Good Baggage: How Your Difficult Childhood Prepared You for Healthy Relationships

by Ike Miller, Jefferson Bethke (Foreword)

Baggage has gotten a bad rap. We think it's all bad. We think it makes us less likely to have good, healthy relationships today. But baggage isn't just the bad stuff that happened to us in the past. It's the lessons we've taken from the pain we carry. It's how what we've been through has actually made us stronger and more capable than we imagine. And it's how we're going to make our current relationships work.

Far from minimizing past pain, pastor Ike Miller shows you how to go through the baggage you carry from a difficult childhood and pull out the good stuff. The intentionality you've developed. The empathy you've gained. The trust you value so highly. Miller shares from his own past in a dysfunctional family impacted by alcoholism and divorce, and his present as part of a healthy and loving family, to illustrate how to stop letting your past sabotage your present.

You'll find no platitudes or pat answers here. Rather, you'll discover untapped riches of experience and knowledge you already have that can make your relationships thrive and change the course of your life and legacy.

Genres: Self Help, Christian, Nonfiction, Philosophy, Psychology

224 pages, Paperback

Published September 26, 2023

Reviews

[Moonpiegirl · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Good Baggage, Ike Miller approaches the subject of emotional baggage with a fresh perspective. Instead of viewing the pain of emotional hurts as negative, Miller presents the idea that your baggage can be redeemed by helping you navigate current and future relationships. Good Baggage doesn’t minimize the pain that occurs from broken relationships, but helps the reader to see the experienced gained from those relationships as opportunities as you move forward. Make no mistake, Good Baggage doesn’t wave a wand and fix all of your past hurts, but it does provide you with tools and perspective to do the good work of healing. Even if you didn’t experience a childhood with substance abuse or trauma, we all have experienced relational pain. Ike Miller provides a very positive view to move forward in healing.

[Wagner Floriani · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ike’s vulnerable and thoughtful engagement with what’s heavy in life makes him a kind and gracious conversation partner to whoever is eager to learn and grow in honoring the Lord within their sphere of influence. The book summarizes and applies common concepts and literature that will be familiar to those experienced in various counseling therapies. However, Ike uniquely frames this information within his experience, adding his own skin and bones to otherwise theoretical frameworks. Even where someone may raise suspicion or skepticism to the therapeutic language of the assessments and solutions presented, one cannot argue with the hope filled nature of Ike’s near biographical sketch of growth and ever present desire to steward his story to serve others. Personally, I started reading this for myself, but finished reading it for my kids.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pastor Ike Miller challenges his readers to think of the benefits their emotional baggage can bring to their adult lives, rather than just focusing on the harmful elements. He shares his personal story throughout this book, showing how he has been able to grow and change, recognizing dysfunctional patterns and exchanging them for better coping skills. This book feels like a conversation with a caring friend, and it will be especially helpful for people who feel overwhelmed by dense, academic books about trauma. Miller shares a lot of great counseling information in simple, accessible terms, illustrating his points with heartfelt personal stories. He also shares spiritual reflections and encouragement from the Bible.

Miller writes about some difficult episodes from his upbringing, and he reflects on ways that false beliefs from his childhood have affected his relationships, especially when it comes to leadership, marriage, and parenting. His honesty will help people process their own issues at a deeper level, especially since he provides so much understanding and grace. Some books about trauma make too many excuses for people, attributing all of their bad choices to the painful conditions of their lives, while other books emphasize everything people should do better, causing them to feel discouraged and ashamed when they feel stuck. Miller avoids both of these extremes, validating the reasons why you're still struggling while also inviting you towards peace, wholeness, and better relationship skills.

Good Baggage covers a lot of important issues, such as understanding codependency, creating healthy boundaries, and relinquishing a false sense of responsibility for other people's problems or reactions to you. Miller also covers topics that get less attention, such as the instinct to lie out of self-protection. He shares practical advice for how to make changes, and he encourages people to recognize the positive elements of their baggage, like the passion it gives them to have healthier relationships than they witnessed growing up. Also, even though this book focuses on dysfunctional home backgrounds, many of the general principles will also apply to other forms of childhood adversity.

Good Baggage is a great book for Christians who are looking for an accessible, practical, and encouraging book about dealing with emotional baggage from childhood. Ike Miller is a vulnerable and encouraging guide throughout this book, helping people feel less alone and pointing them towards paths of healing. I wish that Miller had more fully integrated the psychology elements and biblical reflections, since I often felt like he was switching back and forth between them, but I am impressed with this book as a whole and would definitely recommend it to the intended audience and their support systems.

I received a free copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[P.M. Raymond · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good Baggage explores the tricky liminal space between addressing childhood trauma (in the author’s case a child of an alcoholic) and taking those experiences and using them to shape healthier relationships all with a good dose of spiritual guidance. Author Ike Miller takes a conversational approach that doesn’t blame or shame but asks the reader to basically check themselves. Miller gives the reader a soft place to land when thinking through past hurt and ways to process it and move forward.

I found that this is a great book not only for those who want to start seeking a better understanding of their behavior but also a good resource for anyone dealing with a person who struggles with breaking away from prescriptive, negative behavior – a window into their thought process if you will.

Chapters 4 and 5 on codependency and approval-seeking triggers are incredibly enlightening. Chapter 11 – Loyalty, Giving Your Allegiance to the Right People – does a deep dive on being loyal to people who do not have your care in mind and why one might do such a thing. He uses the biblical story of Samson and Delilah to illustrate this and y’all I was undone by it! Incredibly powerful.
Miller cites multiple published resources. He references a ton of works related to alcohol use disorder, mental health, and boundary-setting experts. There is a bibliography at the end with all the referenced works by chapter, y’all!! Miller combines this with scriptures references making this a solid road map to starting the journey of awareness without the walk of shame through the town square.

Make no mistake, this book is rooted in spiritual guidance, Miller is a pastor in Durham, NC after all, but he also gets that sometimes we need therapy and that’s okay and sometimes we need to hear from experts in these messy behaviors so the mix of spirituality and secular makes this an impactful read.

[SHELLEY SINGH · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good baggage is a deeply insightful book from the first page. Ike manages to navigate a fragile topic, one that many of us have struggled to process which is the effect of our childhoods on our relational patterns. This intricate topic is painstaingly complex yet Ike has managed to shed the layers one by one to bring clarity, practical wisdom and ultimately, actionable advice on how to transform past dysfunction and pain into valuable relational lessons. Many people with tangled upbringings have an inner longing to form healthy relationship patterns yet do not have the tools to do so. Good baggage is a book of tools laced with grace filled wisdom from someone who has walked the journey of brokenness to the pursuit of wholeness and connectness. I particularly enjoyed delving deeper into the areas of concepts of self-differentiation, cultivating deeper empathy and finally, overcoming the obstacles to creating sustainably healthy relationships. As I processed my own relational tendencies through the thought provoking questions, I believe other readers who choose to embark on a journey of learning healthy dynamics will grow in intimacy with others through the gift of delightful curiousity. Redemptive relationships can exist through thoughtful exploration of the past through the lens of hope that Good baggage skillfully uses to show readers that a bright future is inherently possible towards more loving connections with others.
Disclaimer: I received a complimentary copy for early review and my views are my own.

[Marquel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ike Miller has presented those of us with a heavy load trailing us from our past with the truest and most transformational way of looking at it: through the gospel. It’s not a naivety towards harmful or toxic behaviors, nor excusing it, but unlike much of the other current literature and conversation of our time, this was much less about “them” and more about reframing our internal experience with our history, while pressing forward into using it for good in our relationships.

It’s one thing to have tips, boundaries, and psychology, but it’s another to change your entire framework around a hard topic - this book does just that. Instead of working against our past or relieving ourselves of it entirely, we can look at it differently and thus, make it feel less heavy and more helpful.

While there are a lot of narratives around our past especially when it comes to family of origin, it is redeeming to hear a pastor talk about it from personal experience, which I know is no easy path to walk. Transformation comes through vulnerability.

[Ryan George · Rating 4 out of 5]

I pre-ordered the audio version of Ike Miller’s book and practically absorbed it intravenously in the days after it downloaded. I paused playback (and my hiking) to type new lines of notes for discussion with my counselor. I especially appreciate Miller’s filter of redemption when looking back at traumatic realities from our youth. But that redemption isn’t an attempt to put a bow on abuse, neglect, manipulation, and loss. Instead, Miller encourages readers to turn their unique empathy into a force for good. His aren’t the words of a spiritual Pollyanna. In fact, he leverages Scripture only as a garnish, an illustration—a way of showing how someone in the Bible dealt with a similar reality. I felt seen in these pages, even though the primary audience is children of addicts.

[Neal Lord · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Good Baggage, Ike Miller does not waste any time jumping in. Rarely do I highlight the introduction but this book was the exception. Ike leads us through a journey of questioning and sabotage then finally redemption. I love the way Ike handles this subject. He relays many stories from his own experience and how he was able to work through the results of a difficult childhood. He walks us through the tools he used with added insight along the way. Don’t rule out this book if you did not have a difficult childhood. There are insights here that will help you understand yourself better and understand better who God wants you to be.

[Cassandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a complimentary copy.

Power in breaking generational trauma and curses. Being able to stand strong and heal your mindset with faith, love and therapy.

