I met Fr. Ciszek when I was a novice. As he told us about the tortures he endured during five years of solitary confinement in Lubyanka, he sat bolt upright on the front six inches of his chair--just as he had been forced to do during endless interrogations. I don't know whether it was an unconscious force of habit, the best way to treat back pain, or a deliberate sacrifice on behalf of his captors and his audience, but it was very impressive.
Describing the moment he was taken prisoner:
"It is impossible to describe the feeling that comes over you at such a time. The feeling that somehow, in an instant of time, everything is changed and nothing will ever again be quite the same. That tomorrow will never again be like yesterday. That the very trees, the grass, the air, the daylight are no longer the same, for the world has changed. It is a feeling impossible to describe, and yet one that every wife who has lost a husband knows well, one that every child who has tasted evil for the first time or faced a sudden crisis has experienced. It is that feeling that leaves the heart saying, 'Oh, if only I could turn back the clock to before it happened, if only it had never happened, if only I had it to do over again.'
"This whole Russian venture seemed now to have been a mistake, an ill-conceived missionary effort based on hopes and dreams rather than hard facts, a plan born of insufficient information and misinformation.
"That was the temptation that Father Nestrov and I faced at Teplaya-Gora. And though our situation may have been somewhat unique, the temptation itself was not. It is the same temptation faced by everyone who has followed a call and found that the realities of life were nothing like the expectations he had in the first flush of his vision and his enthusiasm. It is the temptation that comes to anyone, for example, who has entered religious life with a burning desire to serve God and him alone, only to find that the day-to-day life in religion is humdrum and pedestrian, equally as filled with moments of human misunderstanding, daily routines, and distractions as the secular life he left behind in the world. It is the same temptation faced by young couples in marriage, when the honeymoon is over, and they must face a seemingly endless future of living together and scratching out an existence in the same old place and the same old way. It is the temptation to say: 'This life is not what I thought it would be. This is not what I bargained for. It is not at all what I wanted, either. If I had known it would be like this, I would never have made this choice, I would never have made this promise. You must forgive me, God, but I want to go back. You cannot hold me to a promise made in ignorance; you cannot expect me to keep a covenant based on faith without any previous knowledge of the true facts of life. It is not fair. I never thought it would be like this. I simply cannot stand it, and I will not stay. I will not serve.'
"It is a temptation that comes to every man and woman, sometimes daily."
The last words of the book:
"Nothing can touch us that does not come from his hand, nothing can trouble us because all things come from his hand. ... That is the only secret I have come to know. It is not mine alone; Christ himself spoke of it, the saints have practiced it, others have written about it far better than I. I can only hope that what I have written will strike a responsive chord in some, will prove a help to others, however few. And I pray that you may be one of them."
What a man!