What do you think?
Rate this book
What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know about Women, Dating and Relationships
Positive, practical and realistic, this book offers everything men with Asperger Syndrome (AS) need to know about women and relationships. Many AS men are totally confused and bewildered by women, dating and relationships and find it hard to know what to do, what to say and how to get it right. For these men, understanding the emotional side to relationships and women's needs can be a complete mystery and they often get it disastrously wrong. This practical handbook provides all the answers to Asperger men's frequently asked questions about women, dating and relationships, helping them to better understand the way relationships work and increasing their confidence and ability to have successful relationships. This comprehensive handbook is essential reading for men with Asperger Syndrome (and their partners). It will also be of considerable use to counsellors and other professionals working with such individuals.
208 pages, Paperback
First published July 1, 2012
28 people are currently reading
84 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
October 1, 2013
Each of the 41 chapters of this book is a question, and each chapter is the answer to that question. I would imagine that many people who read this book don’t alreadly know the answers to these questions and are reading the book to discover the answers. I am pretty sure that I already knew nearly all of the answers to these questions, but I still found this book to be incredibly valuable.
Before reading this book or knowing of its existence, not only had I spent an inordinate amount of time and mental energy asking myself these very questions and figuring out the answers to them, but literally, on a daily basis, I ask myself these questions and need to cogitate about the answers to them in order to force myself to act like (or pretend to be?) a so-called “normal” person. When I first looked at the table of contents of this book, I had the bizarre feeling that this book contained the answers to the exact questions I was looking for the answers to. As I read this book, I had the odd but incredibly reassuring feeling that the author knew exactly what I was thinking and was telling me exactly what I needed to hear.
So I again contemplate the sentence in the section of the DSM-5 describing the diagnostic features of autism spectrum disorder, which states: “Adults who have developed compensation strategies for some social challenges still . . . suffer from the effort and anxiety of consciously calculating what is socially intuitive for most individuals.”
Effort and anxiety are effort and anxiety; but what makes a person actually “suffer” is a belief one has an incorrigible character flaw. It really helps to read that this author has literally met thousands of people with essentially the same thoughts and feelings going through their minds and does not believe that they are at fault for not being able to intuit the answers to these questions.
Since I am not English, I also found it reassuring that my thoughts and feelings are not entirely culture-specific; rather, the author is describing an aspect of human nature that crosses international boundaries.
I was not previously aware of the condition known as alexithymia, but after reading this book I’m very interested in learning more about it.
I really want to know how many other men who have never been thought of as having “Asperger Syndrome” would find this book of questions and answers as compelling as I did.
Before reading this book or knowing of its existence, not only had I spent an inordinate amount of time and mental energy asking myself these very questions and figuring out the answers to them, but literally, on a daily basis, I ask myself these questions and need to cogitate about the answers to them in order to force myself to act like (or pretend to be?) a so-called “normal” person. When I first looked at the table of contents of this book, I had the bizarre feeling that this book contained the answers to the exact questions I was looking for the answers to. As I read this book, I had the odd but incredibly reassuring feeling that the author knew exactly what I was thinking and was telling me exactly what I needed to hear.
So I again contemplate the sentence in the section of the DSM-5 describing the diagnostic features of autism spectrum disorder, which states: “Adults who have developed compensation strategies for some social challenges still . . . suffer from the effort and anxiety of consciously calculating what is socially intuitive for most individuals.”
Effort and anxiety are effort and anxiety; but what makes a person actually “suffer” is a belief one has an incorrigible character flaw. It really helps to read that this author has literally met thousands of people with essentially the same thoughts and feelings going through their minds and does not believe that they are at fault for not being able to intuit the answers to these questions.
Since I am not English, I also found it reassuring that my thoughts and feelings are not entirely culture-specific; rather, the author is describing an aspect of human nature that crosses international boundaries.
I was not previously aware of the condition known as alexithymia, but after reading this book I’m very interested in learning more about it.
I really want to know how many other men who have never been thought of as having “Asperger Syndrome” would find this book of questions and answers as compelling as I did.
September 29, 2014
I had read
Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs
, also by Maxine Aston, about a year ago, and, while I found it more-or-less quite helpful in examining my romantic relationships of the past (and why they didn't last) through the lens of Asperger's, it wasn't a perfect volume, and overall it felt as if Asperger's were a relatively new diagnosis, which, to be fair, it was at the time Aston wrote it.
But in 2014, the concept of and awareness of Asperger's is much different—more widespread and acceptable, for lack of better terminology—and even popular media shows people with Asperger's as having more-or-less successful romantic relationships (I'm thinking Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler on "The Big Bang Theory"), with the Aspie partner or partners being basically accepted, quirks and all, on their own terms.
Which is why I found What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships just so enlightening and helpful for the future. When my last relationship dissolved in divorce, I was unaware that I had Asperger's, and to some extent the subsequent knowledge that I had it colored subsequent attempts at forming romantic relationships. But in reading What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships, not only did I feel, several times, as if Aston spoke directly to my personal experience (and not just with the woman with whom I got a divorce, but to all previous and later relationships as well), but I also recognized just how difficult I must have been—and still am—to live with as an Aspie. This realization helped me come to terms with my romantic failures and resolve to do much, much better in the future. Aston is crystal clear that mutual acceptance, knowledge, and understanding of Asperger's and Aspies' limitations, as well as of the psychonormal partner's role in such diverse relationships, and with that knowledge comes the power to do better and change for the better.
With What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know etc., I have an immediate reference I can show any potential future partner, and I can succeed where I haven't in the past. This volume is an excellent reference for self-help and -improvement, and an invaluable tool as well, to all those who want to try to improve their interpersonal relationships.
But in 2014, the concept of and awareness of Asperger's is much different—more widespread and acceptable, for lack of better terminology—and even popular media shows people with Asperger's as having more-or-less successful romantic relationships (I'm thinking Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler on "The Big Bang Theory"), with the Aspie partner or partners being basically accepted, quirks and all, on their own terms.
Which is why I found What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships just so enlightening and helpful for the future. When my last relationship dissolved in divorce, I was unaware that I had Asperger's, and to some extent the subsequent knowledge that I had it colored subsequent attempts at forming romantic relationships. But in reading What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships, not only did I feel, several times, as if Aston spoke directly to my personal experience (and not just with the woman with whom I got a divorce, but to all previous and later relationships as well), but I also recognized just how difficult I must have been—and still am—to live with as an Aspie. This realization helped me come to terms with my romantic failures and resolve to do much, much better in the future. Aston is crystal clear that mutual acceptance, knowledge, and understanding of Asperger's and Aspies' limitations, as well as of the psychonormal partner's role in such diverse relationships, and with that knowledge comes the power to do better and change for the better.
With What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know etc., I have an immediate reference I can show any potential future partner, and I can succeed where I haven't in the past. This volume is an excellent reference for self-help and -improvement, and an invaluable tool as well, to all those who want to try to improve their interpersonal relationships.
July 16, 2025
A lot of the same masculine/feminine differences we’ve read about in other material are brought up in here. In one of those other readings, AS was described as extreme maleness, so that makes sense and seems like it could exacerbate the problems and misunderstandings that already occur between men and women. It would be interesting to know which parts of this book seem relatable.
July 17, 2025
Very revealing. Things that resonated
Misreading whether someone likes me. Romance vs just friends
If I like her, she must like me. She must be explicit
Uncertainty in how a woman feels takes a mental toll
Explains why non sexual touch is so powerful
Take rejection very personally
End of day conversation. But she's my refuge
Lying as a way to avoid confrontation
Misreading whether someone likes me. Romance vs just friends
If I like her, she must like me. She must be explicit
Uncertainty in how a woman feels takes a mental toll
Explains why non sexual touch is so powerful
Take rejection very personally
End of day conversation. But she's my refuge
Lying as a way to avoid confrontation
July 3, 2019
OMG Aston's gender stereotypes & generalizations made me want to throw this book out the window (except it was from the library and I don't disrespect books like that).
Yes, the chapters were organized in helpful ways and addressed a number of real-life topics. Yes, a lot of good practical advice & tips were given. But oh-my-goodness were so many of the reasonings for "why she might be ____" unashamedly based on arguments like "women are naturally nurturing & maternal." YUCK. Anytime I thought some advice seemed solid, Aston would throw in a sentence like that and make things completely irrelevant to me.
This book would work well for more traditional cis-het couples, but definitely not for everyone.
Yes, the chapters were organized in helpful ways and addressed a number of real-life topics. Yes, a lot of good practical advice & tips were given. But oh-my-goodness were so many of the reasonings for "why she might be ____" unashamedly based on arguments like "women are naturally nurturing & maternal." YUCK. Anytime I thought some advice seemed solid, Aston would throw in a sentence like that and make things completely irrelevant to me.
This book would work well for more traditional cis-het couples, but definitely not for everyone.
January 30, 2015
I think the only thing this book didn't cover is how to bring up AS to someone you've started dating. Is there a companion volume "So you're dating someone with Asperger's Syndrome and they've handed you this book: what to expect now?"
That aside.... Yeah. This, among other things, might be what's wrong (different?) with me. A lot of the scenarios described in this book were almost exactly how my relationships have played out. Or didn't.
That aside.... Yeah. This, among other things, might be what's wrong (different?) with me. A lot of the scenarios described in this book were almost exactly how my relationships have played out. Or didn't.
November 11, 2019
As a male Aspie married to a very NS woman, I found this book extremely insightful. For me it provided clear explanations for why she and I interpret the same set of events in very different ways, and the problems that this difference often produces.
As far as I’m concerned Maxine Aston’s descriptions of how men with Asperger’s see and react to common problematic situations within relationships was remarkably accurate (although, of course, I didn’t identify with everything). As a result, and knowing her to be a NS woman, I assumed that her views on the ”other side of the argument” would also be “accurate”.
However, in common with quite a few reviewers here, my wife disagreed, thinking that Ms Aston’s portrayal of the female viewpoint was somewhat stereotypical, outdated and condescending.
Of course, this leaves me with a problem. On the one hand I see an author who clearly understands how autistic men think (in my Aspie opinion), whose description of how non-spectrum women view the same events/situations makes complete sense to me and my experience, but is incorrect in the opinion of at least a number of NS women, including my wife!
Unfortunately I am not qualified to judge whether she is correct about NS women.
As far as I’m concerned Maxine Aston’s descriptions of how men with Asperger’s see and react to common problematic situations within relationships was remarkably accurate (although, of course, I didn’t identify with everything). As a result, and knowing her to be a NS woman, I assumed that her views on the ”other side of the argument” would also be “accurate”.
However, in common with quite a few reviewers here, my wife disagreed, thinking that Ms Aston’s portrayal of the female viewpoint was somewhat stereotypical, outdated and condescending.
Of course, this leaves me with a problem. On the one hand I see an author who clearly understands how autistic men think (in my Aspie opinion), whose description of how non-spectrum women view the same events/situations makes complete sense to me and my experience, but is incorrect in the opinion of at least a number of NS women, including my wife!
Unfortunately I am not qualified to judge whether she is correct about NS women.
December 11, 2023
I finally know why I was finding it so difficult to "own my ADHD/Autism"
"Everything seemed OK until they returned home, when Mary went absolutely mad at him, saying she would never ever take him anywhere again and that she had never felt so humiliated in her life. John said he could not get a word in edgeways and felt he was being attacked by her without justification. He could only assume she just needed an excuse to cause an altercation with him so she could vent all her frustration and anger. He said they had hardly spoken since and feels he is being punished for having AS."
"Everything seemed OK until they returned home, when Mary went absolutely mad at him, saying she would never ever take him anywhere again and that she had never felt so humiliated in her life. John said he could not get a word in edgeways and felt he was being attacked by her without justification. He could only assume she just needed an excuse to cause an altercation with him so she could vent all her frustration and anger. He said they had hardly spoken since and feels he is being punished for having AS."
November 1, 2023
The author has provided an entry level workbook for Men with Asperger Syndrome.
If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with AS by a licensed professional, then this book will be a good starting point to develop relationships. It is not an in depth look into AS or relationships.
Why the three star rating? There are a few stereotype references and in my opinion degrading statements towards AS men. Much of what the author has to say can be applied to any relationship so there is plenty to wade through to find the parts that apply to you.
If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with AS by a licensed professional, then this book will be a good starting point to develop relationships. It is not an in depth look into AS or relationships.
Why the three star rating? There are a few stereotype references and in my opinion degrading statements towards AS men. Much of what the author has to say can be applied to any relationship so there is plenty to wade through to find the parts that apply to you.
September 4, 2017
Practical in its advice but can be a little condescending if read by it's target audience.
I am not the audience, but the 'target' of the target audience and found most of the advice to be accurate and mitigating as opposed to critical.
My OH Did not agree and I made him sad by sharing my experience of the events listed.
Fair warning to giving this as a gift or pushing this on a loved one you think might benefit from it- check the tone.
I am not the audience, but the 'target' of the target audience and found most of the advice to be accurate and mitigating as opposed to critical.
My OH Did not agree and I made him sad by sharing my experience of the events listed.
Fair warning to giving this as a gift or pushing this on a loved one you think might benefit from it- check the tone.
August 5, 2024
A significant improvement on the her work from 2005 (For normal people, the 2005 work is still of value to psychologists/counsellors/etc) - This takes more of an advice/guide format and has the potential to save a lot of autistic people from getting into trouble (Or guiding them back out of trouble). It reads in a positive way that is less liable to be depressive in nature.
I'm glad I don't possess a few of the behaviours talked about in the book regardless, though (For instance, never had a meltdown, so far as I'm aware).
I'm glad I don't possess a few of the behaviours talked about in the book regardless, though (For instance, never had a meltdown, so far as I'm aware).
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews