You've Been Warned

by James Patterson, Howard Roughan

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Genres: Mystery, Fiction, Thriller, Suspense, Crime, Mystery Thriller, Audiobook

Hardcover

First published September 10, 2007

About the author

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JIMMY Patterson Books
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James Patterson is the most popular storyteller of our time and the creator of such unforgettable characters and series as Alex Cross, the Women’s Murder Club, Jane Smith, and Maximum Ride. He has coauthored #1 bestselling novels with Bill Clinton, Dolly Parton, and Michael Crichton, as well as collaborated on #1 bestselling nonfiction, including The Idaho Four, Walk in My Combat Boots, and Filthy Rich. Patterson has told the story of his own life in the #1 bestselling autobiography James Patterson by James Patterson. He is the recipient of an Edgar Award, ten Emmy Awards, the Literarian Award from the National Book Foundation, and the National Humanities Medal.

Reviews

[*TANYA* · Rating 2 out of 5]

YOU'VE been warned to avoid this book. First half was decent and then it started falling apart. Nope!! Not for me. Very disappointed.

[Baba · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting attempt by Patterson (and Roughan) to write a different type of thriller, dare I say with supernatural overtones. A page turny as ever by Patterson and quite gripping at times. 6 out of 12 Three Star read.

2012 read

[Benjamin Stahl · Rating 1 out of 5]

"Why I oughta ... "



James, James, James ...
You and your airport novels. Fucking lame titles. Can't even write a book without collaborating with someone else. "James Patterson featuring some douchebag you've never heard of".
And apologists are like "Well Patterson's just a bit of harmless fluff. Like, you know, it's good beach reading".
What is this Beach Reading bullshit?
Someone make a rule did they? If you take a book to the beach it has to be a total waste of time? Do you have to be in the rainy slums of London to enjoy in Dickens, and can only tolerate the likes of Di morrissey and Danielle Steele on vacation? Since when did the beach become so uninspiring?

I wouldn't be caught dead reading James Patterson. Especially if I was at the beach, surrounded by a majestic view of ...



... golden sands and endless blue sea.

Even if I pissed off the mafia and they shot me with adrenaline before burying me alive, but at least had the decency to stop at the gas station and buy me the new Alex Cross novel, I would say “Don’t they have Dostoevsky or anything? No? I’ll go without then”.



The sheer sight of this flaccid brushed potato hits a raw nerve with me. And it's not like I'm a hipster or anything. Shit, my second favourite film is Forrest Gump. I liked Spiderman 3. You don’t get more un-hipster than that.
But let's get to the review. I actually read this months ago, but the review I wrote was so bad because I was seething with anger for having been prevented the privilege of ripping the book to fucking shreds. I borrowed it from the library, you see. It’s like when I read 50 Shades Of Grey: I had stupidly agreed to give it to someone after I finished it.
Similar to 50 Shades, I went into this not knowing how poorly regarded it was. I had not read anything by Patterson before, and was still naïve enough to think anyone as popular as him must be good. Let’s get into what, until 2019, was the worst book I ever read.



For years I have tried to put it behind me. But it always comes back in my dreams. My wife is at her wit's end. She can't cope with the tears and the random outbursts anymore. My own goddamned son won't speak to me. Seems he told my grandkids I was killed in a bus accident. Apparently I'm too "unstable" to be around his children now. I have only one option left. I must confront this trauma; grab it by the scruff and throttle it for every fucking annoyance it put me through ...

Instead of taking heed of Patterson's chilling title, I let myself be persuaded by the deceptive critic's quote on the back-flap:"His most haunting book to date”. I swear, if I ever get my hands on whoever wrote that. I mean, "haunting" in comparison to what? Harry Potter? Scary face masks on Halloween? To say this book is anywhere near frightening is more of a lie than someone recently coming back from a hang-gliding trip in The Philippines and saying that he had a good time.



Before I get into what really hurt this book, I just want to take a moment to explain how laughable its attempts to be scary are. I recall there being - count them - two attempts to scare the reader. Yet according to the asshole guy who designed the cover, "Fear is just the beginning”. The first ""scary part"" is when Kristen - who is the (If you wink one more fucking time!!) protagonist in this train wreck - gets a late-night phone-call. Only when she answers it she, like, OMG, hears herself crying hysterically on the other end. Jesus Christ that's creepy!! And I’m actually not being sarcastic here. The idea is good. It should have been creepy. Only whatever disconcertment the reader is meant to feel is ruined by Patterson abysmal handling of it. You know those people whose hands have turned into tree bark? Yeah, well, fucking Google it. Them imagine one of them giving you a hand-job. They would still elicit a better climax than Patterson could with this book. What do I mean, you might ask? Well, consider how Kristen responds to this chilling occurrence. All she does is literally hang up then go to bed.

Does she question what just happened?
Does she break down in the corner, and phone her parents, and blubber about how she's losing her mind?
Fucking, does she even leave the bathroom light on when she goes to bed?

Nah, she just shrugs it off and hits the sack. Goodnight.

The only other apparently scary part is when Kristen discovers her cupboard is full of rats.



Dirty, stinking, infectious rats!! Oh my, I shall faint with terror …

That's it though. He doesn't bother describing them. He makes no attempt at evocative imagery. He relies, not cleverly, but lazily on the reader’s own imagination. And look here: I’m not saying this tactic is bad. It’s remarkably effective when done well. But this isn’t Jaws, and Patterson ain’t Stephen Spielberg. Jaws provides you with all sorts of ominous suggestions that get under your skin and play with your mind. Patterson’s book is more like having the viewer walk into the cinema, stare at a blank screen for two hours and then be told the movie was fantastic, they just have no fucking imagination. This is the "Master of the Suspense” and yet he relies here on his readers being squeamish as girl that screams at spiders in the corner of the ceiling. Mr Patterson doesn't need to bother catering to our imaginations with grotesque imagery or vivid language. Nah, the mere mention of rats is enough to make my blood freeze.



Now to the protagonist …

There are certain women out there that make me thankful for the aspiring Patrick Batemans our iniquitous culture is breeding. And I would not have hated this book half as much, were it not for having to put up with the most irritating, shallow and murderable protagonist I think has ever been conceived. Kristen works as a maid for a rich married woman, Penley Turnbull - who is also the villain, and darned if that could have been any more obvious.
Kristen spends the majority of this story bitching about how her employer treats her like an employee. Get this, she tells her maid what to do, and chucks fits when she turns up hours late. Pretty wrong if you ask me. And never mind that said mistreat maid is having sex with her employer's husband. She also stalks him when he takes his family (children, yeah) into the countryside. And while her life is falling apart due to supernatural forces, she instead focuses on detaching the kids emotionally from their mother. Plus she wants the husband to ditch her. Then, finally, Kristen has the tenacity to judge Penley when she catches her having an affair. We are supposed to hate Penley for cheating on her husband. Yet the do-no-wrong protagonist has been doing the very same thing.

So yeah. Just about every page of this book made me wish I could jump inside and give Kristen something permanent to complain about. And it did not help the book was written in Kristen’s first-person perspective. If Patterson wanted to provide an Annoying Cunt of a Girlfriend simulator he did an incredible job. But that doesn't remove the crease from my forehead. This book read more like a text-message bitch-fest between two girls, after they've had a few - with as much emotional depth and relatability to boot.

I could write an entire essay on what a terrible character Kristen was. But the word limit for this review is nearing, and there's so much more I want to say. Equally as grinding was the "forbidden" romance between Kristen and Michael Turnbull. They fuck each other pretty regularly in this book. In fact, pretty much the only thing they do together is pant and moan and dote over how much they love each other. But where’s the evidence? Patterson never allows any chemistry between these two. There's this one part when Kristen finally confides with him - tells him all the insane things that are happening. She finds and interrupts him during an important business dinner ... only to spread her legs in the backseat of his car.

"Was there something you wanted to tell me, sweetheart?"
"Not anymore, big boy". She winked at him voluptuously.'

There are about two things we learn about Michael.

1) He has a large penis.
2) He's a fucking douchebag.



And Lord knows we need more of them.

Oh, that reminds me!! There was this other part as well!!
One morning, when Kristen is stuck doing Penley's laundry (like, puh-lease, this is sooo condescending), Michael sneaks up on her and fucks her from behind. They can still hear the clinking of Penley's spoon as she eats her cereal in the kitchen. And then the kids - (just the cutest clichés ever!!) - start calling for her. And after Michael's done with her, he slips back into the kitchen with a naughty grin on his face, the smell of sex on his slimy cock and Kristen cries "I'm coming!!!
It really is beyond amazing that Patterson would use this pun. It’s so old, it’s so not funny, it’s so not sexy, and in fact, coming from him, dirty old man that he is, it is really rather disgusting. The reader needs to feel at least some affinity for the characters in a story like this, otherwise they won’t give a dam what happened to them. Constantly having them screw each other with no emotional development just puts you off after a while.



