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Opting In: Having a Child Without Losing Yourself by Amy Richards
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August 14, 2025
A FEMINIST MOTHER PROVIDES SOME IDEAS AND INSIGHTS
Author (and co-founder of the Third Wave Foundation) Amy Richards wrote in the Introduction to this 2008 book, “When I am asked, ‘Can you be a feminist and a mother?’ I answer yes, but not if that means escaping the realities of your own life. Being exclusively a mother can be an easy way out, seeing yourself in relationship to others rather than figuring out what you uniquely want or who you uniquely are. In fact, the initial tension between feminism and motherhood developed because the former advocates the pursuit of independence, while the latter is based on dependence. In its most basic definition, feminism is about self-worth and dignity, which mothers need in order to parent effectively… I know that the stronger sense of self that I get from my non-familial responsibilities has made me a better parent. I also know that I always wanted kids and that I would have felt cheated if I had sacrificed that.” (Pg. 6)
She continues, “The people I talked to … expressed confusion about the extent to which this very political movement could support this very personal decision. People seemed genuinely interested in how to reconcile this historically fractured relationship. This book has become a synthesis of those conversations---a pastiche of years of talking and thinking, augmented with more targeted interviews and research. Because motherhood is so frequently used as a stand-in for femininity---the supreme expression of being a real woman, in fact---there is confusion as to how it can be compatible with feminism… To actually enjoy motherhood or to embrace it challenges most people’s assumptions about how to be a feminist.” (Pg. 7)
Later, she adds, “For my mother’s generation, being a feminist parent was easier to define. She raised me on her own, put herself through college, had a women’s group… Even if she hadn’t used the language of feminism, others would have projected that onto her. Today, women are parenting solo in record numbers, and working moms are the norm. However… many of today’s parents struggle with how to live in a way that does not clash with their progressive values… Given my 15-year career as a feminist writer, lecturer, and activist, I am aware of how much feminism has improved the world for mothers… We have baby seats in grocery carts, diaper-changing stations in men’s and women’s restrooms, schools that don’t segregate boys and girls for sports, tax deductions for child care expenses, the Family and Medical Leave Act, onsite child care in the workplace, flextime, job-sharing opportunities… feminism’s investment in parenting is undeniable.” (Pg. 9-10)
She explains, “In my own life, I’m both a worker and a full-time mother. I work from home most of the time and spend my day juggling. I work at least eight hours a day but often do so at one in the morning, and I always put in a few hours each weekend. People… want me to fit neatly into one category because to present an alternate possibility challenges their sense of how things are supposed to be. It used to be that a person who found a way to do it all was ‘unique.’ Today, there are more people who combine work and family in their own ways.” (Pg. 23)
She acknowledges, “I know that work is more than money, and yet I personally stumble when it comes to incorporating my parenting into my professional successes. I have spent countless hours writing my online advice column, ‘Ask Amy,’ and poured many late nights into creating the Third Wave Foundation, all without receiving a dime. Yet, I consistently describe these two responsibilities as part of my work. But still, when I list my accomplishments, I actually don’t include parenting. In part, I’m protecting myself from having others make assumptions about me, but I also lack confidence that parenting is work. Yes, it consumes hours in my day, but I don’t put it on a par with that I am paid to do or with what I consider more intellectual pursuits. That’s certainly my own limitation. With the help of feminism, I hope to change some of that. We all can.” (Pg. 48)
She suggests, “I believe that a big reason feminism isn’t more readily associated with motherhood is that the issue has been dwarfed and confused by the abortion debate. Both issues fall under the overarching heading of reproductive rights… Feminism’s defense that it is pro-mother primarily comes back to its crusade for reproductive rights for women. And though ‘pro-choice’ was meant to encompass the full range of choices, far too many people understand this only as ‘pro-abortion.’ … I think, consciously or not, people find it distracting to talk at the same time about abortion and motherhood, because doing so blurs the point at which those fetuses morph from potential life into life… For instance, when Naomi Wolf famously wrote in The New Republic of her evolving opinion on abortion after having a child, she was vilified in feminist circles for being sympathetic to the pro-life side.” (Pg. 68-70)
