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Divorcing a Parent: The Healthy Choice for Many Adult Children Hardcover May, 1990
Do you come away from contact with your parent with unbearable feelings of rage, low self-esteem and depression?
Is your parent hypercritical, manipulative, and/or controlling?
Do you feel unsafe when you are with your parent because of verbal abuse, negligence, or inappropriate behavior?
No matter how much you do for your parent, is it never enough?
No one should have to endure an abusive, unhealthy relationship that threatens his or her well-being -- even if that relationship is with a parent. In this ground-breaking book, Beverly Engel draws on her own personal experience, as well as the stories and letters of other adult children, to offer a complete guide to why, when and how to divorce a parent. Engel discusses good and bad reasons for taking this step, when to stop trying to reconcile, and how to prepare yourself emotionally for the actual divorce, including such alternatives as temporary separation. If you do decide that parental divorce; how to handle negative pressure from others; how to come to terms with your own grief and guilt; what to tell your own children, and how to deal with their relationships with their grandparents; how to cope with holidays; how to divorce a parent after his or her death; and what to do if you change your mind and want to reconcile.
Is your parent hypercritical, manipulative, and/or controlling?
Do you feel unsafe when you are with your parent because of verbal abuse, negligence, or inappropriate behavior?
No matter how much you do for your parent, is it never enough?
No one should have to endure an abusive, unhealthy relationship that threatens his or her well-being -- even if that relationship is with a parent. In this ground-breaking book, Beverly Engel draws on her own personal experience, as well as the stories and letters of other adult children, to offer a complete guide to why, when and how to divorce a parent. Engel discusses good and bad reasons for taking this step, when to stop trying to reconcile, and how to prepare yourself emotionally for the actual divorce, including such alternatives as temporary separation. If you do decide that parental divorce; how to handle negative pressure from others; how to come to terms with your own grief and guilt; what to tell your own children, and how to deal with their relationships with their grandparents; how to cope with holidays; how to divorce a parent after his or her death; and what to do if you change your mind and want to reconcile.
Unknown Binding
First published May 1, 1990
142 people want to read
About the author
Beverly Engel
45 books226 followersBeverly Engel has been a psychotherapist for thirty years, specializing in the areas of abuse recovery, relationships, women’s issues and sexuality. She is also the best-selling author of 20 self-help books, many of which have been featured on national television and radio programs (Oprah, CNN, Ricki Lake, Starting Over) as well as national print media (O Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Psychology Today, The Washington Post, The LA Times, and The Chicago Tribune to name a few).
She is considered one of the world’s leading experts on the issue of emotional abuse, as well as a pioneer on the issue, having written one of the first recovery books on the subject (The Emotionally Abused Woman).
She is considered one of the world’s leading experts on the issue of emotional abuse, as well as a pioneer on the issue, having written one of the first recovery books on the subject (The Emotionally Abused Woman).
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
May 29, 2020
So I originally read Divorcing a Parent over a couple of months in 2011, but then never actually got around to writing a review. And for the most part, Beverly Engel's textual musings and points of view have indeed been enlightening and in many ways even spot on with good and in my opinion also more than reasonable advice (and a book that I have found both readable, generally approachable, speaking very much the truth, well at least more often than not, and while of course not really all that enjoyable, a for me necessary reading experience). However, and that all being said, I will still only be giving a three star ranking to Divorcing a Parent, because as much as I have generally appreciated both the thematics and messages presented, there are nevertheless a few issues and points of possible contention at least for me on a personal level, authorial musings and dictates that I for one have to question and probably consider from different angles.
