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Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre
Tim Lieder's anthology is an entertaining trip into the Outer Limits of the Twilight Zone. It is a place where a War Against Clowns is violently waged, a magician is taught magic by a scottish crab, a pretty lycanthrope unleashes her wild side in a London club, and a not so imaginary friend helps a shy young man get the girl. Sadly there are no cannibal teddy bears to be found in any of the stories. Maybe in the next anthology.
--- Chadwick Saxelid
--- Chadwick Saxelid
- GenresFantasy
144 pages, Paperback
First published May 30, 2005
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54 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
April 29, 2008
Like reading the submissions of a special ed English classes' Halloween story assignment.
May 6, 2009
Title made it sound more awesome than it actually was - in fact, only one story really stood out. Get any one of the Flight volumes instead.
January 9, 2012
Crap like this makes me think I could actually start a relatively successful writing career. Thanks for the inspiration, worst-book-of-2012-thus-far!
November 18, 2013
This was a book with no editorial vision, many typos, and pretty much stuck in the young twenties viewpoint (mostly white male athiest libertarians, by the sound of it, but I am stretching a little to say so.)
Each of the stories possessed an interesting central concept but mostly seemed unfinished, or like first drafts. Any one of these stories could have benefited from some editorial guidance, as could have the entire book. There was no introduction, no interstitial material, no contribution of the editor's own fiction. Nothing except a dark title and some matching cover art promising something different.
The reason I harp so on the lack of any introductory or interstitial material is because I enjoy eighth grade plays. "What the hell are you on about?" you would be fair to ask me, and I would explain that if you had chosen to put in an introduction about your vision here- what you were trying to achieve, how you selected a stories or worked with artists, or maybe just explained your focus was on first time writers- if that was the case (where did you find them, what was your relationship with them?) you would have given the reader an in- something to care about... A way to show us you care for these stories so maybe we could care for them too. As it is, you leave them on their own, and for the most part, they are not strong enough for that.
Since each of the stories had promise, and since each of the authors is likely to read reviews, I would like to say something nice to each of them. Something true and nice. I will say the so-called bad thing up front. Each of you understands writing well enough to keep at it, and you showed enough skill in your stories for me to assume you know where you fell short of yourself.
Paul Haines wrote Doof Doof Doof- a kind of fairy tale modern mashup slash unrequited love story. The sense of fun and the sense of fatalism were good. I'd like to see something less friendzoney, but it worked in the story and may have been a conscious choice rather than your own personal worldview- so for now it's a matter of taste.
Roberta Rogow wrote Peppercorn Rent- this was a very fun monster story with a fun hook as well as live characters and relationships- you know, a real story.
Tim Jonson wrote Rats, Wrong Alley. Good short sharp Lovecraft theme/Ellison punch/modern sensibilities/subject. If you like that stuff, you'll love this one.
Trina Shealy Orton wrote Brilliant Suspension- This was a good concept, kind of a pupa/chrysalis/metamorphosis story starring a guy who doesn't know he is so much more than that. I only wish it was written either more weirdly or more specifically and simply. Either one, or keeping it the same level of treading both worlds of literary style, but tying it more closely into the character with his foot in both the human and the alien world. I like what I am left with of this story now that I think back to it.
Jenifer Jourdanne wrote Blue Elephants- a stream of consciousness wander through disturbed humorous vignettes from a young woman who is starting to feel her age. I don't like stream of consciousness stuff and am not really qualified to say much- but it was good at what it was. I would gladly read something else by this author in a different style.
Cameron Hill wrote Hermetic Crab- This was a very fun and whimsical (in the good meanings of the word) magical origin story/magic duel. Very strong. Very memorable. The story suffered a little in the few lines where the mage in training learned his new craft. Before and after this part the language was very clear and specific, this part's rushed feeling therefore stuck out kind of noticeably.This is the only story in the collection I might read again just for the fun of it!
Robert Steussi wrote Head Drippers- this is a nasty little story. I love it! Correct me if I am wrong, but I think you achieved everything with this story that you intended to!
