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No Touch Monkey!: And Other Travel Lessons Learned Too Late

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Ayun Halliday may not make for the most sensible travel companion, but she is certainly one of the zaniest, with a knack for inserting herself (and her unwitting cohorts) into bizarre situations around the globe. Curator of kitsch and unabashed aficionada of pop culture, Halliday offers bemused, self-deprecating narration of events from guerrilla theater in Romania to drug-induced Apocalypse Now reenactments in Vietnam to a perhaps more surreal collagen-implant demonstration at a Paris fashion show emceed by Lauren Bacall. On layover in Amsterdam, Halliday finds unlikely trouble in the red-light district—eliciting the ire of a tiny, violent madam, and is forced to explain tampons to soldiers in Kashmir—"they’re for ladies. Bleeding ladies"—that, she admits, "might have looked like white cotton bullets lined up in their box." A self-admittedly bumbling vacationer, Halliday shares—with razor-sharp wit and to hilarious effect—the travel stories most are too self-conscious to tell. Includes line drawings by the author.

272 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2003

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About the author

Ayun Halliday

15 books114 followers
Ayun Halliday is the Chief Primatologist of the long running, award-winning East Village Inky zine and author of the self-mocking autobiographies No Touch Monkey! And Other Travel Lessons Learned Too Late, The Big Rumpus  Dirty Sugar Cookies: Culinary Observations, Questionable Taste, and Job Hopper. She collaborated with illustrators Dan Santat on the picture book Always Lots of Heinies at the Zoo, and Paul Hoppe on Peanut, a graphic novel for young adults. Luddite vagabonds may remember her as the author of the analog guidebook, The Zinester's Guide to NYC.  She is a regular contributor to Open Culture, and freelances both articles and illustrations to a variety of other publications.

Ayun's latest books are Creative, Not Famous: The Small Potato Manifesto and its interactive companion Creative, Not Famous Activity Book: An Interactive Idea Generator for Small Potatoes & Others Who Want to Get Their Ayuss in Gear

She lives in East Harlem with the playwright Greg Kotis.

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5 stars
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217 (6%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 355 reviews
Profile Image for karen.
4,012 reviews172k followers
December 26, 2009
so this counts as my first fight with ayun halliday.not necessarily a fight, but a disillusionment,like when you find out your partner was only pretending to like wolfsheim to get into your pants, and only too late realizing it was all a sham. this is how betrayed i feel. it may not be a true betrayal, simply a shift in focus. dirty sugar cookies was a great book because it highlighted her fearlessness to expose inelegant or embarrassing details of her life and decisions which is applause-worthy. this book highlights her fearlessness in coming across as smug and self-satisfied, which makes me wince a little.

it might also be the subject matter. food is central to my life, distant world travel is not. ever since they wanted me to pay for the privilege of peeing in a hole in the ground in venice in freezing weather, i have been less than enthusiastic about unfamiliar surroundings. i also no longer wear pants outside the house, just in case. (that's american pants, not unders).

dunno - in the blush of first love, i went out and bought all her books,l so i still have some here to win me back. this may just be early outset awkwardness, like finding out your partner used to be in up with people or something - i'm willing to overlook youthful indiscretions, but i'm no sucker. cool it with the ceramic peace symbols and the hippie bullshit or i am out.
Profile Image for Morgan Salvador.
34 reviews
December 2, 2007
I was very excited to begin reading No Touch Monkey! and Other Travel Lessons Learned Too Late. How could I not love a book with such a wonderfully quirky title? Not to mention, there's a shining review from Stephen Colbert (love him!) written right there on the front cover. Honestly though, if it weren't for my no-book-gets-left-behind policy, I would have ditched this book after reading the first few stories.

This book would be more aptly titled Shit that Happened to me While Traveling the World with my Myriad of Boring Boyfriends; One of Whom Eventually Became my Boring Husband. The author failed to convey many, if any, true travel lessons in this book that a normally intelligent human being wouldn't know already. Oh, you mean you SHOULDN'T take pictures of the working girls in Amsterdam's Red Light District?! Really?? Geez, come on now, that is not a travel lesson, that's common courtesy. Oh, and you SHOULDN'T go into an Asian jungle alone at midnight because you were invited to a native tribe's authentic wedding ceremony? Wow, how this chick is still alive amazes me.

