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Women's reality: An emerging female system in the white male society
Offers a take-off point, a set of intellectual tools with which women can begin to undertake thair own analyses and understanding.
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First published January 1, 1981
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
December 29, 2010
In the 80's, I bought multiple copies of this book to hand out to anyone who was interested. I'm reading this book again to see if I still think it rates 5 stars as I did back in the 80's. Anne Wilson Schaef has changed her mind about a lot of ideas that she wrote and has since published many more books. She's a growing, thinking person who changes her mind and sees things more clearly as she goes on in life. (Yea!!)I still think her observations are mostly right on. Its a small book, very succinct,with many good observations about the world we live in and the various cultures (men, women, blacks, native americans,etc) and how they adapt to the dominate culture. She uses a lot of examples of situations and of her experiences which makes it very readable. Some men think its a male bashing book but I don't agree and its certainly not her intention. Well, I've never talked to a guy who has actually read the book, but I did do an oral book report on it in college once and that was the response from the guys. The author emphasizes that she's not placing judgment, just describing the different systems.
March 14, 2012
Very enlightening! It was a game-changer! It changed my whole perception & world view, and still lurks in the back of my mind in EVERY social situation, personal or worldwide, even 30 years later.
October 22, 2016
While this book had some gems, it was annoying in that Schaef used certain stereotypes to quell other stereotypes.
The author took for granted that women love a certain way, react a certain way, have a knack of understanding that most men do not, successful careers always drain women and it bores them after years of trying to play by the Male White System (WMS), etc -- without realising that the reason women have all of those experiences and feelings unique to their gender is BECAUSE of the WMS.
She did not care to understand/explain this, going on directly to categorise everything that women usually go through because of the social heirarchy, as a Female System.
She totally ignored the possibility of the idea that women living in the WMS might be inherently similar to a white male in her ideas/interests were they not raised so differently and with different expectations, in the 'pollution', as she calls the System, using an analogy.
This is the problem I have with many books on women, written in the last century, because while they agree that no gender is superior or inferior, they take on the idea that difference in cultures of men and that of women are because of the differences of gender.
For a greater understanding of nuances such as this, I recommend Cordelia Fine's 'Delusions of Gender' which goes in great depth to explain, for ex, why a certain women might do better on 'understanding people', than a certain man.
The author took for granted that women love a certain way, react a certain way, have a knack of understanding that most men do not, successful careers always drain women and it bores them after years of trying to play by the Male White System (WMS), etc -- without realising that the reason women have all of those experiences and feelings unique to their gender is BECAUSE of the WMS.
She did not care to understand/explain this, going on directly to categorise everything that women usually go through because of the social heirarchy, as a Female System.
She totally ignored the possibility of the idea that women living in the WMS might be inherently similar to a white male in her ideas/interests were they not raised so differently and with different expectations, in the 'pollution', as she calls the System, using an analogy.
This is the problem I have with many books on women, written in the last century, because while they agree that no gender is superior or inferior, they take on the idea that difference in cultures of men and that of women are because of the differences of gender.
For a greater understanding of nuances such as this, I recommend Cordelia Fine's 'Delusions of Gender' which goes in great depth to explain, for ex, why a certain women might do better on 'understanding people', than a certain man.
January 28, 2024
Fantastic, and, having read 'Escape from Intimacy' first, obviously some of her earlier work
June 30, 2024
a breakdown of the White Male System that we often blindly follow and how to recognize it. even though it was written a while ago it brought up still relevant and important topics.
April 23, 2013
Wilson-Schaef originally wrote this book in 1981; the copy I've read is the third edition from 1992. I rarely read psych or feminist theory anymore, and only got into it because my boyfriend thought it to be both interesting and he agreed with most of it, and it might spark some interesting conversation between us. I was curious to see if the conclusions in this book still held up in the second decade of this century.
For the most part, I think that the core concepts in Women's Reality are still solidly accurate. Her description of the white male system and the ways that women relate to it, is fairly spot on. I cannot disagree in the least with her concept of women feeling "innate inferiority," and the breakdown of women's relating and reacting within this societal model. The evaluation of male-female relationships seemed very accurate to me, and while "the perfect marriage" descriptions seem somewhat dated in the examples, the overall description of the rigidity of the relationship and the base inequality of the partnership was something I could agree with (and why I've personally scoffed at the idea of traditional marriage for most of my life).
