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Power and Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers
One in four women will experience domestic violence; the incidence of violence on dates (not including rape) is increasing. Sandra Horley draws on over 20 years supporting abused women to provide an insight into the reality behind the mask of the charming man. The book’s aim is to show women they are not alone and to help them walk away from the confusing, dangerous situation they find themselves in.
224 pages, Paperback
First published January 24, 1991
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
October 18, 2020
The book cover indicates "Give this book to a sister, a mother, a friend; it may change her life" ( a quote by Lauren Lavrene). I would widen it by adding - give it also to every professional who is providing help and support to the survivors of gender-based violence, experienced from their intimate partners.
It's a very well written book, which covers the main topics around men's domestic violence against women theme. Basically everything you need to know if you are in the abusive relationship yourself, or if you want to provide help and support for a friend or a client. The book is rich in real examples from real women's stories. The tone is not patronizing, rather convincing, as it is rich in facts and real examples from women's experiences gathered in long years working with women in refuge, hearing their stories. I loved the way Sandra Horley step by step deconstructed why and how charming men end up in using coercive control as a mean to gain and execute power against their partner and what should we all do in order to eliminate women's abuse from our society. The best read book about this matter so far. Highly recommended for everyone!
It's a very well written book, which covers the main topics around men's domestic violence against women theme. Basically everything you need to know if you are in the abusive relationship yourself, or if you want to provide help and support for a friend or a client. The book is rich in real examples from real women's stories. The tone is not patronizing, rather convincing, as it is rich in facts and real examples from women's experiences gathered in long years working with women in refuge, hearing their stories. I loved the way Sandra Horley step by step deconstructed why and how charming men end up in using coercive control as a mean to gain and execute power against their partner and what should we all do in order to eliminate women's abuse from our society. The best read book about this matter so far. Highly recommended for everyone!
July 31, 2019
Devastating and important.
February 12, 2013
This book is extremely useful in helping its readers understand the dynamics of abuse. Very empowering.
August 29, 2014
Raw. Something every girl should be educated on at school before they are dating, so they can distinguish from such the personality traits.
June 15, 2020
Overview
The pace of this book was direct and to the point. Like an academic paper, it analyses deeply and precisely into the dynamics of an abusive relationship, what causes and perpetuates it.
Many women describe their first encounter with their soon-to-be abusive boyfriends as “charming, perfect, a dream come true”. These men are seen this way not just by their partners but also by the people around them. No one would expect these men to end up being abusive.
The Start of Abuse
It is important to note here that abuse does not just mean physical. It can mean emotional, financial and even social. In fact, to me that makes the whole abuse more complicated as it is harder to distinguish and identify from a third-person perspective. As the book says,
“If they complain to friends who know him only as a nice friendly guy, they run the risk of appearing to do nothing but put their boyfriends down. Often the result is that the man ends up with all the sympathy.”
For these men, they use their charm as a weapon. Ultimately, their aim is to gain control of the woman they are in a relationship with. After the woman is committed to them, he no longer charms her except for the moments when he feels he is losing control. This manifests as a hot and cold attitude which confuses the woman a lot.
Slowly but surely, through well thought out actions, abusive men start to dominate the woman’s life. Putting her down subtly, destroying her possessions, exploding in rage at well calculated moments, are all methods that these men use to make the women walk on eggshells.
Futile Resistance
When a woman tries to resist this domination and make a life for herself, the abusive man prevents this with statements like
“I want you all to myself. You alone...
Read the full review at
bookruminations.com/power-and-control
The pace of this book was direct and to the point. Like an academic paper, it analyses deeply and precisely into the dynamics of an abusive relationship, what causes and perpetuates it.
Many women describe their first encounter with their soon-to-be abusive boyfriends as “charming, perfect, a dream come true”. These men are seen this way not just by their partners but also by the people around them. No one would expect these men to end up being abusive.
The Start of Abuse
It is important to note here that abuse does not just mean physical. It can mean emotional, financial and even social. In fact, to me that makes the whole abuse more complicated as it is harder to distinguish and identify from a third-person perspective. As the book says,
“If they complain to friends who know him only as a nice friendly guy, they run the risk of appearing to do nothing but put their boyfriends down. Often the result is that the man ends up with all the sympathy.”
For these men, they use their charm as a weapon. Ultimately, their aim is to gain control of the woman they are in a relationship with. After the woman is committed to them, he no longer charms her except for the moments when he feels he is losing control. This manifests as a hot and cold attitude which confuses the woman a lot.
Slowly but surely, through well thought out actions, abusive men start to dominate the woman’s life. Putting her down subtly, destroying her possessions, exploding in rage at well calculated moments, are all methods that these men use to make the women walk on eggshells.
Futile Resistance
When a woman tries to resist this domination and make a life for herself, the abusive man prevents this with statements like
“I want you all to myself. You alone...
Read the full review at
bookruminations.com/power-and-control
Read
August 17, 2017Cancer if you read this and apply it to BOTH genders you're better than everyone else.
This isn't a clinicians book. There are hints of other issues here that are not fully explained that have clearly been taken out of context.
Go specific if you're wanting to use the information in your life. It's the difference between asking a tradesman and being a tradesman (if I've triggered you then you probably have issues!)
This isn't a clinicians book. There are hints of other issues here that are not fully explained that have clearly been taken out of context.
Go specific if you're wanting to use the information in your life. It's the difference between asking a tradesman and being a tradesman (if I've triggered you then you probably have issues!)
April 23, 2018
Women really need to read this. Really enjoyed this book and the various experiences articulated throughout the book. It was very emotional and well written.
April 11, 2022
Another really good book about domestic abuse. The author describes abusive men as having "Charm Syndrome" because they are always so charming at the beginning before the mask slips. She describes the wider societal problems of patriarchy and misogyny as contributing factors behind why abusive men behave the way they do.
"He must understand that she has a right to her own opinions, that she is not simply an extension of himself, she is a human being in her own right, with a right to work and have friends and activities outside the relationship, if she desires. He has to recognise that he does not own her body, that she has a right to say no to sex and that he has no right to use force to make her submit."
"He must understand that she has a right to her own opinions, that she is not simply an extension of himself, she is a human being in her own right, with a right to work and have friends and activities outside the relationship, if she desires. He has to recognise that he does not own her body, that she has a right to say no to sex and that he has no right to use force to make her submit."
August 10, 2012
Very interesting and personal to me.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews