Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love

by John Welwood

As men and women find that they can no longer rely on old roles and formulas to get along, intimate relationships call for a new kind of honesty and awareness, a willingness to let go of old patterns and cultivate new capacities. Journey of the Heart shows how we can rise to this challenge by learning to use whatever difficulties we face in relationships as opportunities to expand our sense of who we are and deepen our capacity to connect with others. This is the path of conscious love.

Genres: Spirituality, Nonfiction, Relationships, Psychology, Love, Self Help, Philosophy

240 pages, Paperback

First published September 26, 1990

About the author

John Welwood (1943-2019) was an American clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, teacher, and author, known for integrating psychological and spiritual concepts. Trained in existential psychology, Welwood earned his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Chicago in 1974. He was the Director of the East/West Psychology Program at the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco and associate editor of Journal of Transpersonal Psychology.

Reviews

[kailin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is quite simply the best book I have read on the topic of love...ever. I am too moved by it right now to write a full review--perhaps later, but I am grateful to the author for such a courageous, spiritual, honest approach to relationships and the purpose they serve in our lives. I underlined so many passages in this book my pen ran out of ink. If you have ever been in a relationship or are currently in a relationship, I can't imagine this book will not move you at some point to some realization about either yourself, your partner, or your relationship. A purely enlightening read.

[Mara · Rating 5 out of 5]

In reading Melinda Gates book, "The Moment of Lift," she mentions this book as excellent in helping shape her understanding of communication in relationships. I think she said it was her mother's favorite book. I found it to be an excellent guide on how to improve one's communication with a partner. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't benefit from reading it.

[Aurora]

Love it! It's basically a psychoanalysis of relationships and love with a spiritual perspective. Really helps to explain all the ups and downs of relationships and why they aren't bad but opportunities to grow.

[Pamela Ramey-Tatum · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book; it began my quest for having conscious relaitonships. Now I write on the topic myslef.

[Annette Vaillancourt · Rating 5 out of 5]

The BEST book on conscious relationships. I read it over and over. John Welwood has depth and soul...no question about that.

[Lance · Rating 3 out of 5]

The introduction of Journey of the Heart already had me agreeing with the ideas within. First, Welwood repeatedly makes the point that romantic committed relationships now in the Western world are different (and, in many ways) more difficult than those in the past. We ask/need more from our partners now than in the past, when family, friends, and community supplied so much or, farther back, when romantic love and erotic connection and so on weren’t expected from a spouse. From there, Welwood explains that partnerships today force both individuals to examine themselves (and their dynamic) in deep and uncomfortable ways. Because we’re all individuals and every relationship is unique, Welwood then gives was looks like a nod to relationship anarchy principles - although I believe the dates of this book and “RA” don’t match up, so if anything, RA may come from some of these ideas. Anyways, after that he also talks about how problem-solving in relationships isn’t the right approach, since they’re a process that never stops growing and changing. Instead, Welwood says we need to take “problems” as opportunities to look inside ourselves as ways to learn and grow from them (assuming, I think, that both partners are doing this). Overall, the introduction was a strong start for me.

From there, Welwood lays out what appears to be some foundational stuff that has, in my experience, taken on different names. Relationships are framed as opportunities for growth, not in a becoming-a-better-person way, but in an unlearning habits from the past and (re)discovering parts of yourself way. Conflicts can be opportunities to see how your history has altered your thinking or behavior, and then to choose differently. A partner can be a mirror to spark the impulsive freeness you once had as a child. That sort of thing. He also goes into a lot about presence (mindfulness) and acceptance, but again has his own terms for them. Then does a lot of explaining about how it all comes down to balancing between extremes and being accepting of the paradoxes inherent in deep intimate relationships. Perhaps my own personal experience is coloring my reading of this, but it’s lining up well with philosophies I’ve learned work very well for me from both ACT therapy and RA.

The next section starts with a discussion of passion. Generally speaking, Welwood sees our Western culture getting our understanding of passion wrong: someone/something isn’t the SOURCE of your passion, they’re the FOCUS of your passion. In relationship, seeing someone as your source inevitably leads to distortions, according to Welwood. Again, he advises balance and acceptance here, clarifying that the balance point changes - as all living things change and grow, especially with relationships being a process (not a product). Then he goes into the importance of vulnerability. This is something I’m familiar with (as is much of the world at this point) thanks to Brene Brown and her work with Daring Greatly. The section then continues to discuss the various extremes that occur in relationships and stresses the importance of true balance with all of them. He even goes into stuff that feels like early attachment theory or reminds me of It Didn’t Start With You. The more I read this book, the more it seems to have inspired many (all?) of the books/people that have taught me much about myself, others, and relationships. But I’m not sure on the timeline of who inspired who. Welwood feels foundational or as a great synthesis or meta analysis of these philosophies. This book is a great, dense place to start, knowing each idea sprouts into full theories and books.

