I Didn’t Sign Up for This: A Couples Therapist Shares Real-Life Stories of Breaking Patterns and Finding Joy in Relationships . . . Including Her Own

by Dr. Tracy Dalgleish

“Partnerships are tricky, especially when you are parenting young kids. I Didn’t Sign Up for This offers an approach for how you can stay connected to your partner—and to yourself—as you navigate those early childhood years. Dr. Tracy weaves together real moments from couples therapy, honest stories from her own life, and direct teaching of coping skills so you can make meaningful change in your home.” — Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Good Inside “ I Didn’t Sign Up for This offers relatable stories of real-life couples. Whether you are newly in a relationship, married with children, or navigating a blended family, you’ll gain real tools to help you feel more connected with your partner.” — Eve Rodsky, author of the New York Times bestseller Fair Play What happens when your relationship no longer feels like the one you said “yes” to? Couples therapist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish has spent the last seventeen years dedicated to helping hundreds of couples in distress find hope and healing, sometimes by staying together and other times not. Breakdowns in communication, lack of intimacy, infidelity, overbearing in-laws and exes (to name a few)—she’s seen it all. Shortly after the birth of her first child, Dr. Tracy suddenly began to see herself in her clients’ narratives. Despite the overwhelming joy she felt as a new mother, she also found herself welling up with anger and resentment toward her partner as she began shouldering more than half the domestic load and childcare labor in their marriage. In time, she found herself uttering the very words she’d heard countless times in her office from her I didn’t sign up for this . Part memoir, part self-help, Dr. Tracy Dalgleish’s debut book provides a rare look inside real therapy sessions with four couples—and into her own marriage. With unflinching candor and heartfelt empathy, she digs to the root of the issues that fuel our day-to-day relationship conflicts and illuminates the common struggle of what it means to be the incredible difficulty of showing up wholly and authentically in our most intimate relationship with others and with ourselves.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Self Help, Marriage, Parenting, Mental Health

290 pages, Paperback

Published September 12, 2023

About the author

Dr. Tracy Dalgleish is a clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and sought-after relationship expert. She is the creator of Be Connected Digital, where she teaches people all over the world how to have healthy relationships.Her work has been featured in outlets like The New York Times, Forbes, and Time, and her research has appeared in peer-reviewed academic journals. Dr. Tracy’s upcoming book, You, Your Husband, and His Mother, will be released Fall 2025. She is the author of the book I Didn't Sign Up for This and the host of the top-100 parenting podcast Dear Dr. Tracy. The owner of the mental health clinic Integrated Wellness, she lives in Ottawa with her husband and two children.

Reviews

[David Petersen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I just found this book to be OK. I probably wouldn't have finished it if I wasn't listening to it. I think this book could have great value for the right person. I did find some insights on my triggers with my spouse but especially with my children. I didn't do any of the assignments. I did appreciate the honesty and transparency of the author/therapist. She really pulled the curtain back from her own life. I do feel that the overall approach of the book was more to the female side of relationships but that is probably my own machismo showing.

[Kelly Dries · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is not often that I have the “I cannot put this book down” feeling with a non-fiction read, but Dr. Tracy Dalgleish’s “I Didn’t Sign Up For This” had me unable to walk away from this book.

As a mother of two young kids navigating raising two babies with my best friend, who I love and also can get so mad at, I saw myself in many of her clients and her own stories. I loved that she told her own story and wove some of her challenges in relationships with those of her clients. I love that it achieved what she spoke about in the beginning: by telling these stories, she normalized that all relationships are hard. We each bring our past experiences and traumas to our future relationships. I felt less alone. I felt heard. I felt seen.

Because of the reflections and questions she posed at the end of each chapter, I was able to work though a few of my own childhood experiences that I didn’t even realize were still impacting my relationships today.

Thank you Dr. Dalgleish for the amazing read, for sharing your expertise and writing this book. I will be sure to read any future books you write.

Thank you NetGalley and the publisher for the advanced review copy. I plan to reread this one- it was that good!

[Michael Sasson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author’s own vulnerability, her engaging writing style and her command of multiple theories of couples-counseling-related theory was impressive and useful. One of my favorite and most helpful couples therapy reads. And did I say anything about fun… Fun!


221. As psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Sue Johnson explains it, we want to have an ARE conversation with our partner: Are you there for me? Will you respond to me with warmth and love? Will you be engaged with me, holding my vulnerability as sacred and trusting me with your own vulnerability? These conversations help build attachment security and closeness, especially in times of distress.
223 Deepening Your Attachment Security. Security between partners is built on two key components: accessibility (I believe that I can reach you in times of need) and responsiveness (I believe that you will show up with me in both good and hard moments).
251 To love and be loved is a risk we must be willing to take to live a meaningful life.
254 To my therapist […] You have taught me to accept the hole in my heart and to still live a life that is filled with meaning.
---
35 self-awareness exercise
50 1st couples therapy session
58 ritual of connection vs parenting stress
59 inner child + attachment dances need: self-responsibility
64 anhedonic behavior: precursor to depression
72 self-abandonment screen
73, 79 resentment  choices
76 storytelling vs being with emotion
84 Sue Johnson as author’s mentor!!!
96-7 EFT methods
99 attachment needs gendered
106. balance: empathy & accountability
124 what kids need
149, 156 family of origin patterns can stop with you
151 critical blamers & therapist liking one member of the couple more
169 awareness of patterns
191 being right or connected?
192. people pleasing
196 as if both people’s experience matters
208-10 blamer softening vulnerable bids for connection
215-6. how to create security in rx
221 Interdependence
229 over-functioning & resentment
241 sweet reconnection “TO DO” list
244 each of us with needs

[Miranda Perez · Rating 5 out of 5]

The way that I took notes over this book.. it was unmatched! I could see myself in some ways the way that could see some of my partner. It was just wow.

