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352 pages, Paperback
First published April 27, 2018


“You better have fallen down a goddamn rabbit hole into Narnia, or I’m not going to forgive you,” I say.
Darian looks at me in confusion. “You’re…mixing a few things I think.”
“I know I am. That’s how fantastical your explanation needs to be for me to believe it.”
“Sounds good. I offer five dollars, you offer the rest?” I suggest as I look up at him.
He looks surprised. “Five? That’s a whole lot more than I thought you’d offer.”
“Oh, it was the five dollars I took from your wallet, so that’s why.”
“Of course it was.”
“I’ve been slowly replacing the money in your wallet with Monopoly money and pretty much everyone just feels bad for you, so they let you get away with it.”
“I always used my pet’s name from when I was a kid. Crotchinator.”
“Excuse me?”
“He loved sniffing everyone’s crotch,” I explain.
“How many times were you dropped as a child?”
“It’d probably be easier to count how many times I hadn’t been dropped,” I inform him as I type in the password.
“You’re welcome, love. Remember, threaten him a little. Corner him in the bathroom and tell him you’ll break every one of his fingers if he fucks with me.”
“My luck, I’ll corner some little old man that has devoted his life to crocheting sweaters for homeless gerbils,” he says.
I laugh. “Feel him over first…if he has wrinkles, wrong guy.”
“Good plan. ‘Excuse me sir, allow me to stroke your face as I try to decipher if you’re the guy I’m supposed to beat up.’”
“See? You got it!” I say. “That class you’re taking must really be helping you. I’m still convinced you guys have a blind fight club going on, and you’re just pretending you’re learning braille.”
“That is so disgusting. What is wrong with you?”
“A lot, Lane. But don’t forget that out of the billions of people in the world…you picked me,” I say.
“I had no choice! It was that or nothing, and now I’m wishing I chose nothing!”
“But I like him. I think I will make him my father as well,” I say.
“It’s going to be a little gross though when we become brothers,” he says.
I look at Lane in pity. “Oh Lane…I’m not joining you, I’m replacing you. I don’t like sharing.”
He snorts as he buckles his seatbelt. “Of course you are.”

"...he scoops up his last bite and hesitates before directing it my way.
It is at this very moment that I realize we are soul mates, destined to be together forever.
“But I like him. I think I will make him my father as well,” I say.
“It’s going to be a little gross though when we become brothers,” he says.
I look at Lane in pity. “Oh Lane…I’m not joining you, I’m replacing you. I don’t like sharing.”