The Sex Lives of African Women

by Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah

Finalist for the 2023 AUDIE AWARDS for Non-Fiction

A DOROTHY KOOMSON BOOK OF THE YEAR

AN ECONOMIST BOOK OF THE YEAR

Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah spent decades talking openly and intimately to African women around the world about sex. In this book, she brings together their extraordinary stories, whilst also chronicling her own journey towards sexual freedom.

From finding queer community in Egypt to living a polyamorous life in Senegal to understanding the intersectionality of religion and pleasure in Cameroon, their necessary narratives are individual and illuminating. This stunning collection provides crucial insight into our quest for sexual power and offers all women inspirational examples to live a truly liberated life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Africa, African Literature

304 pages, Paperback

Published July 7, 2022

About the author

Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah is a Ghanaian feminist writer and blogger. She co-founded award-winning blog Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women and has written for The Guardian and Open Democracy. Sekyiamah is the Director for Communications manager at the Association for Women's Rights in Development and a member of the Black Feminism Forum Working Group which organised the historic first Black Feminist Forum in Bahia, Brazil.

Reviews

[Victoria Mwethia · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was well written but the title after reading the book is inclined to be towards 'The sex lives of Black women' rather than 'of African women'. Most stories are of black women who aren't Africans(have their lineage in other continents).

[Botaanica · Rating 2 out of 5]

I honestly expected a lot more from this book. From the title, I thought it was going to focus on African women, especially those living on the continent. But most of the stories are about African women living abroad, which is a completely different perspective. Only a few of the stories are actually about women living in Africa, and that felt like a missed chance to really dive into those experiences.

Another thing that threw me off was the inclusion of stories about black descendants in Latin America. Their stories are very interesting, but they didn’t feel like they fit the theme of African women. It kind of made the book feel all over the place. Honestly, a better title might have been something like Black Women’s Sex Lives, because that’s what it really focuses on.

That said, I did love how it’s written. Each story really captures the personality of the main character, and it feels like you get to know them, even though they’re based on interviews with the author.

[Nana Adwoa Nhyira Bonsu · Rating 5 out of 5]