[Kita · Rating 4 out of 5]

I follow Dr. Alexandra Solomon on IG. She recently wrote a book (Love Everyday - which I am reading but you are supposed to read one section a day for a year so I won’t be reviewing it for a while!) and she was interviewed by Dr. Tracy, whose own book looked good, so I decided to read it. I enjoyed reading about the way she works with couples, the references to couples therapy researchers and the advice/questions to consider at the end of each chapter. I didn’t fully agree with her response to some situations (particularly to her own husband’s family of origin) and I found the way the book jumped back and forth from couple to couple a little confusing. But, I had never read a book by a couples therapist and found it very readable and interesting. I’ve already passed it along to a friend.

[Marjorie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the rare books that added to my knowledge and abilities as a therapist and also seems accessible for self-help!

[Katy Deo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Could not put this down! Such a good book and helpful insight on breaking generational patterns. Highly recommend.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have a relationship of any kind, in any state, in your life I’d recommend this read. Lots of great, relatable insights.
The 4cs is a favorite ❤️
Compassion
Curiosity
Connection
Collaboration

[January · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Didn't Sign Up for This: A Couples Therapist Shares Real-Life Stories of Breaking Patterns and Finding Joy in Relationships ... Including Her Own by Tracy Dalgleish (2023)
292-page Kindle Ebook not all numbered

Genre: Self-Help, Relationships, Marriage

Featuring: Praise, Introduction, Codependency, Attachment, Marital Conflict, Interdependence, Autonomy, Intimacy, Differentiation, Emotional Fusion, Stories + Strategies, Parts, Case Studies, Aware, Learning Your Negative Cycle, Websites - Links, States of (Dys)regulation and Learning to Regulate, Self-Regulation, Co-Regulation, Identifying Your Safety Behaviors and Adaptations, Mentalization, What’s Triggering You?, Attachment Injury - Infidelity, Conscious Uncoupling, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada; Healthy Individuation and Separation, Self-Abandonment, How Do You Abandon Yourself?, Financial Infidelity, Adaptive Coping Strategy, Maladaptive Coping, The Road to Resentment, Learning About Your Anger, Acknowledge, Triangulation, Trauma Bonds, Projection, Evocative Responding, Parentified Child, What Does Your Iceberg Hide?, Exploring Your Attachment Styles, Corrective Emotional Experience, What Type of Boundary Setter Are You?, Accessing Internalized Beliefs, Couples Therapy, Become a United Front, Cognitive Dissonance, Thought Patterns, Your Unmet Needs and Repeating Patterns, Internal Family Systems, What Is Within Your Control in Your Relationship?, Highly Sensitive Person - HSP, Which Role Do You Take in Your Relationship?, Healing Your Inner Child, Bids for Connection, Align, Subjugating, Martyrdom, Mantras to Help with Individuation and Self-Validation, Sharing Difficult Experiences from a Place of Vulnerability, RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture), Deepening Your Attachment Security, Learning How to Repair, Consciously Choosing Your Relationship, Conclusion - Moving Forward: The Four C’s, Glossary of Terms, References

Rating as a movie: PG-13 for adult content (discussion)

Songs for the soundtrack: Blink-182

Books and Authors mentioned: The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Dr. Becky Kennedy, Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow, and Thrive by Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD; Not Drinking Tonight: A Guide to Creating a Sober Life You Love by Amanda E. White, LPC; Not Your Mother’s Postpartum Book: Normalizing Post-Baby Mental Health Struggles, Navigating #Momlife, and Finding Strength Amid the Chaos by Chelsea Bodie & Caitlin Slavens, I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age by Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT; Dr. Dan Siegel, The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships; Brené Brown, Dr. Emily Nagoski, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terrence Real

My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🛋👩🏼‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻👩🏼‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏼👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

My thoughts: 🔖Page 27 of 275 CHAPTER 3 Ashley - This is pretty good so far and written in a way that's as smooth as fiction.
🔖91 CHAPTER 9 Emily and Matt - This book is great; the stories are meaningful, but it's the nuggets of wisdom in between that stand out.
🔖127 CHAPTER 13 Tracy - Definitely 5 stars! This is great, and I'm actually not mad when she ends sessions with a little foreshadowing and switches clients. It leaves me in suspense.
🔖190 PART THREE Align - This book is a bit frustrating. I don’t like secrets, and hearing her inner thoughts and watching her hold back is a huge part of it, but if the infidelity isn't outted, I'm going to be disappointed.

Overall I really enjoyed this book. I felt like some insights were missing, but a therapist isn't going home with you so it made sense. It was interesting to step into Tracy's world to see how she juggled counseling others through their relationship woes while struggling to fix her own. I thought following the cases from start to finish was brilliant as most doctors jump around with specific examples from patients.

Recommend to others: Yes. I think this is a great read whether you're looking for a good story or want to work on your relationships.

Memorable Quotes: We show up to our relationships with our early childhood experiences, previous relationship histories, beliefs, and perceptions, trusting that our new love will resolve them all. But when challenges arise, we end up repeating old patterns that developed in our first relationships. After all, these old patterns are familiar, and familiarity feels safe (even when it doesn’t feel good).

As humans, we look for a beginning, a middle, and an end when it comes to stories. However, as the stories in this section illustrate, change is not always so linear, and neither is therapy. The deeper we probe into the beliefs we hold and the patterns they’ve created in our relationships, the more we realize that our relationship problems started well before we mode a long-term commitment. Before anything can change in the relationship, we need insight into the struggles we are having within ourselves.

I don’t think that the change in our relationship was solely the result of having children. I believe the unhelpful communication patterns and unhealed wounds were already there. Parenting simply catapulted them into consciousness.

According to renowned couples therapist Dr. Sue Johnson, there are three types of cycles that couples get stuck in: (1) Find the Bad Guy (blame each other), (2) The Protest Polka (pursue-defend), and (3) Freeze and Flee (shut down).

Tonight, we clean up after dinner, put our son, Anderson, to bed (knowing that I will be up in a few hours to feed him), then sit in front of the television to watch our favorite show. Therapists call this parallel play, while the layman’s term for it is “being alone together.” Whatever you call it, it’s a poor substitute for real connection. As a relationship expert, I know this side-by-side silence doesn’t exactly achieve the intimacy I long for. But as an exhausted working mom, I’ll gladly take it over initiating something different.

We all get triggered sometimes. This is the autonomic nervous system’s way of protecting us from real or potential threat. We can get triggered by our thoughts or feelings (internal experience), how we perceive something from the world (external experience), or something that our partner does or doesn’t do (relational experience). Spend time observing yourself over the next week and write out when you move into different vagal states.

Considering your tendency to hyperactivate or deactivate, what are some ways you try to protect yourself from experiencing hard things (e.g., avoidance, playing the victim, making comparisons, people-pleasing, caregiving, self-criticism)?

We all have triggers that set off difficult emotions. You can’t eliminate these triggers, but you can learn to identify them, see when they are taking over, and respond to them differently. Being compassionate and curious when your partner is triggered can be a healing experience.

Never in the history of relationships has it worked well to tell your partner that they’re making too big a deal out of something. (It does, however, offer an entry point into my new clients’ conflict.) Instead of being curious about the other person’s emotional experience, they assume it’s a reflection of themselves. “Why can’t you trust me?” and “You were mad at me” are common things that people say when they experience emotional fusion. Despite how close their relationship is, they have lost the ability to build understanding and connection.

In a way, she was duped, though I doubt it was Peter’s intention. Unhealed wounds from childhood don’t necessarily show up in the honeymoon stage. Instead, they are more likely to emerge once we grow more settled into a relationship, catching us by surprise. Karine and Peter are playing out old parts of themselves in their relationship. It’s also common in blended families for co-parents to revert to their old relationship cycle when things get stressful. After all, these are the patterns that drove apart their first relationships.

Being in a relationship means navigating the tension that comes with being a separate self and an intimate partner. When our fear of being alone or abandoned outweighs our fear of losing ourselves, we find any way possible to merge with our lover, even if those actions don’t really work for the greater good of the self and the relationship. One common dysfunctional pattern that can emerge from this is the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic. In this dance, the overfunctioning partner tends to take more control over planning, provides caring (sometimes too much), and tries to fix things for others. Meanwhile, the underfunctioning partner relies more and more on their partner to make plans and decisions on their behalf, doesn’t complete a fair share of household or childcare tasks, and procrastinates or frequently asks for help. While this dynamic works in the short term by letting each person remain in their comfort zone, in the long term, partners end up feeling disconnected and resentful.

“I hear you feel frustrated, Peter. Help me understand what you mean. Is it frustrated-sad? Frustrated-disappointed? Frustrated-alone?” This is a trick I learned to help my clients uncover more about their emotional experience. It’s not that Peter doesn’t have other emotions; it’s that he doesn’t allow himself to explore other aspects of his interiority.

Practice placing a hand over your heart and saying to yourself, We all get triggered. We all have difficult experiences. This is what makes us human. I am learning to be compassionate to this part of me that gets triggered. I am learning to be kind to me.

You must accept that your partner will perceive the same events differently than you do. These differences stem from early childhood experiences that lead you (and your partner) to have certain assumptions and interpretations about yourself and others. The ability to understand that your partner has an entirely different experience than you is an important part of building differentiation.

No one knows that motherhood has made me feel like a discarded toy, placed in a dark cupboard and just waiting for someone to play with me again. When I show up to family events, family members either pay attention to my son or critique my parenting choices. Strangers stop me to ask, “Is he a good boy? Does he sleep for you?” Even my massage therapist didn’t see me as a patient needing support. Instead, as she dug her thumbs into my shoulder blades, she asked me what key ingredients I believe a couple need to make a healthy relationship. (I provided a vague response, instantly regretting that I told her my profession but not about to abandon a good massage.)

“Did something stressful happen?” I ask, leaning back on the park bench. I attempt to nudge Greg to bring up things that he doesn’t think to share with me. Some people can give a play-by-play of their days with every minor detail of what they did and thought. Others, like Greg, give the minimum. After all, responding to this question requires going inward, recalling short-term memories, identifying thoughts and feelings from the day, putting them into words, and speaking them out loud—and that’s without knowing whether they’ll even be met by someone who is open to receiving the information. While all this comes easily to an external verbal processor like me, a more withdrawn individual hesitates: Last time I opened up to you, were you receptive? Curious? Understanding? Because if you weren’t, if I felt a hint of judgment or rejection, then I might not want to share right now. Here’s my pro tip for avoiding this particular pothole: Find really specific questions to ask your loved one, such as “Tell me more about that,” and become a really good listener.

But at last, the moment I’d dreamed about came. I slowly lowered Anderson into the warmth of his shallow bath, ran the washcloth over his wrinkly skin, and gazed into his big blue eyes as he gazed back into mine. The pain in my abdomen grew quiet with the rush of joy that came over me, and my heart warmed with confidence that we could be a good team together. He started to cry, letting me know he was done. Keeping one hand on his belly, I reached with the other for a towel. It wasn’t there. Suddenly, in one quick swoop, my mother-in-law wrapped my son into her arms, snuggling him into her chest and whispering into his ear. She’d had the towel the whole time. My heart pounded loudly in my ears. My stomach churned. I felt robbed—the ending of the first bath felt literally stolen from my arms. Searching for words but coming up empty, I glanced over at my husband and begged him with my dropped jaw and wide eyes to step in, to ask his mother to pass our son back to me. Instead, Greg stood across the dining room with a deer-in-the-headlights look. My eyes started to fill up. As my mother-in-law continued to coo in my son’s ear, I made my way to the bathroom. Tears overflowed from my eyes as the word abandoned kept repeating in my head.

But knowing where the feeling comes from doesn’t stop it from appearing anytime we are fighting about the dirty dishes, the mismatched socks, or the demands of extended family during the holidays. The fights may get resolved, but they leave me questioning how long I will feel invisible in my marriage. When will my husband start putting in the same effort as me? How can I release this anger once and for all? Why can’t I seem to use my training as a couples therapist to improve my own marriage?

Beneath the disagreements, there is an inner child with deep wounds. These unhealed childhood wounds replay in our relationships today. Instead of being able to differentiate from our partner, we become fused together, trying to get the other to give what we truly wish for. But this inevitably backfires. As one person tries to get closer, the other moves further away, creating a never-ending cycle of abandonment and rejection. To get what you want from your partner, you must first become responsible for your internal experiences.

Sometimes in a relationship we give up our power intentionally; other times, it is taken over by the other person. These clearly delineated roles—leader and follower, manager and assistant—can be beneficial to a degree, simplifying the process of making big decisions (e.g., when to move, navigating finances, parenting approaches) and even little decisions (e.g., what to do for dinner). The problem is when these roles get so familiar that their expressions become extreme, one partner becomes aggressive (“I’m going to hold all the power”) and the other becomes passive (“I’m going to give up my autonomy”). Power dynamics taken to the extreme are simply unsustainable in a healthy relationship. The person with no power will eventually try to find some way to feel and express their autonomy—it’s a basic human need. The attempt to control another person disconnects you from finding the we in your partnership just as much as people-pleasing does. Both approaches lack the differentiation necessary for an authentic, healthy bond between two people.

As described by relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman, these communication styles are known as the “Four Horsemen” because they often lead to the destruction of a relationship: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. The existence of any of these patterns is a major red flag for the health of a relationship. According to their research, couples who use these negative ways of communicating are at greater risk of separation and the dissolution of their relationship.

We start our relationships making our partner feel like they are the sun to our Earth, and the safety we feel with them fosters a sense of comfortable familiarity. But this comfort can be precisely what changes passionate lovers into indifferent roommates living parallel lives. One thing I know to be true is that if we don’t continue to make choices toward our relationship—spending intentional time together, sharing, getting curious, playing—it will wilt like an unattended houseplant.

Affairs aren’t meaningless. According to psychotherapist Terrence Real, people engage in affairs for one of two reasons: They have a grandiose personality that leads them to believe they are entitled to the affair, or they are seeking something that is missing in their relationship. People who choose an extramarital partner are often searching for something they don’t have in their current relationship: appreciation, power, feeling desired, being treated like they are special. When we find ourselves drawn into a romantic dynamic with someone outside our current relationship, it’s important to examine what the attraction promises to give us. This can offer us an opportunity to see what is missing in our relationship so we can communicate our needs to our partner, an imperative for restoring connection and achieving the intimacy we desire.

Resentment is a toxic emotion that will erode the health of a relationship. It often reveals feelings and unmet needs that are not being shored. When you feel resentment rising up inside you, you are faced with a decision: Will you open up and shore your feelings with your partner, or will you find other, less healthy ways to cope?

Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live), describes three parts to a task within the family unit: conceptualize, plan, and execute. She states that women are more at risk for developing resentment when they only offload the execution of a task. I see this often in my practice. One partner—usually the husband—will say, “Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it!” And then they don’t understand when their partner—usually the wife—is frustrated that she now needs to add telling him what to do to her list.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a free ARC of this book via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

This book contains some valuable advice and insight into recognizing the emotional state and needs of your partner. Doctor Tracy seems especially interested in how our attachment styles and childhood experiences shape our romantic relationships.

The structure alternates between the stories of different couples that she has counseled (I'm not sure if these were entirely made-up characters, or true-to-the-word stories with names changed; the dialogue, at least, sometimes feels too convenient/edited to be exactly what real people would've said--but I do think having them respond "correctly" helps model what couples are supposed to learn from the book).

I didn't love the structure, mostly because I had trouble keeping up with which couple was which as I moved through the book. Who was it that admitted a secret affair? Which one was the dad who didn't help with the baby? I personally would've preferred that each couple's story be told beginning-to-end in one chapter. However, I appreciate what she was trying to do differently here, showing the struggling relationships at the start and the positive resolutions at the end. Had I been reading a paperback copy, rather than on my phone, it might've been easier to flip back to earlier chapters and remind myself of each couple's deal before delving into their next section. Taking notes would help, as well, but I'm not always in the right environment for note-taking when I'm reading.