And, well, look ... I really have got to end this review. There's really a lot more I wanted to say. But I’ve used up all my characters. Goodreads won’t let me. All I can really say is that this book not only disappointed me, but infuriated me with its almost remarkable ability to fuck up every single thing it tried to do. In my reviews I often resort to nit-picking because I'm not smart enough to notice the deeper issues. And if I do I'm just not clever enough to point them out as potently as most reviewers on this site can. But, thanks to this book, I have finally found something that demonstrates nearly every way in which a book can suck. Yet seeing the bar dropped this low is not really something to be thankful for. I hated it so much I even hated hating it.
Seeing as I have to finish off now, I'm just gonna straight-out list some smaller things I remember finding very annoying. I just can't rest until I've pointed them out.

* Her psychiatrist smokes a pipe. And are we really to believe that a professional such as him would put the strops on in front of a patient just because they stopped coming?

* Adding to the list of times Patterson throws something totally random and stupid at us, what was with that part when the blonde guy approaches her in the nightclub, says “you’ve been warned” then fucks off into the night? No explanation. No context. No real payoff. You can’t help but wonder if the co-writer was actually Tommy Wiseau.

* Penley's stout and pompous turpitude is so absurdly portrayed, she comes off more like Michael's mother than his wife. She’s basically Cruella Deville.

* Why does Kristen keep running away from that detective? Stop being a fucking idiot and start behaving like an adult.

*The happy ending was sickening and predictable. This book might have found at least some redemption in having Kristen fed to ants or something.

FOR THE END OF THE REVIEW, CLICK HERE:

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

[Phrynne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well that was a strange one! I didn't see that coming when I picked up a James Patterson at random off the shelf. Mind you it is one with a co author and they can be unusual at times.

You've Been Warned is definitely a Patterson like book. It has short, snappy chapters, lots of action and is fast paced. However it is different in that the main character sees dead people who apparently come to warn her of a very unfortunate future unless she makes some major changes in her life. She also has premonitions but sadly does not recognise them for what they are until a bit too late! All this makes the book much more like something written by Stephen King or Dean Koontz. Luckily I like both those authors and I enjoy a bit of spookiness in my mysteries so I was quite comfortable.

The story was certainly mysterious to the point of being almost totally unintelligible at times. When this happens to me I don't stop and try to understand, I just go with the flow and wait for events to make it clear. That was the best thing to do with this book as nothing became clear until the very end and even then the reader was left to do a bit of guesswork.

So, don't read this book if you like everything spelled out and especially don't read it if you do not enjoy a bit of supernatural. Otherwise go for it. It is fun

[Christy Martin]

The worst book he has written. Don't waste your time unless you have nothing else to do. Very disappointed

[jv poore · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this to be a unique and intriguing story. This is not the James Patterson that I am used to, but I enjoyed it as much as a good Alex Cross novel.

The story esentially centers around and is told by the main character; Kristin. Oddly, Kristin wasn't an outstanding character. As the reader, I felt no connection, no empathy, no admiration for Kristin; if anything, she seemed a bit annoying. The events that were happening (or that she perceived to be happening) were compelling and curious. The characters she encountered along the way ranged from the slightly strange to the bizarre. The combination of the quirky characters and escalating, yet consistent events made this an amazingly quick read.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, after reading the reviews on this book I'm shocked!
I really enjoyed this book and read it in a few hours, I couldn't put it down! Everyone else thinks differently tho. I think alot of people were disapointed with the ending. I loved it. It makes you think and lets you solve some of the things yourself. I'm torn on reading reviews because there are so many people that just tell you what the story is and how it is going to end. The last book I read I had a hard time getting through because I knew the ending.
Anyways I like James Patterson but its been awhile since I read any of his books. I Really loved this one though.

[Paul Weiss · Rating 2 out of 5]

A decent plot let down by its authors' failings as writers!

Kristin Burns is a budding photographer who's looking to hit the big times in New York. But in order to make ends meet in the meantime, Kristin works as a nanny for a rather shallow pair of folks from the moneyed glitterati set - Michael Turnbull, an investment guru who deals in hedging commodities, and his wife, Penley, who spends her days closely counting the calories she consumes and then ensuring she works them all off at the local gym.

The story begins simply enough ... Kristin and Michael are involved in a hot, heavy and torrid love affair. But Kristin's life begins to spin out of control and her mind plays nasty tricks on her as she witnesses a dead body apparently coming back to life, suffers recurring nightmares, hears an unidentifiable lick of music playing out of nowhere over and over, and has a conversation with her long dead father.

As plot ideas go, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED isn't half bad. It would probably serve as a reasonably good first draft for a Twilight Zone screenplay, a short morality play based on the notions of good vs evil, precognition and communication with those who have passed on before us. But that decent germ of an idea is betrayed by writing so bad as to be laughable were it coming from a first-time author. But as the product of the pen of an experienced author ... well, for shame, James Patterson! It's truly embarrassing.

Characters are shallow, entirely one dimensional and utterly boring. Dialogue is stilted, wooden, repetitive and wouldn't even be allowed into the translation sub-titles of a Japanese B-movie! The paranormal events, which are piled into the story so thickly and quickly that they actually become irritating, are never explained or tied in any way to the ending moral of the story.

The potential of the plot and the marginally acceptable ending are the only things that pull this turkey up to 2 stars!

I suspect Patterson never intended the ultimate irony ... the title serves as its own review ... "YOU'VE BEEN WARNED" !

Paul Weiss

[Kathy · Rating 2 out of 5]

From a blog post I wrote in 2007:

If you're expecting You've Been Warned by James Patterson and Howard Roughan to be a 'typical' Patterson book, you're going to be disappointed.

Sure, there are short chapters and a first person narrative. But, other than that it's not at all what you'd expect.

The story revolves around a young woman in New York City who's got secrets in her past and present, obsessions for her camera and her married boyfriend, serious nightmares and who sees dead people. It's supernatural poppycock for the most part and the "surprise" ending wasn't that much of a surprise.

Fortunately, it was a quick read but I have to say I could very happily have spent my time on something more productive and enjoyable.

[Angie · Rating 2 out of 5]

this book really confused me from page one, but i couldnt put it down! i read it in a day, and i'm still not sure why i did. the main character in the book is a woman having an affair with a father that she works for as a nanny. she's not extremely likable, and yet i still kept turning the pages!! i think i just wanted to figure out where it was all going. there's all kinds of dead people talking to her, showing up in her pictures (she's a photographer), etc. and it turns out, she's having a premonition of what her hell would be like. like all of his novels, this is a quick read, but i've never walked away from his books feeling as unfulfilled as i did with this one.

[LORI CASWELL · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dollycas’s Thoughts

This story really grabbed me from the start and then it turned eerie and I liked it even more. By the time I reached the end I wasn’t totally surprised because we see where the story is headed, but watching it all play out still had me saying “Wow”. I knew what the last line of the book was going to be and I was like “Yes”!

Typical Patterson, short chapters that keep the pages turning, unable to stop reading because you just have to see what the next chapter will bring. You can definitely see what Howard Roughan brought to the table too that makes this story different from a straight James Patterson novel. As I am reading this book years after its release date, I did notice the book had several 1-star reviews. I am glad they didn’t deter me from reading it. I liked this book because it was different, not at all what I expected and I read it all in one day because I could not put it down. The supernatural element was not expected and really turned the plot upside now.

An enjoyable read. I am glad I didn’t let those 1-stars stop me.

[Howard · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 Stars for You’ve Been Warned (audiobook) by James Patterson and Howard Ronghan read by Ilyana Kadushin.

Wow, this was unlike any other Patterson novel I’ve read. There’s some sort of supernatural thing going on and a seemingly unreliable narrator that’s up to no good. Ultimately it’s was interesting and I’m glad I read it and I’m curious about what else the coauthor has written.

[Ellenjsmellen · Rating 1 out of 5]

I hate to say it, but this one barely gets a star. Can't believe that Patterson let this one out on the shelves. To all you James Patterson fans: skip it!

[Aaron · Rating 1 out of 5]

The best way I can explain this book is that it is a really poor attempt at creating a story that would do The Twilight Zone or M. Night Shamalan proud. It fails on most accounts as it becomes a novel that is bogged down in an ability not to ramble on and on.

Kristin, a young nanny from Boston who moved to New York three years earlier, finds herself truly in love with Michael. He is sweet, romantic, and everything she could ever want ... and more. The problems is that "more" is his yuppie wife Penleigh. She knows about Penleigh. In fact, Kristin is the family nanny.

Things start to become quite bizarre one day while she is near one of the big hotels. She sees four body bags being brought out, and she sees one of the bodies attempting to get out. This sets her on a course in which she sees a series of ghosts from her past. As she attempts to sort through the scary situation where she seems to have ESP, she finds the situation with Michael and Penleigh becoming even more extreme, placing all of them in danger.

The question is whether or not Kristin will listen to the warnings she keeps getting from the spirit world before it destroys her and everyone around her.

I actually see the potential in the story. It really takes the idea of infidelity to the extreme with a bit of a morality tale, which is the basis of all good horror and suspense stories. The problem is that tale lurches from plot device to plot device leaving the reader trying to figure out what the authors are really trying to do with the whole thing. As a result, the story ends up spinning out of control, particularly at the end. As it concludes, the story seems to be like it is grasping at straws to find a way to tie things up in a good way, failing miserably.

[Miriam Smith (A Mother’s Musings) · Rating 5 out of 5]

A highly awarded 5 stars for "You've Been Warned" - I love these typically quick, fast paced, easy to read chapters that nearly always end in a cliff hanger. James Patterson has wrote many, many books and I've read a lot of them and can honestly say his books are always fab, he is a just a master at this genre. This standalone written with Howard Roughan is an excellent supernatural psychological suspense thriller that has you hooked from the start, it was chilling in parts and keeps you guessing throughout. Makes you keep wanting to watch over your shoulder....just in case you've done wrong! The ending had me spooked out, definitely not what I was expecting. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this and look forward to reading still more from James and his co-writers.

[Kenn Crawford · Rating 4 out of 5]

*** WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS **** This is one of those books where I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Yes it's a cool story and has tons of potential, but there was something about it that just got under my skin. Maybe it was the unanswered questions... or should I say, it was my WTF questions...

Penleigh hired a private detective to see if her husband was cheating on her. He was. With the nanny, Kristen. So what does Penleigh do? Sets Kristen up on a blind date with the guy Penleigh is cheating with. WTF? No screaming, yelling, sarcastic comments or innuendos. Nope... she sets her up on a blind date with the guy she's cheating with. Yeah... okay, that could really happen. LOL

Some of her photographs have a glitch in them. Why? It wasn't explained to my satisfaction why only certain people were glitchy. Actually, it wasn't really explained at all. The pic of her lover was him sprawled out on the floor dead. Not transparent like the others. Not to mention she didn't take that picture, I guess the camera took it by itself. Kristen did have a camera expert to call on, even went to his house to have him look at the pics, but the whole glitch thing was quickly stepped around when the guys mother started calling her the devil. She had to get out of there and we never hear from the camera expert again. Glitches aside, it didn't really get too deep into why some people saw her as the devil but most people did not. In fact, it didn't get too deep into explaining anything. It goes from "she may be psychic" to "maybe she's psychotic" to "what the hell is this book supposed to be about?"

Kristen seems to be good at taking pictures and making bad decisions. I can get the whole "moving to the big apple" thing and maybe being misled, but after several years there (two years as a nanny) her friends have never met the people she works for? Not once? She won't let her super-rich boyfriend get her a better apartment, better vehicle or anything like that but it's okay that he gives her a super-expensive, diamond and sapphire bracelet?

I'm fairly good at figuring out the ending but this book was not much of a challenge. Now despite my less the positive comments, I actually enjoyed the story but it didn't leave me with a "that was so cool" or "that was great" feeling. I listened to the audiobook version read by Ilyana Kadushin (love her voice.) I think the story could have been taken down a very different road with a much better ending instead of wrapping it all up nice-nice with a pretty little bow. "This girl is alive...she winked at me" REALLY?!? Never saw THAT coming.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh. My. God. This book was so odd! It was unlike any other Patterson novel I have read. I think this is one of his books that you will either love or hate. Personally, I really liked it. The supernatural twist is definitely new for Patterson and I thought he handled it well. The only way I can even begin to describe it would be Twilight Zone meets Patterson.

As usual, the chapters were short and sweet and always seemed to end with some sort of a cliffhanger. This made me want to continue reading long into the night, which for me is always the sign of a good thriller. One thing that was definitely different was that the murders don't occur until the end of the book. Also, the weird ghost sightings by Kristin were so strange. I spent the entire book trying to figure out if she was a total mental case, and with the ending like it was--I am still working on figuring that out. I am not really sure if I liked the protagonist or not. She seemed like such a babbling idiot half of the time. I guess if my sanity was being put to the test I would seem like a babbling idiot though too!

This is definitely a departure from the standard Patterson thriller, but it was still a real page turner for me. I would recommend this book for readers, just be forewarned that this isn't your typical Patterson. If you go into it without any preconceived notions or ideas, I think you will enjoy it.

[Amy · Rating 1 out of 5]

The most ridiculous story I've ever read. I hated this book so much I've stopped reading James Patterson who I used to enjoy.

[Bookkloud · Rating 3 out of 5]

Was the wink thing really needed to put this story together? 😑

[Brandy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wow. Talk about a disappointing book.

This is written from a first person standpoint and some of the things the main character says (or thinks) are ridiculous. The main character is a 26-year old woman. I'm only 18 and even I was like "... what?" at how much James Patterson relies on overused stereotypes and flat out awkward phrases he thinks are appropriate for her age bracket. On the flip side, the other half of the book (in which she doesn't sound like a vapid airhead), she seems like a retiree. Also, we're never really given a description of the main character other than that she's apparently SUPER ATTRACTIVE, REALLY SMART, and TALENTED. These qualities are never really shown. In my opinion, this is the worst thing about James Patterson. If you have to EXPLAIN something like that to your readers you're doing something wrong. They should be getting all of this from your writing.

But that's being nitpick-y. What I REALLY didn't like about this is that it spent so much time trying to be mysterious. Every couple of pages (which, by the way, a "chapter" was on average two and a half pages long) the author mentions some mysterious event that happened at the hotel when the main character first came to New York. Then, when we finally find out what it was, it's pretty lame.

The author's note at the end of the book was just ... pathetic.

I read it in a day and I wouldn't recommend wasting the time.

[#ReadAllTheBooks · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm a big Patterson fan. I've liked everything of his that I've read so far with the exception of 'The Lake House' and it appears that this will have to be one of those books that I didn't really like all that much.

'You've Been Warned' follows the actions of selfish photographer/nanny Kristin Burns as she has an affair with the father of the children she takes care of. Soon things start to unravel as strange things happen and she starts hearing this tune she can't get out of her head. She also begins to dream of 4 deaths in a hotel at the same time.

'You've Been Warned' is quite possibly the most mediocre book I've ever read by Patterson. The plotline would be intriguing, but the delivery just falls short of expectations. I'd be willing to put up with this if it wasn't for the unlikable main character of Kristin. Not only does she have an affair, but she stalks him whenever she gets a chance & tries to insert herself into the children's lives in their mother's place. Then she gives herself excuses as to why her actions are perfectly ok, excuses that are pretty much delusional. Maybe he was trying to display how delusional & selfish she is, but by doing so he turned her into a character that I care nothing about. When the end of the book comes (and the ending is ambiguous as to her fate) I found that I didn't care if she lived or died--which is the worst fate for a book, that you just don't care how it ended.

[John · Rating 1 out of 5]

Patterson's trashiest, sloppiest adult novel to date. So bad, I gave up after reading only six of the 100+ chapters. On the other hand, the writing is so simplistic that it might be good for ESL students. You've been warned, indeed!

[Benjamin Stahl · Rating 1 out of 5]

I've never done this before, and my brain is still trying to process the fact that I've now rated two versions of the same book. But if anyone comes across this review, and doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about, the first part can be found here:

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...



What the Hell Happened Here? (CONTINUED ... )

* The way that Kristen kept on telling us she had a "history" with that hotel - something that would no doubt bring things into some sort of clarity - and yet intentionally keeps us in the dark for no reason but to keep us reading made me want to rip my fucking hair out. (Or preferably hers).

* There were at least two times Kristen and her fuckboy conveniently met at Starbucks. The key word being "conveniently" because, conveniently, Michael gets to shout at all the wannabe screenwriters there. But the way he insults them- both times, mind you - is so pathetically contrived and eloquent that it seems to me Patterson is trying to show off by being all harsh on upcoming writers. Fucking most of them probably have more passion than you mate do mate. I mean, what happened? He must have been on the Shyamalan drug when he wrote Along Came a Spider. That was his accidental masterpiece. Not that it really was a masterpiece, but it was much better than anyone now has the right to expect from you. A good thriller. Is it too much to ask?

* Taking the final twist into consideration - that Kristen is dead - how in fuck's name does she manage to visit her friend's house? Or the psychiatrist for that matter? The idea that she is stuck in some purgatorial imitation of life - along with ripping off Jacob's Ladder - is so poorly executed, Patterson might as well have added a side-note: "Hey idiots, you know the first 250 pages? Yeah, well, just pretend they never happened because the rest of this book does nothing but contradict them. Yours sincerely, Jimmy Pattercakes (and Co.)".
Being an avid reader of horror stories, I'll admit my suspension of belief can be stretched pretty far.
But damned if I'm going to accept that somebody stuck in a body-bag can go clubbing with her friends, have an argument with her psychiatrist, walk the goddamned kids to school, commandeer a vehicle. I mean, what kind of nonsensical game does he think he's playing? Even horror stories still must adhere to certain logical rules. No wonder Stephen King hates you.



While I genuinely loathed this book more than I could ever say, I've still put more effort into its review than I think it deserves. This was not the case with 50 Shades Of Grey. I understand that James Patterson has a massive following. And I realize anyone who likes him should care nothing for what someone like me has to say. I am merely stating my opinion. And actually (since I am re-editing this in 2019), I don't hate Patterson as much as I did when I wrote this review. As previously indicated, I really enjoyed Along Came a Spider once I got around its initial cheesiness. Even I, Michael Bennett was decent.
But You've Been Warned shares the bottom shelf with 50 Shades as the absolute worst that fiction has to offer. If I was pressed, I would even say this was worse than E.L. James's overhyped, undersexed porno. At least James appears to have enjoyed writing her book - well, books, but fucked if I'll be reading the others, despite the alarming feeling I sometimes get that I might one day check the second one out for shits and giggles.

Also, 50 Shades of Grey (fucking, is it Gray or Grey? I can never remember) pissed me off because I wasted $30 on it. Instead of wasting time and money on that, I could have purchased these silicone swimming caps.



I find their smell weirdly nostalgic. But then I said the same thing about shoe-polish. And look what that did to me.



Anyway, James Patterson's reputation is a little more renowned than that of some English mum who ripped off Stephanie Meyer. And so there is no excuse for the carelessness that went into this book. Of course some might say it was what I deserved. Everybody knows what James Patterson is like. What did I expect by picking up one of the books even his fans don't hold in great esteem. Well, that's fair enough I guess. But it still doesn't make me any more happy to have read it. And now, if you'll allow me, I would like to make an analogy and compare picking a book up to buying a cheeseburger. Let's say that (at least nowadays) JamesPatterson is the literary equivalent to McDonalds.
Actually, no. Because I love McDonalds. Let's say James Patterson is the equivalent to Wimpy.



The burgers are sloppier, the staff look suicidal, there is only ever one person on the till ... but you save yourself an average of about £5.
Let's say I purchased the You've Been Warned burrito wrap. Only after I bit into it - to my utter disgust - I found that somebody had misplaced what appeared to be a used condom. It had gone slightly yellow with age, and also had traces of blood in it. After cautiously picking it up with a napkin and marching to the counter, I also noticed there were two dead flies inside it.

"Now just what the hell is this?" I tearfully demand.

The girl stares blankly. "Wha - sir is there a problem?"

"What in God's name was THIS doing in my burrito?"

I waggle it in front of her; someone in the queue begins laughing.

"Sir, I must ask you to calm down".

"Calm down?" I scream. "CALM DOWN!!"

The girl motions for the manager. "If you would like to - "

"All I want is a goddamm EXPLANATION!!!"

The manager intervenes. He's Nepalese or something.

"Sir? Is there a problem with you burrito?"

Flabbergasted, I take a deep breath. "YES!" is all I manage.

The manager waits expectantly. "And? Weren't you satisfied?"

"There was a ... condom ... in my burrito".

"A condom sir?"

"It had blood in it. Dead flies".

The manager just laughs. "Is that all, sir?"

I can't believe what I'm hearing. "You mean that's not enough?"

"Well," the manager shrugs. "This is Wimpy's after all"

"What the hell has that got to do with - "

"If you wanted quality, you should have gone elsewhere".

"But this is INSANE!!!" I exclaim.

"We serve cheap food for non-demanding customers," the manager explains. "If you wanted gourmet cuisine, then you should have - "

"Oh, don't give me that crap!!!" I cry hysterically. "This shit was in my MOUTH!!!"



No amount of Listerine ...

So while that analogy went a little far, in that I would rather read a thousand James Patterson books than experience something like that, the book did nonetheless leave a very unpleasant taste in my mouth. But it wasn't the writing itself. Certainly it was uninspired, but nothing too bad. Actually the more I look into this guy, the worse I feel for hating on him so much. Part of me feels a little sorry for him because many of his contemporaries have criticised him some time or other. And, putting aside his soulless approach to literature, he does come across as a decent guy. Plus, he looks a bit like my grandpa. Though I'm sure he cares little for the things his haters say about him. He's still making millions, and good on him for that.
Like I said before, what most annoyed me was his total lack of passion here, coupled with the awful characters and such a predictable plot. It literally - and I honest to God mean this - it literally was painful to read. It was like taking a drug that fills you with impotent rage. You feel wronged by the characters for having to listen to their stupid story. And they all exist within the published pages of a mass-printed author whom history will remember much more than I think he deserves to be, merely on the quantitative impetus of his output. It's like being forced to attend the inaugural ceremony of the person you hate most in the world after they become president of the universe. It's makes you feel life just isn't fair.

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

Minor Spoilers:

I know people are going to look at my three-star rating and go "What on Earth was he thinking?! This book was terrible!" Oh, well. :)

This book follows the story of Kristen Burns, an aspiring photographer who is, in reality, a nanny who is having an affair with the children's husband. What starts out as a dream spirals into a convoluted story of Kristen having macabre dreams and meeting up with people who should be long deceased. So really, it's nothing like the dust jacket says.

Personally, I really liked this book (except for the ending, which I'll discuss later). It felt like an episode of the Twilight Zone in a way. Every chapter (almost all of them, since there were so many) held something new in store, and made me want to read on. The protagonist meeting up with her dead father, being stalked by the Ponytail man (does he have a name?), losing track of her days, and being lured back to the Falcon was very compelling and thrilling to me. But that was until I reached the end.

None of the interesting things that were happening to poor Kristen were ever explained in the end. Like another reviewer said, it was too ambivalent, and not in a good way (hope you don't mind me citing you). For example, in the beginning of the book, Kristen's neighbor knocks on the door and yells at her for making too much noise, and then Kristen takes a shower to find that all the hot water is out. Towards the end of the novel, many days later, her neighbor says she yelled at her that morning, and Kristen gets a letter from her apartment complex apologizing for the lack of hot water. It was never at all explained why she was losing track of her days, and/or how many days had actually passed throughout the novel. Why her dead father kept appearing, Kristen having her baby at the Falcon (which was randomly thrown in there), and why people kept calling her Satan were also not explained at all. It was as if the authors thrown a bunch of interesting things in the book to make it thrilling, but the ending explaining it all got lost in translation.

All in all, it is a good, fast read that will keep you interested for the first 350 pages, but in the last few, will have you going "Are you joking?"

[Pamela Small · Rating 1 out of 5]

James Patterson has been named " the author who never misses". I disagree. He misses by a wide margin in YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. It is not up to his usual plot excellence, and certainly can not be included in his suspenseful thrillers genre. This book was scary, but in the supernatural realm. If I wanted to read about ghosts and such, I'd pick up a Koonz book. Trick or treat time of year....this book was one colossal trick, and was absolutely NO treat for the reader. BOO, Mr. Patterson.

Furthermore, I trust Mr Patterson to choose co-authors whose style
reflects the PRIMARY author. What? Do these co-authors pay you big bucks in order to use your name and gain publicity? I know you are a prolific writer, but why choose co-authors who do such a disservice to you and your reputation? READERS: YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

[Landis · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of reviews have said it's unlike the other books of James Patterson but I think he did a great job building up the suspense throughout the book. It gave me chills every time I read it. Every chapter I found something new that happened in Kristin's path and it kept the story even more entertaining. The only thing I wasn't a fan of was the ending. Although every detail ties together in the end, I was still confused. I guess you'll have to read it to see what I'm talking about. But it is definitely worth the read!!

[Melissa Carson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love most of James Patterson's books. And this one will grab you from the start and won't let you go until the end--and even then you'd still be wondering Did that really happened...?

Oh yeah, it leaves you in suspense.

A tantalizing read. Would recommend to all suspense-lovers.

[Candy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was very disappointed with this book. Poorly written and hard to follow. Seems like his Alex Cross and Woman's murder club series are the only good books he writes anymore.

[Kim · Rating 1 out of 5]

Why did I read this? I hate James Patterson.

[Carly W. · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was extremely odd? The first half had me absolutely hooked and then I just became extremely confused as the story progressed😂 the ending was interesting though!