There is more that I could critique about this book (the author's super ego-centric description of her travels which leaves the reader wanting to know more about the areas she traveled to, not her; her complaining about her boring ex-boyfriends despite the fact that it was her CHOICE to be with them, etc.) but honestly the book isn't worth it. This is one book where I wish that I could have judged it (accurately) by it’s cover.
Profile Image for el_quijote.
31 reviews
August 24, 2007
If you love to travel you probably promised yourself one day you would backpack across Europe or sail around the world, always carefree and blowing with the wind. Later while traveling through a strange country (usually on the frontier of what’s new, a place that just “hasn’t been ruined by tourists yet”) you may see a group of tired, dirty and miserable looking backpackers standing on a corner trying to figure out what would be the next bohemian thing to do. And then you realize how lucky you are not to be one of them.

That feeling of relief reminds me of Ayun Halliday’s adventures in her book No Touch Monkey!. She tells a good story about usually miserable conditions and manages, in most cases, to find humor in the situations she places herself. Even though I may desire to travel to the places she goes I would not want to be traveling with her.

Each chapter of Halliday’s book is a mini-story unto itself. Two chapters of the book (the best two) were previously stand alone articles in magazines. The book has no real cohesiveness and reads as though written as a series of articles that have, on second thought been made into a book. Perhaps an editor read the first two articles and thought what a good idea for a book. Halliday is better known for her internet web writing, including the zine The East Village Inky.

Halliday's writing is young and irreverent. The first chapter starts with her fresh out of Northwestern University without money but hungry to travel the world, to see fresh parts of the world untouched my ordinary tourist’s hands. The chapters proceed across Europe, Africa and the Far East, though several lover travel companions, until ending with her true love and life with children in New York.

A disappointment with No Touch Monkey! is she never seems to be having fun, just surviving crises. Most unforgiving of all is the total sense of preoccupation with herself. The book is all about her. Her thoughts, her feelings, her inner laughter. Rarely do you get a real feeling for the place she is visiting and never did I get a sense of the people. What is the purpose of traveling if all you see is yourself?
Profile Image for Glenn.
97 reviews22 followers
June 12, 2007
I have a confession to make. I think some may be shocked to hear from someone whose position makes him in some small way a caretaker of literature, but while I was re-reading “No Touch Monkey! And Other Travel Lessons Learned Too Late,” I did something that as a matter of principle, I never, ever do…I dog-eared a page. Then another. I was doing laundry, and ran out of sheets of Bounce, otherwise I would’ve used them.

But I came across a passage in Ayun Halliday’s book where she describes the indigenous Balinese religion, and the offerings and observances thereof. Its description so clearly put me where she was writing about, in the experience, that I wanted to mark it, to come back to it, and take it in again at another time. Ayun’s writing does that; it takes you places, immerses you in them, and wrings, most often from hard-earned, and yes, occasionally mortifying experience, beauty and wonder.

She’s funny as hell. She writes beautifully.
2 reviews
February 4, 2012
I'm still trying to figure out what travel lessons this author learned, because there don't seem to be any of them in the book. Other than the fact that she happened to be outside her home country of the United States when these stories took place, you can hardly call this a book of travel stories. No, it's more like the psuedo-zany things that can happen to someone unaware of their surroundings, lacking even basic understanding of their environment, and ill-prepared to cope with the problems that occur as a result. To Ayun Halliday, the world seems to end at the tip of her nose, so why bother trying to deal with any of it.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a devil-may-care, throw caution to the wind and have an adventure kind of collection. There does seem to be some sort of method to her approach. Unfortunately, it seems as if she has decided that she's going to do what the "cool" people do, in order to make herself "cool" in the process. Cool people backpack the world, I will too. Cool people get by on the bare minimum of money, I will too. Cool people delve into exotic religions and cultures, I will too. Cool people eat weird foods, I will too. Cool people are liberals, I'll be one too. The problem is, that seems to be her only motivation, to do what others have done, without even a cursory understanding of any of the reasons for why anyone else did them, let alone have any of her own reasons for doing them. It doesn't take much to put yourself in an awkward or nearly dangerous situation, and you certainly don't need to leave your hometown to do it. Not unpredictably, things don't go the way she envisioned them, and when things sour, lacking any reason for doing them in the first place, she simply abandons the effort, hoping she'll get luckier the next time. Apparently, based on these stories, this philosophy applies to her personal relationships, as well as her travel experiences.

All in all, she writes well enough. And she is certainly self-deprecating (although, to be fair, there certainly seems to be a lot there to deprecate). There is some talent, as she is able to give readers a clear sense of who she is, and what she's about. Sadly, the sense she gives is that she is a whiny, lazy, self-absorbed, over-indulged wanna-be who's only about trying to capture her own simplistic vision of other people's successes with a bare minimum of effort. Unless that's how you also see yourself, I doubt you'll find this collection very enjoyable.

Cool people write travel books, I will too!

Profile Image for Carly Johnson.
218 reviews7 followers
August 6, 2011
I'm sorry, but this book is mighty lame and not in the least bit 'funny'. The author just goes on and on about not having money, needing a drink, needing drugs, and tidbits on whatever boyfriend she's with. Reading this book is very similar to sitting next to a rambling airhead cheerleader on her cell phone - it just never stops. The plot rambles on and on, and most of the time you don't even know what she's talking about. Classic diarrhea of the mouth.
The most amusing thing about this book are actually the lines on the back cover which entice you to buy the book - unfortunately, all those lines were taken out of context so when you do actually get to those parts . . . . they are not funny. I did manage to finish the book, and what a waste of time and effort that was.
Profile Image for Kelly.
195 reviews30 followers
April 27, 2008
If you have no common sense and desire to travel the world this book might be for you. Avoid everything the author did and you'll have a successful trip. Better yet, avoid the book and go on your trip because you could hardly do things more ridiculously than this author did. All in all a big disappointment of a book.
25 reviews4 followers
September 15, 2007
I've been reading a LOT of travel books in preparing for my move. I picked this one up on the glowing recommendation by Stephen Colbert on the cover. Unfortunately, it didn't quite live up to my expectations. Actually, it didn't at all.

The writer is a hippie (or so she keeps telling us) who, more often than not, brings along a REALLY LAME boyfriend (or so she keeps describing them) who are never able to come within a country mile of her spirit of romanticism and cultural understanding and blah-blee-bloo-blah. Whatever, author! I don't care!!!! Use your experiences to give me some real insight, not yr "My boyfriend was so square and didn't appreciate the ancient indigenous art of the lost tribe of Whozawaka, not like IIIIIIIIIIIIIII did/And then I read [insert really hip novel] here, it was soooo meaningful/etc" egotistical nonsense. To me, the most enjoyable travel stories (both first and second-hand experiences) is about losing yourself in the experience, not hanging onto yr ego the whole time. And mentioning how you fell in the toilet does not qualify.

Anyway, the book was written in a very casual, accessible style, and did have some funny bits in there, but all in all it was kind of a chore to make it cover-to-cover. I just returned it to Borders and that was that.

Oh yeah, and for a hippie, she sure can't handle her drugs. Get it together, poseur!!!
Profile Image for Jeff.
49 reviews91 followers
March 19, 2008
There was a monkey on the cover, and while I'm sure there's a story about a monkey somewhere in the book, I never got to it.
I found myself bored... well, this is really my fault, cause I don't ever go anywhere exotic on vacation. Ayun goes on African safari's on a shoe string budget on her vacations. I do laundry and walk around the mall on my vacations.
She takes vacations with boyfriends, husbands, family, alone... I don't even like to eat by myself, much less wander around a far off land. I simply couldn't relate. Finally, if you're going to write about your adventures in life, I need to have a reason to read about your adventures. I need you to tell me that you learned something other than, "Don't eat the dogs in Singapore." All I learned from this book is that sometimes, when in Europe, you have to pay to use the bathroom.
What I want, what I need is for you to give me the big reveal, about how there are 6 billion people on this planet, and while we all eat different things, really no one ever wants to eat alone.
Profile Image for Paul Steele.
125 reviews8 followers
October 20, 2010
An entertaining book, but if Stephen Colbert really laughed at every page as he says on his review... he is WAY too easily amused.

Don't get me wrong, I did laugh, but only a couple of times. I think I was more shocked that someone would continue to travel after placing herself (and her traveling companions) in danger time and time again. I would definitely put several of these tales in the "don't try this at home (or abroad)" category. I'm hoping this is just a collection of mis-adventures and that Ms. Halliday actually had some travel experiences that went well.

Her writing is witty and brings a bit of light to these tales, but not really what I was hoping for.
Profile Image for Kalie Lyn.
Author 2 books4 followers
February 29, 2012
After I finish a book, I usually ponder it for a day or two before I write its review. However, with No Touch Monkey by Ayun Halliday, my review was already written before I finished the first chapter. And it contained one repeatable word: outrageous.

I’ll be honest. This was my second attempt at reading this book. My first time was last year, and not being able to get into it after the first couple of pages, I gave up and tossed it aside. Yet, last week I picked it back up, agreeing to give it another try; I mean look at the cover! It called to me! I then realized that the problem the first time was not with the book at all. The problem had been with me.

I am a seasoned travelogue reader, but no other travel memoir has been able to captivate me, splitting my sides in the process, much like No Touch Monkey has. Ayun (wish I knew how it was pronounced!) Halliday writes with such vibrant personality, it is hard not to wish she was your best friend. Her witty anecdotes, good-natured blunt descriptions, and her seriously funny – often surprisingly random – experiences ranging from Bali to Amsterdam, makes this book unlike any other.

With all that said, I am disappointingly surprised to see so many bad reviews of this book on Goodreads – a site I trust a lot. True, this book does not contain as much information or history about the places she visits as much as it includes her travel antics, but that is one of the reasons why I feel in love with her stories. Halliday makes you want to jump off the couch and create your own wild experiences abroad, which is a huge aspect I look for in reading travelogues.

Simply put, No Touch Monkey is definitely outrageous: outrageously hilarious, outrageously entertaining, and you would be an outrageous fool not to read it.

Check out my other book reviews at: http://palmtreesbarefeet.wordpress.co...
Profile Image for Nicole R.
1,018 reviews
September 30, 2012
Have you ever had friends who go on a trip together and, upon their return, host a get-together at their place in order to share photos and stories? You show up full of excitement and high expectations, which are quickly dashed when your friends start telling stories that are not funny to anyone but them yet they insist on telling them in excruciating detail, punctuated with fits of giggles, while you barely manage to keep a smile plastered on your face and resist looking at your watch more than every five minutes.

That's what this book was like. Painful but I kept reading in case the next page contained the side-splitting story that was promised. But, it never came. Why two stars you ask? There was a story involving the author and a camel that brought a true smile to my lips. No chuckle, mind you, but something that didn't quite resemble the grimace that was plastered there the other 260 pages.
Profile Image for Aimee.
108 reviews1 follower
October 12, 2007
I anticipated a good read here, having seen a few rave reviews on Amazon's website. The author describes her low-budget adventures to exotic places. She would like you to think she's an ultra-cool hipster. She acts like a pretentious twit. Some of her misadventures could have been prevented with some "homework" and a more respectful approach to the respective host country's citizens. One example made me cringe: She entered the kitchen of a Hindu household with the idea of "helping". Not only did she get underfoot, non-Hindus are considered "unclean" and food/cooking pots, etc. that are touched would be considered contaminated.
Profile Image for Caroline.
7 reviews6 followers
April 20, 2008
OMG this book is Awesome! I only wish I would have read it in my rebel, non-conformist, wanna back pack around the world days! Not that I don't still want to but am clearly devoted to 'monkey business' and reading other peoples travel memoirs! This one is freaking hilarious! I mean I'm honestly roaring laughing outloud and the balls this girl has....WOW! Empowering! I would recommend this book to anyone who loves traveling or learning about new places....esp anyone who loves travel memoirs like I do! Totally worth your time! Hard to put down!
Profile Image for Lora.
67 reviews4 followers
February 24, 2013
Such a good travel book! Short, discrete chapters that usually left me laughing out loud. AND, her references to the Rainbow Bridge in Broadripple while smoking on the roof in Thailand (or was it Bali?) make this a must-read for anyone familiar with Indianapolis.

Easy to read, funny, real stories, and so lovely to relate to. Forget "Eat, Pray, Love." I much prefer to travel like Ayun Halliday.
Profile Image for Magila.
1,328 reviews14 followers
October 8, 2011
In truth, this book deserves a 2.5. I rounded down, because of how much I disliked the author (as a person) based off her memoir.

The writing is average. 3 average. She peppers the books with unnecessary profanity, probably because she peppers her own speech with the same. Most importantly, you expect something different than what this book delivers based off the title "... Monkey! And Other Travel Lessons Learned Too Late." You expect words of wisdom.

I can't be too certain, but I am not altogether convinced there was anything wise in this book. It chronicles the travel of this girl, trying to be authentic through backpack and low-budget travel, going here or there with whatever boyfriend she had at the time in a chronological fashion. It ends with discussion of travel with her husband, and even young kid, but reading the book just makes me want to slap the author.

She strikes me as this daughter of a middle class family so bent on travel and with such a need to prove her authenticity that she travels for extended periods below her means. She spends more time discussing her political ideology than she does offering any semblance of advice. And by the way, she's a brat. I don't know the woman personally, and would be inclined to change my tune upon evidence to the contrary. That said, her chapters on Etiquette and concluding chapter on Freedom demonstrated more her narcissistically based world-view than anything that could be considered travelogue - or redeeming. So I rounded down from a thematic miss, 3, to a 2.
Profile Image for Julie.
45 reviews
September 8, 2014
I agree with the reviewer who called the author of this book smug. I feel that Halliday was rather snotty in her self-congratulatory tone describing how offbeat she was in traveling on a shoe-string budget. Also, I don't feel that the subtitle is all that correct since I do not think that the author learned any real or helpful lessons from her own self-produced misadventures. She just came across as a whiny individual- especially in the first couple chapters of her travelogue/memoir when she kept griping about how people were not willing to spot her and her boyfriend money or to provide them other, money-based favors even though, as she herself noted, these people knew nothing about her and even less about her boyfriend(s).
Profile Image for Anne.
19 reviews
June 29, 2008
Thank goodness it's over! I picked up this travel memoir because 1) it was travel memoir, 2) the title was hilarious, and 3) Stephen Colbert, who is arguably funny 99 percent of the time, was quoted on the front about a laugh on virtually every page. I may have laughed once - hence the star - but otherwise struggled to find anything redeeming in this self-indulgent travel journal. It wasn't funny, or especially insightful, or full of interesting glimpses into different cultures and locations. The author does have a broad travel experience - I feel confident that she is interesting, even though her book was not to me. Anybody want my copy?
19 reviews
September 10, 2010
No Touch Monkey is a fun read for anyone interested in traveling through the back alleys of distant cities. This is not for the spoiled traveler whom lives in 5 star hotels - to Halliday, that's not real exploration and travel.

Her writing is quite clever and pithy at times. There is no deep underlying meaning or substance in the book, but that does not affect its scoring. It shows herself, her personality, what she goes through, especially as a bold woman traveler. It's not easy being a woman and alone in some of these sexist third world countries or hidden valley towns. The book can give some insight into what you need to have as a woman explorer. Guts and a sense of humor.
Profile Image for Jessica.
121 reviews7 followers
July 21, 2011
I found that the author is much too impressed with her own sense of humor (she is not as funny as she thinks she is), and much too full of herself as a bohemian traveler. This is not someone that I would enjoy meeting while traveling around the world. Having said that, her tolerance for roughing it is much higher than my own - I prefer to stay in places with running water and electricity, so I admire her spirit in that sense. I can also live vicariously through her adventures, knowing that I will never have the experience of backpacking through India or Vietnam. I am not sure if I will read anything else of hers.
Profile Image for Granny.
123 reviews2 followers
July 6, 2008
I was totally prepared to enjoy this travel narrative. I led tours, mostly to Third World and emerging countries in the 1980's and I usually enjoy hearing about other folks' quirky adventures abroad. I found this book both annoying and boring. There was little to be found amusing in the author's tales of bumming and buying dope in various parts of the world. As a traveler, I was polite, tried very hard to make friends in various countries and followed the rules of each nation. As a reader, I tried to be polite and finish the book. But, I didn't.
Profile Image for Judy.
1,945 reviews37 followers
July 26, 2009
This is the last book that I buy based on the cover blurb by Stephen Colbert. He said, "I laughed lard on nearly every page of this shockingly intimate travel memoir and deeply funny book." That would hook you, right? I admit that there were some funny parts, but not enough to keep me entertained. I took over a week to read this book and I usually finish a book in a day or two. I found myself losing interest in the particular adventure being related and I would put the book down and not pick it back up for a day or two. Maybe I'm just on a rant and you would like it. Give it a try.
Profile Image for Terre.
138 reviews9 followers
June 23, 2012
As usual. I love Ayun Halliday's work. This one took me a bit long to finish. Work and family commitments, nay Demands, kept interrupting. And of course, reading about her travels in places I have always wanted to go made me a bit jealous.
I like reading her take on things. She often says things that I have thought, although my thoughts may not be as eloquent. In other words, I can relate, as if Ayun is a person I could have been if I had more talent and confidence and less taste for carbs and naps.
Profile Image for Heather.
380 reviews13 followers
July 9, 2011
I just finished this travel memoir, and I thought it was pretty decent. It was a fast read and pretty entertaining, but a little disjointed. There was no easy-to-follow narrative, and the writing seemed to leave out a lot of the sort of picture painting details I prefer in travel books. Fair or not, I spent a lot of time wondering how she managed to travel so much and never actually DO much of anything. All the same, it was reasonably entertaining and I finished the entire book in less than two days, so it was worth the read.
Profile Image for Katie.
752 reviews
July 6, 2015
Not the best travel book I have ever read. She does have some great adventures, but mostly she just complains about the bad things that happened, and not in a hilarious way as promised by the Stephen Colbert review on the cover. I know this is supposed to read like the blooper reel of her experiences, but I just came away from this with the conclusion that she was whiny and really lacked common sense. I found it difficult to laugh with her or even empathize about her failures. However, I do share the author's opinion that monkeys are greedy self-entitled jerks.
Profile Image for Charlotte.
Author 62 books54 followers
January 16, 2008
I enjoy reading two kinds of travel books - those that make me feel like I'm on the trip (Blue Lattitudes, Three cups of Tea) and those written by people who really shouldn't be travelling (names withheld to protect the guilty). This is one of the latter. How miss Halliday survived to tell her tales is a mystery.
Profile Image for Lauri.
407 reviews109 followers
January 25, 2016
Hysterically funny series of travel misadventures -- but you can't help but wonder if at least some of them couldn't have been avoided by more practicality. The author boldly went where the majority of us all would never dare to go! Most of us have more common sense! I may be a bit of a snob, but if the hotel doesn't have at least 3 stars, I ain't going! Still very humorous, but a little frightening at the same time...
Profile Image for Kelsey.
309 reviews7 followers
January 19, 2009
Pretty hilarious travel-adventure book. The author is a total travel junkie and trouble maker, she has great stories and I'm glad she shares her experiences in this book.
NOT to be used as a travel guide, but an entertaining collection of stories.
Profile Image for Karla Keffer.
9 reviews38 followers
May 4, 2012
To those who take umbrage at this book's alleged "cultural insensitivity" - look, we are ALL culturally insensitive. Some are just more honest about it than others, a trait that takes no shortage of guts.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 355 reviews

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