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The Making of Them: The British Attitude to Children and the Boarding School System
At the dawn of the 21st century British society is still shaped by a private education system devised to gentrify the Victorian middle classes and produce gentlemen to run the Empire. Yet it is not on the political agenda. It is rarely the subject of public debate, and we remain blind to its psychological implications. Can we afford to go on ignoring this issue? Will we continue to sacrifice the welfare of our children to satisfy our antiquated social aspirations?
Why do the British still send their children away to boarding school? What are the attitudes underpinning this practice which mystifies foreigners? What does it mean for a child to be sent away from home and immediately have to survive in an unfamiliar custom-ridden world, without love, family life or privacy? Will it be ‘the making of him’, or will it be a trauma from which he may never recover?
In this thought-provoking book psychotherapist and ex-boarder Nick Duffell reveals the bewildering dilemmas confronting the boarding school child, and discovers a dark secret at the heart of the British psyche. Drawing on more than a decade of working with Boarding School Survivors, he describes the process towards living beyond ‘strategic survival’, and offers pointers towards a philosophy of education which honours the needs and the intelligence of the natural child.
Why do the British still send their children away to boarding school? What are the attitudes underpinning this practice which mystifies foreigners? What does it mean for a child to be sent away from home and immediately have to survive in an unfamiliar custom-ridden world, without love, family life or privacy? Will it be ‘the making of him’, or will it be a trauma from which he may never recover?
In this thought-provoking book psychotherapist and ex-boarder Nick Duffell reveals the bewildering dilemmas confronting the boarding school child, and discovers a dark secret at the heart of the British psyche. Drawing on more than a decade of working with Boarding School Survivors, he describes the process towards living beyond ‘strategic survival’, and offers pointers towards a philosophy of education which honours the needs and the intelligence of the natural child.
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First published April 1, 2000
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
September 15, 2010
I am torn when it comes to rating this book. I would like to rate it really highly because I believe in it as a source of reassurance for those who have been negatively affected by the British boarding school system. That said, I think it is not that well written and terribly edited - the continual typos made it irritating to read in places.
I am reading it as the wife of someone who suffers from crippling low self esteem and depression as a result of being sent to board from the age of five. Now in his late twenties it has come back to haunt him. I would dearly love for him to read this book, as I am guessing that it is more helpful for those who have been through it, than for those who are trying to find more out about it from an outsiders point of view. Knowing my husband as well as I do, not much in the book has come as a surprise, but occasionally there is a sentence which strikes such a chord in me and I am relieved that my husband is not the only one. I wish he would read it so that he too could learn that he is not the only one.
Really,I think I have learnt a lot more about my husband's school friends than about my husband. Suddenly I can see why X can't commit to love; why Y loathed school, but now denies it; and why Z has chosen working as a teacher in a boarding school despite hating growing up as a housemaster's son.
My only other criticism of the book is that it is so male-orientated. Written to cover all the sins of all boarding schools, it claims to be relevant to women too, but Nick Duffell refuses to refer to any child as anything other than male, claiming that it is for 'ease', and yet I cannot help thinking that this is a clear sign that somewhere deep down he struggles to relate to the female boarding school survivor. Whilst the book would definitely still benefit all readers who need it, I wouldn't be surprised if some women who had been affected by it found that the book did not fit them as well as it might a man. But please don't let this stop you from finding out more about this subject, this book, the group in which it belongs to and the support that is out there for those who have truly suffered.
I am reading it as the wife of someone who suffers from crippling low self esteem and depression as a result of being sent to board from the age of five. Now in his late twenties it has come back to haunt him. I would dearly love for him to read this book, as I am guessing that it is more helpful for those who have been through it, than for those who are trying to find more out about it from an outsiders point of view. Knowing my husband as well as I do, not much in the book has come as a surprise, but occasionally there is a sentence which strikes such a chord in me and I am relieved that my husband is not the only one. I wish he would read it so that he too could learn that he is not the only one.
Really,I think I have learnt a lot more about my husband's school friends than about my husband. Suddenly I can see why X can't commit to love; why Y loathed school, but now denies it; and why Z has chosen working as a teacher in a boarding school despite hating growing up as a housemaster's son.
My only other criticism of the book is that it is so male-orientated. Written to cover all the sins of all boarding schools, it claims to be relevant to women too, but Nick Duffell refuses to refer to any child as anything other than male, claiming that it is for 'ease', and yet I cannot help thinking that this is a clear sign that somewhere deep down he struggles to relate to the female boarding school survivor. Whilst the book would definitely still benefit all readers who need it, I wouldn't be surprised if some women who had been affected by it found that the book did not fit them as well as it might a man. But please don't let this stop you from finding out more about this subject, this book, the group in which it belongs to and the support that is out there for those who have truly suffered.
January 22, 2014
If you went to boarding school, are married or in a relationship with someone who went to boarding school or are thinking of sending your own children to boarding school, I would strongly recommend you read this book. I went to boarding school at 9 and I think it has affected everything I have done since. I only wish I had read this book earlier.
May 1, 2014
For reference, I also put this past a friend who's a physician (who went to a girls' boarding school) with qualifications and training in psychology.
Apart from the appalling (lack of) editing, what's wrong about this book is that the author has reached a conclusion and then presents lop-sided evidence in an attempt to prove it. Bear with me on this. Sure, myself and other people have been damaged by boarding school. However, I know people who've been equally as badly damaged at state schools. Furthermore, I have met far worse psychopaths who went to 'normal' state school. And you just have to look at the most notorious names from the British banking scandals of recent years: Fred the Shred and the Crystal Meth Minister were both state educated.
Of course boarding schools are bad for most children's development. Apparently some of them carry out aptitude tests now to assess whether students are suitable or not. However, I think part of the problem is alienation - you lose touch with your friends back home, so you don't have a good social life in the holidays.
So what I'm saying is that the author's made a poor argument. I found some of what he said risible - and I'm someone who really despises the boarding school system. My physician friend also found some of it laughable. This wouldn't stand up as a piece of empirical research.
On the plus side, the author's started a conversation. Freud was mostly wrong, but he did start a meaningful conversation. The author narrowly avoids two stars on this count. Be very, very careful about drawing any conclusions from this book. Be even more careful in seeking help off the back of it if you need it.
Apart from the appalling (lack of) editing, what's wrong about this book is that the author has reached a conclusion and then presents lop-sided evidence in an attempt to prove it. Bear with me on this. Sure, myself and other people have been damaged by boarding school. However, I know people who've been equally as badly damaged at state schools. Furthermore, I have met far worse psychopaths who went to 'normal' state school. And you just have to look at the most notorious names from the British banking scandals of recent years: Fred the Shred and the Crystal Meth Minister were both state educated.
Of course boarding schools are bad for most children's development. Apparently some of them carry out aptitude tests now to assess whether students are suitable or not. However, I think part of the problem is alienation - you lose touch with your friends back home, so you don't have a good social life in the holidays.
So what I'm saying is that the author's made a poor argument. I found some of what he said risible - and I'm someone who really despises the boarding school system. My physician friend also found some of it laughable. This wouldn't stand up as a piece of empirical research.
On the plus side, the author's started a conversation. Freud was mostly wrong, but he did start a meaningful conversation. The author narrowly avoids two stars on this count. Be very, very careful about drawing any conclusions from this book. Be even more careful in seeking help off the back of it if you need it.
October 28, 2014
I went to boarding school for 10 years from the ages of 8 to 18. I hated almost every minute of it, but came out of it a very well educated and articulate adult. Notwithstanding this I have always had a sence of "things" just not working. I have recently discovered this book and although my experiences do not mirror entirely those described in this book, there are huge parallels.
This book as an absolute must for any boarding school survivor trying to grapple with issues of relationships, fear of abandoment and a deep sense of disconnectedness.
This book as an absolute must for any boarding school survivor trying to grapple with issues of relationships, fear of abandoment and a deep sense of disconnectedness.
December 19, 2014
Anyone who went to boarding school in the UK - or anywhere else for that matter - might benefit from reading this book and get a better insight into their behaviour and how it has been influenced by being parted from their family at a young age. Very interesting.
There are one or two provisos though, as noted by other reviewers. One is that it is mostly male oriented, which I found a bit irritating at points, and the other for me is that the editing is appalling. I assume it was edited, but by someone who quite possibly can't spell.
There are one or two provisos though, as noted by other reviewers. One is that it is mostly male oriented, which I found a bit irritating at points, and the other for me is that the editing is appalling. I assume it was edited, but by someone who quite possibly can't spell.
December 9, 2015
This was my second attempt to finish this book and once again I've given up. It is just too laborious a read. By page 90 the book had made two points: that boarding schools exist to serve parents' aspirations of social status as much as they do education, and that they teach children to disconnect from their emotions and build outer "survival personalities". Both valid points, but it shouldn't take 90 pages to make them. The extensive use of fictional characters to make points about reality bugged me too.
August 26, 2023
Interesting, difficult to follow, but no real answers
As a boarding school survivor it was good to read this and confirm that I am not alone in my strangeness. It is a book of theories more than facts and metaphor rather than clarity. It does nor contain answers, only a suggestion of therapy.
I would force all parents considering sending their children to boarding school to read this or something like it.
As a boarding school survivor it was good to read this and confirm that I am not alone in my strangeness. It is a book of theories more than facts and metaphor rather than clarity. It does nor contain answers, only a suggestion of therapy.
I would force all parents considering sending their children to boarding school to read this or something like it.
March 7, 2020
A well crafted exploration of why British families have perpetuated the tradition of exiling their children from a young age. And a sensitive journey through the various psychological responses adopted by “Boarding School Survivors” based on Duffell’s experience of counselling them. Highly recommended.
December 23, 2020
This started out REALLY interesting and insightful and then became Freudian and mildly ridiculous, as Freudian psychology always sounds to me. At the sound of who is working out what oedipal phase with whom I'm always starting to giggle, but he completely LOST ME with chapter 15 and his very entertaining (Freudian!) views on gender.
It does put a lot of other books in perspective that I'd read, autobiographies and not, which featured people being sent off to school. I could never imagine it and would have hated going to boarding school in primary school or even later, so it did not come as a surprise to me that that is harmful.
The way people who do get separated from their family at a young age are damaged is shocking, but ultimately not surprising if you consider what would be appropriate to our species. Our young are dependent on a family group for a very long time, so it is no surprise that until people have started being interested in living more indepedently at puberty, it is damaging to take children away from their caregivers and results in lasting harm (it's a bit surprising that more sympthoms of hospitalism do not show up).
It does put a lot of other books in perspective that I'd read, autobiographies and not, which featured people being sent off to school. I could never imagine it and would have hated going to boarding school in primary school or even later, so it did not come as a surprise to me that that is harmful.
The way people who do get separated from their family at a young age are damaged is shocking, but ultimately not surprising if you consider what would be appropriate to our species. Our young are dependent on a family group for a very long time, so it is no surprise that until people have started being interested in living more indepedently at puberty, it is damaging to take children away from their caregivers and results in lasting harm (it's a bit surprising that more sympthoms of hospitalism do not show up).
August 8, 2016
As someone who suffered the English boarding school system from a very young age, I found this book to be a life changer.
It is the must-read for anyone who has been through the system which, in my view, is little more than institutionalised child abuse, condoned by parents who are either uncaring or misguided, or both.
It is the must-read for anyone who has been through the system which, in my view, is little more than institutionalised child abuse, condoned by parents who are either uncaring or misguided, or both.
December 17, 2016
This book is vital to understanding the worst, most psychologically damaging aspects of English upperclass culture and it's desctructive echoes around the world, especially in places like Australia and the US. The world would be a far better place if this book was read and acted upon more widely. I can't recommend it highly enough.
February 1, 2022
Even more relevant with current government
When this excellent analysis of the public school system came out, the author could not have imagined that such caricatures of boarding school survivors would end up running and scandalising the country. Reading this helps to understand why Britain has gone so badly wrong.
When this excellent analysis of the public school system came out, the author could not have imagined that such caricatures of boarding school survivors would end up running and scandalising the country. Reading this helps to understand why Britain has gone so badly wrong.
June 15, 2012
Wow. I can't even write a review just now, this book is a revelation and left me for the moment quite speechless.
Read
July 2, 2018Insightful, free of unnecessary jargon and thorough. I think this book is helpful whether you went to boarding school, are close with a boarding school survivor or are in the psychotherapeutic profession.
Negatives:
Some of the ways Duffell sees gender dynamics are borderline disturbing to me, but that may just be how psychosexual theory works.
Claims to be applicable to female ex-boarders, but is just clearly not written with the female perspective in mind. Nothing wrong with that, just admit it.
Negatives:
Some of the ways Duffell sees gender dynamics are borderline disturbing to me, but that may just be how psychosexual theory works.
Claims to be applicable to female ex-boarders, but is just clearly not written with the female perspective in mind. Nothing wrong with that, just admit it.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews