How I Learned to Cook: And Other Writings on Complex Mother-Daughter Relationships

by Margo Perin (Editor)

A collection of writings by women on the tangled bonds they share with their(often) less-than-perfect mothers.

Every woman has something to say on the subject of her mother. In fact, many of us spend our lives trying to figure out just how we are like-or unlike-them. And yet, as intricate as the ties that bind mothers and daughters can be, most women never let go of the desire to really know their mothers. In How I Learned to Cook and Other Writings on Complex Mother-Daughter Relationships , women authors explore what is perhaps the most complicated of family relationships.

In this elegant collection of writings, daughters describe their relationships with mothers whose own lives sometimes stood in the way of their ability to fill society's ideal of what a good mother should be. With critically acclaimed authors-including Jamaica Kincaid, Paula Fox, and Alice Walker-sharing the page with emerging writers, How I Learned to Cook proves that every daughter has much to discover and understand about her mother.

Genres: Nonfiction, Essays, Collections, Memoir

322 pages, Paperback

First published March 30, 2004

Reviews

[Hannah Garden · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is hardcore. Like don't read this unless you are really working on untangling a mother knot because damn. This shit is heck of raw.

[Shannon]

No rating. This book club pick was a tough read, particularly during COVID, but brought about a compassionate and fulfilling dialogue. I deeply admire and am inspired by how brave these women authors have been in writing and sharing their stories, their burdens, their abuse and their truths. Each essay is so well written, but the subject matter is difficult.

[Donna Levin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Margo Perin has gathered powerful stories from powerful women. That they hail from a wide range of cultures, speaks to what is universal: a daughter’s relationship with the woman who, whether she gave birth to her or not, is supposed to care for her.
As a child, I inscribed my mother’s values on my heart: *all that matters is that you are attractive to men.* Also: *other women are your competition.* I’ve spent my adult years trying to free myself of those messages. Let’s just say it’s a process.
The daughters of How I Learned to Cook have an even more daunting task: unlearn messages that boil down to, You are not lovable. You are not safe (not even from me). That these women went on to write the pieces collected in this anthology is a testament to their ability not only to survive, but prosper.
Ruth Kluger’s story of surviving a concentration camp will stay with me until my brain ceases to function. Perin’s own story is of a physically abusive mother who can’t express love even when her daughter is diagnosed with cancer—yet the daughter can’t let go of trying to earn that love.
When I wanted to adopt a cat, the man at the shelter insisted that I bring him proof that I had installed screens on my third floor windows, lest the cat be in danger in my house. But nobody asked me any questions about my home life before letting me take a two-day old baby there.

[Melia · Rating 1 out of 5]

Supposedly a collection of stories revolving around complex mother-daughter relationships. I suppose that's true if complex means that the mothers were sociopaths, abusers, addicts, neglectful, suffering from mental illness, unloving, and/or warped human beings. This book was mentally and emotionally exhausting. One thing that stood out was how these women were able to write about their mothers so impassively, as though viewing their horrifying upbringings as mere "episodes" or even quirks. While my own mother isn't my best friend, nor does she want to be, we have a relationship that is utterly lacking in drama, misunderstanding, accusation, blame, loathing, resentment, etc. and for that alone I thank my lucky stars. These stories were challenging to read and after I finally put the book down I realized how disappointed I was that there was an utter lack of redemption for the mothers or daughters that were telling their stories.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though I loved this book, the other reviewers are correct in stating that they are not for the faint at heart. In this case, "complex" is a synonym for "troubled", and many of the stories depict alcoholism and abuse. That being said, I feel that the majority of the stories are insightful and beautifully written. A couple of the stories focused on specific time periods--the Holocaust, the Red Scare--and while the period took some focus off the mother-daughter relationship, they provided interesting additions to the work. One more thing: my least favorite story was the first one, so even if you don't like it right off the bat, keep reading!

[Greta Slabach · Rating 4 out of 5]

So sad that the only essays in here were about dysfunctional mother/daughter relationships...I think it would have been encouraging to have a few essays about how a mother didn't destroy her daughter, just for those of us who are thinking about becoming mothers someday...

However, I understand that this collection was meant to counteract the myth that mothers are these amazing angels that change your life dramatically for the better and that the only people who suffer are those who don't have mothers at home.
And there is so much to be learned from dysfunctional relationships, even if your relationship with your mother was perfect.

[M · Rating 2 out of 5]

every chapter was heart-breaking. some were better written than others. i read this book straight through and quickly, and was exhausted by the time i was done.

[Corinne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a brilliant angle through which to create an anthology. I picked this book up many years ago, at once thinking I could contribute to such an anthology and wishing the idea to create one had been mine. The essays in the collection well well-curated and the arc of the book was especially well done. As with any collection, some pieces resonated with me more than others. My favorites include the pieces by Margo Perin (series editor), Jamaica Kincaid (predictably), Hillary Gamerow, Elizabeth Payne, Kim Chernin, and Alice Walker.

[Deana · Rating 1 out of 5]

One star because these stories were so horrible (filled with child abuse, incest, etc.) that I could not continue reading them. This book is not for the faint hearted (and I don't have a faint heart). If you have been abused, incested by your mother than you may find like hearted individuals in these stories but it was way too depressing for myself.

[Jenny Mark · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disturbing content related to child sexual abuse - was not expecting that and found it hard to move on from.

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found these short stories to be very disturbing…in the best way.

[Bonnie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read my friend’s story, a contributor which was good but skipped the rest bc of the trigger warnings expressed in reviews. I don’t read books about abused children or animals.

[Jule · Rating 3 out of 5]

if you love short stories as i do and especially if you are a daughter, you will love this book -- for one because it will remind you of your own life, experience and mother; so it will comfort you. and two, it will show you how imperfectly perfect and thus wonderful your own mother is and hence reading this book will make you be grateful for your own mother; it will make you feel relieved and blessed for having just her, just the way she is. : )

[Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

p.99 - Ruth Kluger
No one is as dependent as mothers are
on the dependency of their children.

p.304 - Kim Chernin
"Enough," he said, speaking to both of us. "Who can come to understanding through a tone like that?"

p.317 - Alice Walker
I've also discovered the world is full of mothers who've done their best and still hurt their daughters: that we have daughters everywhere.


Shocked by the damaged people of the early sections, I didn't clearly see those who came later.

[M · Rating 2 out of 5]

This collection of stories was not very compelling; it failed to move me to any emotion. I didn't feel like any author's story resonated with my own experience (like "Oh, someone else went through that with their mother too"). The collection is not large enough to organize around themes, like, body image, control issues, sexuality, career. A thematic organization would have made the book more interesting.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's a great anthology with fantastic writers, but when the subtitle said it was about "complex" mother-daughter relationships, I expected heartwarming stories about growing up or something. This was mostly about abuse in all its forms, and the stories were extremely disturbing. "Complex?" Try "warped."

[Cheryl · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a peek around the curtains and into the lives of others. And in the reflections of their stories we may better understand the complexities of our relationships with the figures whose ether authority ruled our childhoods and shaped our experiences with the world. Cathartic.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked some of the stories, but at least half of them left me with the thought of "what was the point of that?".

[Kristiana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book, although some of the stories are hard to read because they are heavy with neglect and abuse. Great writing though.

[Amy Nash Parker · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought it would be more "cheery" and lighthearted than this. Perhaps my fault for not fully reading the insert. Dark, sad, and definitely not a cooking related collection of short stories!

[Lynette · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very dark. Cover photo is misleading.