She reports, “Thirty-plus years after its publication, ‘Free to Be [You and Me]’ is still sold and digested by legions of kids, maybe force-fed by parents who grew up with it and maybe less needed. Many boys know they can have dolls, but still only want train sets. Some girls… legitimately desire pink as do some boys… But at least we know that we have choices---and Marlo [Thomas’s] goal of making girls understand that they don’t have to get married has certainly come to fruition. Free to Be’s message is now pretty dated. Kids know that they are ‘free to be’ and that ‘parents are people.’ That’s the very power of ‘Free to Be’---it revolutionized how we think. Many are living it rather than just singing it. (Pg. 151)
She explains, “Today, we have come to realize the necessity of an old girls’ network. Rather than making only mommy friends, many women hang on to our long-term friends. This evolution is partly a consequence of being independent for longer before settling into partner relationships; we are less likely to weed out our old friends because they are more than a passing phase in our lives. Also, because of the Internet we are more global and logistically able to stay connected.’ (Pg. 203)
She recounts, “In the past, many women were driven into the women’s movement as a reaction to how they were treated by their mothers or how their mothers were treated by the world. Betty Friedan hated her mother. Gloria Steinem’s mother was depressed. Letty Cottin Pogrebin’s mother died when she was fifteen and her stepmother she eternally describes as ‘her father’s wife.’ Alice Walker was neglected by her loving mother, yet she couldn’t be angry because she witnessed the demands on her of poverty and constant work. The list goes on. We know these stories because the daughters became famous, but those of less famous women were no different.” (Pg. 240)
She summarizes, “When I consider why I had children, the primary answer is because I want someone to be as loved as I was in my own childhood; I want someone to feel as if life has limitless possibilities. I want someone to have hardships and know that you can pull through. And I want to re-create that so that others can be motivated to re-create that kind of childhood for future generations.” (Pg. 251)
She concludes, “This is precisely why Betty Friedan’s revolution remains unfinished. We may have changed the world more than we changed ourselves. But real change begins with how we conduct our lives.” (Pg. 255)
This book will be of keen interest to those studying the intersection of feminism and motherhood.
Author (and co-founder of the Third Wave Foundation) Amy Richards wrote in the Introduction to this 2008 book, “When I am asked, ‘Can you be a feminist and a mother?’ I answer yes, but not if that means escaping the realities of your own life. Being exclusively a mother can be an easy way out, seeing yourself in relationship to others rather than figuring out what you uniquely want or who you uniquely are. In fact, the initial tension between feminism and motherhood developed because the former advocates the pursuit of independence, while the latter is based on dependence. In its most basic definition, feminism is about self-worth and dignity, which mothers need in order to parent effectively… I know that the stronger sense of self that I get from my non-familial responsibilities has made me a better parent. I also know that I always wanted kids and that I would have felt cheated if I had sacrificed that.” (Pg. 6)
She continues, “The people I talked to … expressed confusion about the extent to which this very political movement could support this very personal decision. People seemed genuinely interested in how to reconcile this historically fractured relationship. This book has become a synthesis of those conversations---a pastiche of years of talking and thinking, augmented with more targeted interviews and research. Because motherhood is so frequently used as a stand-in for femininity---the supreme expression of being a real woman, in fact---there is confusion as to how it can be compatible with feminism… To actually enjoy motherhood or to embrace it challenges most people’s assumptions about how to be a feminist.” (Pg. 7)
Later, she adds, “For my mother’s generation, being a feminist parent was easier to define. She raised me on her own, put herself through college, had a women’s group… Even if she hadn’t used the language of feminism, others would have projected that onto her. Today, women are parenting solo in record numbers, and working moms are the norm. However… many of today’s parents struggle with how to live in a way that does not clash with their progressive values… Given my 15-year career as a feminist writer, lecturer, and activist, I am aware of how much feminism has improved the world for mothers… We have baby seats in grocery carts, diaper-changing stations in men’s and women’s restrooms, schools that don’t segregate boys and girls for sports, tax deductions for child care expenses, the Family and Medical Leave Act, onsite child care in the workplace, flextime, job-sharing opportunities… feminism’s investment in parenting is undeniable.” (Pg. 9-10)
