How to Look for Love: A Refreshing New Take on Men, Women, and Romance

by Mari Ruti

This book was previously published in hardcover as The Case for Falling in Love.

Men and women are not as different as we've always been told. We're not from Venus or Mars; we were all born on planet Earth. Flying in the face of traditional relationship advice, How to Look for Love offers up a refreshing take in a world full of tired rules and fake games. This is an inspirational manifesto that brilliantly skewers the status quo while using everything from Freud to Gossip Girl to help us rethink our notions of how love works.

"Funny and thought-provoking...an extremely refreshing take." Publishers Weekly, starred review

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Philosophy, Psychoanalysis, Relationships, Psychology

270 pages, Paperback

First published January 12, 2011

About the author

Mari Ruti is Distinguished Professor of critical theory and of gender and sexuality studies at the University of Toronto in Toronto, Canada. She is an interdisciplinary scholar within the theoretical humanities working at the intersection of contemporary theory, continental philosophy, psychoanalytic theory, cultural studies, trauma theory, posthumanist ethics, and gender and sexuality studies.

Reviews

[Reema · Rating 3 out of 5]

insightful, legible, and funny breakdown of the psychoanalytic reasons for desire, relationship drama, and relationship longevity. i'll admit i'm biased--since i had mari ruti as a women's studies professor, and she was as engaging and illuminating in class--but the book really is very accessible and effective at arguing a lacan-informed reading of love and all its battles. a recommended quick (and useful!) read. caveat: overtly geared towards a narrowly specific pool of potential female readers, i.e. middle-class pop-culture-loving straight american/non-ethnic women, but i think the psychoanalytic advice could still be applied to other female readers out there!

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a total breath of fresh air for anyone who is dismayed or confused by all the unnerving self-help/relationships advice aimed at women. The author delivers a common sense message with a lively, convivial tone. I was impressed by her high powered academic background, and appreciated that she could also write in a friendly, engaging manner. Ruti is like the best friend you wish you could meet for brunch over the weekend to sort it all out. I highly recommend this one!

[Colin Cox · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mari Ruti is an esteemed academic who works with complex analytical concepts and figures like psychoanalysis, Hegelian phenomenology, Freud and Lacan. Therefore, I was surprised (but should I have been?) to see that about a decade ago, she wrote a deliberately-styled self-help book advocating the importance of romantic love. I cannot say I know the self-help genre well, but I do know the genre's stylistic trappings. Ruti actively writes using the trappings of the genre, and despite making few if any overt references to figures like Freud, Lacan, and Hegel, their influence permeates The Case for Falling in Love.

More than anything, Ruti champions romantic love as a confrontation with that which tears us asunder. That is to say, love is profoundly disruptive, but for Ruti, love's disruptiveness makes it so important and so necessary. She balks at and challenges contemporary notions about love and the self-help industry's fetish for complementarianism. According to Ruti, anyone who wants a love affair to "complete them," much like Tom Cruise's character suggests in Jerry Maguire, misses how nothing, whether it is a romantic relationship or a commodity, can fill the lack the underpins subjectivity. Therefore, we should reject calls for complementarianism and, in its stead, embrace the ways in which the unconscious (that which is in us but also foreign to us) influences what we find desirable about the other. Another way to imagine this contradiction is to understand how precarious love is. Ruti writes, "The catch-22 of love is that it has the power to make us happier than pretty much anything else in the world, but whenever we step into it, we risk unfathomable unhappiness" (186).

Ruti's The Case for Falling in Love demonstrates how seemingly arcane concepts, such as psychoanalysis and Hegelian phenomenology, retain traction in the 21st century. With that said, if you find the self-help genre frustrating to read, then avoid this book. I like what Ruti does here, but again, she writes with a particular audience in mind, and this audience is not an academic one.

[Maxwell · Rating 3 out of 5]

i absolutely loved mari ruti's singularity of being. i decided to read this next as i was interested in sexual relationships and their relation to repetition complusion / death drive and i accidentally read a self help book for young ladies :(

despite spending a large amount of the book being highly critical of self help books, this still is a self help book with the same intended readership in mind. this book is most definitely not written for -me- i didnt really like anything in the first part and i honestly felt weird reading it at times. i thought it was all completely correct and i agree with 100% of its contents but oh man i hate to imagine how bad someone must be doing to get much from it. at the same time, i could definitely see someone finding this uplifting. though it was very lighthearted and mari ruti's writing was very honest and fun, i'd still rate the first part maybe 1 star in terms of how much i got from / enjoyed it

the second part was immediately more my speed with the first chapter diving right into das ding / la chose and this section is home to my favourite line in the book "volià, there's your guy-Thing". i still was not fully in love with this last section either though. it had better connections instead of seemingly trying purely to encourage some very unfortunate woman through a breakup, and lightly touching on lacanian psychoanalysis concepts helped for me, but i still found it mostly lacking

i thought everything in this book was completely correct and i liked the style and, more importantly, i always love mari ruti's perspective, but i think that this was just fundamentally not for me. im still interested in reading a book with these topics (especially from her) but directed maybe a different audience. i really would rate this book no more than a 2 overall but im in love with mari ruti so she's officially bumped up to 3

[Blaze-Pascal · Rating 5 out of 5]

I decided to read this book because I adore Ruti's work that I have read thus far, and because I met someone and I wanted to know what to do... yes, it is directed to a female reader, however, I could relate to some of the men she's dated... and although it's not exactly the same as my experience of being a man, it is truthful in many other senses.

So basically here is the advice that I got from Ruti, don't listen to the traditional self-help books, the 'person' they write about is an archaic mythical person who is like a "knuckle dragger". Instead of trying to fit into some old gender role, or to think you're like an animal and that it's all instinctual, why not just take the chance to fall in love. Yes! It's scary! Yes! You're vulnerable! But where there are great risk there are potentially great rewards. Listen to yourself when you are attracted to someone, be honest with your emotions, and let your heart break.

Yes I agree with how she approaches this book. I don't think it's enough, I think letting our hearts break and being honest with ourselves, and trying to be honest with our feelings is a life long process. Ruti can't do everything, but I think she's on to something true.

Along with my readings in Nonviolent Communication, I think this is a wonderful text.

Thanks Ruti!

[Tara · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 stars for Part 2, which I'd recommend skipping to after the intro. Skimmed Part 1, which was evidently written in 2011 — the pop culture references and conceptions of gender aren't as relevant today though pertinent in spirit. This work by Ruti aims to combat the culture of self help that markets romance as something graspable and manipulable, arguing instead for its inherent incomprehensibility and transience, a murkiness that is itself what enables sublimity. Psychoanalytic theory is accessibly weaved in through her well balanced prose, offering valuable insights on how romance fits into levels of consciousness. Definitely disagreed with some fundamental approaches and conclusions especially when it came to the purpose of love but there were valuable insights nonetheless: the chapter on idealising well, the notion that injecting a hyper pragmatism into love risks eroding its transcendence, and the necessity of embracing risk and relinquishing control. The chapter breaking down the repetition compulsion and patterns of the unconscious was also very concisely communicated. Despite the obvious millenial-straight-woman-trying-to-catch-a-man target audience, many of the insights are pertinent to anyone and I'd definitely recommend a read, not necessarily to adhere to every piece of advice but to sift out the ideas which are undoubtedly useful for introspection.

Some quotes:
"Love is one of the most soul sculpting experiences of human existence. It's never just a little piece of life. It gathers and cradles all of life in its embrace, touching the sum of who we are. When we are lucky, it lends luster to the rest of our activities. When we are unlucky, it spurs us to higher levels of thoughtfulness."

"Imagine living in the world for decades without meeting anyone who understands your language and then, one day, coming across someone who speaks it fluently. That's what falling in love feels like." Also "meeting someone who writes poetry in your language"
Quite beautifully put...applies to friendship too and just general human connection.

"When we fall in love, we long for something bigger and better than the everyday. We yearn to be transported to a magical domain that makes up for some of the insipidness of our ordinary existence. The worst we could do would be to bury this yearning under some bland vision of down-to-earth pragmatism. The worst we could do would be to demote our lover from a sublime object to a meaningless bauble."

"Love is not made for the faint hearted. It's not made for those who hesitate on the sidelines. You must be tremendously brave, tremendously audacious to throw yourself into the eye of the hurricane. You must have incredible faith in your ability to mend a broken heart to risk falling into the arms of a lover whose motivations you may never understand. In a deep sense, passion is meant for the resilient — for those who know they'll find their way back to solid ground no matter how badly they fall."

Maybe I am less of a cynic now. As she says, it's impossible to feel inspired about something we're trying to manipulate. Maybe. Hahahaha

[Stavros Christidis · Rating 2 out of 5]

This self-help book falls short of its own premise. While it critiques the toxic advice given by trending self help books, it establishes a narrative that is itself quite restricting.. There’s an implicit binary that love must be exclusively romantic, and if that decays, the relationship itself loses value. It dind’t allow the possibility for a relationship to transform into something else e.g. platonic .

As a cis male, I realized that I’m likely not the book’s target audience. The tone and references speak more directly to other groups, especially women navigating modern dating culture. While some of the issues discussed overlap with my own experiences, I couldn’t quite relate to them.

That said, I particularly liked the short section introducing Lacan’s concept of the Thing. Most book say that love is random, but this helped me understand why. Of course, the Thing is not really a scientific term, but nonetheless I might use it as a tool navigating through my personal experiences. It helped me accept the randomness factor that rules all over our romantics interests and abandon the games for seeking validation. Of course, it ‘s been two ways since I finished the book so I just hope this is the case lol

Unfortunately, I wish the rest of the book was more like that. It left me curious to read more of Ruti’s academic stuff. Or Lacan...

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent break-up read.

While the opening made me think that this book was going to seem dated and tired, Ruti’s scholarly insight and incisive voice make themselves more assertive as the book progresses. The book rapidly progresses through mildly tired Feminism For Hetero Ladies, through chapters that sound like fun conversations with a fun and liberated friend, through a truly sublime meditation on the uncontrollable nature of love and how it shapes and enriches our lives even in loss.

As I’ve implied, the least interesting parts of this book are the very For Ladies About Men opening chapters— though they don’t betray Ruti’s gender studies bona fides, they’re a little cloying (perhaps to ensure that the book would be accessible to the primary self-help audience of 2010). A reader in 2024 may prefer, as Ruti herself backhanded suggested, to skip to the book’s resonant second half.

[Tanya N. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love this book so much

[Ryan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am extremely torn on whether this is a 2 or 3 star book. I really respect and enjoy Mari's work. Dare I say, I tend to love it. But this book does not make a strong case for why.

I understand that this book was written in 2009 and so is a bit out of touch with some modern social norms (not to mention pop culture references). That said, it still strikes an odd note for a book that forcefully proclaims the equality of the sexes to assume its reader is a woman who exclusively dates men.

What's more, it's repetitive and occasionally trite. I'd described another Ruti book 'The Call of Character' as her doing her best at being a Lacanian Brene Brown and mostly pulling it off. Well, in this case, she's trying the same trick and not doing quite as well.

What gives me pause, outside of my respect for Ruti, in giving it a full throated pan, then? Just when I'm out, Mari has a way of finding a topic or concept and pulling me back in with it. Her discussion of The Thing, while it becomes repetitive itself, is compelling and thought provoking.

Also: I am plainly not the target audience for this book. Not only is that audience cis het women, it is ones who both have no real knowledge of her field and who need a pep talk about breaking up with self help books. Perhaps the repetitive nature of Ruti's disagreement from platitudes about Mars and Venus and endorsement of Gossip Girl will land better.

But for me, this is the Ruti equivalent to a disappointing weak EP is a favorite bands discography, perhaps with a song or two that are worth putting on the Best Of playlist.

[Sharla · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book. I really did. I probably stumbled across it on a blog or in a magazine, and the optimistic title alone had me excited to give it a go. However, the author's antagonism toward typical self-help books in the romance category, as well as her ideas around society and gender really just overtook the message. At first, I wasn't too bothered - I somewhat agreed with her with regards to the annoying self-help books that focus on teaching people to play the game, or to cater to what they think the other person may or may not want, or to buy into stereotyped patterns. But again, the repetitive antagonism was off-putting. And I wasn't really so sure about the theories on gender either -- it was almost as though she was swinging the pendulum so hard on relationships and social gender roles, that it was in the other direction. There were many references to criticizing other authors for misuse (or lack of use) of strict scientific evidence in support of their ideas, but by the same token, the only items I stumbled across (in the 75 pages before I gave up) supporting this author's ideas were some personal anecdotes of friends, and generic references. Overall, it was just too antagonistic for me, and even if the ideas are outside the range of what I'm apt to believe, there didn't seem to be the direct link to research to back it up.

[Octavia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good pick-me up book if you have been heartbroken or having strings of bad dates.

I finally felt understood for the first time when reading this book. I have to admit that I have read so-called "self-help" books in the past where the books urge women to play games or refrain herself from expressing her true self. Mari rightfully puts everything into perspective in this book, there is absolutely no rules in love. Both men and women will never master the madness of love and these rules are making things even more complicated then it needs to be.

Secondly, one's gender should not define who we are. "Men are this or women are that" mentality would hurt both genders equally in understanding our significant others in a meaningful way. We as a society have made so many strides in gender equality and yet when it comes to dating, we still like to hold on to our old fashion ways.

I could not agree more with Mari when she mentions that men who sees women as a equal will love women as person and would treat her as a friend. I am yet to find such a partner. However, it gives me hope that I was not wrong in believing that there is a better ways to do relationships than following the stereotypical norms of dating.

[Courtney Bowling · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was torn between 3 and 4 stars for this book. On one hand, the book is written extremely esoterically, almost as though it is translated from an entirely different language. It was very hard to get through at times, and Ruti seems to lack the ability to use direct language. Also, as a Harvard academic, Ruti wrote this book with a similar audience in mind, I think. On the other hand, there are insights in this book that I have never heard uttered anywhere else before, and I love that she deconstructs books such as He's Just Not Into You, in such a way as to respect the author, but to offer a more contemporary approach, reminding us that men are people too - they can be shy or get nervous, they can legitimately be busy, and so on - and gender stereotypes benefit neither gender, ultimately.
Another minor complaint is the lack of relevance for LGBT individuals. Being an academic, I would have thought Ruti could have sought advice from outside sources. However, the book was written in 2011.

[ren · Rating 3 out of 5]

i thought this was one of ruti’s theory books lmao should’ve read the blurb and reviews. i skimmed a lot since i’m familiar with her takes but have to give her kudos for bringing in lacan to explain the psychology of love and loss in lucid terms. she’s writing deliberately within the genre so i can’t fault her too much for the slightly sweeping statements turned advice since i think it all depends; still, i appreciate that she frames the rules as “anti-rules” to encourage readers also to do their own critical thinking and soul-searching. this would be one of the few self-help books i’d recommend to more casual (and younger) readers.

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Since I am not super-smitten with gender-centric self-help relationship guides, I may not be the ideal audience for this book -- at least with the first half. But in the second half, when she takes apart our received ideas about love and romance: yes. I appreciate very much her suggestion that we look at our beloved with love. (I can never get far -- nor want to -- from the Gottmans, who know how much it matters to keep the balance towards "yes.")

And also: #6 of her "anti-rules" is one I wish we'd all follow: "Stop being afraid to have needs and vulnerabilities."

Let's all get soft.

[Rob · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn’t recommend more. Sister! <3

Because her focus is Eros, she does not provide any solution for its erosion that is wont to happen over time. I think this is why agape, as love, comes to stand in for what erodes in Eros — but she isn’t interested in the social bond, she is a pure romantic and I love her for it.

[kindra | kindrareads · Rating 4 out of 5]

Far from average, including repeat reference to Gossip Girl, Mari Ruti put some wisdom on paper. This doesn’t make learning from, letting go, and embracing the madness any easier, but it’s affirming that life is a crazy ride and efforts to control our circumstances in love are often futile.

[Sherry · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is just a bit better than old pop self-help, and still off the reality metrics.

[Reuben]

"The death of desire is usually as enigmatic at its birth."

[Mia Nelson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mari misses on this one, but I see the kernel of greatness that will become “penis envy and other bad feelings.” Repetitive and soooo early 2000s. But yeah it’s my fave subject so I’ll bite. I bit!

[Tasha · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Case for Falling in Love is what I would describe as being a guide to help you undo all the previous BS you’ve been programmed to believe about dating. It offers a new, fresh way of seeing the true dynamics among the sexes. It doesn’t offer that Mars/Venus excuse for every little thing that goes wrong in our relationships.

The book itself is broken down into two parts: Changing How We Think About Men and Women and Changing How We Think About Love and Romance.

One of the major things this book deals with is trying to break down a lot of gender stereotypes that have been drilled into us from the womb. Mari does a great job of doing this by providing the reader with examples that are relate to today’s pop culture. She uses pop culture everyone should recognize even if it’s just in passing, such as, Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, Glee, The O.C., and Smallville, just to name a few. I myself am one of those girls who are a sucker for the Seth Cohen appeal.

I enjoyed how Mari incorporates the letters from her male friends and counterparts, to provide a real-life take from the male prospective. One of my favorites was from Sean about his black belt wife.

To hear from men that they are not intimated or turned off by strong, successful women after constantly hearing just the opposite, is quite refreshing.

We also learn to eliminate all the game playing. Neither gender truly enjoys it. So we have to dispense of the notion that you have to play hard to get (not meaning throw yourself at him) or the “rules” you must follow to keep him. You just have to be yourself, because after awhile trying to keep up this façade becomes a job in and of itself. Plus it’s not the true you that the person is “in love” with, but the person you led them to believe you were.

Another of the major things Mari deals with is how we are projecting our ideal of our mate onto them, but not actually seeing them. We are constantly in search of that illusive “Thing” in our mate that will complete us. One of the chapters is titled rightly so in Seeing the Extraordinary Within the Ordinary.

We do tend to measure our partner or potential love match against external criteria as Mari suggests. I myself am guilty of this. I can recall recently sharing with a friend that my “ideal” man would have the external packaging of David Beckham and the sense of humor and family togetherness of Will Smith.

Overall this is an eye-opening book that everyone can benefit from. Not just the single girl, but anyway dating in the 21st century. This will definitely help to bring some of those on the dating scene kicking and screaming into this century. Mari offers a no holds barred look at not only the dating scene but at ourselves.

[Leslie Wexler · Rating 2 out of 5]

Mari Ruti teaches contemporary critical theory at the University of Toronto and is quite obviously a huge fan of Lacan. This hilarious "self-help" book is amazing in a couple of respects. First - it is quite hard to take Lacanian theoretical concepts and resituate them in the practical aspects of relational dynamics. So, for taking on that task I was delighted to read this book. The other amazing, within the realm of incredulous, aspect of this book is its awful, awful tone. I think Ruti's intended audience is the cast of Girls. Perhaps that may make this book popular, but for any serious consideration - I dare you to read these long-winded rambling statements: "There are two ways to idealize. The first is to measure your lover against an external criterion. This could be something tangible: The guy in Obsession ads, A-Rod, the lead singer of Coldplay (the list goes on way, way too long...to arrive at this:) In a pinch, it could even be Tom Cruise. In a pinch."; "We keep thinking that the guy's appeal is his own doing - that he's so sexy or fascinating because he's somehow better than the rest of them. We fail to see that it's our own desire that's turning him into Orlando Bloom." ; "Asking a guy to incarnate the Thing is like asking for snow in Central Park during one of those sweltering August days that sends New Yorkers to their air-conditioned closet-sized apartments (or to the Hamptons, if you're one of the lucky ones.)"

One of the lucky ones?
The Hamptons,
Saks, Barney's, Orlando Bloom and Tom Cruise in a pinch.

Bahaha. This book was pure hilarity. I hope this soft pitch to the twenty-something female academics helps them in some way - because they're the true audience (never mind the Hamptons). Educated at Brown and Harvard, Ruti places her personal experiences (and name drops Harvard a startling amount) into her narrative so that little by little, chapter by chapter you don't just get an outline of Lacan, but Ruti herself. All in all, this is a pretty daring book for Ruti based on the first sentence that I wrote in this review.

[Lenore Webb · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The Case for Falling in Love" by Mari Ruti, PhD is—as Publisher’s Weekly puts it—“an extremely refreshing take on an overdone genre.” Mari, educated at Brown, Harvard and the University of Paris, believes the premise that today’s conventional wisdom on dating is commercialized, shallow and flat wrong. More than that, it’s damaging to women.

What College Girl likes is that the book uses modern issues to make the case for classic romance and love. It’s a fun, contemporary read, not stodgy. So many books on relationships are just annoying. Has a new fad for everything. College Girl wants some one steady, not the latest and greatest thing to come along. Written in a funny, thought-provoking, and sharply intelligent style, Ruti’s Case for Falling Love engages and informs while dispelling today’s Top Misconceptions, such as:

· In order to make romance work, women need to learn to interpret the “male psyche” and develop a toolbox of luring techniques

· Women must resort to some variant of “Hard to Get” to win a man

· To succeed, women must “massage the male ego”

· Failures at Love are failures in Life

Well level headed College Girl is not going to play those games. She is looking for someone not only her equal but that has a brain....and loves sharing that part of themselves the most. Not your average hottie, even though her body says other wise. CG knows that a long lasting relationship is built on friendship first. She also is aware that it is not the first thing you do, fall in love. It is a time consuming act that hopefully will be repeated with the same person over and over again as the years go by.

[Cheryl · Rating 3 out of 5]

In The Case for Falling in Love, Mari helps show readers that everything you read in self-help books can actually sometimes be damaging versus helping you. Yes, you could follow the advice in these books if you want to get a guy or girl but what if you are looking for”love”? I am not talking about the stuff you read in romance novels, though we would all like to have that but I am talking about “real” love.

Each chapter starts out with a Myth and a Fact like the following examples:

Myth: Men prefer women who let them take the lead.

Fact: Many quality men are looking for an equal relationship with a competent and independent woman.

Myth: The best way to win a man’s heart is to play into his fantasies of femine desirability.

Fact: This is one of the best ways to get your heart broken.

I can say that the first myth and fact are true I asked my husband with choice he would prefer and he picked the Fact about an equal relationship. While, the tips in this book were not so new, it was nice to read that the saying “Be yourself” still holds true. One thing that I did like about this book was Mari sharing actual events that either happened to her or her friends. This helped to show that what she was saying was not just her teaching something that was not achievable. The Case for Falling in Love is a book that everyone could benefit from

[Niya · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first heard Dr. Ruti talk about this book at a guest lecture and I was charmed by her frank manner, her realistic outlook on love and life, and her stance on the whole "self help" genre of literature. Reading the text, that is remarkably true to her voice, has been deeply enjoyable for a number of reasons. Primarily, her insights are well grounded in both science and reason - but not in the silly psychobabble way that uses things as far fetched as evolutionary biology and random animal studies to define "optimal" behaviour to secure a mate. That is because this book isn't about securing a mate. It is about love, that deeper, complex, nuanced, difficult, euphoric thing that is so much more than finding someone with good genes so we can reproduce. That Dr. Ruti encourages self awareness, and self development, and the concept that failing at love is not failing at life is so refreshing. It also doesn't hurt that her views on modern gender roles cite the characters from Gossip Girl - because who wouldn't want Nate on their arm?

Whether someone has recently crushed your heart, or you're looking to change your overall perception on the messy thing that love is, this one is well worth reading once, and perhaps again.

[ABleu · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a breath of fresh air! Mari Ruti breaks down love in a way that many other dating books try to scramble together. She spends the first half of the book breaking down why popular titles such as "He's just not that into you" or "Why men marry bitches" are dangerous to finding true lasting love.

In the second half, she gets real with you and explains that sometimes love is supposed to be "murky" and complicated and confusing. She says that such love affairs open your heart to deeper parts of yourself that you are not able to understand in other relationships.

Three of my past relationships are more clear after reading this book. I cannot say that this read is for everyone. Many of us DO want a clear, bullet proof method to finding a relationship. Some people like categories and easy explanations for "why men are this way and why women are that way".

For those of us who are brave enough to venture into darker levels of love and come out with a deeper understanding of ourselves -- this book is for you.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

My expectations were not high for this book, which I must admit had a lot to do with the cover. The color of the background, the font, and the flower all suggest those "Love the One You're With" romance novel nonsense. The book is actually more like thoughts on love and advocating for women (yes, this book is written to the ladies) to not give up when they feel discouraged or heartbroken. I thought the first half was ok in making connections to media and taking down self-help books for mainstream views on relationships and gender roles. But what I really liked was the second half, where Ruti digs through psychodynamic theory to explain the innate longing for "The Thing" that we idealize, that gives us hope and hole of melancholia that results. This book helped me to reexamine romantic love as something that also serves a purpose in growing as a human being. She outrightly states that not all love is meant to last. If you are of the lucky few that finds lifelong love, that's nice, but it is in the loving and losing of love that we become more ourselves.

[Samantha · Rating 3 out of 5]

So I read this book since I'm going to be allowed to date soon and I wanted to prepare myself for the future. I wanted to see what I should know and what to be prepared for. Put simply, this book gave me a good general idea, but at times it does drag. Ruti sometimes comes across as being Ms. Snooty--I have a degree from Harvard, hahahaha-----and sometimes, feminist (I have nothing against feminists, I am just a follower of their ideas).

I did take plenty from this book though (such as let go when necessary, let whatever is meant to happen happen, and don't change who you are for anyone since in the end it won't turn out too good) and I liked most of the cultural references.

All in all, a decent little read that left me with something but that I probably wouldn't read again except to glance at a couple chapters.

[Stacey Herrera · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Case for Falling in Love: Why We Can't Master the Madness of Love--and Why That's the Best Part is quite a refreshing read. Mari Ruti PhD, does a remarkable job at dispelling myths about love, relationships, gender differences, and assumptions. Even if you have read a million relationship help books, you haven't read one like this, I promise.

If you are a Gossip Girl fan, you're in for a treat because there is a whole chapter called "For Better Romantic Advice: Watch Gossip Girl." No kidding! I bet you didn't think you could learn anything from this trendy show, but you're wrong. This book is an enjoyable read, even if you think you've got the whole relationship thing all figured out.

[Steph · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very well-written book and very easy for the reader to navigate. Though it is obvious that the author has a great deal of education behind her, she doesn't talk over our heads, but explains things in a manner that most people would be able to understand. This book is a far cry away from the 1950's style of love that most of us have come to believe as commonplace. Far better than self-help books that promote feminine weakness and dependence on a man.