THE SEX LIVES OF AFRICAN WOMEN. NANA DARKOA SEKYIAMAH.2021.
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah is a Ghanaian feminist writer and blogger. She co-founded award-winning blog Adventures from the Bedroom of African Women and has written for the Guardian and Open Democracy Creating Spaces and Amplifying Voices. The First Ten Years of the African Women’s Development Fund, Women Leading Africa: Conversations with Inspirational African Women and other works.
The Sex Lives of African Women is her current literary piece which was published in 2021 July, 22. The book was a ‘Best Book of the Year' by The Economist in 2021.The book is a non-fiction; based on real life experiences of women both in Africa and the Diaspora emphasizing on their sexual antics in the bedroom, their sexual orientations and their relationships. The book can be read by people whose age ranges from 20-70.
Touching on Self- discovery, Freedom and Healing of these African women; personal stories such as navigating freedom and polyamory in conservative Senegal, or resisting erasure of lesbian identity and finding a queer community in Egypt in the midst of revolution, these African women struggle with the trauma of sexual abuse, and resist religious and patriarchal order to assert their sexual power and agency. These African women do this by questioning and resisting societal norms whilst creating new norms and narratives that allow them to be truly who they are.
“It is imperative to breakout of the boxes circumscribed by society in order to discover one’s self and the multitudes we hold within us. This requires practicing an audacious form of bravery and often requires one to go against the grain of everything that has been presented as the norm”-Page1, Paragraph 1.
In the society, being one’s self is very hard to materialize, it’s more of a pipe-dream. We have our parents on our necks to follow a certain principle that was laid down for them during their childhoods and they find it important that we follow these steps. Not contradicting what the Bible said in Deuteronomy 5:16 “ Honor thy father and mother..”, but sometimes not all they say is right and can cause young ones to make mistakes that they will regret their entire life to come. The statement made in paragraph 1 on page 1 emphasizes on the need of stepping beyond societal constraints to explore our true selves and the different aspects within. If this is done by young people, depression, self-loathe, peer pressure, suicides will be minimized in society. The pressure to be the perfect child for mummy, daddy and society has caused suicide and depression amongst the youth in these current times.
This statement made in the book is a wakeup call to youths to break out of the bondage of social rules that does not allow them to be their true one-self which will help them to becoming fulfilled and happy adults in life.
“He started saying to me how he felt jealous when I was with other men and asked me to choose between him and my job. My job has always been there for me. My job has never mistreated me”- Philester. (Page 88).
Philester*, an African woman who is in her early thirties and a bisexual Kenyan, sex worker a mother of three and the coordinator of Kenya Sex Workers Alliance (KESWA) shares what one of her lovers said and how she responded. Furthering that her “job” will not do the things he did to her, hence, she chose her job over the man.
This act done by Philester* shows that women can make such synonymous decisions when they find themselves in situations that hinder them from growing, or causes them to get hurt or cause to be prone to danger. Solace can be found in whatever they deem that makes them happy, as far as it makes them safe and happy at the end of the day. Philester* found hers in her job.
“We achieve freedom when we let go of the weight of societal expectations and when we find our people- those who love us, care for us, and hold us up when we start slipping”- Paragraph 2, Page 122.
In finding freedom, Laura shares how her heritage helped her gain confidence in sex regardless of the society she found herself in. Being confident is relevant in all you do, success is gained out of that confidence. Narrowing it down to our society today, divorce rates are very
high and one paramount cause of divorce is inadequate sexual satisfaction. Mostly, the blame is accosted to the women. Most women are not confident when performing their conjugal duties because of the laid down principles laid down by society when it comes to who should be the dominant and the subject.
Nature makes us understand that women are subjects, they are to follow the lead of the man and that principle has resonated in the sex lives of most women. Their spouses lead in love-making and they just obey to every single whim and not been able to act on their fantasies as a woman because they do not want to breach status quo. Marriage then becomes boring as a result of familiarity of actions done during love making, then cheating begins. The man goes to find spice externally.
In this book women are encouraged to be confident when having sex with their spouses and this can be done through communicating one’s wants and desires when making-love. That way can at least sustain the marriage and divorce won’t be strife.
“We all need healing of some sort, and when it comes to sex there is a whole lot of healing that Black and African women need”- Paragraph 1
Globally one in three women experience sexual abuse mostly by intimate partners. African and Black women have not been left out of this treacherous act. As a result of these abuses, most of the victims kill themselves with the thought that no one will want a “damaged good”, others too end up being pregnant and worst case scenarios contract sexually transmitted diseases.
Healing is what is needed by these women especially in their sexual life. Women have the rights to also enjoy consensual sexual activities and not be forced to in order to satisfy the male’s appetite.
Mariam, a 26 year old heterosexual Ethiopian woman recollects how she was sexually abused as a five year old child. “……….I was molested as a child ….. My first job working in a women’s center in the US. A lot of women who came there were refugees, or students from other countries. They shared stories of molestation and rape. ….. I don’t want to be a victim to my past. Maybe talking to more people will take it out of my head and it will become normal”
Mostly women who have gone through molestation or rape find it difficult to talk about or speak out their pain because they are afraid of not being seen “normal”. Mariam made a step of talking to people who shared the same fate as hers that was her form of healing.
Society must create safe spaces for women who go through these abuses, provisions of the required guidance and counseling should be available and ready to listen. Parents whose children have been abused should also listen to their children and seek help for them without calling them liars.
The Sex lives of African Women is an insightful book touching on self-discovery, Freedom and healing interlaced with real stories or experiences. The knowledge encapsulated in this book is not just to navigate one’s sexual orientation or sexual life in society, the knowledge can also be used in other aspects of one’s life. The book is ten out of ten. It’s a must read.
WRITTEN BY:
NANA ADWOA NHYIRA BONSU.

[lucy 🦋 · Rating 4 out of 5]

'The Sex Lives of African Women' is a heartfelt, individualistic collection of stories where each essay is heartbreaking and unique enough on it's own, but is utterly poignant when viewed as a collective. Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah has collated a beautiful range of stories from diverse voices, that all feature the ever relevant themes of gender, race, sex & sexuality and shine a light on these themes carefully and eloquently.

[Kianga Elemar · Rating 1 out of 5]

Some books fit for the trash can, others for fire. This one deserves to be burned, save your time and don't read that.