Brian Rosenberger wrote Something Funny is Going On- Diary of a crazy person building up to an act (presumably) of mass violence. This was pretty good, but the humor leading up to the end was so whimsical that for the ending to be chilling the way it seemed to be intended, the author would have had to make it a little harsher.
Michael Stone wrote Clob- Your imaginary friend is real, and he is more crass and blunt than ever you could be. You would like to ask a woman for a date. And go! This was a quick and lively story, fun to read and true to its concept. Again, a little too rooted in young 20's male woman is something to be attained kind of mood for me, but a good story nontheless.
William M. Bock wrote Berries Under Snow- another unrequited love/friendzone/get the girl story, but very good at being that. Shades of Phantom of the Opera and They Shoot Horses. Good one.
Each of the stories possessed an interesting central concept but mostly seemed unfinished, or like first drafts. Any one of these stories could have benefited from some editorial guidance, as could have the entire book. There was no introduction, no interstitial material, no contribution of the editor's own fiction. Nothing except a dark title and some matching cover art promising something different.
The reason I harp so on the lack of any introductory or interstitial material is because I enjoy eighth grade plays. "What the hell are you on about?" you would be fair to ask me, and I would explain that if you had chosen to put in an introduction about your vision here- what you were trying to achieve, how you selected a stories or worked with artists, or maybe just explained your focus was on first time writers- if that was the case (where did you find them, what was your relationship with them?) you would have given the reader an in- something to care about... A way to show us you care for these stories so maybe we could care for them too. As it is, you leave them on their own, and for the most part, they are not strong enough for that.
Since each of the stories had promise, and since each of the authors is likely to read reviews, I would like to say something nice to each of them. Something true and nice. I will say the so-called bad thing up front. Each of you understands writing well enough to keep at it, and you showed enough skill in your stories for me to assume you know where you fell short of yourself.
Paul Haines wrote Doof Doof Doof- a kind of fairy tale modern mashup slash unrequited love story. The sense of fun and the sense of fatalism were good. I'd like to see something less friendzoney, but it worked in the story and may have been a conscious choice rather than your own personal worldview- so for now it's a matter of taste.
Roberta Rogow wrote Peppercorn Rent- this was a very fun monster story with a fun hook as well as live characters and relationships- you know, a real story.
Tim Jonson wrote Rats, Wrong Alley. Good short sharp Lovecraft theme/Ellison punch/modern sensibilities/subject. If you like that stuff, you'll love this one.
Trina Shealy Orton wrote Brilliant Suspension- This was a good concept, kind of a pupa/chrysalis/metamorphosis story starring a guy who doesn't know he is so much more than that. I only wish it was written either more weirdly or more specifically and simply. Either one, or keeping it the same level of treading both worlds of literary style, but tying it more closely into the character with his foot in both the human and the alien world. I like what I am left with of this story now that I think back to it.
Jenifer Jourdanne wrote Blue Elephants- a stream of consciousness wander through disturbed humorous vignettes from a young woman who is starting to feel her age. I don't like stream of consciousness stuff and am not really qualified to say much- but it was good at what it was. I would gladly read something else by this author in a different style.
Cameron Hill wrote Hermetic Crab- This was a very fun and whimsical (in the good meanings of the word) magical origin story/magic duel. Very strong. Very memorable. The story suffered a little in the few lines where the mage in training learned his new craft. Before and after this part the language was very clear and specific, this part's rushed feeling therefore stuck out kind of noticeably.This is the only story in the collection I might read again just for the fun of it!
Robert Steussi wrote Head Drippers- this is a nasty little story. I love it! Correct me if I am wrong, but I think you achieved everything with this story that you intended to!
Brian Rosenberger wrote Something Funny is Going On- Diary of a crazy person building up to an act (presumably) of mass violence. This was pretty good, but the humor leading up to the end was so whimsical that for the ending to be chilling the way it seemed to be intended, the author would have had to make it a little harsher.
Michael Stone wrote Clob- Your imaginary friend is real, and he is more crass and blunt than ever you could be. You would like to ask a woman for a date. And go! This was a quick and lively story, fun to read and true to its concept. Again, a little too rooted in young 20's male woman is something to be attained kind of mood for me, but a good story nontheless.
William M. Bock wrote Berries Under Snow- another unrequited love/friendzone/get the girl story, but very good at being that. Shades of Phantom of the Opera and They Shoot Horses. Good one.
September 6, 2016
I reviewed this on Amazon:
I am disappoint.
Yes, I just used an over-used internet (lol cat) meme to (in my opinion) adequately describe my feelings about this book in the spirit of this book.
Four 5-star and two 4-star reviews? Seriously? Who is reading this book? I thought I was getting a crazy-dark fiction book, something a step beyond the horror genre. I get a depressed, Jewish, Big Bad Wolf, 20-somethings who can't grow up, a werewolf vs. The Peppercorn Rent (with the last name of Lupine - really?), and... I can't even go on - I started skimming. I didn't finish. I read a lot (according to my goodreads profile, 266 books in the last three years), and I really try not to judge a book by it's cover. I really should have my an exception in this case. I've read that short stories are the most difficult of writing styles, as authors have to fit into thirty pages what some put into one-thousand. The reader needs to at least be able to form some kind of assumption, draw some conclusion - they need to be able to figure out what's happening - based on what they're reading: these stories just don't do that. Okay, the Peppercorn story does... but even so - it just wasn't good. I guess it boils down to I didn't care - what happened, was was going to happen... there was nothing I liked about any of it and it wasn't exciting or original.
The formatting was REALLY bad, as well. I don't know if this is an Amazon problem, a publisher problem, or a Kindle (which I guess *would* be Amazon) problem, but it was insanely distracting and I would have asked for my money back if I hadn't borrowed it from the Kindle Owner's Lending Library.
I am disappoint.
Yes, I just used an over-used internet (lol cat) meme to (in my opinion) adequately describe my feelings about this book in the spirit of this book.
Four 5-star and two 4-star reviews? Seriously? Who is reading this book? I thought I was getting a crazy-dark fiction book, something a step beyond the horror genre. I get a depressed, Jewish, Big Bad Wolf, 20-somethings who can't grow up, a werewolf vs. The Peppercorn Rent (with the last name of Lupine - really?), and... I can't even go on - I started skimming. I didn't finish. I read a lot (according to my goodreads profile, 266 books in the last three years), and I really try not to judge a book by it's cover. I really should have my an exception in this case. I've read that short stories are the most difficult of writing styles, as authors have to fit into thirty pages what some put into one-thousand. The reader needs to at least be able to form some kind of assumption, draw some conclusion - they need to be able to figure out what's happening - based on what they're reading: these stories just don't do that. Okay, the Peppercorn story does... but even so - it just wasn't good. I guess it boils down to I didn't care - what happened, was was going to happen... there was nothing I liked about any of it and it wasn't exciting or original.
The formatting was REALLY bad, as well. I don't know if this is an Amazon problem, a publisher problem, or a Kindle (which I guess *would* be Amazon) problem, but it was insanely distracting and I would have asked for my money back if I hadn't borrowed it from the Kindle Owner's Lending Library.
June 10, 2012
With a title like this I was expecting horror stories of some sort, what I got was far from it. Most of them read like blog posts from people with Attention Deficit Disorder. One tale was about a woman eating at The Rainforest Cafe and then watching her friend give makeovers to a group of preteen girls. I spent 15 minutes reading a story that I just summed up for you in 1 sentence. It was a complete waste of my time reading this book.
June 2, 2011
The only reason this is being shelved under ick-attack is that the story about the werewolf at the club was good. Every all one was horrible.
June 19, 2017
A strange collection of different degrees of fiction. Very enjoyable and unforgettable. Lol.
September 30, 2012
Review of Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre
Review by Mallory Heart Reviews
Reviewed for FreeBookDude.com for Sept. 29 2012
I am always gratified when my immediate opinion of a title, cover art, or blurb, is validated upon reading the book. I’d like to say this is true of “Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre,” but unfortunately I found this 11-story Anthology to be of what I considered uneven quality and interest. There are three outstanding stories included, and I rate each at 5 Stars:
“Doof Doof Doof”
“Peppercorn Rent”
“Rats. Wrong Alley”
“Doof Doof Doof,” despite the odd title (which is actually phonetic, of a sort), is a hilarious, laugh-out-loud parody of certain well-known fairy tales, given the addition of some violence and noticeable sensuality (rated 18+, in other words).
“Rats. Wrong Alley” is graphic, gory, violent; but nonetheless, it’s a great story, with intricate plotting and some really weird, unpleasant, and wonderful plot convolutions. Again, 18+ and so not for the faint of heart.
Now for my favourite, “Peppercorn Rent,” what’s not to love about this story? Paranormal, sexism, classism, familial ties, British vs. Colonials-come on! Well-written, appealing, wryly humourous-and I loved it!
For the rest of the anthology I rate 3 Stars, but the above three stories make the collection worth the purchase. They’re re-readers.
Review by Mallory Heart Reviews
Reviewed for FreeBookDude.com for Sept. 29 2012
I am always gratified when my immediate opinion of a title, cover art, or blurb, is validated upon reading the book. I’d like to say this is true of “Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre,” but unfortunately I found this 11-story Anthology to be of what I considered uneven quality and interest. There are three outstanding stories included, and I rate each at 5 Stars:
“Doof Doof Doof”
“Peppercorn Rent”
“Rats. Wrong Alley”
“Doof Doof Doof,” despite the odd title (which is actually phonetic, of a sort), is a hilarious, laugh-out-loud parody of certain well-known fairy tales, given the addition of some violence and noticeable sensuality (rated 18+, in other words).
“Rats. Wrong Alley” is graphic, gory, violent; but nonetheless, it’s a great story, with intricate plotting and some really weird, unpleasant, and wonderful plot convolutions. Again, 18+ and so not for the faint of heart.
Now for my favourite, “Peppercorn Rent,” what’s not to love about this story? Paranormal, sexism, classism, familial ties, British vs. Colonials-come on! Well-written, appealing, wryly humourous-and I loved it!
For the rest of the anthology I rate 3 Stars, but the above three stories make the collection worth the purchase. They’re re-readers.
March 17, 2014
If done correctly a short story anthology can introduce you to a new writer or a group of writers. I can also introduce you an indie publisher that demands to be noticed. I have had this happen in on numerous occasions and with the Kindle it's happened quite often.
That brings me to Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre which tries really really hard to be good, it does but the majority of the stories here fall flat and are quite boring. Sadly, I had high hopes for this and have heard about these guys and figured I'd give them a chance. What I got was a mixture of horror and stories that were quite bizzare but nothing here really grabbed me and made me want to continue reading.
I usually disagree with most reviews but I agree with these. Cannibal is a hot mess that misfires horribly. Avoid this at all costs.
That brings me to Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre which tries really really hard to be good, it does but the majority of the stories here fall flat and are quite boring. Sadly, I had high hopes for this and have heard about these guys and figured I'd give them a chance. What I got was a mixture of horror and stories that were quite bizzare but nothing here really grabbed me and made me want to continue reading.
I usually disagree with most reviews but I agree with these. Cannibal is a hot mess that misfires horribly. Avoid this at all costs.
January 16, 2014
Scary, creepy, humorous, etc.
There are no teddy bears, cannibals or massacres in this book, but there are some things on the same level of strange.
Some are definitely aimed at adults (as in not appropriate for children). A rather long story right in the middle seems more like a humorous memoir and totally doesn't fit with the general horror theme. Then again, I'm not sure this actually has a theme.
The majority of the stories are either creepy or scary. A few are really well done.
Overall, I enjoyed this read, though I probably shouldn't have read them just before going to bed. Recommended for folks who like short story collections, horror, and a little humor.
There are no teddy bears, cannibals or massacres in this book, but there are some things on the same level of strange.
Some are definitely aimed at adults (as in not appropriate for children). A rather long story right in the middle seems more like a humorous memoir and totally doesn't fit with the general horror theme. Then again, I'm not sure this actually has a theme.
The majority of the stories are either creepy or scary. A few are really well done.
Overall, I enjoyed this read, though I probably shouldn't have read them just before going to bed. Recommended for folks who like short story collections, horror, and a little humor.
June 14, 2017
Just terrible. The stores have no poiny and some were incredibly boring for a horror story.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews