He Said, She Said

by Deborah Tannen

PORTABLE PROFESSOR™ is a series of exciting and informative lectures recorded by some of today's most renowned university and college professors. Each course introduces listeners to fascinating, and sometimes startling, insights into the intellectual forces that shape our understanding of the world. Each package includes 14 riveting lectures presented by notable professors as well as a book-length course guide.

Professor Deborah Tannen's groundbreaking research into the fundamental differences between the ways in which the sexes communicate using language forms the basis for this fascinating series of lectures. From conversational style and body language to the use of tone and idiom, and beginning very early in life, men and women relate to each other and among themselves in startlingly different—and surprisingly predictable—ways. This course explores many of the reasons for these differences and probes the pitfalls, consequences, and benefits of these varying modes of interaction.

COURSE LECTURES

He Said/She Said: A Framework for Understanding Conversations Between Men and Women The Source of Gender Patterns: Children at Play A Cross-Cultural Approach to Gender Talk The Role of Opposition in Men's Relationships The Role of Talk in
Women's Relationships The Interplay of Power and Connection Ambiguity and Polysemy: Two Keys to
Understanding Language and Gender Indirectness: Not in So Many Words Talking at Home: Gender in the Family Talking at Work Who Talks More?: Public and Private Speaking A History of Research on Gender and Languages Nature/Nurture: The Source of Gender Differences Conclusion: What Can You Do?
Deborah Tannen is University Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. She has written countless articles along with nineteen books, including the best-sellingYou Just Don't Understand, That's Not What I Meant!, and I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partners, Sibs, and Kids When You Are All Adults.Tannen lectures around the world and regularly appears on television as an expert on
interpersonal communication.

Genres: Nonfiction, Linguistics, Communication, Audiobook, Self Help, Language, Marriage

Audio CD

First published January 1, 1996

About the author

Deborah Tannen is best known as the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on The New York Times Best Seller list for nearly four years years, including eight months as No. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages. It was also on best seller lists in Brazil, Canada, England, Germany, Holland, and Hong Kong. This is the book that brought gender differences in communication style to the forefront of public awareness. Her book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work , a New York Times Business Best Seller, does for the workplace what the earlier book did for women and men talking at home. She has also made a training video, Talking 9 to 5. Her book, The Argument Culture, received the Common Ground Book Award. Her book, I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults, received a Books for a Better Life Award. Her latest book, You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, was recently published in paperback by Ballantine; it spent ten weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List after its initial publication in 2006.

Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.

In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.

Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.

Reviews

[LA · Rating 5 out of 5]

This sociological look at the difference in male and female speech is an excellent resource for managers of employees of both genders. For women who work in male-dominated fields such as the sciences or engineering, construction or law enforcement, it is an extremely helpful guide.

Little girls have been taught by American society not to situate themselves above other girls in hierarchy. Nobody likes a bossy girl, and the tall poppy gets her head lopped off. When a grown woman is given a compliment, instead of saying thank you, her knee-jerk reaction is often to say "oh I got it at 75% off" or "I got lucky with those test questions." When someone tries to elevate them above their peer group, women have been conditioned to shrink them selves back down to the flat level of their contemporaries.

Let's say that you are an intuitive woman and know that you have been subjected to this sort of social pressure most of your life. You decide to stand up boldly and take credit for your own ideas. When you get praised for the new promotion, you say thank you, I have worked really hard for five years for this.

Sounds great, right? Maybe. The males around you and the females around you may not be as enlightened, and your neutral self-confidence might be seen as a braggart's self interest.

On the flipside, young boys are encouraged to best one another in their play. Sports and tussling on the playground show clear victors and clear losers. Instead of the flat social levels that girls are encouraged to keep, boys work in a hierarchy with generally one or two leaders. Other boys will try to ascend and increase their status, and that is acceptable. Consider two grown men who are friends but have not seen one another in a couple of months. After greeting each other, one man may comment on the others paunchy belly and comment that it looks like he has not been missing any meals. His friend will laugh but counter that at least he still has all of the hair on his head. The first man tries to scramble above his friend in playful jest, and the other knocks him back down to send him back to his position.

Can you IMAGINE one woman commenting that another female has gotten chubby and it going over well?

When a male is employed in a female dominated industry, perhaps in nursing, teaching, or design, the speech patterns that he has cultivated over his entire life might land him in a mine field with females in the office around him.

Because females have been conditioned to treat everyone as equals, a woman may unknowingly insult her superior if he is an older male - just by communicating with him as if he were her equal.

Men who have been conditioned to expect hierarchy often find themselves acting as "yes men" to their superior/supervisor. There is a horrifying example in her book that is the transcript of communication between a pilot and his copilot on a plane that tragically crashed into an icy river outside of Washington DC many years ago. The copilot had more experience flying in icy conditions and knew that things were not as they should be, but he did not question or challenge the pilots decision to proceed.
He did not think it his place to question his superior, and tragedy followed. Following this event and others, the aviation industry started putting its flight crews through communications training as part of its safety program.

Obviously, I am simplifying and generalizing how males and females speak with one another, but I found this book about communication styles to be excellent.

[Alex · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the second of Deborah Tannen’s lecture series I listened to. While there were a couple more business-oriented examples in this one, I found it covered almost the exact same territory as Communication Matters: "That's Not What I Meant!": The Sociolinguistics of Everyday Conversation

I’d recommend listening to that one and not this one, as I found it generally more useful in everyday life. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1...

[Dawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was incredibly interesting. It felt like an overview of her work on the subject and I will try reading one of her books to see if there is more detail.

[Donna · Rating 3 out of 5]

The words may be the same but the interpretation could be totally different! Especially when the communication is from a man or a woman. Men speak and interpret one way and women speak and interpret another way for the same words. That's what Dr. Tannen's research shows. This is another of her tantalizing collection of books on communication (e.g. You Just Don't Understand; Talking from 9 to 5; The Argument Culture; I Only Say This Because...., among others). While her books are research based they are very readable and pull back the curtain on some really important elements to ensuring accurate communication. I listened to this Audible rendition and it made the experience better since she narrated it and I could hear her emphasis as she described the settings and conversational dyads and dimensions. Quite fun.

[Payam · Rating 3 out of 5]

A great start to understanding the difference men and women have in their communication patterns. I do not believe the research translates well into other cultures though. Cultural and religious influences will significantly impact how communication is interpreted altogether. For example, simply the act of Iranian singles mingling will be seen much stronger and forward acting; the words are secondary to the action. Religiously, certain communication patterns would be classified as "sinful" or "lacking thought of God". In these cases, it is hard to port over the teachings of this audiobook. Having said that, it is still a great start and provides you with intelligence on how to treat an "average" man or woman; unfortunately, few people are ever really "average".

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting...this really has me thinking about the way I use language. I also notice patterns in everyday conversations. Tannen addressed some of the common misconceptions and perceptions around the way men and women speak. Also tips for avoiding conversation/communication barriers at home and at work.

Listening to this audio lecture series was interesting. Deborah Tannen did plenty of self-promoting. The lecture guide annoyed me--at the end of every chapter I was reminded that I could go online and pull up the course workbook and find out more. I could have done without the reminders.

[Don · Rating 4 out of 5]

competitive vs cooperative, better vs same, negotiate out or in, hierarchic or not, understanding vs repair, negotiate status vs story, argue with me and agree with women, men playful insults to create community, less interruption, learn to apologize, as code talkers, sorry ritual reply, have you thought of vs how about this and let me know outcome, survey men talk more, use humor to address awkward situations, politics as arguments in Germany and Israel, aggressive behavior higher in US lowest in oriental nations, understand to love, admit mistakes, style of conversation.

[Kevin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good. Great info about the different styles and nuances that exist between men and women's communication. Understanding them can lead to recognizing them which can then help to bridge that gap that may be occurring. Very useful.

[Nathan Shepherd · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offers fascinating insights into typical differences between men and women in their communication styles. I question some of the findings, but many corresponded with my own experience. A good book for understanding - maybe even improving - interpersonal communication.

[Alexandrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderfully insightful! I loved the humor and exploration of not only gender stereotypes in speaking style, but also how these difference might change or play out in various social and cultural contexts. Communication definitely does matter!

[Troy Blackford · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great examination of different conversational styles and approaches. I learned a lot about the different attitudes people might have to talking. I personally talk as much as possible, so this will hopefully help me out a little.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great self-help book on the realationship between a husband and wife and some tips on how to make it better.

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

As advertised, you'll learn a bevy of information on male/female communication and the lack thereof. I think for even more learning I'll need to read and discuss the author's books with my wife.

[Viraj · Rating 5 out of 5]

EXCELLENT audiobook. Worth listening to a few times. Recommended. I would also listen to it with my other half. This is not a book to summarize but to listen to in full.

[LemontreeLime · Rating 3 out of 5]

This made a great deal of sense, and i could recognize many behaviors she described. How nutty, who knew. Something to ponder.

[Rebecca Goulder · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audio version of this book. It was a real eye opener. She is an author I have consistently recommended to anyone that I know who has more than a passing interest in communication.

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dang! I wish I had this years ago! Not especially for hubby, but for a better understanding while raising my boys. Entertaining AND informative.

[Mihai Rosca · Rating 4 out of 5]

While looking for some books on communication, I stumbled across He Said, She Said by Deborah Tannen. I was looking for something a bit different but since I have this audio version I gave it a try while running errands in my car. I must say, I was fascinated by some of the author's observations. The book dives into the fascinating (and sometimes hilarious) ways men and women approach communication, and spoiler: it’s not just about what’s said—it’s how it’s said.

Here are some key Points from the book.

1. Rapport vs. Report
Women tend to focus on building connection and nurturing relationships (rapport talk).
Men are often about exchanging information, asserting dominance or keeping their place in the hierarchy (report talk).

2. Conversations as Connections vs. Competitions:
Women see conversations as a way to bond and relate.
Men often approach them like a zero sum game—someone wins, someone loses.

3. Details vs. The Big Picture:
Women emphasize specifics and details, often as a way to show they’re listening and empathetic.
Men focus on the bottom line, skipping the fluff to get to the point.

4. Apologies:
Women use apologies as a way to express empathy or smooth over awkward moments.
Men often interpret apologies as an admission of weakness or fault. Insisting on an apology is like rubbing their face in the dirt.

5. Storytelling Styles:
Women share personal stories and focus on the emotional connection.
Men’s stories are about achievements or challenges—and often paint themselves as the hero.

6. Interruptions:
Women interrupt to build connection (e.g., finishing someone’s sentence to show they’re on the same wavelength).
Men interrupt to take control or redirect the conversation.

7. Compliments:
Women offer compliments to support and uplift others.
Men, less inclined to compliment, may perceive excessive praise as insincere or manipulative.

8. Disagreements:
Women aim to avoid direct conflict and use more indirect ways to disagree or suggest alternatives.
Men are often comfortable with direct confrontation—it’s not personal, just business.

The audio version I have was a set of lectures with the author's voice on them. I liked the pacing and the way things were explained. There are plenty of real-life examples that make you laugh, cringe, and nod in recognition. But it’s not just about pointing fingers—it’s about understanding where the other person is coming from so you can bridge the communication gap.

The writing is sharp, insightful, and surprisingly funny, but it’s also a lot. Tannen goes deep, and some sections feel like a college lecture.

That said, He Said, She Said is a must-read for anyone who’s ever thought, “Why don’t they just understand what I’m saying?”

[Maksim Karpitski · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having listened to these lectures on gendered differences in speech behavior by sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, it looks to me like ESL learners are generally taught to speak 'like a woman', in that you're taught to be a nice, not just effective speaker, to engage other people who participate in a conversation and to employ a lot of language and strategies that men tend not to use (like rising tones, tag questions, all those polite sentence starters, making compliments and a whole bunch of other stuff). On the other hand, 'manly' strategies, like 'tough talk' with its irony and playful insults are hardly ever present during the lessons. This is of course reinforced by the fact that the overwhelming majority of teachers are female, so they will mostly lean towards 'women talk', and also by relying mostly on scripted conversations and 'respectable' texts to teach, which is a problem in and of its own. But in the end, an ESL learner could do much worse than speak like a woman. After all, with the exeption of just a few 'men strategies' that are being left out, it does mean being taught a greater range of means to express yourself and being able to pick whatever you like more. All hail the women talk!

[Chad Schultz · Rating 2 out of 5]

This confusingly titled work seems to be a recording of college lectures repeating the author's actual book "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation". Although I enjoyed that book and found it interesting and useful, I am unclear why this set of recorded lectures exists. Forget this one - just get "You Just Don't Understand" instead. It's a good read.

[Nicole M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative and easy-listening lecture series.

[Leah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Slightly repetitive. Still...insightful and worth the read.

[Major Doug · Rating 1 out of 5]

Listened to these lectures: Doc Debbie has some good stats, & her theories back up the premise that females do not know how to talk in an intelligible manner.

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely enlightening. Good introduction to the topics she covers in her other books.

[Tom Rowe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting lecture series on male/female speaking patterns. I recommend.

[Katie O'connell · Rating 4 out of 5]

audio book was much easier for me to pay attention