*0⭐

[Leyla · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. I am liberating myself the same way some women in this book are liberating their sex lives. In 2026 I won’t longer force myself to finish a book I absolutely don’t like.

Let me start with the simple fact that the author completely missed the point of her own book. This is not about African women, this is 80% about the diaspora and 20% about women actually living in African countries. So it depends how you perceive African women. To me it means something different.

Therefore I was let down in my expectations. I expected this to be more of a ‘light’ ethnographic/journalistic work with some slightly anthropological takes. Some parts could have been anthropologically interesting, I admit. However, even those insights lacked context sometimes.

Because it’s literally portrayed on the cover the reader expects that the common thing these women share is their blackness. It’s about, how the author calls it, ‘African’ women after all. Every story starts with an introduction about the character, where they are from, where they grew up, how they identify etc. Beautiful, but if it wasn’t there then 40% of the stories would not be obvious to be about a black woman. It could be about any woman. So the ‘hook’ of this book, about ‘African’ women, is not even there all the time.
ALSO, if we are on that subject, are all African people black? Ever been to the northern African countries? The arabic/muslim part? Ever heard of the Amazigh people who lived there before the Arabs invaded their territory? Those people aren’t black but live on the same continent. Do your research Nana Darkoa Serkyiamah.

In the end my questions were: What is their relationship between their cultural background and their sex lives? That is what I want to learn about! Some stories really elaborated on that, but that’s not why I bought the book. I want all the stories to be like that.

I also want to add we should move on from the ‘African’ label. We don’t speak about Japanese, Indonesian as the ‘Asian’ people, or the French and the Bulgarian about the ‘European’ people. The Egyptian and the Sudanese people have just as many differences as the other examples, why do we unify and label them as ‘African’? It’s a shortsighted, integrated western thinking pattern everyone should be aware of. It’s ironic to me that the author herself as a black woman from the continent Africa, makes the same mistake.

This book is divided in three parts: self discovery, freedom and healing. The first two included a bunch of stories about women with a queer identity. The latter about heterosexual women. There was no balance at all. We live in an heteronormative world so I understand that the queer community easily represent self discovery and freedom, because it’s perceived to most people as out of the ordinary and therefore it generates tension in this world. Which ‘automatically’ leads to persuing more liberation and opportunities to self discover. The queer community are speaking up, fighting for their rights which is amazing! I am not saying their stories were not legit or bad. On the contrary.
What I am saying is that it’s so incredibly stupid to downplay heterosexual women their experiences by not including their stories as much about self discovery and freedom. You know how complicated sex lives for all of us are? Queer or not!
The same I have to say about the healing part, most of the stories were about heterosexual women who were healing from abusive relationships/situations. There are so many queer relationships out there with the same stories that have to be heard. No balance at all, and therefore a wrong representation and therefore it upholds our daily lives stigmas.

Lastly I want to say, I have learned in my studies so far there are many people out there who perform ‘queer activities’ but don’t identify as queer. Because it’s simply part of their cultural heritage and it doesn’t need to be labelled as queer. Because the women in this book were largely part of the diaspora living in the western world, it doesn’t represent other ideologies when it comes to ‘queer activities’. It’s called ‘global queerness’. This book is a part of that, but I admit..that might be advanced knowledge. :) That I am happy to share with you and the AUTHOR.

I just know that the author really tried to embrace all kinds of people and she wrote this with a lot of love. (Oh btw, very poorly written as well, don’t get me started)
But overall I have to say, it’s a stupid book. No analytical pov, no editorial sense, no intellectual substantiation and… I want my money back.

[Nina ( picturetalk321 ) · Rating 3 out of 5]

32 African and African-descendant women (the latter phrase new to me) share their stories of their sexual journeys. They are aged from in their 20s to in their 70s. They are straight and queer. They have children or none. They have or had husbands, wives or none. Their lives have revolved around Zimbabwe, Ghana, Cameroon, Kenya, Côte d'Ivoire, France, US, Ethiopia, Egypt, Senegal, UK, Costa Rica, Sudan, Brazil, Italy, Rwanda, Canada, Somalia, Saudi Arabia, Malawi, Zambia, Grenada, Nigeria, South Africa, Haiti, Jamaica and Germany. Some are religious. Some do or have done sex work. Many have been raped. Many have been cheated on, have cheated, have been emotionally abused. One describes in graphic detail how she was sexually cut when a child and how she has not been able to trust women since as it had been aunties who had held her down and her mother who had forced her there.

There are three parts: self-discovery, freedom, healing. I found the stories of the over sixties to be most soothing as these people had already had the chance to settle, find themselves, do what they like. The younger ones were often very agitated and fraught. The men do not come off well; so many reports of pricks, dicks and bastards. Of womeb subordinating themselves to please a man whom they regarded as "the one" but who turned out to be anything but. Also stories of unconventional choices, polycules, patchwork families, chosen celibacy and sexual abandon and joy.

How much of these experiences are distinctive of African women? Some are very culturally specific. Many negotiate racism. Some experiences seem sadly widespread if not universa (the dickery and prickery).

I liked reading a few of them at a time as they all merged together after a while. Some were depressing.

An interesting anthology.

[xummie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have intensely mixed feelings about this book. It was comforting to see so many women having been in similar circumstances as myself being an Arab woman. On the other hand, I got into reading it thinking I would see African women's experience in the context of pure African culture, but what I got instead is cheating, cheating, and more cheating.
This is my first non-fiction read, so bear with me.

Don't get me wrong, the book itself is groundbreaking and revolutionary, being published in 2019 (I think) and speaking of something so very taboo in African culture. Even now it is groundbreaking because sex is still rarely openly talked about in such contexts. So kudos to Sekyiamah for being able to write and publish all these accounts and stories, and to the women themselves for being brave enough to share these events in the first place.

The focus on these experiences should've been on the confusion, trauma, freedom and healing, but I couldn't help let my attention zone in on how everyone commits adultery; I understand that this is how many people cope with trauma, heal, or choose as their lifestyle, but I cannot fathom that being the case for 90% of them. It's very normalized and labeled as "polyamorous" or "polygamous", but with everyone other than the poly person feeling very unhappy with the situation, that or they're unaware of the situation in the first place.
It genuinely made me uncomfortable, but maybe that's the point?

Would I recommend this book? Most probably.
Would I read it again? Most probably not.

[Pie Mully · Rating 3 out of 5]

In African households, the only sex talk you receive is watching a scene of Bo and Hope in Days of Our Lives consummating their marriage. The reality is, the topic of sex rarely comes up, especially in a society where African women aren't even seen as sexual beings. With that, I was excited to pick up this book from Sekyimah and peel back the curtain a bit, and delve into all aspects of sexuality when it comes to African women. From the roles that religion and culture play in how we view sex, as well as the turmoil of sexual abuse that plenty of women on the continent face, Sekyimah left no stone unturned. She interviewed women of all orientations and sexual identities.

That said, as sex is such a taboo topic in Africa, many of the people interviewed were part of the diaspora and thus the book failed to provide a more authentic African viewpoint. I picked up the book because I was curious about the different ways that the 54 countries in Africa viewed sex, and how women in each of these countries are exploring their sexuality amongst societal norms. Unfortunately, that was not the book I read. In fact, the book would have been better off being called The Sex Lives of Black Women. Also, the book felt quite repetitive after a while.

Nonetheless, I think it's important for more African women to explore their identities, and that includes their sexual identities outside the constraints that are put on them, and Sekyimah's book encourages just that.

[Shaaiba AbdulRasheed · Rating 1 out of 5]

Here’s the thing, this book although explored the sexual lives of “African Women” it’s not authentic. It should be called the sexual lives of African women in the diaspora. It’s easy to explore sexuality when you’re out of the prying and judgemental eyes of a purely African community. What I would have loved to see in the book and what my expectations were, was that the book was going to explore the sex life of say a market woman at Makola, the third wife of a chief in the Ashanti region, a Muslim woman who lives in the north, those are women whose sex lives I’m curious about. Not someone who’s married to a white man and is going to an orgy, that’s not shocking in the least. You realize that even in the book, when she told the stories of the women who were remotely close to African Countries, the stories were watered down and uninteresting in juxtaposition to their diasporian counterparts. I’m not mad she wrote the book, those stories need to be told but I’m mad it’s been marketed as something it’s not.

[nyakhakhu_ · Rating 4 out of 5]

A compelling collection of short stories divided into three sections: self discovery, freedom and healing. It offers diverse narratives showcasing women choosing themselves and their happiness.

One aspect that stood out for me was women taking control of their own narratives and prioritizing their wellbeing and joy. There’s a sense of empowerment and self love. I enjoyed the self discovery section more because it has stories that capture the initial steps of sexual exploration and understanding one’s sexuality.

One significant drawback is the misleading title. I wanted to read more about women in Africa exploring their sexuality and challenging societal norms within their communities. It focuses more on African women living in the diaspora. Nevertheless, the stories provided are still rich, thought provoking and enjoyable.

[Kúnmi · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an uncomfortable but important book. No doubt any African descended women will find some aspect of their lives reflected in one or some of these women's stories: the narrative fed to women about sex, chastity, sin, and virtue are so repetitive they almost seem universal.
A sad part of the book is the high proportion of contributors who have been abused or raped, too often as children, which highlights how toxic and dangerous societies' lack of conversation around sex is for human beings.
Ultimately, I think the narrative that's trying to be represented here is that we're all "normal" in our sexual desire. But the message I received is that the cycle of sexual hurt is endemic, almost inevitable. And we're all just muddling through and hurting others along the way to healing our own hurt.

[Prevor Gn · Rating 5 out of 5]

it's been long since I could give a book 5 stars but I can't think of a book that has deserved this rating such as this. I just finished it and so many feelings and emotions to go through. There was laughter, deep grief for what was lost, anger for the abuse many have felt from trusted people to strangers, to how they found healing, to how human everyone is not everyone is "perfect" and a lot of tge stories are left before they find healing. if all felt so human and real. i keep going back to how human this felt. This is one for books. I felt so seen and learned so much. This is a book I recommend everyone to read. Thank you author and wonderful people who gave us the gift of their stories.

[Yolanda H · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was so enlightening and I will think of these incredible African women who so candidly shared their diverse and fascinating sex lives. I learnt so much about what sex means to people from across Africa and the African diaspora and had no idea there were so many ways to find healing liberation and unconditional self love through a topic that is so taboo in many of our cultures. This will stay with me for a long time. What a gem!

[Ms. Margins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my days😲 I believe you cannot read this amazing piece of literature with an ounce of judgement in your bones. This book has led me down a path of self discovery and it is time that I explore more than just what I know.
Honestly, this life is our own and we make a constant decision to show up for ourselves or not.

Also, rape, sexual assault and harassment are the real pandemic and we need to do better as a society 🥺.

I will do better 🙂‍↕️

[Goodwell Mateyo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Whereas one anticipates tales of sexual liberation, most of the stories show subjects that venture outside the bounds of traditional sexual practices as a subliminal reaction to childhood sexual traumas. Sadly, the subjects emerge, more often, as victims rather than heroines. Still, it is an important body of work that asks some very pertinent, albeit uncomfortable, questions.

[Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book did give me an insight into a woefully unexplored topic of Black women’s sexuality. The title is misleading as it is not just African women but Black women throughout the world. I did think some of the stories could have been a bit clearer, but I did learn about African culture and people with multiple wives, so it was a good read.

[Winnie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Despite its provocative title, the book falls short of offering a truly authentic or balanced view of African women’s sexual realities. It heavily features voices from the diaspora: educated, liberal, often Western-based, which limits its scope. While the stories are bold and important, they don’t fully reflect the diversity or depth of experiences on the African continent.

[Becca Stuttard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super interesting, varied and poignant stories.

[Peris · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found it too repetitive. But it was very informative on different sex lives of African women. It gives perspective on liberated women

[Bente Heijmink · Rating 5 out of 5]

So much to think about after spending some time with these incredibly honest and inspiring women

[Milton · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a very good read, but I think the title should be "The sex lives of BLACK women..I did not see the authentic African Women story come out!!

[Yvonne Kiundi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Weeuh
What a read‼️

[Pesh Amina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, it's an okay read.

However, while some lives (stories) were really good, I felt others were not well developed and could have been better.

[Imani · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book, it was eye-opening and helped me discover some things about myself and give myself grace in discovery of my own sexuality

goood boook

[Adu · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meh it was okay, wish they focused more on women born and raised in Africa, rather than the diaspora