Don't Be So Defensive: Taking the War Out of Our Words With Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

by Sharon Strand Ellison

Demonstrates how to avoid verbal confrontation with nondefensive communication techniques that promote clear, compassionate, and respectful communication without need for power struggles

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Communication, Relationships, Mental Health, Personal Development

284 pages, Hardcover

First published March 1, 1998

About the author

The creator of the Powerful Non-Defensive Communication process, Sharon is dedicated to the belief that learning to comunicate with non-defensive power is a crucial key to our capacity for solving the majority of problems we face at every level — home, work, and community. She brings her cutting-edge theory together with a remarkable ability for demonstrating practical, realistic, life-changing skills. A gifted storyteller, Sharon offers keynotes as well as workshops and other training programs. Her ability to role-play further enhances her clarity and enlivens her presentations. Sharon inspires audiences by modeling what she teaches with honesty, humor, and integrity.

Reviews

[Kate Savage · Rating 4 out of 5]

It doesn’t matter that it has a stupid title and an irrational founding cosmology: these are great communication techniques. This book goes far beyond the generic 'I-statements' and 'active listening' ideas that you already know: you'll be surprised, and you'll learn something. At the core of Ellison's ideas are things they should have taught me in grade school instead of teaching contrition: what a real question looks like, and how to ask it without sounding pushy; how to make a vulnerable and honest statement about your feelings while still protecting your boundaries; how to stop using rhetoric to try to persuade someone else, and instead make careful predictions about how you will respond to their choices.

But before all of this, Ellison goes through the communication techniques that she labels as defensive: all the clever ways we’ve developed to ‘win’ a conversation. You’re guaranteed to feel defensive reading this. She even pegged my penchant to ask so many questions you never have to reveal anything about yourself as just another form of evasion and withdrawal.

‘But,’ I sometimes thought, ‘aren’t there times for evasion and withdrawal? Aren’t there times for a well-honed attack?’ I still think there probably are. There are surely people we need to escape and people who deserve a tongue-lashing. But when I think carefully about my own conflicts, I concede: all of these would be better served by powerful non-defensive communication than they would be by that great zinger that’ll really show ‘em . . .

The writing style is bland, but comes with this benefit: most of the time, Ellison takes her idea seriously that one shouldn't attempt to use rhetoric to persuade someone to think like them. This means she avoids a lot of the cheap tricks other self-help-ish authors use to make you like them and think like them (which is one of the central ingredients of 'smarm').

A note on cosmology: Ellison presents the idea that non-defensiveness is a new step in some kind of teleologically-oriented evolutionary path. Obviously this is not how evolution works. And speaking of science: all of her examples are drawn from personal experience and anecdotes shared by others -- the book doesn’t contain any scholarly work about different communication styles and the general consequences.

Even with this, I would highly recommend that others read the book, or spend some time on www.pndc.com and start using these techniques.

[Jo Rhett]

I actually prefer the presentation of the topic in Non-Violent Communication much better, but this is a very good book for practical exercises and very plain language approach.

[Teresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very powerful tools & eyeopeners that can help nearly anyone be more concise, effective and neutral in potentially adversarial situations.

Includes real life scenarios to help solidify techniques in the reader's mind, helping to cement the skills learned so they become more natural and automatic.

[Robynn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I should be scoring this higher as I did take away some learning from the book, but there is something that seems dated by it. There are good examples of conversations or situations that are role played out. I guess the dated part are the gender stereotypes in the examples.

[Danielle Thai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Only about a third of the way through, but an incredibly insightful way of reconsidering how we talk and relate to others. I will probably read and re-read this one a few times.

[Dax · Rating 5 out of 5]

I took a long time to read this book. Pausing to ruminate and pontificate on much of what was covered. It always amazes me as I read books like this that communication is not something we're ever truly taught in school. Much of what we are taught is circumstantial and deeply informative to how we interact and react to others. Ellison spoke to the ways in which we're taught language and communication through a "war model" and I can not agree more. As I was reading through this and as I work through NVC as well, I am learning just how much of what I considered nonconfrontation language and actual feelings I was/am using simply are not that at all. I spent much time highlighting what I found to be profound and worth coming back to and I KNOW this book will be one that I continually reference and work through.

[Mai-Lin Graves · Rating 5 out of 5]

So like more than half of the population, I never had a lesson on what effective, clear, and non-defensive communication looked like. Now? I’m obsessed with learning as many non-defensive communication models as possible. This book found me at a time where I was in conflict with someone I love. It helped us work through our conflict and the communication skills I learned from it have stuck with me ever since. There is a power in being curious and asking as many questions as possible, something I was shamed for as a child. Radically sharing your perspective without placing blame, shame, or guilt on another is freeing and opens up more possibility. Clearly setting boundaries is necessary for the growth(or not) of all our relationships. We can trust ourselves when we learn the power of clear, direct, honest, and compassionate communication. I have become much more intentional about my communication since I finished this book and it is still a book I return to when I run into conflict. A communication bible if you will

[Evelyn Hadden · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very useful guide for how to practice nonviolent communication in everyday life. The first half explains many familiar situations where our use of words creates barriers between us and other people: apologies that aren't really apologies, compliments that aren't compliments, arguments no one can win, jokes that cast blame, questions that make the other person feel interrogated, and so on. The second half is all about how to be curious without making assumptions, giving detailed instructions for coming up with questions we can ask that will encourage the other person to open up and share information, and statements we can make that will reveal ourselves, so we can deepen our connections to each other without judging.

[Ecaterina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life-changing book alert! Excellent how-to manual change your way of communication that allows you to exercise your own agency and get out of the power struggle. I've read many books talking about setting up healthy boundaries but don't teach you how to do so. This book does even though its focus is on not letting yourself fall into the fruitless "I'm right, you're wrong" dynamic that is underneath most conflicts. In fact, it teaches you how to speak your truth in a way that is ultimately disarming and empowering. Highly recommend it to anyone tired of being stuck in conversations that go nowhere.

[FARSHAD · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first half of the book was immensely fascinating to me. When it came to non-violent communication style, the book suddenly adopted a totally linguistic outlook from its psychological view. I just wish Sharon could help people fix the psychological underpinnings of their violent communication style rather than asking them to phrase questions/statements in a another fashion. Sounds very superficial to me.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not magically cured, but this book provided some useful strategies. It's all about prevent escalations, staying calm and being able to calm others. I'm not known for my calming influence, but I'm working on it.

[Chrissy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish we'd all read this

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

My rating is not based on the quality of the information in this book, which is outstanding, but on the difficulty in reading it. The first half focuses on the author's theory, and although it is important to understand that in order to appreciate the value of the techniques, it's rather dry. I found myself only getting through a few pages at a sitting, and setting the book aside for weeks while I read something else. That mentioned, the second half, which describes how to incorporate her method into everyday discussions, has lots of intriguing ideas. Again, though, I found it hard to get through many pages at a sitting. I'd read a paragraph, then stop to think about how I could use the information she'd provided in a situation I was facing. Her process is quite empowering, allowing for respectful disagreement without attacking the other party. It's really about clarifying the communication so people think more about what they are saying and why. How often have we misinterpreted someone's comment and taken offense, when a simple clarifying statement would assure us that they'd selected the wrong word, or had misread a situation? Ellison's book teaches us how to reconnect and communicate more effectively. I only wish it hadn't felt like I was reading a college textbook.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this after reading a recommendation from someone I don't know to a friend who was in a tough spot with her pre-teen, as I really liked the sound of the subtitle, and it definitely delivers on its promise. Even before I finished reading I already felt more empowered in my relationships, and in a way that also empowers the other person: "Each of us who wishes to make a change in the use of our energy can simply begin to speak and listen non-defensively. Every time we do, we change how we use our own power. Interacting non-defensively, not bound in a struggle to gain control over someone else, we may find the other person more willing to disarm than we could have imagined." The writing is so clear and thoughtful that I was able to immediately recognize myself in the descriptions of defensive communication, but in a way that I was open to--even eager for--change, rather than feeling increasingly defensive or dismissive as I often do when reading this style of "self-help" book. I'm not sure why Ellison hasn't become hugely famous, at least in the non-violence circles in which I tend to run.

[Kathy Sloan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has a lot great information and I recommend it with a bit of caution that it reads like a text book. I found the book to be very heavy with theory and while there were examples of the different techniques those examples were a bit hard to relate to. That may be just my personal take. I will definitely apply some techniques Ellison described and can see myself referring back to the book often.

[Gail · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like Non-Violent Communication, an excellent self-help guide to saying things in a way that allows you to be heard, without creating a defensive reaction. A good read if you and another are constantly revisiting the same conflicts. Clean up your side of things and you'll know if the relationship is viable.

[Dolphin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very helpful for changing your mindset through effective and nondefensive communication. It focuses on the three main formats of communication: questions, statements, and predictions, and gives you formats for effectively communicating your thoughts to the other person. Even better, you can actually apply these strategies to your communication with others.

[Vincent Lombardo · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was not the book for me. I wanted to know what makes people defensive and how to overcome defensiveness. Ellison focuses on changing communication styles to avoid or deescalate situations where people can get defensive. I did not learn anything to help me stop being defensive.

[Z.K. · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolute page-turner. I wish I was aware of these techniques before. If people adapt them in their everyday life, we would live in a totally different world without experiencing power struggle. I would recommend this book to anyone.

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Each time I read it felt like therapy. I don't know what I was expecting exactly, but it touched on topics like vulnerability and honesty in unexpected but tangible ways.

I think most humans will benefit from its reading.

[Cinoma Bronhill · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful book for communication techniques, especially for those of us who have a tendency to let emotions take over. Ask questions, make sure both of you understand all sides of the conflict and the outcomes, rather than go on the attack, seems to be key.

[Sarah Schuelke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book to help you have better communications with others.

[Ot · Rating 4 out of 5]

Vol met behulpzame tips die oprecht helpen met communicatie; op het einde alleen wat vage verwijzingen naar energie

[Mark Guadagni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being able to communicate in a non-defensive way is a very difficult, but invaluable skill--in relationships, work, family friends.

The book starts with helping recognize Six Defensive Reactions, sadly I realized I did a lots of these:

Surrender
>Surrender-Betray: Co-dependent personality type, Giving into someone who treats you poorly, blaming yourself, and making excuses for the person
>Surrender-Sabotage: Passive-aggressive personality type, Pretending to agree with someone who you think is treating you poorly and then doing something to undermine the person.
Withdraw
>Withdraw-Escape: Passive personality type:
Avoiding talking about something to avoid conflict
Counter Attack
>Responding to criticism by explaining your behavior or attacking their position to defend yourself.

The book then moves into the 8 skills of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication:
>Question: Asking clarifying questions--in a non defensive tone (tone is huge)--such as the content or process of the situation. Example "How do you feel when I come home late on a night when it's my turn to make dinner?" "Do you believe it means I don't care about you if I don't call?"

>Statements: Describe what you hear their message is. Describe your feelings? Describe what you perceive as the cause or motivation for the other persons actions.

>Predictions: Tell the person how you will respond to various choices he or she might make in a given situation. Using if-Then Statements.

Example: "Are you willing not to push me when I am in a bad mood and don't feel like talking? If you don't trust I will talk to you after I think things through for a little while, then I believe it will be hard for you to stop pressuring me. If you can trust that I will talk to you after I work through my feelings a little bit, I think it would be easier for you to stop trying to control whether I talk immediately or not. "

It's important not to use these If-Then statements as threats. The book has plenty of examples and warning how to to use these tools.

Very powerful book, well worth the read.

[Ren Morton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book radically changed my life, and as an avid reader of self-help, I do not say that lightly.

The book opens by talking about how we experience defensiveness when we are hurt by interactions- do we withdraw, sabotage, become sugary compliant? Um, yes. All of it, at different times, with different people. All I could think was, "yes! That's what I'm feeling! Yes, that's what I'm doing! This is me- my entire life!"

But after explaining the 6 types of withdrawing, she launches into how to do it differently- how to stand up for yourself and disagree without your conversation or relationship becoming a war zone. I was left thinking that I really needed these tools and skills in high school and maybe I would be different now as an adult!

I began to practice slowly- using the new tools on myself with my internal narrative and then in close relationships where the risk was low. As I gained more confidence, I was able to use them at work, transforming patterns of behavior that had been reeling for months and years. I was even able to change patterns in my own behavior that I have been wrestling with for over five years.

I have never felt so much like my authentic self as I do now after practicing these tools.

I wish everyone would read this book- because maybe then the horrible violence we enact on one another in everyday conversation would come to an end and we would all be more satisfied with the quality of our relationships.

[Marley · Rating 4 out of 5]

It started out a bit slow as the first few chapters contained a lot of examples of poor communication. Early on, I got frustrated and found myself talking back, "Yes, I already know how to get into arguments and passive-aggressive battles, thank you." However, after that it picked up with positive examples of the author's recommended communication styles.

I still question whether I'll be able to put all of it to use. It's very hard to switch modes and even imagine not slipping into defensive mode by habit in some cases. At times, the author seems overly optimistic that everyone is motivated to work together to find common ground, so I could almost feel myself growing more defensive as I continued to read, thinking, "But what about the jerks who really are out to get you?" Although I believe she acknowledged at one point that it was best to be honest and non-defensive up front so that, if it didn't work, you knew who you could cut out of your life guilt-free. And it's interesting to think about how often we prolong our suffering by sending mixed messages in a relationship because we are often not only defensive in the obvious ways, we also don't want to be seen as the bad guy so we defend our reputations by adding "Of course I trust you" or "Of course I still want to be friends" et cetera rather than admit our concerns.

I think I need to ponder all of it and then perhaps re-read it in the future.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

REQUIRED

[Tandava Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent description of how much of our communication defaults to adversarial patterns, and how we can change that by being non-defensive (which, perhaps surprisingly, actually lets us stand up for ourselves more often and more effectively).

My one quibble is that, while it mentions the need to actually FEEL more neutral, non-defensive, curious, etc., in order to convey the words effectively, it doesn't speak much about how to get to that point. I believe our consciousness affects our words more than vice versa, and so my feeling is that this book would be most effective when paired with regular meditation or a similar mindfulness-inducing practice. But I'm sure some people probably need to come at it from the words first, and use that as something to aim for in their state of mind.

In what it does cover, this book is very thorough, clear, and practical, with many examples ranging across many different types of situations. There should be something here to address virtually any communication situation you're likely to run into.

[Full disclosure: I was given a copy of this by the author at a recent conference, but not with the expectation of a review.]

[Alessandra Bassi · Rating 5 out of 5]

First there is the review in Italian then the English one –
Prima c'è la recensione in italiano poi quella in inglese


5
Consiglio vivamente di leggere questo libro. L'ho trovato straordinariamente interessante e mi pare incredibile che non sia stato tradotto in italiano.
Ci introduce al tema dei conflitti con un approccio controintuitivo: la guerra prima di tutto è dentro di noi, nelle nostre parole e nelle nostre paure.



5
I highly recommend reading this book. I found it extraordinarily interesting and I cannot believe it has not been translated into Italian.
It introduces us to the topic of conflict with a counterintuitive approach: war is first and foremost within us, in our words and our fears.

[Al Maki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ellison's starting point is the idea that most person to person verbal communication unconsciously assumes that we need to defend our self from the other party, resulting in conflict and often deadlock. She has clearly been working on this for a long time and has developed a fairly comprehensive set of techniques for a more open, but at the same time, non-threatening style of talking. The book does a good job of presenting her ideas and methods. Based on my own experience, most of us would benefit from understanding and applying her ideas.