22 Things a Woman with Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know

by Rudy Simone

Rudy Simone covers 22 common areas of confusion for someone dating a female with AS and includes advice from her own experience and from other partners in real relationships. She talks with humour and honesty about the quirks and sensitivities that you may come across when getting to know your partner. All the pivotal relationship landmarks are discussed, including the first date, sex, and even having children.

This entertaining and easy-to-read book will be ideal for anyone dating, or in a relationship with, an AS female. Women with AS themselves, and their families and friends, will also enjoy the book and find it useful. Counsellors and other professionals working with women with AS will find the insight offered extremely enlightening.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Mental Health, Relationships, Aspergers

142 pages, Paperback

First published March 15, 2012

About the author

Rudy Simone is an Aspergirl, writer, speaker and AS consultant. She is the author of 22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome and Aspergirls. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, California.

Reviews

[Laveena · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a 39 year old twice divorced female who cried happy, cathartic tears throughout this entire book, and felt like I'd ran a marathon after I was done.

My whole turbulent life I knew I was different, had diagnoses of depression, anxiety, bipolar but never did well with or stayed long on medication. A few years ago I lived with a trained therapist who recognized I had Aspergers. But I tried to read the book I was given on Aspergers and it was too laden with geek speak plus it was about kids; wasn't really interested in it so I didn't pursue it further. When I'd told my family I had Aspergers I was met with disbelief or indifference. I generally ignored the label though it seemed to explain some things others didn't make sense and just went on pursuing my interests; namely Human Design.

Recently I wanted to not be labeled with this so I took some self assessment tests. I took one 5 times just to be sure and every time it was heavily in the Autism spectrum range. I had no idea that there were so many factors that explained my quirks and issues! So I got on Amazon to find a book to understand myself. Because of the rave reviews and the price (someone was selling a used one via Prime so I got it cheap and fast!) I happened to get this one first.

OMG!!!!!! I wish I'd known this when I was younger! But reading this now made so much of my life and what's happened in it make so much sense. I can't recommend this book highly enough!!! Get it. I'm going through it again to take notes and plan on getting more books by the author as soon as I can since they look like they can help me understand this further.

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book about ASDs I should have given my partner, not the fairly awful one I found early on. If you're autistic and want help explaining what that means to your partner, this book will help. Read it yourself so you can point out where it doesn't apply to you, because we're all at least a little different on the spectrum.

If you're not on the autism spectrum but are partnered to, or interested in, a woman who is, this book will help you know what you're getting into. And it will save you a lot of wasted effort and heart ache.

This book is going high up on my recommended reading list.

[Maxine (Booklover Catlady) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I grabbed this book off my shelf to lend to a friend and decided to read it again and re-review it. I first read and wrote a review in 2017.

This book can be a relationship changer. I can't recommend it highly enough for couples where a woman with Aspergers/Autism is with a Neurotypical (non-Autistic) partner. It’s ideal to read together then discuss.

I was diagnosed late in life (age 43, I'm now 51) which had its own challenges but also explained SO much about my life to that point. I first read this book alone - nodding my head and exclaiming "Oh my God, I do that!" a lot then read it with my partner. He also said things like "Oh my God, you do that!"

It was so good to have simplistic explanations as the book is not written with psychobabble. I understood why I did certain things, how I was wired and we both realised a lot about me. We both also realised that Aspergers was just a part of who I was. Nothing to be afraid of or worry about. I was still me.

My son who is now 24 was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 7 (along with ADHD, learning disabilities and dyspraxia) and it was Rudy’s website that first showed me that it’s SO different in women and males. This is why so many women are having late life diagnostic surprises as for a long time it was thought to only impact males!

I worked as a Job Coach for young adults with Autism and other disabilities and the differences between all were incredible. You cannot stereotype someone with Autism. I run the largest group on Facebook for women with Autism in the U.K. (just over 3000 now!) and they are aged 18-75 and are all so unique (I’m writing a book sharing many of their voices to showcase that not one is like another).

Sadly so many people out there judge Autistic people. There is a range on the Autism Spectrum and it’s still incredibly misunderstood despite a huge amount of forward leaps for sure.

It's just a book I feel any woman should read who is on the autism spectrum - even if not in a current relationship and certainly brilliant for partners who want to understand more. I found it to be an accurate portrayal of how life can be for an Aspie in a relationship. We had some laughs reading some moments too. Enjoyable reading!

I also recommend it to anybody wanting to understand a friend or family member with Aspergers too.

Rudy also wrote a book with a similar title for men with Aspergers, this one being for their partner to understand them. Sadly due to many factors she is no longer a major voice in the Autistic community but her books are still of huge value. She has a few out there so worth a look.

Don't miss this one! One you'll want to own and re-read over and over. 5 stars.

Thanks so much for reading my review! If you’d like to connect you can follow me or please send me a friend request. 🐱

She needs books and cats like others need air to live.

[Steamy Shortwing · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm on the spectrum and had high hopes for this book. This book pigeon holed women on the spectrum (it uses Asperger's as kind of a catch all term, which I don't mind) and attempts to deflect criticism by using words like "Maybe" instead of actually approaching the subject in the nuanced multi faceted way it deserves.

There's a short section in the beginning giving advice to a prospective partner of an aspergirl (the short hand the book uses) and it's extremely infantilizing.

Stating that the prospective partner must tell the aspergirl when and where they're going (which sounds like common decency for a first or even third date).

To check the weather and inform the aspergirl of it.

And to make sure to pick a restaurant that doesn't have a lot of choices, saying a Chinese restaurant with a lot of choices is a bad idea for an aspergirl.

Lots of women on the spectrum manage with the weather and choices at a restaurant just fine. It's not necessarily a good thing to assist a woman on the spectrum (or any woman really) with these things. It's operating under an assumption that she can't manage these things on her own, or that she'd appreciate assistance with these things. Which again, is a broad generalization and may in fact backfire.

The book later makes a broad generalization that women on the spectrum don't like makeup or designer bags or maintaining a more "feminine" appearance. This leads into the stereotype that you can "look" autistic. The book could have easily made its next point, which was about how being with an aspergirl comes with it's own unique challenges, without the subtle dig at women who enjoy looking a certain way and buying certain things.

Autistic people deal with enough of that, there is no reason to enable the perpetration of putting other women down to uplift another group of women.

The book suggests the partner basically be a free therapist for the aspergirl. That is no one's responsibility and definitely not a task a partner should put upon themselves because a book said so.

The book suggests multiple manipulation tactics under the guise of helping. To engage in ways that supposedly helps the aspergirl see the error of her ways while not being upfront with her about what behavior the partner is trying to change.

The book assumes and generalizes faults of partners and women on the spectrum. Uses stereotypes to make its points, and uses words like "Maybe" without providing nuance to justify shielding criticism by hedging it's bets.

[Belle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Hated the writing and all the stereotypes and assumptions made.

[Cherry · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was recommended to me by someone at work and it is hard for me to stop myself going back and blasting them for having recommended something so crappy. So instead I'm writing a review here, even though I kind of would like to just pretend I never read it. I am shocked that it has such good reviews.

This is written in a conversational tone, but that doesn't make it any easier to read, it just makes it harder to take seriously. This book reflects some very outdated ideals of relationships (why is the author assuming that the man is working and the woman is sitting at home waiting by the door?) as well as being very dated on the science mentioned. There are a lot of unsupportable assumptions and conflations made.

[Danielle Sullivan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I sort of loved and hated this book. It's written in the style of a memoir, and the author mentions interviews she's done with autistic women and partners of autistic women for a different book she wrote, but she doesn't actually quote any of those people verbatim in this book. She just sort of summarizes her own experience and maybe the experiences of those other women into these generalizations about what autistic women want and do and feel. It ends up being really annoying because for as many times as I felt recognized by her experience and advice, there were an equal number of other times where I felt like her experience completely did not match mine, or her strengths are opposite of mine, and it can feel dismissive. But I'm glad that there are now multiple books written by autistic women about autistic women's experience out there, though of course more diversity is still necessary.

[Charley · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book to see if it was worth giving my partner. It's only meh. Very quick read. She covers some major issues but it's very assumptive and places most of the work upon the NT. That's not fair and needs more illustration on how to have better conversations about behaviors/feelings for both partners. If you're really struggling, I would suggest doing much more research, going to couples therapy, not this flimsy book.

Also what about two ASD together? That's my relationship. It's only written for NTs. Didn't cover contemporary relationships either. And I had issue with her always using Aspergirl (which I get it was published in 2012, so a bit dated).

[Nettie Farris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rudy Simone makes more sense than anyone on Earth. She's the first author I've read that has even mentioned menopause and autism. I'd like to give this book to every person I know. However, reading this book, I occasionally get the impression that having a relationship with an Aspergirl just isn't worth it. Surely I'm not this high maintenance. And why 22 things? Why not 24? An even 2 dozen might make me feel more comfortable.

[Kathy Bowman · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting read with a lot of good information. I thought many of her points were very helpful, although at times it seemed she was giving a free pass and putting the onus of the relationship directly on the shoulders of the partner. There was a lot of underlining and highlighting, which means that clearly it was hitting a chord.

I got the feeling that parts of it were just her opinion based solely on personal experience. If you listen to Tony Attwood, he will give different ways Asperger's will present itself in a woman depending on her personality, and the same trigger can lead to enormously different responses. Simone seemed to present the results as a single form of expression, which isn't necessary accurate.

When Simone comes out with a statement like this, "I think the low muscles tone contributes to a youthful appearance--it takes years before we get those rubbery, expressive faces that others have, and so we probably don't wrinkle as early as NTs" (p. 98). It does call into question how much of the book is opinion vs. researched information. Or is it all advice based just on reflections of herself It's hard to know, so I kept the rating a little lower because of this.

[VJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I Can Relate

I was bullied, thought weird, am extremely bright and was gifted in mimicry when younger; definitely saw aspects of my experience in this manual.
Appreciate the brevity and, especially, attention to self-soothing and meltdowns.
My need for solitude, my comfort and reveling in it, explained. Newly diagnosed, but always keenly aware of the difference in perspective I held, reading through the first time was comforting.
Missing, though, is another voice in the AS canon. Perhaps it is time to tell my story.

[Nicoal · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I started glancing through this book, with no intention of actually reading it, I found I couldn't put it down. I heard myself in every succinct chapter.

The author does get a tad preachy about what others should do to accommodate a woman who relates to Asperger's Syndrome traits, whereas I think it's more realistic to do what you can to adapt to the real world, but overall the content was eye-opening and validating for me.

[Diana Gagliardi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read through this before giving it to my husband to make sure it related to me. Dear lords did it! It helped me understand myself a bit better as well, and now I'm happy to pass it along to DH and get his thoughts on it. If you are on any side of a relationship with a woman with AS this is a fantastic resource!

[Ben Gresik · Rating 2 out of 5]

While a lot of the info in the book was helpful, I found that the author's approach left me questioning how much of the information I could trust. I would probably recommend a different book for partners wanting to know more about Aspergers.

[~☆~Autumn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fascinating quick read. I learned so much more about Aspergers. This was so interesting to me that I nearly read it in one sitting. I also made some notes and wrote down a few neverending quiz questions.

[Jennifer · Rating 1 out of 5]

I strongly disliked this book. The fact that the author has claimed she no longer has Aspergers after changing her diet, should be all you need to know. She also claimed that ”aspergirls” have psychic abilities. There are better books on women and Aspergers, dont read pseudo science!

[Simina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Insightful, but also kind of boring. It reads like a very personal account of dealing with the syndrome, which some people might prefer.

[Joseph Sciuto · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rudy Simone's "22 Things a Woman with Asperger's Syndrome Wants her Partner to Know" was an eye opening experience that went way beyond just an understanding of the syndrome and in the end presented a constructive way to interact with all people and to take a step back before passing judgement on anybody.
 The book was recommended to me by a lady on Goodreads and for that I am very grateful. Asperger's Syndrome is a milder form of autism characterized by an impairment in social behavior with symptoms such as repetitive behavior, bluntness, rituals, restricted interests and abnormal obsessions.

The author is hesitant to note, but some of the greatest geniuses and inventors were most probably on the Asperger's spectrum, but were never diagnosed. In fact, as I was reading this book and looking back on some of my friendships I was astonished at the amount of people I have known that exhibited many of the symptoms.

Asperger's Syndrome in no way restricts a person from living what we call a normal life, but it is important that one is diagnosed and one's partner, whether that be husband or wife, understands the syndrome and is willing to accept and work with the Asperger partner. The rewards for the Non-Asperger partner can be quite astonishing and open up a whole new world of knowledge and creativity.


There is no medication to treat Asperger's Syndrome and that is why support groups and counseling are so very important because, like all of us the individuals on the spectrum are sensitive to the way people perceive them and are prone to depression.


I highly recommend this book, whether or not, you know someone with the Syndrome or not. Ms. Simone's suggestions go way beyond just people with the syndrome and offers a very encouraging blueprint for all those in search of a healthy relationship.

[Alice Petherick · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanted to proof read this as the AS partner before giving it to my NT partner, to see if it would be helpful. Rudy Simone explains some really important aspects of autism in a clear and sympathetic way. She treads the line very well between explaining why certain behaviours may happen, without excusing them as being acceptable or unavoidable. There are a few drawbacks of the book, e.g. it focuses quite heavily on heterosexual couples, although queer couples are mentioned and the book would still be useful to them, in my opinion. The book is also focussed on AS in cis-women - which is somewhat understandable given it was published in 2012, but a separate discussion on AS within queer and trans relationships would be very welcome and some mention of trans-women and non-binary people would have been nice. All in all I think this is a very useful short guide and tool for partners, and would be very useful as a starting point for further discussion and research within relationships. I do think it could also be useful for non-romantic partnerships or other close relationships where one party is autistic. Thank you Rudy Simone!

[Muriel (The Purple Bookwyrm) · Rating 4 out of 5]

More accurate rating: 7.5/10.

This book does a pretty good job of covering a series of traits, behavioural and cognitive peculiarities one often finds in women with autism (of the formerly named Asperger's Syndrome variety specifically, hence the title). I could relate to a lot of the things mentioned in the book and, moreover, appreciated the fact the author brought up things that are relevant to my lived experience, but which I haven't seen talked about as much in other places.

The advice provided in the book tends towards the conciliatory: communication, compromise and loving patience are strongly promoted. This is a good thing as far as I'm concerned, but it's also pretty... Obvious advice? And advice which I'm pretty sure applies to all kinds of coupled relationships, really. Thus I preferred the "presentation and explanation of traits" aspect of the book, rather than its more "couples' counselling" one.

Amidst the good, there is also a bit of cringe. By that I mean that the author sometimes relies on gendered assumptions and dynamics a bit too much for my personal liking. Apart from that however, this is a pretty good book overall. I can definitely see its potential usefulness as an introduction to the subject for a prospective neurotypical partner - though on a more personal note I don't really see that kind of relationship ever working out for me.

[Terran · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's short. Took only a couple hours.
While it has some good insights and tries to communicate various struggles, there are many assumptions about 'neurotypical' people that I don't think are entirely accurate.
It also puts a lot of responsibility in the relationship on the 'neurotypical' partner.
It was good, but grain of salt is key.

I did learn about alexithymia, though. This is something I've always struggled with and didn't know there was a word for.

[Livia · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a recently diagnosed aspie I found this book extremely helpful to understanding myself and helping my partner to understand me.

It's extremely easy to read and funny. Would highly recommend this book to any aspie who struggles to explain their issues to their partner.

[Kathy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Don't waste your time on this book. It is not suitable as an intro to autism and it does not have a lot to say other than accept your aspie partner as she is and respect her need for downtime. Rudy Simone also has some really out-dated attitudes to gender.

[Librariann · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm still in my post-HH self-investigation on women on the spectrum. I'm finding it very enlightening.

When I was in 6th grade, I wrote "Normal is Boring" on a shirt in glittery puffy paint, and wore it all the time. Reading these books, I understand it's a spectrum for a reason, and I think there are as many elements that are spot on as there are that don't fit. But with three decades under my belt of identifying myself (and being identified by others) as a person with mental illness, I find the mental shift of the umbrella from "functional adult who copes with bouts of mental illness" to "my brain works this way because I'm just a little bit on the Spectrum" to be almost empowering. Elements of my life that seemed disconnected just click when viewed through this lens.

Re: the topic of this book in particular - I am also fortunate that I have a partner that has always known and understood me (even without a diagnosis), and so this book is less of a helpful guide for him than a "well, yeah, of course."

If this were on my Kindle, these would have been my highlights:

"Aspie bluntness is famous, or infamous, depending on who you ask. Why do we do it? To be cruel? Absolutely not. We like to relay information and we like to do it honestly and without games or subtext."

"For someone who doesn't like to be bombarded with talk, your Aspergirl may pelt you with tidbits about her day from the moment you walk in the door until she runs out of breath 15 minutes later. It may seem to the untrained eye, that is is one self-centered chick. That's not what it is, well not entirely. This is what's known in Aspergers as monologuing...these percolating thoughts come flying out of her and at you like knives from a carnival performer's hand."

"I get asked all the time how I can get up in front of hundreds of people and speak. Are you kidding me? I'm monologuing. I have a huge captive audience and I'm getting paid for it. ... But the best part is, and this is important, I'm imparting information to people. Your girl, even when she seems to have her own special interest at heart, is usually looking to impart information with the aim of somehow improving a situation or helping other people."

"Aspies tend to have one good friend at a time and don't understand how NTs manage to have so many and have a life. ... Even if she's got a thousand online friends, chances are in her real-world leisure time, she is a lone wolf. ... Why on earth would she want to go to the movies with people? ... Why would she want to go shopping with other girls?"

"Some AS women say that when they are away from their partner, they lose that "sense of connection" that is a crucial part of our obsessions. We we take an interest in something, we like to have it around."

"If you really feel that she spends too much time alone, try to get her out and into the community, or encourage her to find others she connects with. It may be that she goes to a class, and learns to dance, but never makes any friends, but there's always the possibility that she will. ... Thank heavens for online social networks, which give her a chance to express herself in writing, without the confusing parts - eye contact, reciprocal conversation."

"Self-advocacy, especially face to face, is very difficult for us. We might write like Shakespeare, but we're just plain shaky when speaking up for our selves. She probably gets tongue-tied, angry, or cries. Thank God for typing! Real-time self-defense is not our forte."

"Some of us do love going out to work, and do so happily and successfully, partly because it is some sort of a social life, in a controlled environment where everyone has a role."

"I love getting older. I feel more comfortable in my skin, I've acquired some social skills, am less afraid of people, and actually do enjoy their company from time to time."

[Jon Den Houter · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have read a score of books trying (and largely failing) to understand how an Aspie perceives the world. It's not easy to step inside someone else's head and see the world as that person does. The best book I've read on this score is Pretending to be Normal: Living with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) Expanded Edition, but even that was largely opaque--this is not to speak of the quality of the book but of the difficulty of explaining to someone else how you perceive the world. What finally turned on some lightbulbs for me was the glossary at the back of Pretending to be Normal: somehow, seeing some of the Asperger difficulties defined in scientific, medical terms made them understandable to me. "Oh my," I thought as I read some of the terms, "this is what life is like for Aspies." It was a revelation that pierced my conscience for how I have treated the people in my life with Asperger's.

But like my review so far, Simone's book is rambling. Although it is superficially organized (the book is divided into 22 chapters all presumably on a unique facet of Asperger's), it lacks deep organization. For example, she touches on the tendency of Aspies to be forgetful in a few of the 22 chapters, and always in passing; never does she come right out and focus on this issue, why Aspies have it, and what can be done about it. She talks about sensory overload in many of the 22 chapters, from the chapter on Depression to the chapter called "Try Feeling This"; the result of which is that she repeats herself and still never does illuminate what it feels like for an Aspie to have a meltdown.

Nonetheless, I did learn--here and there, and always in passing--some new things about what life is like for a woman with Asperger's. I learned that when a woman with Asperger's says "I can't remember" regarding something she did for which she's at fault, this doesn't mean "I choose not to remember," which is how we neurotypicals interpret it; it literally means she can't remember. Furthermore, I learned that women with Asperger's are highly critical, which comes from their famous Aspergian bluntness as well as from their desire to control their environment. As Simone says, "Control is her way of bringing safety and comfort to an unpredictable, unsafe, uncomfortable world." I also learned that the Asperger trait of poor gross motor skills also has the effect of relaxed (or weak) muscle tone, making people with Asperger's appear much younger than they actually are.

Still, I wished I had learned what makes Aspies unable to detect sarcasm. Even literal thinkers should be able to hear the tone of voice difference, right? I can't imagine how Aspies perceive the world such that they are oblivious to people's sarcastic tone of voice. I have learned from interacting with Aspies that they can't use "context clues"; for example, even you are just talking about the Bible and start to talk about "Matthew," an Aspie will ask you if you are talking about your brother Matthew or her coworker Matt or someone else. We were just talking about the Bible, so I was talking about the GOSPEL of Matthew. Oh, she will say--I didn't know. So maybe this lack of reading context clues is also why Aspies have a hard time reading sarcasm, I don't know.

If you haven't read Pretending to Be Normal yet, skip this book in favor of that one--and make sure to read the glossary!

[Dory · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be mostly helpful. Like many others have mentioned, Rudy Simone definitely doesn't shy away from stereotypical gender tropes, and this can be a little off-putting. While I myself am a hetero Aspiegirl (I still can't decide whether I find that term cute or infantilising), I was still irked by the heteronormativity Simone assumes in her analyses. There are also quite a few assumptions pertaining to the idea that, basically, all women function the same way, and therefore, all Aspiegirls feel, think, and act the same way, too. Hanging on the couch in my sweats is NOT my comfort zone. Far from it, in fact. Assuming that this is what we all do to unwind and deflate is just dumb. I love dressing up and feeling “pretty”. That’s what helps me deal with too many stimuli. And that’s just one example.

I was also a little frustrated with the implication that an Aspiegirl’s partner, if they want to be a GOOD partner, they need to be nearly saintly. Living with an autistic partner can be a big, big challenge for a neurotypical person, and this needs to be recognised as well. It’s wonderful that we, as autists, get the recognition and understanding we deserve (especially as autistic women), but the same should apply to autists' partners. It’s not all up to them to be our saviours, guides, and live-in therapists. We need to take just as much responsibility in at least trying to attend to their needs just as much as they tend to ours. Yes, we need help in certain aspects of life, but it’s unreasonable to expect our partners to be our crutches. Much less our translators and buffers in all social situations. Sure, I’m often overwhelmed in many situations where there are more than two people around me (and god knows, sometimes even two is too much), but I also need to learn to voice my needs (“Sorry, I’m overstimulated and need to take a break right now"), instead of leaving all the explaining up to him. Leaving all this crap for the autist's partner to clean up leaves them in danger of becoming burnt-out themselves or even pushing them into social isolation because they just don’t always have the energy for it. More than anything, the biggest help we auties and our partners can give ourselves is to become as self-reliant as possible. To learn to voice all our needs and desires and take care of ourselves in a way that’s simple, healthy, and assertive and doesn’t drain all our energy. And when we can’t (curse selective mutism!) it’s awesome to have someone who understands what’s happening and can leave us be for as long as we need without judgment. Someone who has our back when we’re truly in need of support. I wish that has been the focus of this book. “How to be a strong and assertive autie and have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who supports you." Something like that. I’m seriously considering writing a book of my own.

Other than all of this, I did find a lot of recognition in many of the observations, and apart from a few simplistic generalisations, I did relate to most of it. Which is nice, it’s great to finally understand so much about myself after going on for 36 years undiagnosed. Overall, I think this book can definitely be useful to many people, so long as you don’t take everything too literally. (Ha-ha, autistic humour 😉)

[Aali · Rating 5 out of 5]

My close friend was diagnosed with Asperger's in adulthood. At first I found the idea laughable - that my intelligent, funny, insightful best friend had a developmental disorder. I shrugged it off with her and said it changed nothing, and she is still the same person I have been friends with for years. Why would a small thing like a diagnosis - for something she had apparently had all her life - change anything?

It changes a lot. Not in the friendship, we're still as weird together as ever, but it does change a person. A late diagnosis can bring about so many emotions, bring clarity and pain not realized earlier in life, and set about a long journey to understand yourself from a whole new perspective.

My ignorance on this did get better over time, but it was recently that my friend mentioned this book. It was one she is reading with her partner, but I asked for the name, since ever since I found out about her diagnosis I have wanted to know more. There's only so much trawling through the internet and random forums can tell you, and relying on my friend to inform me when she was only just realising all of this herself felt like putting a burden on her. It was a huge relief when I found out about Simone's work, one that in my friend's words, put so much into text that she had been feeling and just couldn't express.

This is a short book that doesn't pretend to be anything more than a back to basics, necessary, factual summary of beginning to understand a woman with Asperger's. It references its own stereotypes and points out the exceptions, it gives examples (Simone being an Aspergirl herself), it humanises and details. Asperger's and all we know of it is mostly based around the syndrome that men have, with terribly little research and study into women. It turns out that there's vital differences - ones that if were better known, would help so many women get their diagnosis at an earlier stage of life, instead of struggling into adulthood as misunderstood, unsupported individuals.

I have learned so much by reading this. So, so much. Did you know that people with Asperger's could have a higher sensitivity to medication? I had no idea. There was a lot I didn't know... an embarrassing amount. Simone's 22 Things is definitely recommended by me, even if you do not personally know someone with Asperger's. It could be that one day you will.

[Fate's Lady · Rating 4 out of 5]

A friend recommended this book to me, and I read the whole thing in one afternoon. While there were some points I disagreed with, the vast majority of the book had me mentally shouting "Yes! This is me! This is why I do this!" In particular, knowing that selective mutism during depressive episodes is common to Aspies was profoundly comforting--it's always felt abnormal and strange that I can't talk when I'm severely depressed.

I'm self-diagnosed and I've had to spend a long time and a lot of effort to learn for myself a lot of what this book teaches about women living with Asperger's. It's incredibly validating, and I definitely think it's an excellent resource for partners.

All that said, there were a few times where the author's bias or opinions leaked through as fact. For example, she put a big focus on meltdowns, but bursting into tears after I've removed myself from the overwhelming situation, I can't relate at all to that and neither can several other Aspie gals I know. Not everyone has meltdowns and that could have been made much more clear. There were also a couple of times where she was way too casual with references to other disorders (calling a behavior 'OCD' when she means slightly obsessive or even just particular) that build on harmful perceptions and stigmas for people with those disorders. There was also an emphasis on how many (most?) Aspie women are a bit slovenly (um, no) and a whole section dedicated to how we're "not like other girls" (our superiority strongly implied). I am not here for putting down NT women to build ourselves up.

The negatives were overall a tiny fraction of this book, and I would highly recommend reading it with an open mind and a critical eye.

[Savanna Celena van der Meij · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some information and certain use of words and gender dynamic are indeed a bit outdated. But I did recognize so many things and problems of relationships that I just thought I am the worst girlfriend ever. And now I am able to understand and explain myself to my partner and use this as a guide to ask help properly. To get him or anyone that I would want a more intimite bond with to have a better understanding of how I operate.

It is short and written in an easy to understand language. Nice to read to your partner and not too big of a task for them to do so. It also confronted me on some parts about my relationship, especially partners willingness to understand and get to know me deeper.

Which brings me to another point, it seemed mainly written for a NT partner. And maybe a AS partner. It also brushed over a brief statement that partners have their own mental health work to do. I am just conflicted because it writes it a bit in a way that they should just accept things and learn to manage. I think for some people that takes more adjusting and energy than we would like, maybe it says something about compatibility. In my case with a partner with ADD, I am craving information on how we can level with eachother, get a better understanding on how we operate and how that could work together. There is not much information on how two different kind of neurodiverse people can best manage their relationship. As sometimes it seems like we both live in a totally different world than eachothers, and than the NT one.

It is a short, handy book, for basic information on relationships with a (f-type) AS partner, I do think you will need a lot more for most relationships, especially if you are both struggling big sometimes with ND obstacles!

[Stitch · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disclaimer: As a lesbian on the spectrum, I got this book to show to my neurotypical partner.

There's a couple of points that I highlighted to show my partner but most of the book isn't too helpful. This is ultimately a very loose and short book of notes about one straight woman's relationship.

There's quite a few assumptions in this book too which are incredibly irksome, like this...

"Part of the role of the NT in this relationship is to be the social buffer and translator. If you think that is unfair, understand that there will be things she is good at (like math or getting rid of a computer virus), that you are not, and this is what couples do for one another. Lesbian couples will have less of a problem with this, but it is just a little outside the expected that the man should be the socially adept one, the one with the higher emotional IQ."

Ah, the old "lesbians are men" stereotype! I honestly rolled my eyes so hard, I nearly had to go to A&E.

(I cringed every time "your girl/your Aspergirl" was used like this is some kind of animal care book. It felt kinda infantilising.)

This book may be useful for some and that's cool, and as I said before, there's a few good observations.