Dr. Tracy includes a lot of her own thoughts and relationship struggles throughout the book, even in the chapters that are not specifically about her. It almost reads like a memoir, at times. While I do think this serves the purpose of making her look human and relatable to those with imperfect relationships, I also found myself getting frustrated with her. She would have arguments with her husband that, from my perspective, were mostly her fault (which she does acknowledge by the end). This was distracting to me, as she was communicating in ways that I already knew were harmful to her relationship, and it made me trust her insight less. That said, if I was someone who had the same struggles as her, maybe it would be helpful to relate to her. I just didn't relate.

She's very good about figuring out why her clients act or feel a certain way, but I found the book to be a little bit lacking in practical advice. I think this is due to the structure, as well, though. The last few chapters were where we get all of the solutions/happy couples, and by that point I was desperate for anything I could actually use. The end-of-chapter gray boxes came the closest to ongoing practical advice, but even these seemed to be more about understanding the source of your emotions than actually changing your reactions to your triggers. The understanding is an important step, but I guess I'm just past that--I need the step that tells me "here's what you tell yourself, or here's how to journal, etc. to keep you from spiraling into negativity about your relationship." Some readers might catch more of that advice than I did, though.

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was easy to read which I appreciated since relationships, especially marriage, are very dense topics. I gleaned a few nuggets from the book and I always appreciate the reminder to intentionally focus and lean in to my own relationship. However, I had a hard time with the constant messaging that we are all messed up because of our childhood and that impacts our relationships. I agree that there is a clear connection between the two but also there is so much more history in us besides how our parents raised us. I also just believe that we as humans are different, not just because of how we were raised but also because of natural genetic dispositions and I don’t feel like the book acknowledged that at all. Again, the book was fine and I overall enjoyed it but not sure I would really recommend to anyone else.

Oh, and I am totally on board with Dr. Tracy sharing her own marital struggles as no one is immune. However, it felt like there was an excessive amount of time spent on the problem and very little time spent on the actual hard work that has to be put in to fix these issues.

[Raven R · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 The information here is not new, but it's a really good base of knowledge to start with. The case studies were enjoyable examples. I liked that the author included own relationship, but the lack of practice what you preach, while humble, got to be somewhat frustrating.

[Markie · Rating 4 out of 5]

"I Didn't Sign Up for This" is a compelling and insightful book written by couples therapist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish. Blending personal memoir with self-help advice, Dalgleish shares her own experiences as a new mother and the challenges she faced in her own relationship, while also providing a glimpse into the therapy sessions of four couples.

The book delves into the common issues that plague relationships, such as breakdowns in communication, lack of intimacy, infidelity, and the impact of external factors like in-laws and exes. Through her years of experience, Dalgleish expertly dissects these challenges, offering valuable insights and practical strategies to navigate them.

One of the book's strengths lies in its honesty and vulnerability. Dalgleish bravely shares her own struggles, allowing readers to connect with her on a personal level. By intertwining her personal narrative with the stories of her clients, she creates a relatable and authentic portrayal of the complexities of relationships. Readers will find solace in knowing that even a couples therapist faces similar trials and tribulations.

Throughout the book, Dalgleish emphasizes the importance of showing up wholly and authentically in our relationships, both with others and ourselves. She encourages readers to examine their own beliefs, expectations, and communication patterns, urging them to take responsibility for their role in relationship dynamics. Her empathy shines through as she offers practical guidance to foster understanding and connection in even the most challenging circumstances.

"I Didn't Sign Up for This" not only provides valuable insights into the intricacies of relationships but also serves as a guide for personal growth. Dalgleish's compassionate approach and wealth of knowledge make this book a valuable resource for anyone seeking to navigate the ups and downs of their relationships. Whether you're a couple struggling with challenges or an individual looking to better understand yourself within a relationship, this book offers wisdom and guidance to help you navigate the complexities of love and partnership.

Overall, "I Didn't Sign Up for This" is a thought-provoking and compassionate exploration of the human experience in relationships. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish's expertise and personal narrative make this book an engaging and enlightening read, leaving readers with a deeper understanding of the challenges and rewards that come with building and maintaining meaningful connections.

[Steph Warren · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this memoir/self-help book, therapist Dr Tracy Dalgliesh offers insights from her experiences as a couples counsellor, using a small number of case studies (including her own marriage) to illustrate some of the common issues that crop up in long-term relationships.

Personally, I found something familiar in nearly all of the examples discussed, including the sections relating to the author’s own relationship challenges, but then that’s probably unsurprising as I have been married for nearly thirteen years now and the issues explored are definitely common stumbling blocks, even if to a lesser extent than for the couples exemplified here. I highlighted large chunks of the book to share and discuss with my husband and to re-read for my own improvement!

While none of the issues discussed or the tips and solutions presented were new to me – I regularly read relationship books as I am a fan of both continuous development and reading generally! – something in the book certainly resonated with me and had an immediate positive, practical effect on me and my own relationship. I found I could stand back from my usual self-righteous positions of accusation, blame and judgement and look instead to my own behaviour and how I could bring a better self to my marriage by working on my own issues and taking more accountability for my part in any conflicts that arose. Not only did marital communication and harmony improve, but the drive for self-improvement stuck and encouraged me to re-spark some joy in my life (e.g. picking up my long-silent guitar), which I found then spread to the rest of my household naturally.

Plus, the anecdotes were interesting and alternating between the different couples for each chapter kept me eagerly reading to find out what would develop between them: would the over-spending continue, or the dismissive attitude towards a partner’s feelings? Would they stay together and keep trying, or decide to move on separately? Can a relationship still be saved once crisis point is reached for one or both partners? Obviously you will have to read the book yourself to find out – I’m not going to spoil it for you, especially as there is so much good advice to uncover between the stories.

I have always been a proponent of individual and couples counselling, even for those who aren’t facing large life problems, and now I will be recommending this book to everyone too!

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Consisting of both professional advice and personal experiences, "I Didn't Sign Up for This" by Tracy Dalgleish is a masterclass in understanding the common pitfalls and miscommunications between couples in their marriage. As someone who is currently struggling in my marriage and attending therapy, this book helped me realize exactly what my partner may be going through. Delivered in a non-partisan, professional matter Dalgleish is able to provide valuable information without blaming either partner. She does a fabulous job in explaining the reasonings and purpose behind seemingly toxic and/or frustrating behaviors in relationships.

Each chapter finishes with prompts to create an interactive, self-help experience. I especially appreciated the section on setting boundaries in relationships and the differences between rigid, healthy, and porous boundaries. As a "recovering people pleaser", boundaries have been hard for me to establish and the work suggested at the end of this section is helping tremendously.

Paired with examples and experiences from her own marriage, the author also explains that even couples therapists can have marital difficulty. I resonated with her acknowledgment for her need of control and order and how that also affected her personal life. Speaking to "imposter syndrome" and how struggling with something personally when your literal job is to help people with the same issues is cathartic and reassuring, especially in the career I am in.

Overall, I recommend this book to any married couple, regardless of the current status of their marriage. I feel that if I were able to better understand what my partner is feeling as well as being able to communicate my own feelings, we would have been in a much better place from the beginning. Easy to read and digest, "I Didn't Sign Up for This" validates the stumbles and imperfect beauty of committing to another adult and I will revisit this work regularly.

*Thank you to the author and PESI Publishing, Inc. for an advance reader's copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and sentiments are my own.*

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Didn’t Sign Up for This is part memoir, part self-help book written by a Canadian family therapist. “Dr. Tracy” created four struggling couples based on her real-life clients and common relationship difficulties that she sees in her practice. She also chronicles her own struggles as she juggles caring for a toddler while working full-time, and her desire to evenly share the household chores with her husband.

Each chapter shares an appointment with the couple and part of their backstory. Dr. Tracy explains to the reader what patterns each individual is following and then teaches us how to break that script. She tells the reader what she wants to say to the patient and then what she actually says, because she often has to be gentle and lead the client to a conclusion. She provides brief summaries of researchers’ work and references to their books, which is helpful if a reader is interested in a particular topic. The end of each chapter includes a short discussion guide and exercises.

Dr. Tracy was sometimes surprised when she discovered that an unhappy patient had a secret way of dealing with their resentment towards their partner, such as infidelity or a secret credit card. I wanted to tell the overwhelmed mothers to hire a cleaning service and get take-out for dinner. There are many good lessons in this easy-to-read book. I found I Didn’t Sign Up for This to be very informative and useful, although I recommend reading it on a tablet or getting a paper copy.

I received an advance review copy (ARC) from NetGalley and PESI Publishing for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Jennifer Blair · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow!!! I REALLY LOVE THIS BOOK! The author, Tracy, is so good at helping to discover the inner problems of a relationship and realizing EXACTLY what the REAL issues are! I SO relate to all of the stories that she portrays and wish I had this book many years ago. I’m on my 4th marriage and can see why I had difficulties in each of my relationships.
I am impressed by the fact that she uses her own relationship to demonstrate certain aspects of the psychological side of our relationships. I have the same problem as Greg does and it’s interesting that even though male and females have different agendas, we are all humans with similar characteristics. She gets “real” with us about her reactions to her husband that I found VERY refreshing!

I want to thank you for allowing me to read this book in advance. I feel VERY blessed to have this opportunity to work on the AWARE sections of your book. This is the first book that has ever helped me understand what I’m doing to MY relationships and the questions are bringing to light how I’M part of the problem, and the solution.

Ashley’s mom was just like mine and I could SO relate with her struggles. My father was there only physically but never emotionally, just like hers and my parents were divorced when I was 5 also.

Tracy indicates different doctors that influence the verbiage she introduces and examples of how it fits in with our lives. This book will benefit those with or without spouses. Anyone with a person with a relational relationship, this book is definitely designed to help.

[Kat · Rating 5 out of 5]

In "I Didn't Sign Up for This," Dr. Tracy Dalgleish takes readers on a captivating journey through the intricacies of relationships, blending her personal experiences and professional expertise to create an insightful and relatable read. With her unique blend of memoir and self-help, Dalgleish offers a rare glimpse into real therapy sessions and her own marriage, providing invaluable wisdom and guidance along the way.

As an acclaimed couples therapist, Dalgleish has spent years guiding couples through the complexities of their relationships. However, after becoming a mother and experiencing the shifts and challenges that come with parenthood, she finds herself echoing the very words she has heard from countless clients: "I didn't sign up for this." This realization propels her to delve deeper into the intricacies of human connection, unraveling the root causes of daily relationship conflicts and shedding light on the universal struggle for authenticity and fulfillment.

What sets this book apart is Dalgleish's unflinching honesty and heartfelt empathy. She fearlessly shares her own experiences, allowing readers to connect with her on a deeply personal level. By weaving her story alongside those of four diverse couples, Dalgleish offers a profound understanding of the complexities that can arise in relationships. It is through this combination of personal anecdotes and therapeutic insights that she provides practical tools and strategies for navigating challenges and fostering healthier connections.

[Sarah Olson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wasn't sure what I was expecting to get out of this book when I started it. I wasn't sure if this was a book more for therapists to read to help them for therapy for for those who are thinking of going through therapy or just anyone who is in a relationship in general. After reading this I think its a perfect book for anyone. I personally decided to read it because this year my goal is to better myself and strengthen my marriage. Not saying my husband and I need couples therapy but as someone who goes to individual therapy and thinks that it helps so much even during times that I am not struggling, that maybe every couple should attend couples therapy at some time. I enjoyed this book. I saw things in myself throughout and saw things in my husband throughout. Good things and bad things. Things we can both work on and things that we already do and I was proud that we do them and thought "Hey, we are already working on us and don't even realize it!" After i was most of the way through the book I decided I will eventually be buying this book and reading again and hopefully working through some of the assignments with my husband. I don't think I have ever read a self help book and thought hey I need a highlighter, a notebook, and a partner! I am just your average gal so therapists may read this and not agree or other people may not see the same but to a simple adult in a relationship I enjoyed the book and got some good insight I will and can use in the future.

[Karin H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a huge fan of books that delve into others' therapy experiences, as they offer unique insights that often remain hidden in everyday conversations. In a world where external pressures like work demands, financial stress, and global uncertainties seem to dominate, the value of strong and nurturing relationships cannot be overstated. In her book, Dalgleish beautifully highlights this importance through her unique perspective as both a therapist and a new mother. It takes a lot of vulnerability to discuss such matters, and that's what makes these books so special. Moreover, when therapists share their personal growth journeys through therapy, it adds an extra layer of depth and authenticity.

This book, in particular, excelled in providing diverse perspectives and situations, making it an enriching read for everyone. Even though I don't have children, I found the insights into how coparenting can impact a marriage or partnership quite fascinating. Through her personal experiences and insights, Dalgleish offers readers a heartfelt and relatable exploration of the intricacies of relationships and the power of understanding and communication. Her story serves as a poignant reminder of the need to nurture and strengthen our bonds with our loved ones amidst the myriad of challenges life throws our way. #IDidntSignUpForThis #NetGalley

[Maia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I rarely write reviews. I’m a therapist and would recommend this book to heterosexual clients for a better understanding of differentiation and healthy interdependence. Queer relationships may fall within the scope of this book but sadly no queer couples were included within. That said, when you are writing a book that involves the stories of so many (heterosexual) women, I think it’s important for some discussion of sexism and oppressive power dynamics and how that may contribute to feelings of anger and resentment in relationship. Anger can be an incredibly constructive emotion in asserting boundaries and promoting change, but its treatment here is mostly as a roadblock to civil dialogue for women and strangely not for the men included in these vignettes. I am a little hesitant to recommend this book to cishet women, because while it may have worthwhile tools for changing their part of a dynamic, in my experience, many women enter the therapy space with a lot of relational tools already and asking them to do more emotional labor is just reinforcing many of the oppressive dynamics driving couples into counseling in the first place. This book is such a great primer (4 or 5 star) for changing enmeshed relationships, but unfortunately its avoidance of sexuality and gender politics makes it a 2 star for me.

[Kimberly Barnes · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, a seasoned, experienced couples therapist provides a story that consists of 50% memoir, and 50% self-help as she present stories from her work with couples as well as, vignettes from her own life, as a working mother and wife. Marriage is hard work, and sometimes, assistance must be obtained from mental health professionals. The following themes and issues are presented in this book: unequal division of labor in the home, coparenting, infidelity, and more. Key insights into the process of couples therapy can be gleaned from this book. Although, it is not a “self- help” book and is not presented as such, there are tidbits peppered throughout the book that can provide helpful tips for married couples struggling with similar issues. Dr. Dalgleish normalizes that relationships are hard work, which is an important point for all couples. This book was an insightful read for all individuals involved in a relationship or marriage. I would have enjoyed more examples individuals in therapy. I also think that another chapter could be added with Dr. Dalgleish’s key points on how to improve relationships. It was an interesting read and gave insight into the process of couples therapy. It demystifies what occurs during the therapy process. Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for the advance review copy in exchange for my honest review.

[Tonya Hunter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Didn't Sign Up for This by Tracy Dalgleish, is a captivating book about couple's therapy. This is a book, I intend to purchase and re-read. Dr. Tracy does an excellent job of providing insightful examples and stories that are more than relatable. I found myself reading each chapter and learning something new.

This book blends self-help with a personal memoir. The fact that Dr. Tracy also includes her own examples and experiences, makes the book stand out among other similar books. I felt as though I was having a conversation with Dr. Tracy and perhaps even sitting on a couch during the therapy sessions of the various different couples. Being relatable and showing that even she doesn't have perfect relationships is very well played in this book. I would recommend this book to almost anyone as it has a number of learning opportunities throughout the book. Relationships are complicated and she boils it down to manageable bite-size points to take away after reading a chapter.

I found myself reading a chapter at a time and wanting to reflect on each chapter and what it taught me - about myself and about others.  


Thank you #NetGalley for the advanced copy of this book to read and provide an opinion on.

[Marinna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish really nailed this book. As a fellow therapist, I highly value books that are educational and applicable to the everyday person. I would consider this book as an invaluable client resource. I see clients individually and am frequently asked about book recommendations when it comes to couples counseling. This is now at the top of my list. Dr. Tracy not only provides real and relatable case studies, but also examines her own experiences in marriage and as a woman in the postpartum period. Her vulnerability is so wonderful. Also - therapists are regular people with problems too!