However, Welwood lost me as soon as the book split discussions of sacred paths into male and female. I never feel like either resonates fully with me when people do this, so I start seeing holes everywhere and the book stops talking to me and is only for other people that see themselves on these pages. As it is, the forced heteronormative and monogamy-centered nature of the book was grating enough. He sort of admitted this early on, saying these principles are more about everyone’s masculine and feminine energies. But these heavily gendered explanations for several chapters really lost me. It ruined the whole rest of the book and soured me on the positives from the first two thirds or so.

[ayley · Rating 5 out of 5]

The *best* book on love I’ve ever ever ever read. Absolutely everyone would benefit from reading it.

Welwood’s spiritual approach to love & relationships is so profound, so moving that I’m actually ~furious~ it’s taken me 30+ years to hear it.

The path of conscious love invites lovers to consider relational triggers (anything that reveals deep wounds) as an opportunity to expand their own inner consciousness. The stronger the love/light you share with another, the more it drags out the hurt/dark. By answering the call to truly open yourself up, you allow yourself to be more human, more mindfully responsive, & more loving.

Ego-ego combats that reveal self-protective, reactive measures in each partner (that feel totally valid + justified as a reaction to what The Other is doing!) are only relationship death sentences when you refuse to allow wounds to become exposed or remain in a state of individual unconsciousness with your own reactivity/responsibility. This unconsciousness makes a monster of all external problems you perceive in your partner, causing you show up with fear + blame, become a martyr to your grievances, & start demanding (inner child!) to be seen, heard, recognized, & loved. Conscious love, alternatively, refuses to dehumanize your partner through glib objectifications (bad, insensitive, selfish, etc) & asks you to dig in to the redemptive power of *love as a practice* to catalyze unprecedented individual growth. Only here can you access limitless compassion for yourself & your partner.

Welwood beautifully illustrates the importance of personal responsibility for both partners to commit to the path of love as a process, not as a state or solution. But ultimately, he asserts you must truly soften to your own pain AND the pain of your partner through seeing the wisdom in every conflict & what it can awaken within you. Big, painful relationship conflicts can be opportunities to find completely new levels of honesty, awareness, openness, & love. From disorder can come a new, more evolved order. Where threats & fear dominate, conscious relationships allow love to expand & be reborn by finding greater intimacy in facing disconnection with courage & will.

This book was so unbelievably beautiful & empowering (!!!) & I will never choose a largely unconscious, reactive relationship ever again. ⭐️

[The Starry Library · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a guide on how to have a conscious relationship. Welwood discusses the notion of projection and reflection in relationships and how being in a relationship allows us to evolve and grow as a person, as long as one is aware of this purpose. A poignant message reiterated throughout the book was that challenges and problems in relationships offer a golden opportunity for heart expansion. We can only achieve this if we first cultivate awareness, courage, and gentleness. True unconditional love only arises when two people can stand firmly in who they are, not judging or shutting down their feelings when things become difficult. Love is an alchemical process. It's about bringing all of the opposing forces within us out into the open to be healed. Relationships are healing processes and when we can view them in this way, love is no longer a fantasy or artificial, it becomes a source of energy that fuels itself off the differences and contrasts between two people. Relationships are about the joining together of heaven and earth. Having a vision and romance for it, while honouring the individuality of each person and building a practical life around that. Challenges are the golden path into the heart.

[Nicky Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first discovered this book in graduate school and then read parts of it to couples struggling to keep their hearts open to each other during difficult times. John Welwood's style of writing and words continue to touch me deeply. This book has taught me how to become more real in my own relationships and when to let go with love. It is a must read for anyone daring to look at themselves and others with compassion.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will read this book again and again throughout my lifetime. I found tears of joy, remorse, hope, and happiness in the pages of this impactful book. My heart is forever touched and expanded from every single page within this book. It is not only a reference to refer back to for relationships with others but also for the relationship with yourself and the universe.

[Cameron Bret Nichols · Rating 5 out of 5]

An beautifully written explanation of the true nature of commitment, love, and the decisions wherein.

[Allie Way · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book, centred around how we can grow in love, as individuals and together, ultimately making a positive impact in the greater community.

The book outlines three key areas for individual focus in relationships, and what it means to do these effectively. That is:
- Awareness: clearly seeing what is
- Courage: connecting with what is
- Gentleness: making friends with what is and being gentle with ourselves

The author highlights how passion can be a devotional path for tapping greater powers inside of us, while being mindful of the traps we can fall into in idolising our beloved. All roads lead back to how we identify with ourselves, and the awareness needed to balance the tension between love and fear.

The concept of ‘mirroring’ is explored as an effective way to expand our normally limited field of vision, by regarding whatever is happening in a relationship as a mirror that can reflect something important back to us about ourselves. Extending on this through understanding we are all made up of habits forged over many years. We must be conscious of these, and how they can blind us and interfere with growth and development.

This can be done by harnessing the ‘beginners mind’, which allows us to see others in a fresh and unassuming way. It leaves the door open to spontaneity, authenticity, freedom, and growth.

Favourite quotes:
“Love has sacred power not because it makes us high, allowing us to rise above ordinary life on clouds of blissful glory, but because it helps us relax the struggle between ‘self’ and ‘other’ that is at the root of human suffering”

“It’s important not to get too starry-eyed when contemplating the spiritual dimension of love. Life’s ordinary magic lies right in front of us when we relate fully and directly to things as they are”

The final chapters explore what it is to be Male and Female, and the profound quality of cutting through stereotypical roles of our society to realise our individual masculine and feminine characteristics, and how they can be complimentary. It talks to what happens if we close ourselves off and go too far one way or the other - too soft, or too hard. Understanding the need to cultivate both within men and women will help us find balance that enables our full selves to blossom.

While there are timeless lessons here, premised on historic symbolism and ancient gods and practices, no doubt the world has shifted since its publication. I.e. with things like technology that influence how we connect, and cultural influences that have shaped how we perceive the world today, and ourselves within it.

Overall, an insightful and engaging read.

[daemyra, the realm's delight · Rating 3 out of 5]

John Welwood’s Journey of the Heart was assigned reading in a week-long morning intensive I took with a popular vinyasa teacher in Vancouver. Welwood is a pioneer in transpersonal psychology and couples counselling, known for integrating Western psychology and Eastern wisdom. Welwood primarily discusses the man-woman relationship, based on his experience working with them. Couples nowadays are pioneers in unexplored territory where family and society do not dictate the form and function of intimate relationships, to the extent they have done before in history, and Welwood has worked to develop principles of intimate relationships as a practice and path to "bring forth the goodness and strength already present within us," a very tantric view of the self.

Journey of the Heart serves individuals that are interested in developing conscious love in their intimate relationships. I particularly reflected on what Welwood’s teachings meant for my yoga practice, both on and off the mat - how to let my relationship with a difficult pose or a difficult person challenge and awaken my inner strength.

Welwood coins the term, “warrior of the heart” for a person who accepts and is fully present to their experience as it is, without shrinking or turning away from it:

Being a warrior in this sense does not mean acting aggressively or “toughing it out.’ It means prevailing through inner strength rather than through domination.” You welcome whatever arises in relationships, as an opportunity to grow stronger.

I particularly enjoyed this phrase and meaning from Journey of the Heart, as I did much of the passages that ranged on poetic including this section:

“Human nature is vast. Our being actually reflects and contains the whole range of peaceful and wrathful energies of heaven and earth, fire and water, sun and stars. but we usually inhabit only a small portion of our being. We live on the island of our conditioned self, a complex of memories, notions, and images of ourselves that constitute our identity as we know it.

“Yet the larger expanse of our being - its vastness, intensity and depths - we do not usually identify as intimately our own. Even though this larger being is more truly who we are - since it is not an invention, like our self-images - we do not know it as our true nature.”

As well as this:

“Something larger still wants to shine through this overlay from the past. How could we envision such radiance and beauty in others in the first place if we did not already have some sense of power and greatness inside us?”

And this:

"The surrender that passion calls for involves letting go of holding on: to myself - my fascination with getting high or being saved - and to my partner - my attempt to grasp or control her. to let go in this way can feel like a death, for it means giving up old ways of trying to make myself feel alive or secure. yet what is most alive in me wants these old ways to die, so that it can expand and move more freely."

Overall, a lovely psychology read.

[Edy · Rating 4 out of 5]

“A relationship can serve our growth so powerfully because it reveals our stuck patterns more vividly than most other situations in our lives. As these patterns come to light, it is easy to start attacking ourselves, or blaming our partner for the powerful emotions that may be released. Yet imagining that our feelings mean something about what kind of person we are only solidifies them further. Feeling anger does not mean that I am an aggressive person. Feeling vulnerable does not mean that I am weak. Feeling fear about giving does not mean that I am hopelessly selfish. If we can see the volatility of our feelings as a sign that a relationship is deeply affecting us and shaking loose old karmic patterns, we can let them arise and pass through without condemning ourselves for them.”

“Genuine trust develops between two people, not because everything about them is trustworthy, but because they can work with all the different parts of themselves, including those that are not trustworthy.”

[Kenzie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is one of the more helpful I've read for intimate relationships. There are so many books that try to offer advice but really just add to a triggered dynamic. Maybe this book focuses less on the dysfunctional dynamics of couples and more on how to work through them, or maybe it's the overall tone of the writing, which feels more meditative and open. Whatever it is, when I read this book (it's a great one to pick up and revisit as needed), I'm able to shift out of tangled thinking and into a broader perspective that's more focused on being responsible for my own life.
I found this book through Cynthia Bourgeault's writing, and it fits in that genre of writing that is both spiritual and grounded in practicality. Journey of the Heart doesn't really give quick fixes, but it does give support for a true journey into deeper intimacy.

[Michael Sasson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, 5* for parts 1 and 2 (chapters 1-10). Reading those two parts (even with the annoying assumptions of heterosexual couples and attraction and the peaks into author's understanding of masculinity and femininity) I kept thinking that this is what I'd want to have potential romantic partners read and wrestle with together with me. Really useful articulations of dependency, individuation, developmental invitations, projection, etc.

Part 3, like 2*... moments of useful insight buried in sloppy thinking and lack of imagination (or for someone who lived in the Bay area a lack of an ability to listen and take other people's lived experience seriously...) as relates to gender. Discussions of marriage confuse the usefulness of having a conscious container with having this particular container within which to grow.

[Tricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finally finished it! It's not a long book but it's dense. The kind of book you read a chapter slowly and let it sink in or come back to. Philosophical/spiritual (?) Discussion of love and how to be in relationship. I picked it up because Bell Hooks (all about love) referenced it. There is a lot to sink into here.my one complaint is the conversation about masculine/feminine energy feels dated and all the relationships he refers to are hetero. 4.5

[Jillian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on love and relationships. Welwood never disappoints although he probably comes across as a little dated these days. The book was first published in the 1980s. Much of the Buddhist foundation is of course timeless, but attitudes to sexuality have changed since then and no doubt his exclusively heterosexual references will disappoint people today. Highly recommend for anyone interested in psychospirituality and conscious relating. One of my reference books.

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

8.5/10

This book was really quite good. I felt like I learned a ton about relationships, both romantic and otherwise. My only real issue was that it came from a very heterosexual perspective, which was understandable since it was written in the 90s, but I feel like the binary was a bit stronger than it needed to be.

[Réka Tóka · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book on connections, love, passion, companionship and self development. I believe that everyone who wants a successful relationship and marriage should read this. But beware, self awareness is needed and it will inspire you to grow and be a better person and better spouse. Hard work, but absolutely worth it.

[Lyndall Goff · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is wonderfully written and grounding yet inspiring. It gently weaves in spirituality and nurtures the reader to expand themselves and be okay with imperfections whilst offering methods that are within reach.
I love it!

[Tom Helmick · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was quite an amazing and challenging read - I would say the best in its class that I have ever read.

[Lawrence]

ht bell hooks - all about love - June 2020

[Salahuddin Hourani]

ملاحظة لي - لم اقرا الكتاب بعد

love needs time, commitment, and nurturing to become deep and real love, fast and instant love are doomed to fail and vanish

[William Sommer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rather insightful. My partner read and liked it too.

[Sylvia · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an amazing book, I wish with all my heart this book to be compulsory reading. 😌💖

[Karen Hughes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wish I had this when I was much younger.

[Carolyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing! One of the best books I have read on relationships. Leans towards the spiritual.

[Alicia Zuto · Rating 5 out of 5]

This author and PhD is an absolute genius. I just can't understand why more books haven't followed the way he explains and teaches his theories. I don't think I've read a more on point book about love and relationships. It's so honest. The author shares the importance of that tension that we always fight in a relationship when that is the whole driving point of it. Like in mindfulness teaching, for journeys of the heart it's necessary to accept and acknowledge this instead of fighting it or not fighting it enough. His words are so potent. I would recommend this for everybody. It's an amazing read and I read it in one sitting

[Grant]

I skimmed the book. It has some great concepts. I'm sure I will come back to it some day when the time is right. He directs the read to H. D. Laurance as the emminant writer on Love. He addresses some of the developmental causes of relationship problems and character formation, which I find very interesting. He also talks about how healthy yang habits can be passed from person to person. Or maybe I should say that boys and stuggling men can benefit greatly from inteacting with strong, psycologically healthy men.