She explains, “In my own life, I’m both a worker and a full-time mother. I work from home most of the time and spend my day juggling. I work at least eight hours a day but often do so at one in the morning, and I always put in a few hours each weekend. People… want me to fit neatly into one category because to present an alternate possibility challenges their sense of how things are supposed to be. It used to be that a person who found a way to do it all was ‘unique.’ Today, there are more people who combine work and family in their own ways.” (Pg. 23)
She acknowledges, “I know that work is more than money, and yet I personally stumble when it comes to incorporating my parenting into my professional successes. I have spent countless hours writing my online advice column, ‘Ask Amy,’ and poured many late nights into creating the Third Wave Foundation, all without receiving a dime. Yet, I consistently describe these two responsibilities as part of my work. But still, when I list my accomplishments, I actually don’t include parenting. In part, I’m protecting myself from having others make assumptions about me, but I also lack confidence that parenting is work. Yes, it consumes hours in my day, but I don’t put it on a par with that I am paid to do or with what I consider more intellectual pursuits. That’s certainly my own limitation. With the help of feminism, I hope to change some of that. We all can.” (Pg. 48)
She suggests, “I believe that a big reason feminism isn’t more readily associated with motherhood is that the issue has been dwarfed and confused by the abortion debate. Both issues fall under the overarching heading of reproductive rights… Feminism’s defense that it is pro-mother primarily comes back to its crusade for reproductive rights for women. And though ‘pro-choice’ was meant to encompass the full range of choices, far too many people understand this only as ‘pro-abortion.’ … I think, consciously or not, people find it distracting to talk at the same time about abortion and motherhood, because doing so blurs the point at which those fetuses morph from potential life into life… For instance, when Naomi Wolf famously wrote in The New Republic of her evolving opinion on abortion after having a child, she was vilified in feminist circles for being sympathetic to the pro-life side.” (Pg. 68-70)
She reports, “Thirty-plus years after its publication, ‘Free to Be [You and Me]’ is still sold and digested by legions of kids, maybe force-fed by parents who grew up with it and maybe less needed. Many boys know they can have dolls, but still only want train sets. Some girls… legitimately desire pink as do some boys… But at least we know that we have choices---and Marlo [Thomas’s] goal of making girls understand that they don’t have to get married has certainly come to fruition. Free to Be’s message is now pretty dated. Kids know that they are ‘free to be’ and that ‘parents are people.’ That’s the very power of ‘Free to Be’---it revolutionized how we think. Many are living it rather than just singing it. (Pg. 151)
She explains, “Today, we have come to realize the necessity of an old girls’ network. Rather than making only mommy friends, many women hang on to our long-term friends. This evolution is partly a consequence of being independent for longer before settling into partner relationships; we are less likely to weed out our old friends because they are more than a passing phase in our lives. Also, because of the Internet we are more global and logistically able to stay connected.’ (Pg. 203)
She recounts, “In the past, many women were driven into the women’s movement as a reaction to how they were treated by their mothers or how their mothers were treated by the world. Betty Friedan hated her mother. Gloria Steinem’s mother was depressed. Letty Cottin Pogrebin’s mother died when she was fifteen and her stepmother she eternally describes as ‘her father’s wife.’ Alice Walker was neglected by her loving mother, yet she couldn’t be angry because she witnessed the demands on her of poverty and constant work. The list goes on. We know these stories because the daughters became famous, but those of less famous women were no different.” (Pg. 240)
She summarizes, “When I consider why I had children, the primary answer is because I want someone to be as loved as I was in my own childhood; I want someone to feel as if life has limitless possibilities. I want someone to have hardships and know that you can pull through. And I want to re-create that so that others can be motivated to re-create that kind of childhood for future generations.” (Pg. 251)
She concludes, “This is precisely why Betty Friedan’s revolution remains unfinished. We may have changed the world more than we changed ourselves. But real change begins with how we conduct our lives.” (Pg. 255)
This book will be of keen interest to those studying the intersection of feminism and motherhood.
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