What can I say about the comic genius of Monty Python? I can only offer my homage ….
(A rural road. A convertible sports car pulls up to a local man standing along the road.)
MAN. Excuse me old man –
LOCAL. I’m not old.
MAN. Sorry, from a distance –
LOCAL. I’m 42.
MAN. Yes –
LOCAL. My mother is eighty. By that standard, I’m barely middle aged.
MAN. Sorry, but as I pulled up –
LOCAL. My father died at age 32.
MAN. Yes, I’m sorry to hear that –
LOCAL. But it wasn’t natural. A sixteen-ton weight landed on him. It came out of nowhere.
MAN. I guess nobody expects a sixteen-ton weight –
LOCAL. He thought it’d be a sharp stick that done him in. But it warn’t. That goes to show, don’t it? Now my grandmother –
MAN. Look, nearly-middle-aged-non-old person, I assure you I don’t give a hedgehog’s tit about your grandmother. There’s only one person in your family whose death interests me at this time.
Now I’m late for an appointment at a pet shop in Bolton, but I’ve seem to have lost my way. Can you tell me the fastest way there?
LOCAL. Notlob?
MAN. Uh, Bolton, yes.
LOCAL. It’s very nice there this time of year.
MAN. Yes, yes, what’s the fastest route from here?
LOCAL. Well, there’s two ways – you can take the M61 through Blackrod, the A676, or the – there are three ways to Notlob. The M61 through Blackrod, the A676 or the A666.
MAN. Which is fastest?
LOCAL. Well, if you take the A666, you’ll find a very nice cheese shop there. It’s very clean. It’s uncontaminated, you could say.
MAN. I am not the least bit peckish for fermented curd. I’m in a hurry. What’s the fastest way?
LOCAL. Well, then you want to take the M61. Take this road about 20 kilometers, then take a left at the crossroad. Then you’ll get on the M61 and take that about 30 kilometers until you get to the Nile. Then take a right and follow it to Khartoum.
MAN. Are you – are you suggesting I go to Africa?
LOCAL. No, no, no – well, yes, yes. It’s very nice there this time of year.
MAN. (to camera) To get any information in this country, you have to talk until you’re blue in the face. (to the local) I don’t want to go to Africa, I want to go to Bolton.
LOCAL. Oh, you don’t want to go to Notlob. Oh no, it’s full of fires.
MAN. Bolton – it’s full of fires?
LOCAL. Oh yes, fires, and pitchforks and men with horned heads.
MAN. Horned heads?
LOCAL. Oh yes, and nasty sharp, filed teeth and forked tails running about – naked!
MAN. Are you by chance describing hell?
LOCAL. No, no, no – well, yes. I am describing hell.
MAN. I don’t give a damn about hell. Now I’m going to ask you this one more time: Can you tell me the way to Notlob – I mean Bolton?
LOCAL. I – I don’t know the way. I was just wasting your time.
MAN. Ah, I see. Can you do me one more favor?
LOCAL. Certainly.
MAN. Please lay down in front of my car.
LOCAL. Whatever you say, squire.
(Cut to humorous cartoon.)