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The End of Love: Racism, Sexism, and the Death of Romance
From Playboy to Jay-Z, the racial origins of toxic masculinity and its impact on women, especially Black and “insufficiently white” women
More men than ever are refusing loving partnerships and commitment, and instead seeking out “situationships.” When these men deign to articulate what they are looking for in a steady partner, they’ll often rely on superficial norms of attractiveness rooted in whiteness and anti-Blackness.
Connecting the past to the present, sociologist Sabrina Strings argues that following the Civil Rights movement and the integration of women during the Second Wave Feminist movement, men aimed to hold on to their power by withholding love and commitment, a basic tenet of white supremacy and male domination, that served to manipulate all women. From pornography to hip hop, women—especially Black and “insufficiently white” women—were presented as gold diggers, props for masturbation, and side-pieces.
Using historical research, personal stories, and critical analysis, Strings argues that the result is fuccboism, the latest incarnation of toxic masculinity. This work shows that men are not innately “toxic.” Nor do they hate love, commitment, or sex. Instead, men across race have been working a new code to effectively deny loving partnerships to women who are not pliant, slim, and white as a new mode of male domination.
More men than ever are refusing loving partnerships and commitment, and instead seeking out “situationships.” When these men deign to articulate what they are looking for in a steady partner, they’ll often rely on superficial norms of attractiveness rooted in whiteness and anti-Blackness.
Connecting the past to the present, sociologist Sabrina Strings argues that following the Civil Rights movement and the integration of women during the Second Wave Feminist movement, men aimed to hold on to their power by withholding love and commitment, a basic tenet of white supremacy and male domination, that served to manipulate all women. From pornography to hip hop, women—especially Black and “insufficiently white” women—were presented as gold diggers, props for masturbation, and side-pieces.
Using historical research, personal stories, and critical analysis, Strings argues that the result is fuccboism, the latest incarnation of toxic masculinity. This work shows that men are not innately “toxic.” Nor do they hate love, commitment, or sex. Instead, men across race have been working a new code to effectively deny loving partnerships to women who are not pliant, slim, and white as a new mode of male domination.
264 pages, Hardcover
Published January 30, 2024
24 people are currently reading
2920 people want to read
About the author
Sabrina Strings
2 books158 followersSabrina Strings is Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of California, Irvine, and a recipient of the Berkeley Chancellor's Postdoctoral Fellowship, where she held appointments in the Department of Sociology and the School of Public Health at the University of California, Berkeley.
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
June 17, 2024
I expected to love this because of the high praise of the author's previous book but the essay re: the author's attraction to trans people came across as fetishistic and another essay felt like an update to 1980s anti-porn feminism so I'm bitterly disappointed.
July 10, 2024
There were some things I enjoyed from this book, but there were points where certain topics became repetitive. I really didn't need nearly a whole chapter about Jay Z. I felt the Romance part of the title was just a foil for the misogyny and racism the author wanted to discuss, where it seemed like there was no point in even having romance or love in the title. The author goes on and on about rap and how previous Soul and R&B from the Civil Rights Movement (CRM) and before got distorted by the misogyny in rap from the black love that was celebrated previously. I think she missed an opportunity to discuss modern R&B or even pop music that would've been more of a legacy for musicians from the CRM period and before. The chapters about it was so long and repetitive that I got bored and almost didn't finish the book. Then it was hard for me to believe this is a sociology professor who apparently never really saw transgender people until she watched Pose, then developed a crush on one of the trans characters/actors. Growing up as a black female early millennial in the deep south, even I knew about transgender people since at least the 90s. Some parts of the book had me wondering how much exposure the author had to other groups of people. I did find chapter 7: Masturbation Generation to be very interesting. The whole ordeal with her "friend" and the son was just strange. There is a lot to unpack there. The author does mention some of her dating history, but most of it seems to be with cis white men and one older Persian guy, but she mentions identifying as Queer and Pansexual with her having trouble navigating her new found sexuality. To me that would've been a more interesting journey to share, but it wasn't mentioned until near the end of the book. And perhaps the author was still figuring that part out. Idk. Overall, the book isn't bad and has some good chapters, but just wish it was flushed out more to keep you engaged throughout the book.
August 12, 2024
So basically the state of romance is because of non white men look towards white men for permission for who they pursue romantically and those who they pursue for a one night stand….aint it fun!
July 1, 2024
2.5 stars rounded up to 3
I was so excited about this book because I have so much respect for Sabrina Strings as a scholar and unfortunately I was disappointed.
I think the whole concept of insufficiently white women was good and I was interested in learning about the white origins and subsequent racialization of “gold diggers.”
For me the book lost points for a few reasons:
- it overall felt disjointed and I was unclear what the takeaway was other than current romantic scripts are failing us which like…..duh
- her discussion about being attracted to trans people was WEIRD and felt really fetishizing. I didn’t even get a sense that she was attracted to non-men - she mentioned being particularly attracted to trans men. Which is still being heterosexual!
- this might be a personal issue but she spent too much time on the music aspect. I get that rap and hip hop have played an important cultural role but she literally spent the majority of the book discussing music and it didn’t feel like the book had been positioned that way
I was so excited about this book because I have so much respect for Sabrina Strings as a scholar and unfortunately I was disappointed.
I think the whole concept of insufficiently white women was good and I was interested in learning about the white origins and subsequent racialization of “gold diggers.”
For me the book lost points for a few reasons:
- it overall felt disjointed and I was unclear what the takeaway was other than current romantic scripts are failing us which like…..duh
- her discussion about being attracted to trans people was WEIRD and felt really fetishizing. I didn’t even get a sense that she was attracted to non-men - she mentioned being particularly attracted to trans men. Which is still being heterosexual!
- this might be a personal issue but she spent too much time on the music aspect. I get that rap and hip hop have played an important cultural role but she literally spent the majority of the book discussing music and it didn’t feel like the book had been positioned that way
May 8, 2025
I enjoyed learning about the history of romantic love, the book definitely expanded my mind. There are also interesting facts about African-American history, from late 19th century to the modern day. I did not know that the early civil rights movement was ignited by lack of justice in the wake of sexual assaults against Black women.
My favourite chapter is the one about Hugh Hefner and Playboy - interesting to know that even in the 1950s, which are lauded as "the good old days" by today's conservatives, men's media such as Playboy was freaking out about the supposed loss of masculinity and "womanization of America" (lol). It is definitely something to re-read.
However, the book manuscript needed another look over as there are quite a lot of typos, which gets annoying after a while. Also, the ending is underwhelming, and not particularly illuminating.
My favourite chapter is the one about Hugh Hefner and Playboy - interesting to know that even in the 1950s, which are lauded as "the good old days" by today's conservatives, men's media such as Playboy was freaking out about the supposed loss of masculinity and "womanization of America" (lol). It is definitely something to re-read.
However, the book manuscript needed another look over as there are quite a lot of typos, which gets annoying after a while. Also, the ending is underwhelming, and not particularly illuminating.
June 27, 2024
I was with the author on many of her observations about gender, and I'm not Black and don't feel that it's up to me to decide if those observations are correct. I was going to give this 3-4 stars for being kind of interesting but limited in scope and unfounded in conclusion, but hooooly Masterbation Generation/s chapter. The fetishization of trans people. The weird thing about her friend's son. The ... correlation between those concepts? I can't. I need to read every review of this book bc what are we saying about this.
November 25, 2025
I have some complicated thoughts about this title. There was a lot I found very interesting about it, and I generally buy in to the concept of it. That said, there were times I felt this was painfully shallow and definitely not what I expected considering I really enjoyed her first title. There was also a moment when I thought Sabrina Strings was a chaser and that gagged me! I had to take a moment to catch my breath on that one. Anyone coming to this title expecting Fearing the Black Body quality work will be sorely disappointed.
As an introduction to the conversation on the white supremacist patriarchal standards of love and dating, especially in our modern world, this is pretty okay. It did spark some conversation between me and my friends and I think the best thing a title can do is inspire discussion, so in that regard, this title definitely succeeds and is worth reading if only for that.
With regards to the shallowness of the title, here are two places I wish the author had put a little more effort in:
The exploration of the beginning conceptions of romance and chivalric love was very interesting to me and reminded me of an article I read about South Carolina's Governor race of 1876. A key feature of Wade Hampton's platform was to "redeem" the south from its loss and "humiliation" post-Civil War and Reconstruction. Hampton used images of the previous Planter Class's Chivalric self-mythology to rally white South Carolinians to support his bid for Governor and, in doing so, lead to a slew of racialized violence and propaganda against black people, especially black women, who he and his party painted as virtue-less harpies who were incapable of staying in a woman's rightful place. They even propagandized that black women were the main cause of discord with their men who wanted to support Hampton(and many such Blacks for Hampton existed). They also used white women as props to show the virtue of their women and further demonize black women. With that in mind, I hoped that section might explore the way in which that Chivalric self mythology of the Planter Class trickled out and infected the concept of masculinity and men's supposed role in society and relationships and how that very likely has had long lasting impacts on the ways black women and men are able to relate to one another.
Another topic I felt fell rather flat was that of the discussion about fuckboys and the impact of pornography on men at large. She never says it, but a good bit of that conversation alludes to the existence of incels and gooners. I think, especially since I look at this text as a beginner introduction sort of level, those would have been very good to present to the mainstream because there are plenty of people who have never heard of either term. With some more time (and many more pages), those conversations could have been extended to even include some of the sites in which that culture has been built like reddit and 4chan. Perhaps even the topic of groyper accelerationists could have been connected to the inception and creation of magazines like Esquire and Playboy.
I ultimately felt her conclusion, that an intentional cabal of rich men (of many different races) were the linchpins of the degradation of romanticism in modern society was a bit too convenient. I don't think I disagree completely with that idea (see the current Epstein list scandal) but I do feel that things are much more complicated than that conclusion allows for. Of course there are individual players to be weary of, but those people exist because this culture has always existed in one shape or form. And the conversations we're having now about romantic love, about black women and men's relations have existed a lot longer than any of us have been alive. Putting things in historical context in that way is important to know how to step forward both apart and together.
As an introduction to the conversation on the white supremacist patriarchal standards of love and dating, especially in our modern world, this is pretty okay. It did spark some conversation between me and my friends and I think the best thing a title can do is inspire discussion, so in that regard, this title definitely succeeds and is worth reading if only for that.
With regards to the shallowness of the title, here are two places I wish the author had put a little more effort in:
The exploration of the beginning conceptions of romance and chivalric love was very interesting to me and reminded me of an article I read about South Carolina's Governor race of 1876. A key feature of Wade Hampton's platform was to "redeem" the south from its loss and "humiliation" post-Civil War and Reconstruction. Hampton used images of the previous Planter Class's Chivalric self-mythology to rally white South Carolinians to support his bid for Governor and, in doing so, lead to a slew of racialized violence and propaganda against black people, especially black women, who he and his party painted as virtue-less harpies who were incapable of staying in a woman's rightful place. They even propagandized that black women were the main cause of discord with their men who wanted to support Hampton(and many such Blacks for Hampton existed). They also used white women as props to show the virtue of their women and further demonize black women. With that in mind, I hoped that section might explore the way in which that Chivalric self mythology of the Planter Class trickled out and infected the concept of masculinity and men's supposed role in society and relationships and how that very likely has had long lasting impacts on the ways black women and men are able to relate to one another.
Another topic I felt fell rather flat was that of the discussion about fuckboys and the impact of pornography on men at large. She never says it, but a good bit of that conversation alludes to the existence of incels and gooners. I think, especially since I look at this text as a beginner introduction sort of level, those would have been very good to present to the mainstream because there are plenty of people who have never heard of either term. With some more time (and many more pages), those conversations could have been extended to even include some of the sites in which that culture has been built like reddit and 4chan. Perhaps even the topic of groyper accelerationists could have been connected to the inception and creation of magazines like Esquire and Playboy.
I ultimately felt her conclusion, that an intentional cabal of rich men (of many different races) were the linchpins of the degradation of romanticism in modern society was a bit too convenient. I don't think I disagree completely with that idea (see the current Epstein list scandal) but I do feel that things are much more complicated than that conclusion allows for. Of course there are individual players to be weary of, but those people exist because this culture has always existed in one shape or form. And the conversations we're having now about romantic love, about black women and men's relations have existed a lot longer than any of us have been alive. Putting things in historical context in that way is important to know how to step forward both apart and together.
December 28, 2025
#NapFam Bookclub Read
Positives:
A good jumping-off point that can get you to dig deeper into the history of oppression, which further solidifies the truth that there are only class wars.
Adds some fun/horrible terms to the lexicon. The commons, insufficiently white, etc.
The breakdown of Robin Givens' case and use in black men's art was very enlightening. My lightbulb moment was the Kanye West's song "Gold digger". Using "I Got a Woman," by Ray Charles, which touted the man's gold diggery as the base for the new meaning of 'vicious' black women gold digging is genius and scary. He was erasing the original meaning. If the lyrics were the same (she described it as retooled, so I'm gonna say they were) then he wanted Reshawnna Guy (Shawnna) because of the heightened damage she would cause as the daughter of one Buddy Guy!
Negatives:
The chapters are set up to show the origins of terms or a deep history that usually delt with the white majority for about 30% of the chapter. Then, it moves to the updated definitions as warped by the black community (mostly black men) in their bid to grasp some of the power white men have. But the personal relationship anecdote is always with an insufficiently white or white man. When we got an example that involved a black man, it was a connection under the guise of him being interested in her work so he could take advantage of her on the phone so he could beat off.
Some parts of the historical accounts seemed to lead to the class war, but veered off to focus solely on race. But, at the end, there’s one, almost throwaway, line about how the upper class decriminalized r--- to disrupt the uprising of the poor way before race got involved. Giving the men a bit of power to oppress placated them enough to keep the pitchforks away from their doors. Why would we not start with that? Or do a thorough analysis at the end? Showing how the game hasn’t changed, just the terms?
Positives:
A good jumping-off point that can get you to dig deeper into the history of oppression, which further solidifies the truth that there are only class wars.
Adds some fun/horrible terms to the lexicon. The commons, insufficiently white, etc.
The breakdown of Robin Givens' case and use in black men's art was very enlightening. My lightbulb moment was the Kanye West's song "Gold digger". Using "I Got a Woman," by Ray Charles, which touted the man's gold diggery as the base for the new meaning of 'vicious' black women gold digging is genius and scary. He was erasing the original meaning. If the lyrics were the same (she described it as retooled, so I'm gonna say they were) then he wanted Reshawnna Guy (Shawnna) because of the heightened damage she would cause as the daughter of one Buddy Guy!
Negatives:
The chapters are set up to show the origins of terms or a deep history that usually delt with the white majority for about 30% of the chapter. Then, it moves to the updated definitions as warped by the black community (mostly black men) in their bid to grasp some of the power white men have. But the personal relationship anecdote is always with an insufficiently white or white man. When we got an example that involved a black man, it was a connection under the guise of him being interested in her work so he could take advantage of her on the phone so he could beat off.
Some parts of the historical accounts seemed to lead to the class war, but veered off to focus solely on race. But, at the end, there’s one, almost throwaway, line about how the upper class decriminalized r--- to disrupt the uprising of the poor way before race got involved. Giving the men a bit of power to oppress placated them enough to keep the pitchforks away from their doors. Why would we not start with that? Or do a thorough analysis at the end? Showing how the game hasn’t changed, just the terms?
February 24, 2024
Mostly good, longer review later.
Less comprehensive version without good formatting-
Positive:
Academic parts are written accessibly and there is a lot of good research put into it
Memoir parts break it up well
Lots of nuanced niche conversations about complicated and conflicting issues around culture and oppression, misogynoir, pop culture, etc
I really like the term "insufficiently white" and how she uses it.
Mostly has the best parts of secondish wave feminism, mostly without the bad parts. The section about porn I am sure someone will try to call SWERFy but I thought she did well discussing media access and effects without blaming sex workers at all.
Negative: she really should have worked out her sexuality and understanding of trans people more before this bc it's really uncomfortable at times how cringe or offensive some of her assumptions were and are that we didn't need to hear about. Finding out a man you think is attractive is trans doesn't suddenly mean you're not straight unless you think they're not actually men. Also talking about how she used to call trans women men in dresses- you learned, we get it, but we didn't need this confession. Like trans people are very diverse and some are just men and women. You can be straight and attracted to trans people. Her queerness is clearly not about "being attracted to trans people" but that's what she centered which comes off as fetishy.
Less comprehensive version without good formatting-
Positive:
Academic parts are written accessibly and there is a lot of good research put into it
Memoir parts break it up well
Lots of nuanced niche conversations about complicated and conflicting issues around culture and oppression, misogynoir, pop culture, etc
I really like the term "insufficiently white" and how she uses it.
Mostly has the best parts of secondish wave feminism, mostly without the bad parts. The section about porn I am sure someone will try to call SWERFy but I thought she did well discussing media access and effects without blaming sex workers at all.
Negative: she really should have worked out her sexuality and understanding of trans people more before this bc it's really uncomfortable at times how cringe or offensive some of her assumptions were and are that we didn't need to hear about. Finding out a man you think is attractive is trans doesn't suddenly mean you're not straight unless you think they're not actually men. Also talking about how she used to call trans women men in dresses- you learned, we get it, but we didn't need this confession. Like trans people are very diverse and some are just men and women. You can be straight and attracted to trans people. Her queerness is clearly not about "being attracted to trans people" but that's what she centered which comes off as fetishy.
October 30, 2024
If I'm being honest, in my opinion, the book started out strong, but I was left wondering how the later chapters connected with the overall story.
I was taken aback by the historical context of the 'commons' part of the story that Sabrina was able to connect to modern society and make whole. As a millennial, I was introduced to a lot of these patriarchal genres and ideologies far too young. While enriching myself in misogynistic media, I didn't realize the long-term effects it would have on my future endeavors.To be honest, I don't think my feeders did either. From the rhetoric I consumed and regurgitated to the antics I picked up and acted out, I apologize for my exuberant misogynistic actions.
Where I started to get lost and lose interest was in the individuals personal choice of consuming pronographic material and her own sexuality acceptance. I'll leave my opinion at that. All in all, this was a major eye-opening experience that I was glad I took. I'm forever changed and moved by this book, and I hope I continue to check my patriarchal ideology at the pervibral door.
I was taken aback by the historical context of the 'commons' part of the story that Sabrina was able to connect to modern society and make whole. As a millennial, I was introduced to a lot of these patriarchal genres and ideologies far too young. While enriching myself in misogynistic media, I didn't realize the long-term effects it would have on my future endeavors.To be honest, I don't think my feeders did either. From the rhetoric I consumed and regurgitated to the antics I picked up and acted out, I apologize for my exuberant misogynistic actions.
Where I started to get lost and lose interest was in the individuals personal choice of consuming pronographic material and her own sexuality acceptance. I'll leave my opinion at that. All in all, this was a major eye-opening experience that I was glad I took. I'm forever changed and moved by this book, and I hope I continue to check my patriarchal ideology at the pervibral door.
June 10, 2025
I generally agree with/buy the premise of this book, but I felt the chapters were a little eh.
The last chapter was particularly disappointing to me. “We should all be queer” is the antidote to all this? And very little detail or imagination as to what this antidote might look like in practice? No hearkening to historic queer WOC communities, or societies that have rejected the “romantic ideal”?
My favorite chapter was the Jay-z chapter, but admittedly I’m less familiar with all the lore around his rise to fame and notoriety, so for me this was learning all this for the first time.
I do think that IW women experience degrading, disrespectful and fetishistic treatment in the romance department and are expected to accept it, and that it’s rooted in very old roles that have been sustained over centuries by different parties complicit in or directly benefiting from their subjugation of IW women. I just think the execution of this book could have been better, and less cherry picked.
The last chapter was particularly disappointing to me. “We should all be queer” is the antidote to all this? And very little detail or imagination as to what this antidote might look like in practice? No hearkening to historic queer WOC communities, or societies that have rejected the “romantic ideal”?
My favorite chapter was the Jay-z chapter, but admittedly I’m less familiar with all the lore around his rise to fame and notoriety, so for me this was learning all this for the first time.
I do think that IW women experience degrading, disrespectful and fetishistic treatment in the romance department and are expected to accept it, and that it’s rooted in very old roles that have been sustained over centuries by different parties complicit in or directly benefiting from their subjugation of IW women. I just think the execution of this book could have been better, and less cherry picked.
February 7, 2025
I felt like Strings spoke to many of the intimate thoughts of myself and many other black women. It seems as though we all have either experience sexual misconduct ourselves or have a friend/relative who has. I relate heavily to the questioning of the violent rhetoric towards women in hip hop music because it often can be reduced to silly and false misbeliefs (let alone misogynistic). Also, I think the idea of the "commons"/women as sex workers is why many black women may refuse to date interracially, and why the conversation around dating between men and women has become so difficult and often toxic. The real life experiences of black women are often ignored or dismissed, so I do believe this book addresses how this is not a new phenomenon but has been historically the case.
September 8, 2025
The End Of Love outlines the mechanisms, in String's words, "The Romantic Ideal" has corrupted our view of heterosexual romantic relationships. I thoroughly enjoyed this work, it was conversational in nature and jam packed with facts. While this book focuses on primary straight couples, the most interesting was the discussion of how race engages with and exploits women in perpetuating systems of power.
Loved this book completely, a few elements I am still working through in my brain, but all and all a fabulous time!
Loved this book completely, a few elements I am still working through in my brain, but all and all a fabulous time!
July 23, 2025
A very pertinent topic concerning the incompatibility amongst heterosexuals, but the execution could have been better. Strings makes her perspective felt when discussing the influence of hip-hop music, Playboy magazine, and general pushback to the civil rights movement as tools to objectify and denigrate women en masse. There's an abundance of references, but Strings' approach is a little too lax.
March 4, 2024
***These are my random thoughts after finishing the book. Some of the thoughts are an overall review of the book, or any questions/feelings that nagged at me throughout. There will almost definitely be spoilers. Read at your own risk.*** ‐----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.5 stars down
Thoughts to come
3.5 stars down
Thoughts to come
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 25, 2025
solidly interesting but i felt like it kind of went in circles a bit? like i know the whole thesis statement is based off of a specific concept but i wish the chapters had a little bit more individual identity between them, as i thought the topics themselves were interesting just not talked about in the way that i wished it was. idk but i’m glad i read this!!
October 21, 2025
The book was interesting overall and thought-provoking. The analysis on rap music was interesting to me in particular. I didn’t think some of the irl examples were necessary or really contributed to the argument.
March 12, 2024
The author raised some interesting questions and made me ponder the history of romance and dating.
March 17, 2024
Loved this book, great insight for the views of a black woman. Great theory on how sexism towards women of color started and how the introduction of porn further degrades women. Great read!
March 25, 2024
Fascinating insights into today's world of romance, or lack there of. Very eye-opening. The chapters on Black men and their relationship to Black women brought up ALL the emotions. Dang!
April 23, 2024
I enjoyed certain chapters more than others. The Jay-Z chapter was super up my alley, and where it ended was insightful and well built to. A lot of it felt kinda half-baked though.
Read
October 14, 2024Getting and staying married gets harder with every passing day. It may even become impossible.
Read
April 12, 2025Great read
August 29, 2025
DNF I can’t continue because Sabrina seems to be taking quotes out of context to support her overall claim. That’s a dangerous and manipulative thing to do.
October 14, 2025
I love everything Sabrina Strings writes.
March 25, 2024
It wasn't general; it was about marginalized people.
July 14, 2025
class read. so so interesting and well-written. it really emphasizes how pervasive misogynoir is in movies/tv, music, societal expectations of Black women, the way in which Black women are treated in heterosexual relationships, and so many other aspects of American/Western culture. I got to talk to Sabrina Strings about the book during a college class and she is so lovely! 4.5/5 stars.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews