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184 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1971
We have no power to make decisions any more. What we are doing is nothing. What we breathe is nothing. When we walk, we walk from one hopelessness to another. We walk and we always walk into a still more hopeless hopelessness. Walking away, nothing but walking away.I often find myself wondering why I bother to read fiction any more. It’s a tic or a compulsion or a means to obfuscation. A blurring of a moment coming into being that I refuse to use other means to fill. Each sentence read is a distraction from the necessary (and the other unnecessary) actions I take to live my life.
You know all the terrible conditions. You know all the attempts (to live), those who do not emerge from these attempts, this whole attempt at life, this whole state of attempting, seen as a life.People read for different reasons. I used to think I read for multiple reasons. I worked in a library where it was my job to order the books and I would order books I wanted to read and that I thought other people would want to read (and some that I thought that they should read) and I would put certain of these books on hold for myself so that I could read them when they arrived brand new out of the box. They were different types of books, nonfiction and fiction—whatever I thought sounded interesting to me—and it was all kind of serendipitous in a way and I liked that and it allowed me to read a wide spectrum of books for free. But then I left that job because it was in a terrible place and I had been through an ordeal so I needed to get away from there. I moved very far away from that place and I applied for other jobs in other libraries in the new place but it never worked out for various reasons so I no longer had that direct pipeline to new books. Around that time I created my first Goodreads account but it was quite a while (years) before I found interesting people on this site. When I did, though, it helped to reinvigorate and transform my reading, and subsequently my writing. I am thankful to all of those people, most of whom are either gone from here now or mostly dormant. For this I am sometimes sad although not surprised about, for I know how life is and I have also watched the quality of this site steadily degrade ever since Amazon first took over and began monetizing everything like they do with all the things they acquire.
Thus we are always on the point of throwing away thoughts, throwing away the thoughts we have and the thoughts that we always have, because we are in the habit of always having thoughts, throughout our lives, as far as we know, we throw thoughts away, we do nothing else because we are nothing but people who are always tipping out their minds like garbage cans and emptying them wherever they may be. […] It is for this reason that the world is always full of a stench, because everybody is always emptying out their heads like a garbage can. Unless we find a different method, says Oehler, the world will, without doubt, one day be suffocated by the stench that this thought refuse generates.I fill this space with the stench of my thought refuse because it is what people do and I am a person and close to a decade ago I discovered Thomas Bernhard’s writing thanks to the aforementioned people on this here weak shadow of what used to be a good site and there is probably no other writer who has had as penetrating an effect on me as he has. There are other writers who mean a lot to me but even some of those (more contemporary) writers have in the course of their own writing development been influenced by Thomas Bernhard (e.g., Brian Evenson, who wrote the foreword to this collection of early novellas) so there is tangential Bernhardian energy there flowing through them, which I also savor.
We often go on asking the same question for months at a time, he says, ask ourselves or ask others but above all we ask ourselves and when, even after the longest time, even after the passage of years, we have still not been able to answer this question because it is not possible for us to answer it, it doesn’t matter what the question is, says Oehler, we ask another, a new, question, but perhaps again a question that we have already asked ourselves, and so it goes on throughout life, until the mind can stand it no longer.So again, I ask myself, why do I keep reading fiction. I am revisiting Bernhard in an attempt to answer this question. Is it a question I’ve asked myself before, yes. Can my mind stand it any longer, probably not. After months of searching those many years ago I did finally find another job, though not in a public library and almost by accident, through a contact at a radical leftist library where I was volunteering. Suddenly I was connected to a large university with reciprocal lending access to libraries at the most prestigious universities in the country. Jackpot. I began requesting stacks of books every week—all the obscure out-of-print tomes I craved. Like any other addiction it was a bottomless pit but I kept on diving anyway, until I finally got the bends and stopped reading fiction altogether for a time.
When we are dealing with people we are only dealing with so-called people, just as when we are dealing with facts we are only dealing with so-called facts, just as the whole of matter, since it only emanates from the human mind, is only so-called matter, just as we know that everything emanates from the human mind and from nothing else, if we understand the concept knowledge and accept it as a concept that we understand.When I returned to fiction I mined in unfamiliar directions but ultimately it did not make a difference—I was hollowed out and nothing could fill me. So I returned again and again to the ones who had first shaken me. What became clear—and by clear of course I mean a so-called clarity akin to peering through a smeared windshield someone has halfheartedly rubbed with an oil-soaked rag—was that I had already found the writers who would always be most important to me and the distillation of their spirits was so volatile that I could achieve no greater intoxication. I was not actually hollowed out—I was full up and anything else I poured in there only spilled over the sides onto the ground, where it dried up into ashy word flakes that crumbled into a powder I no longer recognized after a week or two.
The consciousness that you are nothing but fragments, that short periods and longer ones and the longest ones are nothing but fragments…that the duration of cities and countries is nothing but fragments…and the earth a fragment…that all of evolution is a fragment…there is no completion…that the fragments have evolved and are evolving…no trajectory, only arrivals…that the end is without consciousness…that then there is nothing without you and that therefore nothing is…A life in reading is composed of fragments because life is composed of fragments. Perhaps to be deliberate in one’s reading is an attempt, conscious or not, to deny this. Likewise, when I write I do not see a beginning, middle, and end because I do not see that in life. To be deliberate in writing from a so-called start to a so-called finish denies the fragments I see in everything. Thomas Bernhard knew this—he was a story destroyer, after all. And every other writer I hold close to me writes like they also are writing the fragments of life—perhaps those of their own lives cloaked in the velvety robe of fiction or perhaps not. It is not important to me either way. What matters is I feel their words in my blood.
Dear sir, I cannot evade your inquiry: I saw the disorder in our tower, which was placed at our disposal by our uncle, I looked into the black kitchen, even while I was looking at the half-opened door to the internist's consulting room... into the tower, in which the chaotic conditions of a pair of brothers chained to each other unto death, spoiled by learning and by dreams, forsaken by their parents, prevailed among mountains of books and hopelessness...- from 'Amras'
You want me to go and play watten again. But I am not going to play watten again. I no longer play watten. Tear up the floor of the hut and you will find some horrible things, I say. A person like me is full of tricks and is constantly waiting for a person who will destroy his tricks while destroying his head, dear sir.- from Watten
What we see we think, and, as a result, do not see it, says Oehler, whereas others have no problem in seeing what they are seeing being they do not think what they see.from Walking
I am walking into the bell jar of our sensations ... pointless attempt at a swift escape from hopelessness ... with my head schooled in darkness, welded to darkness, from one extreme to the other ... conflicts ... forever into the depth through depth, guided by the power of imagination ... In that thought I pursued my self for a while ... To avoid suffocation, I suddenly turned back in that thought ... as if for dear life I had run back into myself in that thought ... [from "Amras", ellipses and italics not mine]
The truck driver says: if you go and play watten again, doctor, I will tell the others you are going to play the watten again. You can hear everything more clearly in the dark, I say, you see nothing, you hear everything more clearly. In desperation, no matter where you are, no matter where you have to stay in this world, I say, you can, from one moment to the next, out of desperation, exit the tragedy (you are in) and enter the comedy (you are in), or vice versa, at any moment exit the comedy (you are in) and enter the tragedy (you are in). [from "Playing Watten"]