I had some real issues with some of Wilson-Schaef's presentation of the female system, and I find it interesting to contemplate whether this is because of my own lifelong indoctrination in the white male system, or because I really think she is off base. Probably the biggest objection I have is her description of the difference that men and women have processing information: "In general, a man takes in information through the sense organs in his head" vs "A woman takes in information through her solar plexus." I really think this section is really weak.
All in all, it's an interesting and informative read which provokes quite a lot of thought.
For the most part, I think that the core concepts in Women's Reality are still solidly accurate. Her description of the white male system and the ways that women relate to it, is fairly spot on. I cannot disagree in the least with her concept of women feeling "innate inferiority," and the breakdown of women's relating and reacting within this societal model. The evaluation of male-female relationships seemed very accurate to me, and while "the perfect marriage" descriptions seem somewhat dated in the examples, the overall description of the rigidity of the relationship and the base inequality of the partnership was something I could agree with (and why I've personally scoffed at the idea of traditional marriage for most of my life).
I had some real issues with some of Wilson-Schaef's presentation of the female system, and I find it interesting to contemplate whether this is because of my own lifelong indoctrination in the white male system, or because I really think she is off base. Probably the biggest objection I have is her description of the difference that men and women have processing information: "In general, a man takes in information through the sense organs in his head" vs "A woman takes in information through her solar plexus." I really think this section is really weak.
All in all, it's an interesting and informative read which provokes quite a lot of thought.
November 18, 2012
This book completely changed my perspective on our culture, especially here in the Deep South. It contrasts the White Male System with the Female System, and helps women understand that having a different perspective and method in life is not bad.
Your journey to this book must be gradual. Seeing the White Male System for what it is can be a shock, and you will reject it's reality if you're not ready. Prepare to have revealed the source of your nagging doubts, your negative messages, the little ponderings about your role as a wife, mother or just being a female in our society. Prepare to be freed, as I was. It gave me a choice not to participate, to reject the hold the patriarchal mindset had on my life. It will take some time to purge.
It changed my marriage for the better, revealing the core of what was wrong in our relationship and leaving us both free to pursue our true selves and work together instead of trying to quantify the worth of and work each contributed to our lives.
I appreciate the way Schaef wrote this book. There is no hatred, no animosity. It's laid out very factually and calmly, contrasting both points of view.
Your journey to this book must be gradual. Seeing the White Male System for what it is can be a shock, and you will reject it's reality if you're not ready. Prepare to have revealed the source of your nagging doubts, your negative messages, the little ponderings about your role as a wife, mother or just being a female in our society. Prepare to be freed, as I was. It gave me a choice not to participate, to reject the hold the patriarchal mindset had on my life. It will take some time to purge.
It changed my marriage for the better, revealing the core of what was wrong in our relationship and leaving us both free to pursue our true selves and work together instead of trying to quantify the worth of and work each contributed to our lives.
I appreciate the way Schaef wrote this book. There is no hatred, no animosity. It's laid out very factually and calmly, contrasting both points of view.
January 14, 2019
- Interesting read - a quick read, very academic in nature. Chosen as homework for the ebook I was writing on feminism and women winning. All in all... Never boring. Sometimes kooky ( as in the nature of personal opinion that tries to make itself truth.) Very thought provoking and as equally psychological as philosophical.
You'll read it and you will enjoy it.
You'll read it and you will enjoy it.
January 10, 2008
Absolutely a MUST read.
November 17, 2025
Review of Women’s Reality: An Emerging Female System in a White Male Society by Anne Wilson Schaef
This is the first time I have ever heard someone say aloud what I already know.
