while the stories are nice and add a human element to the book, they really just made me nod my head and wonder where later on in the book I learn how to fix the problem the person in the anecdote is complaining about. Most of the time it is like a newscast where the meteorologist just tells you to keep watching for an unspecified amount of time to get to the answer (and I don’t think they were all answered) or an advertisement for the book I was already holding.

What this book is mainly about is communication and to stop feeling resentful and do something about it. Communicate, in the present, in the right way. Make an effort. Don’t blame. Work. Once that baseline is achieved, the book explores the various ways that this can happen and what each person’s responsibility is in working through this.

What I found was most valuable and refreshing was this: there is no doubt that this is a major killer of relationships, and that a lack of intimacy can eat away at a relationship slowly, but is as much of a betrayal and as irreparable as infidelity. Furthermore, there are many passages in the book that feel like the anecdotal subject or the author is speaking directly to you, and it is really refreshing to hear it in a productive manner rather than a cynical narrative on the internet or the pestering inner monologue. Everyone has felt like this, so let’s do something about it.

This book needs to be read as a team, though, and everyone needs to be involved with wanting the problems of the relationship to be fixed. As a self-help book, it is definitely a cheaper alternative to going to couples’ sexual therapy, but at the same rate that doesn’t mean everyone needs to be involved. The author of this book clearly understands what she is talking about, and has worked with many couples throughout her career that have repaired or left their toxic relationships. In order for this to work, you need a supportive significant other who is willing to listen to you and work through it, and find a way to implement these strategies and solutions over the long term. Put goals down, set expiration dates, and get everyone on board and committed to making the communication changes, otherwise you’ll continue wandering through the same mire of negativity and missed connections.

The book was good and I look forward to being a better communicator. I am not sure that the way it was written was particularly engaging to me (that meteorologist comment earlier was the biggest pain for me - keep reading and you’ll learn, stay tuned, we can do this in the coming chapters, etc), but the strategies it presented are doable if everyone is on board. What is most surprising is that it is mostly communication and wanting to make a change, however, just like everything else in life.

[Christian Overbey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book from the content perspective, although written in a little bit simplistic style. Probably it would have been perfect for me 10 years ago when I really could have used it. Read this book if you perceive the problem at all.

This book is addressed to both sides in the couple, with specific chapters written for each side and then several last chapters written for both partners on specifics to bridge the gap. I found myself agreeing with many statements, seeing myself right there and hearing those other statements from my (ex) spouse. This book is right on target and works for both sexes, for high and low libidos.

The intro blurb says 1/3 of couples have this problem. I suspect its more like 2/3 of couples have this issue. A perfect match between partners is very unlikely. The trick with this book, is to overcome the biggest issue at hand, which is that the more sex-interested individual will seek this book and seek a solution. The less sex-interested individual will deny often deny there is a problem and will therefore not see the point of reading the book. This issue is brought up in the book among the many practical solutions.

Excellent book (5 start except for writing style) - use it wisely.

[Sue Hopkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really helped me. I had an epiphany! I finally understood what had been happening in my marriage for years. Well written, simplistic but totally relatable. I would recommend to anyone who is experiencing sexual disharmony with their partner. I was finally able to see things from my partners point of view and able to rationally look at solutions. An Excellent read!

[Jessi Payne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book. Does an excellent job of presenting both sides of the argument. Supportive, objective and nonjudgmental. It also makes some tough realizations good for couples to hear.

[Lara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This heads-up should probably be included in the description of the book, but for the "low desire" of the couple, no need to get worried about how more than half of the book lays the responsibility of change on you. I was so angry and writing notes on the pages, highlighting angrily ("I'm in charge of his feelings??etc.). Never fear, she devotes like 2 whole chapters on what the higher desire person needs to work on to encourage the low desire one to give them what they want. She had lots of good points, but I had trouble reading it without throwing the book across the room a lot so should probably go back and read it again to actually retain what I read.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay, so there were some really great things about this book--the practical approach, the often-blunt tone (though I thought it was funny that sometimes the author spoke so bluntly it was almost crass and at other times, she descended into euphemism), the desire and attempt to speak to both sides of an issue--and other not so great things--the glaring grammatical and spelling errors, the over-simplification of some things, the tendency to assume a "well that settles that" tone with the presentation of only one or two examples. I do think this could be an extremely helpful book for people; it simply and succinctly points out some perspectives that could be overlooked by someone on "the other side." However, while I found much of it relevant to relationships in general, I didn't find it incredibly insightful or eye-opening for me personally. (Some of this could be because I tend to be quite empathic, and there are things that I may have seen or experienced and empathized with in a partner that others might view differently or not see at all. I also think my religious upbringing encouraged me to be more aware of another's persons perspective in a way that makes spelling something out this way less enlightening because I've already considered the viewpoint in depth.) I think it could be a great place for conversation starters for couples in general, though.

[Jen]

Couples underestimate just how many of their paired-up peers have mismatched sexual appetites. In these partnerships, both the higher-sexed and lowed-sexed partner hurt. Our sexual desires are partly stable and partly influenced by physical and psychological fluctuations (hormone shifts after giving birth, stress) or new realities such as a chronic illness. Davis writes this book to help couples talk about their sexuality more frankly and more productively about their sexual relationship. Each partner, whether the higher or lower-sexed party, has a duty to lovingly and vulnerably state their desires and the same duty to tune into their partner's wants, needs, and feelings. Davis stresses action plans that can help you and your sweetie both feel safe and more satisfied (in all senses) with the relationship. Sometimes, too, borrowing from Nike, Davis we says we have to "Just Do It" as desire can FOLLOW arousal and not precede it as many people (even the scientific community) have commonly thought . This easy-to-read book is full of examples of real couples illustrating frustrating mismatched scenarios and accompanying emotions as well as solutions (action-oriented behavior, active listening, etc).

* Please see my other reviews of relationship books at my website, www.thecouplessyllabus.com *

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. It really opened my eyes and led me to understand some of the issues going on in my marriage. I think what I like most about it, is that it's written in a casual way - like you're getting advice from a good friend instead of a doctor. I loathe self-help books that contain charts, footnotes, drawings, and demand you write lists. Although I think it would be most helpful for partners to read it and work on things together, I was satisfied reading it on my own. Highly recommend for both the low and high demand sex partner.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book could save millions of marriages. Michele has made it a career to fight for healthy marriages, and in this book she profiles sadly-common patterns in which partners keep getting stuck, helps both spouses better understand the other, busts myths (like that it both spouses reading the same book or going to counseling together), and gives practical advice. A sexless marriage is often a symptom of deeper relationship issues, and any effort to improve this situation will help both partners and the overall relationship.

[Ashton E. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book is a really useful simple tool that discusses both sides of libido and has empathy for both partners - because I think this is probably one of the biggest conflicts when it comes to sex. It’s useful to read even in cases not as intense as the ones on this book in understanding how you can love (physicality being a huge piece for how some people receive love) your partner better.

[Eriks Petersons · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of wisdom and a lot of things to relate to (to any person or couple). Recommended to anyone who doesn't want just to improve their sex life, but rather start understanding each other better and improve the marrige/relationship overall.

[Jay-Marie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Pretty much worthless. Blames all problems on a women's lack of libido or not being attractive or sensitive enough -- says the only problem a man may have is with the prostate, fix that and all is well. Waste of time and money.

[Michael Willcox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very straight forward in approach with helpful content. I would recommend couples to read this early as an aid to avoid pitfalls. If both people involved have a desire to work through things and just are not 100% sure where to start, this is a great book. But they both have to have a heart to hear and see the other side. If read self-centeredly, it has the potential of making things worse. To this point, the author builds off of reciprocity. Ideally, that is how relationships work. But if your only motivation to act is so that you can get, you are heading down the wrong road. So read to learn of yourself, but also read to learn of your partner. This is less about the book and more about the reader.

[Jill Sumi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't love the title, because this book is helpful for any couple with issues around sex. It is one I recommend for any couple to read.

[Keith · Rating 4 out of 5]

The lack of sexual relations in a marriage is usually related to other issues in the marriage. Thus this book deals not only with the sexual side, but other relationship issues as well.

“The first step to making yourself happier is to figure out specifically what you want to change. You need a goal. And if you think you already know what you want to change, think again. I can tell you without even knowing you that your goals are probably half-baked, and you need to work on them a bit more. I know this because most people’s goals are far too vague to be helpful.” (33%)

“First visit my web site:”
www.divorcebusting.com.

Since I read this as a Kindle book, there was no need for me to write a lot about it. I can let the highlighted parts give a summary for me.

My wife likes this book better than ones published by men.

[Caitlin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not married or sex-starved, I just recognize that in every single relationship I've ever been in there's been a disparity in libidos. I don't think I'm alone in feeling this way. This book tried to resolve some of the problems that arise with this discrepancy and there's some good advice in here. My only criticism is that while the tendency for vacillation to occur is something the author mentions (the fact that at some points you may be the low-desire partner, and at other times the high), she generally sticks to addressing the issue from the standpoint of one person is low, the other high.

[Christina Drummond · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read with lots to think about.

I think this could easily be a top 10 must read book for any marriage. If you're having problems this book has a lot of places for you to look at and things you can do to improve your relationship. It would work best if both parties in the relationship read this. I think it'll be worth it for pretty much any marriage, even if you don't think you have problems. It's already changed the way i think about things in my marriage and helped with a couple of sore spots, and my husband will be reading it this weekend too.

[Becki]

Probably one of the most practical and helpful books I've read on the subject (and I've read plenty).\nI saw both Jeff and myself and our actions and reactions in the different sections. I think I understand where he's coming from a little better. And this book challenged me to really work on this area of our marriage.\nWhile I didn't agree with everything discussed (self-stimulation), I appreciated the fact the author is clearly anti-divorce as a solution.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an excellent book for couples who are out of sync when it comes to their sex lives. Michele Weiner-Davis gives hope and practical advice to couples. My guess is that most couples could benefit from her optimism and specific solutions for those who have let the years (and probably some laziness) erode their intimacy. I highly recommend it.

[Stephanie "Jedigal" · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gave me hope.

Excellent book, discusses marriage problems stemming from disparities in sex drive, and solutions. While not being judgemental, does not let either party off the hook regarding acting for a solution.

[Joe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really helped me when I needed a reference to understand what had been happening to me for so many years. It was a blessing to have a woman explain it too. There is a phrase in this book that is so right on and awesomely true, I nearly fainted when I read it. Thanx Michele

[Alex Giurgea · Rating 5 out of 5]

O carte scrisa excelent despre depasirea blocajelor sexuale in cuplu din perspectiva terapiilor scurte. O incursiune in dinamica cuplurilor desincronizate in pat si un adevarat manual de comunicare intima.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book, but does require both partners to be involved in the reading, learning and doing.

[Stanley Hall]

I recommend this book to any individual who wants more sex, even a little more!

[Brainorgan]

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis (2003)

[Craig]

Not bad kind of hard to read at some point but I am hoping it helps

[Crystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book for couples who are unhappy in their sexual relationship! Good solid advice, great author.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good book for couples who have one person who wants sex all the time while the other partner doesn't. I enjoyed reading the different anecdotal situations.

[William · Rating 4 out of 5]

Should have read it sooner. Oh well.

[Chris Vidrine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book. Good advice. Gives different perspectives from so both spouses can understand the different points of view. Would definitely recommend.