You have to do the hard work and no one can hand you healing, but this book sheds great information as well as a deep look into a unsafe childhood and negative mindset that was brought into the light and explored. The author showed courage and compassion with a commitment to be the change for the better.

This is a faith based approach to help and elevate life for the reader.

[Dorothy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so glad this book was written - it is like a breath of fresh air and hope to me. It acknowledges the pain of my past and ALSO acknowledges the hard work I have done to get this far. Then it helps me see what some next steps are to continue to grow and walk towards freedom and health. I definitely recommend this book to everyone. Reading it feels like talking to a friend who understands you so well because they have been through so much pain themselves, and they want to walk along side you to help you embrace all the goodness God has for you.

[Tina Ivester · Rating 5 out of 5]

Relatable

Coming from a dysfunctional home as a minor, this book was relatable to my life.
I didn't have an alcoholic father, but I did have an abusive one. Ike seemed to know every aspect of my feelings and emotions that I'm currently struggling with. His take on using our dysfunctional childhood as a conduit to a healthier, happier life is a new way to begin to look at myself. To realize I can use my brokenness for good is refreshing and healing. Thank you Ike for sharing your life and brokenness.

[Becca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened on audio but would have preferred a hard copy to go through this more slowly. This is heavier on the psychological/therapy side of things than “Christian living,” but there are lots of good nuggets here. Very refreshing to hear the message that those with difficult childhoods are not only not damaged goods but are actually uniquely equipped for healthy relationships—what a snapshot of God’s good redemptive work 🙌

[MsV]

The one line that hit my soul was "The things you went through, yes, they harmed you. But that doesn't have to be the end of your story". It's amazing how this aided the path I am currently on to acknowledge and forgive my past traumas. Reading this, I cried, I broke apart, I felt the heaviness of remembering those past experiences and then I started to take those broken pieces and put them back together in an entirely new way & feel that heaviness leave me, for good this time.

[Kris Stoner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have not finished this book but I am already gaining so many insights. Ike is transparent and relatable. He offers help but more importantly HOPE for people who have dealt with childhood trauma. This would be so helpful for those whose family member or close friend has these struggles in order gain better understanding and insight.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I so appreciate Ike’s focus on both recognizing the weight of painful and/or traumatic experiences while also providing good theological basis for how God heals and redeems. Would highly suggest for anyone looking to heal from relational wounds. Could also see it being a good guide along with professional therapy sessions. Looking forward to finishing it!

[Will Lamb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ike’s words and wisdom are such a gift to everyone who reads this book. He is vulnerable in sharing the struggles of his own childhood. Ike provides insight into how to dig deeper into how one’s childhood may affect their relationships today and helps readers develop tools to redeem the difficulties. I am so grateful for this book and how it has impacted me personally.

[Cheri Swalwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a book i needed to read, and I'm so glad I did' We all have baggage and we all want to deal with it in a healthy way. This was a great book, one that I will continue to have conversations with the Holy Spirit about and how He wants me to move forward after reading this. Author was new to me but I enjoyed his style and will definitely read more from him.

[Alex Haggerty · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book I always needed. I struggled trying to separate codependency from my values which led me to struggle with boundaries. Good baggage made me feel less alone in this and gave the validation I needed to continue my healing. I highly recommend it!

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this book, Miller takes a typically stigmatized topic (the effects seen in adulthood of developing in a dysfunctional home) and provides calm, encouraging language to make this a healthier, shame-free conversation. I hope this helps people to accept themselves and seek deeper counseling.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will change your mind about everything related to your difficult childhood. So insightful and affirming. Hopeful and practical, meaty and wise. A must-read for every adult who experienced the divorce of their parents or grew up in an abusive or alcoholic home.

[Melody T · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

I enjoyed reading from a males perspective when it came to certain things. However a lot of these things I’ve heard before with my own studying and research with my growth. I did learn new things and that will keep me thinking.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most edifying book I’ve read—well, listened to—in a while. Highly recommend! Especially the audiobook. Ordering a hard copy so I can reread and annotate.

[Patricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good read for mental, emotional and physical baggage carriers....I should have e read this year's ago...May read again!!

[Catherine Kline · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a needed book! Anyone who is, or knows, the adult child of a dysfunctional family, or who is navigating boundaries of wants healthy relationships can benefit from this read. As the adult child of an alcoholic, this book spoke directly to me in so many ways.

[Sherin Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

On my emotional intelligence journey! This is a faith-based book, but links arms with the science in explaining human emotions and responses. I’m so glad this book has been part of my journey in understanding and working through difficult moments in my childhood and beyond. To have the language to call things what they are has been revolutionary for me. I have a lot to process still, but I deeply resonated with and felt affirmed by so much of what Ike Miller breaks down in this book. I’m grateful to have these resources available to me!