I appreciate Dr. Tracy's differentiation between clinical terms and some popular terms that have now become used in everyday vernacular (i.e. narcissist or gaslighting). She explains some of the concepts therapists use in easy to understand ways, while also giving readers a chance to explore their own experiences and selves at the end of each chapter. This book is enjoyable in so many ways. It is easy to understand, yet so rich in information. I would highly recommend this book to anyone in a relationship. Every reader will gain something from 'I Didn't Sign Up for This.'

Thank you to PESI Publishing and NetGalley for an ARC of this book! This book took me a bit longer to finish than usual, but it was because I made so many highlights of useful gems.

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review, so thank you to the author and publisher for the opportunity through NetGalley.
This book has changed my way of approaching problems in several of my relationships. I felt that I could relate to a number of the issues presented in the couples in the book, and seeing how Dr Tracy guided them to address their communication issues within their relationships has offered several tools to fill out my “life toolbox”.
I also really appreciated Dr Tracy’s vulnerability in including her own story as one of the case studies. The relationship issues presented in this book are common, but often ignored, leading to deeper issues. Dr Tracy breaks these issues down into manageable problems that can be addressed, either as a couple or individually. While many of the solutions seem rather simplified, the reader is repeatedly reminded that healing and progress is both time consuming and non-linear, which is helpful when trying to implement any of the approaches discussed.
Overall, I definitely would recommend this book to everyone, whether in a relationship or not, as many of the approaches can also be applied to friend or family relationships to create healthier interactions across the board.

[Paperwitches ♡ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm someone who just got into my first relationship this year, at 25, as an autistic woman and I'm still am learning to navigate it. This helped me feel recognized, and offer me ideal ways to deal with our own fights on my end. Things are harder for me to discern, my tone can be often unreadable, and I suffer a lot from miscommunication to what I feel due to heavy masking. This book addressed ALL of this, and more, even though it doesn't seem necessarily directed towards neurodivergent; it helped none the less. I also liked the added perspective of a therapists own issues and lack of immunities. It's brutally honest, and it took me so long to get through it due to anxiety but it was a GREAT read. The author is great at writing witty, relatable chapters and has the clinical experience to back her up. Whether you are experiencing your own relationship issues, or you are simply interested in the psychological aspect - you have enough of both aspects to enjoy.

Some of this book, to me, was hard to read only because it was so relatable. So I would like to warn that this book may be quite triggering to some. But it is well worth the read!

[Jewnifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was okay. The audiobook probably helped me finish it as I found myself trying to just finish the book vs enjoying it. I think I didn't like how it was narrated. I prefer the theory first and then maybe an example. The way the book is written is narrating each therapy session for different couples with the therapist thoughts and helpful comments, then the thoughts about her marriage and finally a commentary in the end.

There were some helpful concepts: about negative relationship patterns, different roles we tend to play (such as overfunctioner/underfunctioner or push/pull pattern), how we can bring past dysfunctional relationships habits (including the ones with our parents) into our current relationship, about trying to be empathetic to our parents, and how women are more at risk of only offload execution of the task which leads to burnout. The woman's partner might say: "just tell me what to do" vs taking the lead. The importance of communicating unmet needs and being vulnerable. Looking for ways to be curious about each other, not assuming and looking for ways to connect.

[Jesse · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s simple, accessible, and insightful. Dr. Dalgleish does a mix of patient stories, personal stories, and general therapeutic advice. Each chapter ends with questions and exercises to strengthen your relationship.

I enjoyed following the narrative of all of the various patients Dr. Dalgleish worked with. It helped illustrate the concepts she was talking about. I also liked where she chose to end our journey with each of them. Things were better but not perfect.

I appreciated the honesty of her admitting therapists are just people. They may have tools but that doesn’t make them better at using them than anyone else. Dalgleish showing her

It’s very readable, accessible prose. It’s not the deepest dive but is an excellent place to start. Dalgleish cites her sources so you get examples of other places to look. I do think a ‘recommended reading’ section might have been beneficial. I’m not sure if that will be in the finished copy but it wasn’t in mine.

Overall, it’s a great starting point for ‘marriage improvement’ reading material.

[Kelly McCauley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is written by a clinical psychologist who uses real-life case studies from her counseling practice to describe the roots of common marriage problems and how to address these problems. What's unique about this book is that between anecdotes about her patients, Dr. Tracy relates the topics to her own marriage. I appreciated her transparency, vulnerability, and willingness to expose that marriage counselors have problems following their own advice sometimes!


Dr. Tracy digs into the ways that each partner's upbringing impacts their marriage, and ways to address these differences. She gives real-life examples of how couples on the brink of divorce have opened up lines of trust and communication through therapy, resulting in long-lasting marriages demonstrating healthy interdependence. Whereas some marriage-related books can sound dated with very traditional gender roles, this book feels fresh and current with the marriage issues that Dr. Tracy explores. Highly recommend!

Thanks to Netgalley for providing me with a free ARC in exchange for my honest feedback!

[Belinda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Didn’t Sign Up for This is an approachable how-to guide to building stronger relationships. Told from the therapist’s perspective, the book follows several couples in therapy, including new parents, a blended family, and even Dr. Tracy’s experiences within her marriage, all of whom struggle with similar issues.

She encourages her patients to speak more openly, to be more vulnerable with their partners, and to accept their partner’s vulnerability. She focuses on addressing core emotions and recognizing past traumas like unmet needs in childhood that can inform our perception of our partner’s words and actions.

It is a perfect book for even happy couples to help open up discussions about needs and wants and to encourage the expression of gratitude for things our partners do well. Recommended for anyone looking to improve their communications at home.

Thank you to NetGalley, the author, and the publisher for an Advance Reader Copy.