First Spring Grass Fire

by Rae Spoon

Transgender indie electronica singer-songwriter Rae Spoon has six albums to their credit, including 2012’s I Can’t Keep All of Our Secrets . This first book by Rae (who uses "they" as a pronoun) is a candid, powerful story about a young person growing up queer in a strict Pentecostal family in rural Canada.

The narrator attends church events and Billy Graham rallies faithfully with their family before discovering the music that becomes their salvation and means of escape. As their father's schizophrenia causes their parents' marriage to unravel, the narrator finds solace and safety in the company of their siblings, in their nascent feelings for a girl at school, and in their growing awareness that they are not the person their parents think they are. With a heart as big as the prairie sky, this is a quietly devastating, heart-wrenching coming-of-age book about escaping dogma, surviving abuse, finding love, and risking everything for acceptance.

Rae Spoon lives in Montreal, Quebec.

Genres: Queer, LGBT, Memoir, Transgender, Nonfiction, Canada, Gender

144 pages, Paperback

First published September 11, 2012

About the author

Rae Spoon is a non-binary musician, producer and author based on Lekwungen Territory (Victoria). Rae has published two books with Arsenal Pulp Press and a humorous booklet called How to (Hide) Be(hind) Your Songs. Their first book, First Spring Grass Fire, was nominated for a Lambda Literary award and the co-write Gender Failure has been translated into German and is on a fifth pressing. In spring 2014, Rae was awarded an Honour Of Distinction by the Dayne Ogilvie Prize, presented by the Writers' Trust Of Canada.

They have released ten solo albums ranging from country, folk and bluegrass to indie rock, pop and electronic. Rae has toured internationally over the past twenty years and they have been nominated for two Polaris Prizes and a Western Canada Music award. In 2015, Rae founded Coax Records in the hopes of using their experience as a marginalized artist to create more space in the music industry.

Reviews

[Magdelanye · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this lucid, clear-sighted and endearing account of growing up different, RS traces the moments that set them on their unique journey to create an identity that fit.

[Jan]

A favorite sentence: "One of the advantages of living with Conservative relatives is their huge blind spot when it comes to queers in their midst, allowing for unlimited same-gender sleepovers."

[CaseyTheCanadianLesbrarian · Rating 4 out of 5]

For a slim book under 150 pages, transgender musician and now writer Rae Spoon’s first book First Spring Grass Fire sure packs a wicked punch. First Spring Grass Fire follows the adventures of Rae, a gender-non-normative kid growing up in Calgary in the 80s and 90s. This collection of short stories that straddle the line between fiction and non-fiction is deceptively simple. The language, tone, and structure of the book are all casual and familiar. Reminiscent of Ivan E. Coyote’s colloquial storytelling/writing style, Spoon’s stories feel like they’d be right at home being read aloud while sitting around the kitchen table after supper. The first story, for example, is simply titled “Billy Graham” and starts with a sentence that could as easily be found coming out of someone’s mouth in conversation as in a published short story: “The first stadium concert I ever went to was a Billy Graham rally at the Saddledome when I was nine.” For those not familiar with Calgary, Rae explains what the “Saddledome” is (“a hockey arena shaped like a saddle”) and how you have to take the C-Train to get there from the suburbs...

See the rest of my review on my website: http://caseythecanadianlesbrarian.wor...

[M.J. Lyons · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I've read in awhile, and I think it'll take the place as one of my favorite (auto)biographies. Fantastically refined and well written while also very emotionally raw. Each chapter or story Spoon tells is compact and specific, contributing to a bigger picture of their life told in a mostly non-linear narrative. I found this book so incredibly effecting, at times horrifying and extremely emotionally satisfying.

[Dar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rae is a musician who I learned about through my genderqueer child. They grew up in a fundamentalist religious family, and also had a father with serious mental health issues. It did not go over well when Rae turned out to be genderqueer. This is a book of biographical short stories which touched my heart on every page!

[Zoë Birss · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rae Spoon's first book was at all times both eminently readable, an engrossing page-turner, while simultaneously being a gut punch of emotion that threatened to make me physically bleed onto the pages from grief and pain. This is an autobiographical series of vignettes, arranged mostly chronologically, sharing the stories of growing up in a strict Pentecostal Alberta home, with a mentally ill father, while finding their way in the world as a queer young person. Rae does not tell the story of identifying as transgender, ending instead at the high point of their first live concert in a coffee shop for appreciative friends and strangers. Knowing that Rae is now a musician and artist of some celebrity, the reader is able to easily fill in some happily-ever-after moments for their story from the end of the book until the present.

Not every reader will likely find the book so jarring. I am an Alberta raised, former evangelical, only a few months older than Rae, who recently witnessed the incomplete suicide attempt of a beloved transgender friend. My father was also mentally ill, though I was never estranged as Rae was. For me, potential triggers abound in this book. But it is written in such a loving, vulnerable way, that instead of triggering, it felt more like a gentle therapy. And it was very, very good for me.

This is one of the strengths of the book, a realistic portrait of a person that is vulnerable enough to let others in any way like them know they are not alone. I can imagine many queer kids in rural Alberta especially who could find an emotional anchor in these pages. Along with heart achingly honest anecdotes, metaphor and imagery is also used beautifully throughout. My favourite is that of the grass fire, from where the book gets its name. After the fire, the grass grows back vivid green. From the dry yellow and browns of Alberta's prairie, we see Rae emerge in these pages. So much of their past is burned right down to nothing. Rae as they are now shines bright and beautiful out of the ashes they've left behind.

This very encouraging book is a short read, and hard to put down. I recommend it to any reader who loves coming-of-age and autobiography. I especially recommend it to every kid who feels different, especially in Canada, especially in Alberta, especially Calgary and south. There is a lot of beauty here.

+

(Editing stuff: My copy of this book was misprinted, pages 33-63 printed upside down. It also had at least two editing errors, grammatically incorrect sentences that sounded like rewrites that didn't quite get completed. "Revelations" is incorrect - no "s" - and transgendered - ed? - might be. This didn't bother me. But I wanted to mention it in case this is read by someone able to check for those in future editions.)

[Ben Truong · Rating 4 out of 5]

First Spring Grass Fire is an autobiography written by Rae Spoon. This memoir chronicles their various struggles with their life and their coming-out experience.

Rae Spoon is a Canadian musician and writer. Their musical style has varied from country to electronic-influenced indie rock and folk punk. Spoon grew up as a transgender person in Calgary, Alberta. They were raised in a Pentecostal household to a paranoid-schizophrenic father. Their father's religious beliefs caused anxiety to a teenage Rae.

In this memoir, Spoon tells several stories at once, some more effectively than other stories. It is a straightforward memoir, interesting and engaging, but a tad indulging. Spoon relates the various hardships of their life, a fervently religious family, a schizophrenic father, and angst over a nonconforming gender with precise, at times beautiful, prose. Woven in are other aspects of their life, hinting at a burgeoning musical career and a unique fashion sense, but these are only glimpses in a traditional story of a rough upbringing and subsequent escape.

First Spring Grass Fire is written rather well. The narrative jumps and skips around in time, not confusingly, but enough to obscure any sense of momentum. Mentions of an eating disorder and self-harming behaviors show no sense of resolution. While Spoon's queer identity, or at least, their attraction to girls, is well-described, there is no corresponding detail given about their gender identity or how they related to the word "trans".

All in all, First Spring Grass Fire is an enjoyable, clearly-written story, valuable both on its own merits and for what it represents in the genre of queer memoirs.

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

Trigger warning: homophobia/transphobia, child abuse, schizophrenic/bipolar parent

This is a really hard review for me, because I didn't relate to this book at all, but I can see the need for it.

Rae Spoon describes their childhood as mainly one thing: Pentecostal. Which, for a queer kid, is probably the equivalent of hell. With a schizophrenic (and bipolar?) father, most chapters include child abuse or mentions of their parents fighting, when it's not homophobic slurs thrown at them by classmates.

It's a rough book written by a queer person who had it rough in the 80s and 90s. Being a late-blooming queer - and cis - myself, I couldn't relate to what they went through, even if I was raised Catholic. My family didn't force me to attend church and I never felt like I had only Jesus in the way Rae did. But I can see how someone from a Conservative stronghold, who was indoctrinated all their life into thinking their family's religion is the only right thing there is, would need this.

It's a little dated, but the core material is still relevant today.

[Anni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rae - I don’t know if you’ll ever read or see this review, but I know our friends (and yours) might see it!

Reading your full story gives me so much more insight into how you were suffering back when we were (grade school) kids. I wish you felt and knew you could have spoken to (and told) so many of us exactly what was going on. We would have been there for you and done everything we could to get you out of that situation! And your siblings! Having spent quite a bit of time in your home in Jr High, I never could have guessed this was happening.

Many of the stories you tell I sat there thinking “I was there,” “I was in the background,” or “I remember when they told us about that, but it was completely different” (when you changed things in the retelling to not seem so dire).

I watched My Prairie Home when it came out but this book was so much more. I will also be getting the new one when it comes out in the spring, for what your life was when you moved to Vancouver. This is when you vanished on us, and no one knew what happened (yes, we were all concerned - you had so many who missed you!).

I hope that your current treatment goes smoothly and you don’t have another round of visits after the current one. Awful, that thing is! Huge hug and I miss you, my old friend!

[Leah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book of biographical short stories revolving around the author's life, growing up in a conservative Christian family and town as they learned about the power and draw of music, and their own gender and sexuality.

This was a highly charged and powerful series of autobiographical stories. Rae has a beautiful sense of tone and style, and their music background absolutely comes through in their writing because their sentences flow in such a pleasing way that it is difficult to stop reading. Despite having grown up in a very different series of circumstances, I found a lot to relate to in these stories as a queer woman myself, and it was a very inspiring journey to join them on.

[Chrisreadsbooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Each chapter in this short novel is like a little short story, coming together to tell a fuller, compelling story of a young person growing up in Calgary under the umbrella of their ultra religious parents. Rae Spoon finds salvation, not in the family religion but in music. I really liked this book.

[Benji · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars- This is an essay memoir by a transgender nonbinary musician in Canada who was raised in an Evangelical conservative household with a schizophrenic father. Spoon is a talented and engaging writer and this memoir had a strong sense of place to it. The essays had a non-linear aspect to them that made the book as a whole feel sort of dreamlike. Quite powerful despite the short page count.

[Melissa Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.75 Well I’ve always had the biggest soft spot and mad respect for Rae.
I think about them writing this book in 2011-12, when the world was a lot different. And about growing up in the 80s/90s, when things were reallly different.
And am thankful for the progress that allows for being who we all really are; and so keenly aware of quickly we can lose this progress.
Big love to Rae!

[Rai Beattie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I adore Rae Spoon's music and it turns out I am just as big of a fan of their prose. This book is at turns incredibly sad but also incredibly funny and always charming. Their voice is just so real and relatable.

[Tobin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the structure confusing at first--after all, there's not necessarily any hint about when you're going to be tossed into the past. However, once you figure out the trick, the book becomes all the more meaningful.

[Slovenly Muse · Rating 4 out of 5]

Spoon manages to convey with depth and nuance a childhood wherein family is simultaneously a source of love, strength, and support... And a source of the pain, fear, and oppression that must be overcome.

[kris · Rating 3 out of 5]

The simple and heartfelt descriptions of the narrator's first girlfriend made me tear up several distinct times (a big plus for a big softie like me)

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

excellent

[Adrian · Rating 4 out of 5]

A strong perspective from an author who would know. Check out Rae's music, too!

[Leah Horlick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Embarrassingly overdue on reading this one, and completely devoured it yesterday.

[Raik · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rae's writing is so relatable that I feel as though the stories come from within my own experience. There are few feelings as warm as seeing yourself represented in literature.

[Cate · Rating 5 out of 5]

A necessary read for queer, trans, non-binary and also Western Canadian folk.

[Gold Dust · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't like this book. For one, it wasn't told chronologically. It was about a girl named Rae who wanted to do boy things to feel different from her twin sister, whose parents dressed them in identical clothes. She admits to smoking and dressing punk in order to get attention and stand out. So why should I think her claiming to be trans is any different?

Evidence of this pattern of pretending/conforming for attention or to compete with her sister:
1. So when my mother came to me one night when I was four and told me that Karen had just given her heart to Jesus, I was appalled. It made no sense to me that she could be capable of doing something like this before me. After all, wasn’t I the eldest? So I too was born again that night.
2. She was the girl that my parents wanted us both to be, and I was trying to lay low and get away with acting like a boy as much as I could.
3. But I loved it when he (Uncle Carl) paid attention to me
4. It excited me that I could decide something for myself; it was a secret mission that no one knew about and no one could stop. Sometimes I fantasized about everyone finding out and eventually I’d get to be a guest on Oprah . I would tell her the story about my dad and she would listen carefully and with great sympathy.
5. I still wanted to stand out. When I got dressed in the morning, I thought like the anger I felt inside would boil over and onto my outside. By grade nine, my V-neck vests and white Guess jeans failed to get the point across, so I started to dress all in black, ripped-up clothing. Looking at my frayed and oversized clothes in the mirror, I felt that I was getting closer to being cool. So I took it further. I tried to learn how to smoke. It was hard work; first, I had to find cigarettes. I smoked my first one in the bushes at a church picnic. My church friend who really liked AC / DC gave it to me when I caught her smoking and asked if I could join her. After that, I mostly found them on the ground. My sister had started smoking with her friends from school. She and I would spend our summer afternoons combing the ground at the nearby C-Train station. One day we smoked so many stale butts that she threw up on the bus on the way to our grandmother’s house. But by then we were both addicted and it was too late to quit.
6. The day I started smoking publicly, I made a lot of smoke friends at school.
7. There was danger in being different and there was safety in numbers.

[Nora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lovely book about growing up different without having the words for why you’re not like others. This is a short book that you could blaze through in a few hours. I liked that the writer didn’t designate whether it’s a memoir, novel, linked short-stories, fictionalized memoir, etc. The writer Rae Spoon just sidestepped that whole mess, although the main character has helpfully been named Rae. Each chapter/story could be self-contained, and the narrative kind of builds on itself, so that in one chapter you might learn that the main character takes Ritalin recreationally during Bible class, and then in the next chapter you go back and find out how that began. I don’t really want to give away anything that happens but the book involves, among other things: religious Christians, queer things, schizophrenia, family dynamics, and Canada.

The book is called First Spring Grass Fire after this line in it: “I would look into the clouds for messages that confirmed my doubts and find nothing—just a huge, God-filled sky over the dry grass on Nose Hill, brown after the snow melted and waiting for a lit cigarette to set the first spring grass fire.” The title kept reminding me, though, of Spring Fire by Vin Packer (aka Marijane Meaker aka M.E. Kerr), which is supposed to be the very first example of lesbian pulp fiction, and I wondered if that was intentional or just a happy coincidence.

Book design: It’s a very pretty book, and nicely laid out. I found the font for the author’s name and the chapter titles a little finnicky and hard to read, but that’s such a minor complaint.

Theme song: Padraic My Prince by Bright Eyes

What other book is this like: Hmm. . . Eh, maybe if Rapture Practice by Aaron Hartzler and Brooklyn Burning by Steve Brezenoff had a book baby?

Where did I get this book from: Bureau of General Services-Queer Division, a very nice bookstore in NYC. Perhaps you too can buy it from an actual bookstore too, rather than stupid amazon.com.

[Anna Penner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rae has been on my list of favourite people for about a year now. I started listening to their music and didn't stop listening. From time to time, when I'm having a bad day, a tired day, or just a day, I'll find myself listening to "There is a Light (but not for everyone)" or their Whitney Houston cover. This is surprising because I'm not a music person; I'm a words person.

Now that Rae has moved into this more familiar (to me) terrain, their book has easily made it on to my list of favourite books. I know that this lovely collection is one that I'll return to from time to time. I'll flip through the beautiful stories, finding the ones that have been on my mind since I read them first. I'll continue to appreciate the nostalgia created by those moments of a prairie childhood that seem to be universal to prairie childhoods, while also appreciating Rae's ability to share heartbreaking instability, fear, love and hurt so beautifully.

I also had the great luck of hearing Rae read from First Spring Grass Fire(with the also fantastic Vivek Shraya) during their tour. Do, if you can: their words are even more powerful when shared in person and accompanied by their incredible musical talent.

[Nathan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw Rae Spoon perform at the Calgary Folk Music Festival last year and they were amazing. Their music is fantastic, and I really enjoyed it. The fact that Rae is trans was only an added bonus. I heard the news of this book in an issue of a free prairie newspaper featuring LGBTQ authors, and I was psyched from that moment. I'm a sucker for coming of age tales which feature trans characters, and this fit the bill.
The book is a sort of autobiographical, I believe, considering the MC is named Rae and grows up in Calgary, like Rae Spoon does. It is fiction, however, so I'm unsure how much of it is true. But it doesn't really matter in the end, because it reads true.
I'm not sure why this didn't fully do it for me. I suppose it could be that I had high expectations for it going in. I think it's mostly that this book jumps around a lot. It doesn't have a defined time line, at one point the narrator is 10 and in the next chapter they are 5 and then they are 13. There is quite a bit of that in the book, and I'm not a fan of it.
The character is really good, though. I totally related to them immediately and I felt for them throughout the book.

If you're wanting an original book about a trans kid growing up then I definitely recommend this book.

[Cow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good stuff.

I got introduced to Rae Spoon when they started touring with my much-beloved Ivan E Coyote, and, wow am I glad. This book reminds me a lot of the way Ivan structures stories/books--short chapters, each their own little story, but part of a greater narrative. But this one is a bit more cohesive; rather than just a collection of stories, this overall tells the story of growing up to be weird and going through that outcast phase of late teenage/early adult life while living in the most conservative, evangelical biblical parts of Canada and growing up in a broken family.

It is at once touching and raw, but also at times maybe a bit repetitive and oversold? Still, worthwhile, and I'm always glad to see another voice in this world.

[Marissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came away from this collection of short (very short) stories feeling almost like an intruder - First Spring Grass Fire was so intimate. Quite, unassuming, and powerful, like sitting on a dock under moonlight with your best friend and letting everything go.

It was quite a short read (though to be honest, this might not be so much about the length of the thing but more my haste in reading it, there's difficulty in dwelling too long on some of those brutally sincere lines), it wasn't flashy, or terribly exciting, and it's not a book I'm going to tell all of my friends about, but parts of it will stay with me for a long time coming.

[T. Lepage · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have loved Rae's music for quite some time and have fallen equally in love with his writing. I sat down with Rae's book intending to read a story or two and before I knew it I had made my way through the entire book. This is a book that you will want to tuck safely away on your bookshelf (next to your Ivan E. Coyote collection) and at the same time lend to everyone that you know (buying a second copy to share might be a good idea). A book that you will want to read over and over again.

[George Ilsley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rae Spoon truly must be a born performer, because this slim volume leaves you wanting more. More, more, more, please. At times I felt I was reading about a time long ago, perhaps in the deep south, but then had to remind myself that stuff like this keeps happening and is happening now, today, somewhere in Canada.

I had chills when Rae describes, in the climax scene, moving into their power as a performer.