What do you think?
Rate this book
Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness by Gail Tredwell (22-Oct-2013) Paperback
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 of 1 review
September 3, 2025
THE PERSONAL ATTENDANT OF AMMA, ‘THE HUGGING SAINT,’ DESCRIBES HER EXPERIENCES
Author Gail Tredwell (aka ‘Gayatri’) wrote in the first chapter of this 2013 book, “How strange it feels to no longer be wearing a sari. Twenty years later… I have just turned forty-one…” She answers the phone: “It’s me, Tara… My mum just called … [and said] you had run away… She said the ashram has gone crazy, and Amma is visibly devastated.” Tredwell reflects, “I have known Tara for many years … She was no stranger to scandal. Secondly, even though her parents were ardent devotees of Amma, she wasn’t… I [had] shared with Tara a few of the secrets I carried. As I uttered the words, abusive, manipulative, secretive… I was frozen in terror of having shared such information for the first time… [Tara told her] ‘Gayatri, you have to leave. You have to get away.’… Here I am, though, just two months later, successfully out of the ashram.” (Pg. 2-4)
Maya (“a friend who helped me escape”) later tells her, “I hear it’s a terrible scene back at the ashram… The swamis are a mess, and Amma is apparently crying hysterically outside her room.’ “I have witnessed her wrath and heart and what she has to say about people who leave the ashram. I have seen her … turn her anger into tears of sorrow whenever a newcomer enters her room.” (Pg. 6)
She then recounts, “My feet had first touched Indian soil in Calcutta on March 21, 1978… I felt very much at home. I was captivated by the simple lifestyle, richness of color, density of delightful aromas… and the down-to-earth joy of the people, despite their poverty.” (Pg. 16) She adds, “I was in pursuit of happiness and some meaning to life. But I had no clue what any of my yearnings meant.” (Pg. 21) She wrote her parents a letter “describing my unexpected love for India and stating that I might stay for a while. (I did not foresee twenty two years.)” (Pg. 43)
A year later, a man shows her a photo of Amma, and explains, “Three nights a week people flock to her for healing and blessings when she embodies Krishna and an aspect of the Goddess.” (Pg. 53) Before long, “It was my heart’s desire to serve a female guru like Amma, and I was starting to believe it just might come true.” (Pg. 58) When it was suggested she choose an Indian name for herself because it “might help Amma relate to me,” she chose ‘Gayatri.’” (Pg. 61) She finally meets Amma, but “It never crosses my mind to exercise a little prudence, discernment, or the healthy application of doubt. She HAD to be the real deal. What else was I going to do---go back to Australia?” (Pg. 68)
Of Amma receiving people in the temple, she recounts, “my heart was soaring through heavenly realms. I felt unbelievably happy. I stood quietly in the corner with tears of joy gliding down my face.” (Pg. 73) The inner disciple Nealu tells her, “Anna would like you to stay. In exchange for your services to her, I have agreed to support you financially.” “I was even more ecstatic with the news that Amma was accepting me into her service.” (Pg. 77) “My dream of living in Amma’s presence and being her personal attendant had come true. However, along with that glory came a lot more work than I had ever imagined…” (Pg. 81) “All I wanted in life was to know God. I believed through devotion and surrender as Amma’s personal attendant, I could achieve such a goal.” (Pg. 92) “It wasn’t long before Amma and the ashram became the center of my universe and all I ever thought about or cared for. She called us her children … and she was our mother.” (Pg. 96)
Amma’s singing devotional songs “was how Amma’s popularity began. But in Amma’s village not everyone accepted the claims of her alleged divinity. .. Many villagers felt that her family was exploiting innocent people in an attempt to make a quick rupee.” (Pg. 100) Still, “She needed someone innocent, naïve, and trustworthy. That was me… Over the course of my twenty years at the ashram, but primarily in the earlier days, I was blessed with many unforgettable spiritual experiences.” (Pg. 108) She made periodic vows, to decrease my attachment to food and sleep so that I could meditate longer. Other times it was to remove any trait of my personality that I felt inhibited by total surrender to Amma.” (Pg. 110)
But before long, “Although she encouraged us to look upon her as our mother, she began enforcing the guru aspect. She began insisting that we prostate before her and show reverence at all times, especially in public.” (Pg. 147) “I wasn’t always grateful for Amma’s strict regulations. Sometimes I felt she was cruel and unfair.” (Pg. 151) “My faith was steadfast. So was my commitment to doing whatever it took to be her attendant. Little did I know this commitment would eventually include carrying and helping Amma conceal, many of her dark little secrets… I was told she was ‘pure,’ meaning free of her monthly menstruation. this purity was proof of her divinity… I always knew it [her menstruating] was a secret. Not once did it ever cross my mind that it was a lie.” (Pg. 153-154)
She explains, “Over the years I observed that Amma responded to each of us in accord with our disposition toward her. Nealu wanted a guru, so she treated him like a disciple. The rest of us wanted a mother, so for the most part she enabled and took delight in the role.” (Pg. 158) “I simply believed that Amma possessed divine wisdom, and that through serving her, I too would be granted the vision of God. Hence my willingness to accept whatever treatment she threw my way, no matter how harsh or cruel it seemed.” (Pg. 166)
She continues, “Her moods were unpredictable, dark, angry, aggressive, and at times violent. It didn’t take much, if anything at all, to set her off, and even the slightest mistake had grave consequences. In the earlier years it had been a slap here, a kick there, and Amma would later joke about it… However, as the number of devotees increased, so did her aggression, and her rages were no longer a laughing matter.’ (Pg. 194-195) On one occasion “Grabbing a fist full of my hair, she flung me to the ground and spun me around … as she kicked me a few times.” (Pg. 196)
She notes, “She wanted absolute surrender, obedience, and reverence at all times. I wanted her to be kind and treat me better. Alas, that was never going to happen. So until I could let go and accept my fate, the battle ensued.” (Pg. 200) “I succeeded in rationalizing most of her behavior for a few more years.” (Pg. 202) “Thankfully, Amma didn’t always behave like a tyrant. Many times over the years she expressed what seemed to be profound love for and trust in me.” (Pg. 208) “Numerous devotees considered me lucky and privileged to be Amma’s attendant. They didn’t realize that such closeness had its disadvantages.” (Pg. 209)
She points out, “Despite the fact that Amma, the head of the ashram, was a woman, the ashram was very patriarchal. Male hierarchy was firmly set in place by Amma herself… I often found myself up against resistance from members of the opposite sex.” (Pg. 230) Gayatri was even raped by Balu, one of the disciples. (Pg. 243-246)
Eventually, “By early 1999, the final year of my stay in the ashram, I was so depleted that my nervous system began collapsing. I had been working and serving around the clock for almost twenty years without one healthy break. The days of … inspiration, contemplation, and rejuvenating spiritual experiences were long gone.” (Pg. 267) She wonders, “Why does spirituality have to be so hard? Can this life I’ve been living even be called spirituality?” (Pg. 277)
She notes, “I was fully aware of the nasty things Amma said about those who left the ashram… No matter how many years you had served, no matter what position you held, once you severed your alliance, you were a traitor, an enemy, a despicable person. Amma always explained that … the person who left had been overcome with materialistic and sexual desires, or else the person was mentally unstable.” (Pg. 285)
Of course, she did finally make her escape, and she writes, “In the years since I left the ashram, I have gone on to make a happy life… This memoir was written as an essential part of my healing process… In the end, I did not find God, but I did find myself. And I thank God for that.” (Pg. 324-326)
This book will strongly appeal to those who like ‘candid’ critical perspectives on such professed ‘gurus,’ etc.
Author Gail Tredwell (aka ‘Gayatri’) wrote in the first chapter of this 2013 book, “How strange it feels to no longer be wearing a sari. Twenty years later… I have just turned forty-one…” She answers the phone: “It’s me, Tara… My mum just called … [and said] you had run away… She said the ashram has gone crazy, and Amma is visibly devastated.” Tredwell reflects, “I have known Tara for many years … She was no stranger to scandal. Secondly, even though her parents were ardent devotees of Amma, she wasn’t… I [had] shared with Tara a few of the secrets I carried. As I uttered the words, abusive, manipulative, secretive… I was frozen in terror of having shared such information for the first time… [Tara told her] ‘Gayatri, you have to leave. You have to get away.’… Here I am, though, just two months later, successfully out of the ashram.” (Pg. 2-4)
Maya (“a friend who helped me escape”) later tells her, “I hear it’s a terrible scene back at the ashram… The swamis are a mess, and Amma is apparently crying hysterically outside her room.’ “I have witnessed her wrath and heart and what she has to say about people who leave the ashram. I have seen her … turn her anger into tears of sorrow whenever a newcomer enters her room.” (Pg. 6)
She then recounts, “My feet had first touched Indian soil in Calcutta on March 21, 1978… I felt very much at home. I was captivated by the simple lifestyle, richness of color, density of delightful aromas… and the down-to-earth joy of the people, despite their poverty.” (Pg. 16) She adds, “I was in pursuit of happiness and some meaning to life. But I had no clue what any of my yearnings meant.” (Pg. 21) She wrote her parents a letter “describing my unexpected love for India and stating that I might stay for a while. (I did not foresee twenty two years.)” (Pg. 43)
A year later, a man shows her a photo of Amma, and explains, “Three nights a week people flock to her for healing and blessings when she embodies Krishna and an aspect of the Goddess.” (Pg. 53) Before long, “It was my heart’s desire to serve a female guru like Amma, and I was starting to believe it just might come true.” (Pg. 58) When it was suggested she choose an Indian name for herself because it “might help Amma relate to me,” she chose ‘Gayatri.’” (Pg. 61) She finally meets Amma, but “It never crosses my mind to exercise a little prudence, discernment, or the healthy application of doubt. She HAD to be the real deal. What else was I going to do---go back to Australia?” (Pg. 68)
Of Amma receiving people in the temple, she recounts, “my heart was soaring through heavenly realms. I felt unbelievably happy. I stood quietly in the corner with tears of joy gliding down my face.” (Pg. 73) The inner disciple Nealu tells her, “Anna would like you to stay. In exchange for your services to her, I have agreed to support you financially.” “I was even more ecstatic with the news that Amma was accepting me into her service.” (Pg. 77) “My dream of living in Amma’s presence and being her personal attendant had come true. However, along with that glory came a lot more work than I had ever imagined…” (Pg. 81) “All I wanted in life was to know God. I believed through devotion and surrender as Amma’s personal attendant, I could achieve such a goal.” (Pg. 92) “It wasn’t long before Amma and the ashram became the center of my universe and all I ever thought about or cared for. She called us her children … and she was our mother.” (Pg. 96)
Amma’s singing devotional songs “was how Amma’s popularity began. But in Amma’s village not everyone accepted the claims of her alleged divinity. .. Many villagers felt that her family was exploiting innocent people in an attempt to make a quick rupee.” (Pg. 100) Still, “She needed someone innocent, naïve, and trustworthy. That was me… Over the course of my twenty years at the ashram, but primarily in the earlier days, I was blessed with many unforgettable spiritual experiences.” (Pg. 108) She made periodic vows, to decrease my attachment to food and sleep so that I could meditate longer. Other times it was to remove any trait of my personality that I felt inhibited by total surrender to Amma.” (Pg. 110)
But before long, “Although she encouraged us to look upon her as our mother, she began enforcing the guru aspect. She began insisting that we prostate before her and show reverence at all times, especially in public.” (Pg. 147) “I wasn’t always grateful for Amma’s strict regulations. Sometimes I felt she was cruel and unfair.” (Pg. 151) “My faith was steadfast. So was my commitment to doing whatever it took to be her attendant. Little did I know this commitment would eventually include carrying and helping Amma conceal, many of her dark little secrets… I was told she was ‘pure,’ meaning free of her monthly menstruation. this purity was proof of her divinity… I always knew it [her menstruating] was a secret. Not once did it ever cross my mind that it was a lie.” (Pg. 153-154)
She explains, “Over the years I observed that Amma responded to each of us in accord with our disposition toward her. Nealu wanted a guru, so she treated him like a disciple. The rest of us wanted a mother, so for the most part she enabled and took delight in the role.” (Pg. 158) “I simply believed that Amma possessed divine wisdom, and that through serving her, I too would be granted the vision of God. Hence my willingness to accept whatever treatment she threw my way, no matter how harsh or cruel it seemed.” (Pg. 166)
She continues, “Her moods were unpredictable, dark, angry, aggressive, and at times violent. It didn’t take much, if anything at all, to set her off, and even the slightest mistake had grave consequences. In the earlier years it had been a slap here, a kick there, and Amma would later joke about it… However, as the number of devotees increased, so did her aggression, and her rages were no longer a laughing matter.’ (Pg. 194-195) On one occasion “Grabbing a fist full of my hair, she flung me to the ground and spun me around … as she kicked me a few times.” (Pg. 196)
She notes, “She wanted absolute surrender, obedience, and reverence at all times. I wanted her to be kind and treat me better. Alas, that was never going to happen. So until I could let go and accept my fate, the battle ensued.” (Pg. 200) “I succeeded in rationalizing most of her behavior for a few more years.” (Pg. 202) “Thankfully, Amma didn’t always behave like a tyrant. Many times over the years she expressed what seemed to be profound love for and trust in me.” (Pg. 208) “Numerous devotees considered me lucky and privileged to be Amma’s attendant. They didn’t realize that such closeness had its disadvantages.” (Pg. 209)
She points out, “Despite the fact that Amma, the head of the ashram, was a woman, the ashram was very patriarchal. Male hierarchy was firmly set in place by Amma herself… I often found myself up against resistance from members of the opposite sex.” (Pg. 230) Gayatri was even raped by Balu, one of the disciples. (Pg. 243-246)
Eventually, “By early 1999, the final year of my stay in the ashram, I was so depleted that my nervous system began collapsing. I had been working and serving around the clock for almost twenty years without one healthy break. The days of … inspiration, contemplation, and rejuvenating spiritual experiences were long gone.” (Pg. 267) She wonders, “Why does spirituality have to be so hard? Can this life I’ve been living even be called spirituality?” (Pg. 277)
She notes, “I was fully aware of the nasty things Amma said about those who left the ashram… No matter how many years you had served, no matter what position you held, once you severed your alliance, you were a traitor, an enemy, a despicable person. Amma always explained that … the person who left had been overcome with materialistic and sexual desires, or else the person was mentally unstable.” (Pg. 285)
Of course, she did finally make her escape, and she writes, “In the years since I left the ashram, I have gone on to make a happy life… This memoir was written as an essential part of my healing process… In the end, I did not find God, but I did find myself. And I thank God for that.” (Pg. 324-326)
This book will strongly appeal to those who like ‘candid’ critical perspectives on such professed ‘gurus,’ etc.
Displaying 1 of 1 review