This book is essential reading for everyone, especially men. It’s old, and yet here we are in 2025 with every single concept still applying perfectly. That alone to me is both impressive and depressing. As Schaef says early on, the psychology of our culture aka the “white male system” forces us into a hierarchy built on domination and exploitation. Our entire theological and cultural framework still functions to preserve that system and limit actual human freedom and growth. Reading this with 2025 eyes simply confirms that nothing fundamental has changed…
What I loved about the book is how clearly it compares the “female system” with the “white system.” The female system is still emerging, and in many ways developed as a survival strategy in response to the failures of the dominant system. Schaef keeps emphasising that these are systems, not individual men or women. For example, the white system insists on sameness: “Let’s ignore differences, differences divide us, let’s focus on what we have in common.” That sounds nice on the surface, but what it really does is erase lived experiences: being Black in a white system, being a woman in a white system, etc, under the guise of unity. It’s a selective blindness masquerading as fairness.
One of the most fascinating parts was her breakdown of how religion, mathematics, and science have been shaped by white male thinking. So many “findings” we take as facts (at face value) are really interpretations filtered through cultural bias, and yet they’re used to reinforce the very system that produced them.
She also writes about inferiority. Men do struggle with inferiority and low self-esteem, but theirs comes from feeling unable to maintain constant superiority. They cannot imagine the depth of the inferiority women internalise simply for existing as female. No matter how competent or confident a woman is, that sense of “fundamental wrongness” penetrates every layer of her life.
She goes through coping mechanisms women develop to survive within the system. One is our almost unbelievable capacity to remember details. At first glance it looks like pettiness- women wanting to be right about events- but she argues it’s actually a deeply wired strategy: we cling to facts because we were never allowed to be right as people. You can win every argument on accuracy and still be considered “wrong,” simply because you’re female.
Another coping mechanism is the obsession with fairness . Women cling to fairness as a guiding principle because the world is fundamentally unfair to them. We keep believing fairness exists somewhere “we just have to search harder”.
Schaef’s critique of Freud and Erikson is sharp (and I absolutely LOVED it). Freud noticed “women envy men,” which is accurate, but his interpretation was painfully biased. He assumed women envied what he valued most. Erikson did the same: he correctly observed that women experience an inner space or emptiness, but then interpreted it through a male lens, deciding that this “emptiness” is meant to be filled by a penis or a baby. Schaef points out that women rarely describe this space in the pelvis, it’s almost always around the solar plexus (chest). His interpretation reveals his culture more than it does women.
She also describes how culture damages men by turning them into “marriage objects,” while women are turned into “sex objects.” Women believe attaching themselves to a man will absolve them from the original sin of being born female. Men, meanwhile, are trapped in a role they didn’t choose either.
Her discussion of the “God-mother” figure hit especially har, because it mirrors conservative Middle Eastern culture so eerily. The self-sacrificing mother who takes the smallest portion, buys nothing for herself, weaponises guilt, and becomes the ultimate martyr. Many daughters spend their whole lives trying -and frankly failing- to live up to this impossible image.
She then moves into sexual dynamics within the white system. When women refuse to sexualise every relationship, they’re labelled fragile, frigid, or afraid of sex. Men redefine “sexual liberation” into something that benefits them: women should now behave like sexually available men. No one asks women what *they* think liberation means.
Her breakdown of the “perfect marriage” (the American fairy tale that looks exactly like conservative Middle Eastern marriage roles). Publicly, the man is the parent and the woman is the child: weak, dependent, unable to cope. Privately, at home, everything flips: she runs the entire domain while he becomes the dependent one. It’s a mutually destructive performance, and neither partner is allowed to be whole.
Another part was about who “goes first” in conversations. Men are conditioned to believe someone must go down for someone else to go up. If the woman refuses, he panics, shrinks, resents her, and the entire interaction is poisoned. All because of a script he never questions.
Her section on “New Age men” made me laugh so hard lol because it’s still the exact same in 2025. Emotionally fluent, “sensitive,” spiritual men who talk about feelings, cry at movies, wear beads, and present themselves as enlightened, only for you to realise they’re just using emotional language as another path to women’s bodies. Wolves in mystical clothing.
One of the best quotes in the book:
“Equality cannot be externally assigned until it has been internally perceived.”
She also addresses the classic male question: “What do you women really want?”
Her answer, after years of trying:
If you ask the question, you will never understand the answer.
Because the point is not to understand, it’s to prove that women do not know what they want.
Mothers say “Go be educated and do better than me,” but underneath they mean: “Get married, have children, keep house, validate the life I lived by repeating it.” Daughters are meant to succeed and replicate. It’s an impossible paradox.
Overall, this book remains one of the clearest articulations of women’s lived reality within a system designed to define them from the outside. And its accuracy in 2025 says everything.
Everyone should read this (especially men). It’s a MUST.
This is the first time I have ever heard someone say aloud what I already know.
This book is essential reading for everyone, especially men. It’s old, and yet here we are in 2025 with every single concept still applying perfectly. That alone to me is both impressive and depressing. As Schaef says early on, the psychology of our culture aka the “white male system” forces us into a hierarchy built on domination and exploitation. Our entire theological and cultural framework still functions to preserve that system and limit actual human freedom and growth. Reading this with 2025 eyes simply confirms that nothing fundamental has changed…
What I loved about the book is how clearly it compares the “female system” with the “white system.” The female system is still emerging, and in many ways developed as a survival strategy in response to the failures of the dominant system. Schaef keeps emphasising that these are systems, not individual men or women. For example, the white system insists on sameness: “Let’s ignore differences, differences divide us, let’s focus on what we have in common.” That sounds nice on the surface, but what it really does is erase lived experiences: being Black in a white system, being a woman in a white system, etc, under the guise of unity. It’s a selective blindness masquerading as fairness.
One of the most fascinating parts was her breakdown of how religion, mathematics, and science have been shaped by white male thinking. So many “findings” we take as facts (at face value) are really interpretations filtered through cultural bias, and yet they’re used to reinforce the very system that produced them.
She also writes about inferiority. Men do struggle with inferiority and low self-esteem, but theirs comes from feeling unable to maintain constant superiority. They cannot imagine the depth of the inferiority women internalise simply for existing as female. No matter how competent or confident a woman is, that sense of “fundamental wrongness” penetrates every layer of her life.
She goes through coping mechanisms women develop to survive within the system. One is our almost unbelievable capacity to remember details. At first glance it looks like pettiness- women wanting to be right about events- but she argues it’s actually a deeply wired strategy: we cling to facts because we were never allowed to be right as people. You can win every argument on accuracy and still be considered “wrong,” simply because you’re female.
Another coping mechanism is the obsession with fairness . Women cling to fairness as a guiding principle because the world is fundamentally unfair to them. We keep believing fairness exists somewhere “we just have to search harder”.
Schaef’s critique of Freud and Erikson is sharp (and I absolutely LOVED it). Freud noticed “women envy men,” which is accurate, but his interpretation was painfully biased. He assumed women envied what he valued most. Erikson did the same: he correctly observed that women experience an inner space or emptiness, but then interpreted it through a male lens, deciding that this “emptiness” is meant to be filled by a penis or a baby. Schaef points out that women rarely describe this space in the pelvis, it’s almost always around the solar plexus (chest). His interpretation reveals his culture more than it does women.
She also describes how culture damages men by turning them into “marriage objects,” while women are turned into “sex objects.” Women believe attaching themselves to a man will absolve them from the original sin of being born female. Men, meanwhile, are trapped in a role they didn’t choose either.
Her discussion of the “God-mother” figure hit especially har, because it mirrors conservative Middle Eastern culture so eerily. The self-sacrificing mother who takes the smallest portion, buys nothing for herself, weaponises guilt, and becomes the ultimate martyr. Many daughters spend their whole lives trying -and frankly failing- to live up to this impossible image.
She then moves into sexual dynamics within the white system. When women refuse to sexualise every relationship, they’re labelled fragile, frigid, or afraid of sex. Men redefine “sexual liberation” into something that benefits them: women should now behave like sexually available men. No one asks women what *they* think liberation means.
Her breakdown of the “perfect marriage” (the American fairy tale that looks exactly like conservative Middle Eastern marriage roles). Publicly, the man is the parent and the woman is the child: weak, dependent, unable to cope. Privately, at home, everything flips: she runs the entire domain while he becomes the dependent one. It’s a mutually destructive performance, and neither partner is allowed to be whole.
Another part was about who “goes first” in conversations. Men are conditioned to believe someone must go down for someone else to go up. If the woman refuses, he panics, shrinks, resents her, and the entire interaction is poisoned. All because of a script he never questions.
Her section on “New Age men” made me laugh so hard lol because it’s still the exact same in 2025. Emotionally fluent, “sensitive,” spiritual men who talk about feelings, cry at movies, wear beads, and present themselves as enlightened, only for you to realise they’re just using emotional language as another path to women’s bodies. Wolves in mystical clothing.
One of the best quotes in the book:
“Equality cannot be externally assigned until it has been internally perceived.”
She also addresses the classic male question: “What do you women really want?”
Her answer, after years of trying:
If you ask the question, you will never understand the answer.
Because the point is not to understand, it’s to prove that women do not know what they want.
Mothers say “Go be educated and do better than me,” but underneath they mean: “Get married, have children, keep house, validate the life I lived by repeating it.” Daughters are meant to succeed and replicate. It’s an impossible paradox.
Overall, this book remains one of the clearest articulations of women’s lived reality within a system designed to define them from the outside. And its accuracy in 2025 says everything.
Everyone should read this (especially men). It’s a MUST.
July 29, 2025
Certainly an interesting and eye-opening take on patriarchy, sexism, and the place of women and other minorities amongst the WMS and the culture at large. I generally agree with Schaef's thesis that the WMS is harmful to all involved through the prioritization of whiteness, power, material gain, rigidity, and domination, and that the FS can be advantageous with its prioritization of compassion, dynamic growth, and multi variant existence.
I would even argue that many of the same struggles for equity described in this book are applicable to our culture today, and that the deconstruction of WMS practices and content could still be beneficial.
With that being said, I was not entirely satisfied with her argument, although I know she's produced an extensive body of work since this book and I'm sure her stances have changed. I didn't appreciate some sweeping assumptions she made about how women view employment, relationships, and the world at large. I also didn't appreciate her mass generalizations of major ethnic groups such as Black folks, Native Americans/Indigenous people , or Latinx folks. She treated each of those as one monolith that had their own system, which I think entirely missed lots of nuance. Finally, I wish there had been more LGBTQ+ representation and consideration.
I still think this is an important piece of feminist literature to incorporate into discussions of misogyny and male power systems, but I certainly consider it imperfect.
I would even argue that many of the same struggles for equity described in this book are applicable to our culture today, and that the deconstruction of WMS practices and content could still be beneficial.
With that being said, I was not entirely satisfied with her argument, although I know she's produced an extensive body of work since this book and I'm sure her stances have changed. I didn't appreciate some sweeping assumptions she made about how women view employment, relationships, and the world at large. I also didn't appreciate her mass generalizations of major ethnic groups such as Black folks, Native Americans/Indigenous people , or Latinx folks. She treated each of those as one monolith that had their own system, which I think entirely missed lots of nuance. Finally, I wish there had been more LGBTQ+ representation and consideration.
I still think this is an important piece of feminist literature to incorporate into discussions of misogyny and male power systems, but I certainly consider it imperfect.
March 31, 2021
Women's Reality is such an important and highly prevalent book for all to read. It opened my mind and helped me to see more clearly how we as a society have seen ourselves. It dives into the roles we all play, the psychology of our roles, and how we can downplay our worth, or up play our worth, based on gender. It was an interesting ad engaging read written by a highly thoughtful and we'll respected woman who did her research, the late Anne Wilson Schaef, Ph.D.
December 19, 2019
This book was totally interesting and has so much I defintly need to read it again. I feel like I have learned alot.
March 7, 2021
Post Trump world this makes it a very important piece of text
March 30, 2024
Also refreshing reads defining reality.
Read
July 18, 2025When I opened this book I thought she was crazy radical and then I really liked it and related to it. If I could prescreen my community with this book I would!
August 1, 2012
a friend recommended this to me, quoting its reference to 'levels of truth.' i think that was a convenient scapegoat for that particular friend. in any case, this captures the feel of the 70s for women.
Read
September 1, 2011Call Number: 150 SCH
Available.
Available.
June 22, 2014
I registered a book at BookCrossing.com!
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/12741531
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/12741531
Want to read
December 29, 2008bought Aug 15 2008
trade paper like new
c 1985
trade paper like new
c 1985
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews