Hold Me Close, Let Me Go: A Mother, a Daughter and an Adolescence Survived

by Adair Lara

What does a mother do when her teenaged daughter is spinning out of control and nothing is bringing her back? Here is a searingly honest memoir of motherhood and a testament to the power of love and family.

When Adair Lara’s daughter Morgan turned thirteen, she was transformed, seemingly overnight, from a sweet, loving child into an angry, secretive teenager who would neither listen nor be disciplined. The author, her youngest son, Patrick, her ex-husband, Jim, and her new husband, Bill, all stepped on a five-year roller-coaster ride in which Morgan incarnated the chaos principle in torn jeans and dyed hair. Drinking, drugging, disappearing, suspicious companions, failing and cheating at school, joy riding in a stolen car–there was no variety of adolescent acting out that she didn’t indulge in. For Adair Lara it became an endless sojourn at the end of her rope, a trial immensely complicated by the reappearance in her life of her aging father, a man who had abandoned his wife and seven children decades earlier. Inevitably, Morgan’s misbehavior revives memories of her own headstrong adolescence, while her father’s presence makes agonizingly real for her the consequences of giving up. Paradoxically, he also becomes the source of her best advice.

Hold Me Close, Let Me Go is an emotionally charged, often brutally honest memoir that all parents (and anyone who was ever a teenager) will experience shocks of recognition from while reading. It imparts invaluable lessons about holding loved ones close through the roughest passages and about the power of family to overcome the most grievous obstacles. Adair Lara is a clear-eyed and eloquent witness to the complex costs and rewards of motherhood, and her book will redefine for readers their idea of what being “a good enough mother” really means.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Parenting

288 pages, Hardcover

First published July 3, 2001

Reviews

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. I read this book probably in 2005. My oldest was 11 at that point. The book seemed so far beyond the pale, but I also kind of scared myself reading it. I wondered, could things really get that bad between me and my oldest child? I am re-reading it now, and realizing, yes. And no. Things are different, and yet the same, in my relationship with my child. The book is great solace, and also great relief.

This is a memoir of a real mother trying to figure out in a real way how to deal with a problem child. Adair Lara also chronicles her own relationship with her own parents--a weary mother of seven teens, and a father who decides that the county can take care of his children. She forges a relationship with her now-aging father, who actually teaches her, in part, how to deal with her own child who has great similarities to himself in personality.

This is one of those books that is incredible and almost unbelievable unless you have been through something similar. I believe her now!

[Scott · Rating 3 out of 5]

I actually read this book, as opposed to hearing it as an audiobook. Writing is a lot like Anna Quindlen (sp?). The only way she writes this book about coming of age problems with her teenage 'hell child' daughter is if it all works out in the end - and it miraculously does. Morgan, the daughter, is into drugs, gets kicked out of school, is belligerent to her Mom and step-Dad (in a bizarre home living arrangement), is in a car accident, etc. Mom tries different approaches including kicking her out of the house, sending her to live with her relatives, etc. It seems sure to end in disaster. The Morgan gets pregnant. She decides 'on her own' to have an abortion. The experience is a wake-up call, and she suddenly 'grows up', finishes HS, likes her Mom again, and ultimately graduates from UC Santa Cruz (Go Slugs!?). Hmmm. The writing is excellent and is brutally honest. The side plot of the writer's relationship with her dying Dad is poignant, as well. I can relate to much of what she's gone through on some levels. Again it inspires me to write my own story.

[Christine Hiller · Rating 3 out of 5]

While Lara's journey with her daughter was undoubtedly a difficult one, I walked away from this story feeling like I had little insight as to what she would have or could have done differently if she was given the chance. This memoir was more like "here's what we went through" and a lot less "here's why" or "here's how we survived" or "here's what we learned". In fact, I got the impression that she really didn't learn that much, other than that possibly (1) nothing she could have done would have mattered, and (2) she might have done things right even though she didn't know what she was doing and nothing seemed to be working. I felt the lack of introspection and thoughtful perspective made this book less powerful than it might have been otherwise. It definitely isn't a book that you would turn to for insight if you were looking to navigate your child's difficult adolescence, other than to know that other people have been there too!

[Eva-Marie Nevarez · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was your average "kid being bad" memoir from Mom in my opinion. The kid did a lot of messed up stuff but was far from being the worst kid in the world. I think the Mom did a lot of turning everything inward and making everything about her in the book. Not sure if that played a part in how her relationship was with her daughter but I did notice that in the book.
I do have to say- this made me even more greatful for the family that I have. And I mean that more than anyone knows. This womans extended family struck me as very odd. Especially the father who was a large, large part of the book. His part did feed into the book okay but it really had little to do with what the story was truly about.
I wouldn't actually hand this to someone and tell them to read it but it served it's purpose for me I suppose.

[Belinda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book years ago when I was going through some similar situations, and recently recommended to a friend who is also dealing with control issues with her child. I think it was a great read. I highly recommend it. I did what most parents do when they encounter control issues with their children. I swept things under the carpet, I made excuses, I blamed everyone else, I tried to "fix" things, because I felt guilty for their troubles, I tried to make up for everything with gifts, and buying cooperation. In the end, years after finishing the book, years after my legal responsibility is over, I still wish I had stabbed my uterus repeatedly with an ice pick before I conceived. If I had it to do all over again, I don't think I would.

[Natasha · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wow, this was depressing but that is not the only reason that I absolutely don't recommend it. As both a psychotherapist as well as a mother and a daughter, when I saw this book on the library shelf it piqued my interest. How wrong I was. It was terrible! The author tells her own story of motherhood but from the perspective that all mothers will parent a teen daughter who eventually becomes drug addicted and goes on to have an abortion. The author offers no solution to the problem beyond kicking her daughter out of the house and pawning her on relatives who are just as ill-equipped as her to parent. Yuck!!

[Denise · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good book. I read it for a class and enjoyed it. While it might scare parents of preteens, I would think it is good for parents of troubled teens because it definitely lets them know that they are not alone. It is a good first hand account of a mother who had to deal with her teenage daughter's antics. The book is written honestly and gives you a chance to see where you might do things differently as a parent. This book was easy to read and entertaining enough to be read for purposes other than school work.

[Beth · Rating 1 out of 5]

I bought this book from a yard sale and it had a sticker on it that said it belonged to JELLO. So I know that its had at least 2 homes already. I think I would have enjoyed this book a lot more if I were a parent with a teenager. However, I'm in my early twenties and therefore I cant really relate to the problems Ms. Lara faced with her daughter who is almost exactly my age. If the book would have been written from her perspective I might have enjoyed it more or I might have thought she was immature

[Krissy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was okay. It was pretty much just about this girl and her adolescence and how she drove her family crazy. It made me think of me and my sister's teenage years and how we did similar things, for which I feel bad now. I have to say, though, no matter how many bad and self-destructive things I did, I would NEVER say the things to my mother that this girl said to hers. Other than that, the book was okay but nothing too special.

[Maureen Doig · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved this book, in a sad, funny, gripping way. Anyone who has gone through any of these struggles will know the worry and pain. Adair's fight and love for all the family , even at the worst times, is amazing.

[Rachel Gioia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I do enjoy memoirs every once in a while for a change of pace. This one was intense. Hard to read as a parent. I can't imagine going through this with my own children. Well-written and a quicker read.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting to read what it is like raising a precocious teenage daughter, but not much insight into why her daughter turned out to be precocious in the first place...

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A troubling read for parents of teens that struggle with control issues.

[Stevy · Rating 3 out of 5]

reminds me of the relationship that my sister and I have with my mom

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good book about the complexities of a teenage daughter and mother relationship. Also focuses on how their relationship impacts others in their lives.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Seeing this book tonight give me a jolt to where I was 14 years ago with my 16-year-old daughter. We all are happy healthily etc but those were rough times!

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eh, I just really couldn't stand the main character/author if the book- she played the victim way too much.

[Deb (Readerbuzz) Nance · Rating 3 out of 5]

Harrowing.