Now one of my absolute favourite parts of Divorcing a Parent (and something for which I am eternally grateful to the author) is that Beverly Engel obviously both does NOT expect adult children to ALWAYS understand and forgive their parents for childhood abuse (and yes, even if said abuse had never in fact been even remotely physical or sexual, even if the abuse had mostly been emotional and verbal) and that she actually also considers anger to be a necessary and even at times positive and liberating emotion and reaction, that releasing our anger (if of course it is done in a controlled manner) is actually a good thing (and yes, even if we end up deliberately breaking objects, stomping on pictures of family members with whom we have issues, even if part of our anger release is screaming offensive words at pictures of our mother or our father). For indeed, far far too many therapists still seem to very much claim that ANY outward expressions of anger are somehow inappropriate and unacceptable (and dangerous even if we are only releasing said anger and frustration at an intimate object or throwing a bunch of eggs at an outside tree on one's own property).
I mean, as children, we were generally not ever allowed to in any way be angry or feel acute animosity and open frustration towards our parents (even if they called us stupid, even if they called us lazy, even if they made nasty fun of our written poetry and such), but it also often seems that even as adults (and even in therapy), anger is still somehow a taboo subject, anger is still considered mostly unhealthy and this often to the point that many of us (and I have most definitely reacted like this) have generally during therapy swallowed emerging feelings anger. For who wants the therapist to be judgmental and nasty, who wants the therapist to engage in the same hypercritical and verbally nasty garbage that we had experienced during childhood from our family, from our supposedly nearest and dearest. And come on, many especially New-Age therapists do indeed seem to actively think and promote the rather facile idea that anger can somehow and easily be gotten rid of, that anger can simply be released without actually experiencing it (through meditation, chakra balancing, Reiki and other such dubious tools). But for those of us with a more critical and philosophical mindset and disposition, we do in fact and rather soon begin to realise that this simply does not always work, and thus, even in the midst of a guided meditation, occurring and emerging angry thoughts, flashbacks etc. are often not, as these chakra and Reiki therapists would fondly want and expect simply released to dissipate into the aether, no, they are reabsorbed and re-swallowed to once again fester internally. And while some readers might indeed feel uncomfortable with the "releasing your anger" exercises that Beverly Engel suggests and lists on pages 57 to 62 of Divorcing a Parent, I for one firmly believe that yelling, throwing eggs at a tree, punching a pillow, even throwing darts at pictures of your family is a lot more healthy and useful than believing that one can simply get rid of anger by letting go and then pretending that everything is hunky-dory and splendid.
But my positive reaction in general to the advice Beverly Engel gives in Divorcing a Parent notwithstanding, I am both not totally comfortable yet with the idea of actually totally divorcing my parents and more importantly, I personally do NOT at all think that for me and at this time, actually physically and emotionally confronting my parents (as the author suggests and what she claims is essential prior to divorcing a parent) would in any way be a positive and a productive way of acting, since both they and in fact the rest of my family have always and steadfastly claimed that there was NEVER any verbal abuse that happened and that I was basically (and I guess still am considered) an overly-sensitive entitled and ungrateful snowflake like whiner (and yes, the one time, I did dare to ask my parents why my siblings and even the family's horses were seemingly always more important than my needs and what I had to say and think, I was told pretty clearly and succinctly that aside this all being "for my own good" I was just too clumsy, too non athletic and too much of a boring literature nerd with too limited and artsy interests for them all).
And yes, while Doctor Engel might indeed claim and believe that there is nothing to lose with regard to a confrontation, I do beg to differ a bit with regard to this, as especially with families that are influential, well-heeled, with families that have a lot of financial and social, cultural clout, there is potentially a heck of a lot to lose (and I well do remember one of my university acquaintances who after daring to confront her parents about the constant verbal put-downs and emotional abuse she had endured as a child, had her harridan and monster of a mother show up for her PhD oral dissertation defence and sabotage it terribly with inappropriate comments and hateful asides about her daughter, who actually did end up failing her defence due to this and basically just giving up and quitting).
Also, while many of the lists in Divorcing a Parent on what to do, on how to proceed with regard to confronting your parents make sense and do seem healthy and generally positive advice, really, the so-called ground rules that Beverly Engel suggests be established (telling our parents to hear us out, to not interrupt until we have finished, to not automatically justify and rationalise), these are all pretty well for naught if the parents choose do not honour the rules (and especially with parents who have been or who still are hypercritical, who think they have some cast in stone, established and God-given right to admonish and condemn, who always think that because they are parents, they can make no mistakes, of course, they will most likely both not honour any ground-rules presented and also likely attempt to forcibly manipulate the conversation, the confrontation to suit them). For I know from personal experience that even if I were to consider such a confrontation with my parents, I would more than likely end up feeling like a five year old with nothing to say, with at best nasty and penetrating looks of disappointment cast at me (as my father, in particular, he is such a strong and imposing personality that the one time I insisted my parents attend a joint therapy session with me, my erstwhile so supportive "therapist" ended up for the most part believing the half-truths my father was telling her, especially after my mother started crying, and I just felt totally guilty and evil, which I still do pretty well every day).
Now yes, I really do appreciate and have learned much perusing Divorcing a Parent, but while I think the book is a good start and offers much decent and common sense advice, I also do believe that for me personally, Beverly Engel just does not delve down deeply enough and sometimes actually seems to give advice that I for one would consider contradictory and a painful, a problematic dual standard. For example, in one of the first sections of Divorcing a Parent, Engel rightfully claims that if your parents do not approve of your lifestyle and impose draconian rules whenever you visit (such as not allowing your significant other to also attend), you have or you should have the right to confront them about this and to if necessary separate from them, to divorce your parents. However, is it then not at best a trifle problematic and hypocritical that once someone has actually "divorced" his or her parents, Beverly Engel actually seems to insist that the divorcee should also be allowed to categorically demand of their siblings to not invite the parents if she or her will be attending a family get-together (for in my opinion, that would be in many ways pretty much the same as the parents not accepting the divorcee's partner, of not extending invitations to the partner as well, and in my opinion, mirroring abusive behaviour does not make sense, and should not be accepted and certainly not suggested or condoned).
And finally, I also must ask the salient question whether Beverly Engel's own traumatic childhood experiences with a physical and verbally abusive alcoholic mother (and that she also has divorced the latter) are somehow being transferred onto families in general in some ways, as it does at least sometimes feel as though the author in Divorcing a Parent somehow considers ALL parents to be potentially abusive and to be approached with at best extreme caution (and which is why, as much as I have found Divorcing a Parent both enlightening and eye-opening for me, in a painfully sad manner, I will also not consider the book as an infallible Bible-like document, but as a text that whilst providing much essential knowledge and support to and for victims of dysfunctional families, to and for victims of abusive parents, also does need to still be read critically and not simply be accepted as the word of truth, as a philosophy to totally emulate and copy without questions and criticisms).
EDITD TO ADD: And after a few days of meditating on my reaction to Divorcing a Parent, I have to pose another salient question to author Beverly Engel, and this is actually one I am asking of psychologists, of psychiatrists turned authors in general. Why is it that for the presented and featured examples found in your self-help books, you always or at least so very often tend to mostly focus on the worst and on the most horrific cases of abuse, that the majority of your presented examples feature serious and even potentially criminal physical and sexual abuse, that emotional verbal abuse while indeed acknowledged is often not all that much given nearly enough example space? A more balanced listing, with both horrible and less traumatic examples of abuse and family dysfunction should really be included, because I for one upon reading so many of the simply horrific examples Beverly Engel has analysed in Divorcing a Parent am not only feeling increasingly guilty at even being unhappy with my parents (who although dysfunctional and often rather verbally nasty were generally never ever violent or physically vicious) but am also feeling like I do not, that I should not even have the right to be unhappy, that my parents' complaints and criticisms of me were and are therefore perhaps even totally and always justified (that I was and am making major mountains out of molehills and should just keep my mouth shut).
Now one of my absolute favourite parts of Divorcing a Parent (and something for which I am eternally grateful to the author) is that Beverly Engel obviously both does NOT expect adult children to ALWAYS understand and forgive their parents for childhood abuse (and yes, even if said abuse had never in fact been even remotely physical or sexual, even if the abuse had mostly been emotional and verbal) and that she actually also considers anger to be a necessary and even at times positive and liberating emotion and reaction, that releasing our anger (if of course it is done in a controlled manner) is actually a good thing (and yes, even if we end up deliberately breaking objects, stomping on pictures of family members with whom we have issues, even if part of our anger release is screaming offensive words at pictures of our mother or our father). For indeed, far far too many therapists still seem to very much claim that ANY outward expressions of anger are somehow inappropriate and unacceptable (and dangerous even if we are only releasing said anger and frustration at an intimate object or throwing a bunch of eggs at an outside tree on one's own property).
I mean, as children, we were generally not ever allowed to in any way be angry or feel acute animosity and open frustration towards our parents (even if they called us stupid, even if they called us lazy, even if they made nasty fun of our written poetry and such), but it also often seems that even as adults (and even in therapy), anger is still somehow a taboo subject, anger is still considered mostly unhealthy and this often to the point that many of us (and I have most definitely reacted like this) have generally during therapy swallowed emerging feelings anger. For who wants the therapist to be judgmental and nasty, who wants the therapist to engage in the same hypercritical and verbally nasty garbage that we had experienced during childhood from our family, from our supposedly nearest and dearest. And come on, many especially New-Age therapists do indeed seem to actively think and promote the rather facile idea that anger can somehow and easily be gotten rid of, that anger can simply be released without actually experiencing it (through meditation, chakra balancing, Reiki and other such dubious tools). But for those of us with a more critical and philosophical mindset and disposition, we do in fact and rather soon begin to realise that this simply does not always work, and thus, even in the midst of a guided meditation, occurring and emerging angry thoughts, flashbacks etc. are often not, as these chakra and Reiki therapists would fondly want and expect simply released to dissipate into the aether, no, they are reabsorbed and re-swallowed to once again fester internally. And while some readers might indeed feel uncomfortable with the "releasing your anger" exercises that Beverly Engel suggests and lists on pages 57 to 62 of Divorcing a Parent, I for one firmly believe that yelling, throwing eggs at a tree, punching a pillow, even throwing darts at pictures of your family is a lot more healthy and useful than believing that one can simply get rid of anger by letting go and then pretending that everything is hunky-dory and splendid.
But my positive reaction in general to the advice Beverly Engel gives in Divorcing a Parent notwithstanding, I am both not totally comfortable yet with the idea of actually totally divorcing my parents and more importantly, I personally do NOT at all think that for me and at this time, actually physically and emotionally confronting my parents (as the author suggests and what she claims is essential prior to divorcing a parent) would in any way be a positive and a productive way of acting, since both they and in fact the rest of my family have always and steadfastly claimed that there was NEVER any verbal abuse that happened and that I was basically (and I guess still am considered) an overly-sensitive entitled and ungrateful snowflake like whiner (and yes, the one time, I did dare to ask my parents why my siblings and even the family's horses were seemingly always more important than my needs and what I had to say and think, I was told pretty clearly and succinctly that aside this all being "for my own good" I was just too clumsy, too non athletic and too much of a boring literature nerd with too limited and artsy interests for them all).
And yes, while Doctor Engel might indeed claim and believe that there is nothing to lose with regard to a confrontation, I do beg to differ a bit with regard to this, as especially with families that are influential, well-heeled, with families that have a lot of financial and social, cultural clout, there is potentially a heck of a lot to lose (and I well do remember one of my university acquaintances who after daring to confront her parents about the constant verbal put-downs and emotional abuse she had endured as a child, had her harridan and monster of a mother show up for her PhD oral dissertation defence and sabotage it terribly with inappropriate comments and hateful asides about her daughter, who actually did end up failing her defence due to this and basically just giving up and quitting).
Also, while many of the lists in Divorcing a Parent on what to do, on how to proceed with regard to confronting your parents make sense and do seem healthy and generally positive advice, really, the so-called ground rules that Beverly Engel suggests be established (telling our parents to hear us out, to not interrupt until we have finished, to not automatically justify and rationalise), these are all pretty well for naught if the parents choose do not honour the rules (and especially with parents who have been or who still are hypercritical, who think they have some cast in stone, established and God-given right to admonish and condemn, who always think that because they are parents, they can make no mistakes, of course, they will most likely both not honour any ground-rules presented and also likely attempt to forcibly manipulate the conversation, the confrontation to suit them). For I know from personal experience that even if I were to consider such a confrontation with my parents, I would more than likely end up feeling like a five year old with nothing to say, with at best nasty and penetrating looks of disappointment cast at me (as my father, in particular, he is such a strong and imposing personality that the one time I insisted my parents attend a joint therapy session with me, my erstwhile so supportive "therapist" ended up for the most part believing the half-truths my father was telling her, especially after my mother started crying, and I just felt totally guilty and evil, which I still do pretty well every day).
Now yes, I really do appreciate and have learned much perusing Divorcing a Parent, but while I think the book is a good start and offers much decent and common sense advice, I also do believe that for me personally, Beverly Engel just does not delve down deeply enough and sometimes actually seems to give advice that I for one would consider contradictory and a painful, a problematic dual standard. For example, in one of the first sections of Divorcing a Parent, Engel rightfully claims that if your parents do not approve of your lifestyle and impose draconian rules whenever you visit (such as not allowing your significant other to also attend), you have or you should have the right to confront them about this and to if necessary separate from them, to divorce your parents. However, is it then not at best a trifle problematic and hypocritical that once someone has actually "divorced" his or her parents, Beverly Engel actually seems to insist that the divorcee should also be allowed to categorically demand of their siblings to not invite the parents if she or her will be attending a family get-together (for in my opinion, that would be in many ways pretty much the same as the parents not accepting the divorcee's partner, of not extending invitations to the partner as well, and in my opinion, mirroring abusive behaviour does not make sense, and should not be accepted and certainly not suggested or condoned).
And finally, I also must ask the salient question whether Beverly Engel's own traumatic childhood experiences with a physical and verbally abusive alcoholic mother (and that she also has divorced the latter) are somehow being transferred onto families in general in some ways, as it does at least sometimes feel as though the author in Divorcing a Parent somehow considers ALL parents to be potentially abusive and to be approached with at best extreme caution (and which is why, as much as I have found Divorcing a Parent both enlightening and eye-opening for me, in a painfully sad manner, I will also not consider the book as an infallible Bible-like document, but as a text that whilst providing much essential knowledge and support to and for victims of dysfunctional families, to and for victims of abusive parents, also does need to still be read critically and not simply be accepted as the word of truth, as a philosophy to totally emulate and copy without questions and criticisms).
EDITD TO ADD: And after a few days of meditating on my reaction to Divorcing a Parent, I have to pose another salient question to author Beverly Engel, and this is actually one I am asking of psychologists, of psychiatrists turned authors in general. Why is it that for the presented and featured examples found in your self-help books, you always or at least so very often tend to mostly focus on the worst and on the most horrific cases of abuse, that the majority of your presented examples feature serious and even potentially criminal physical and sexual abuse, that emotional verbal abuse while indeed acknowledged is often not all that much given nearly enough example space? A more balanced listing, with both horrible and less traumatic examples of abuse and family dysfunction should really be included, because I for one upon reading so many of the simply horrific examples Beverly Engel has analysed in Divorcing a Parent am not only feeling increasingly guilty at even being unhappy with my parents (who although dysfunctional and often rather verbally nasty were generally never ever violent or physically vicious) but am also feeling like I do not, that I should not even have the right to be unhappy, that my parents' complaints and criticisms of me were and are therefore perhaps even totally and always justified (that I was and am making major mountains out of molehills and should just keep my mouth shut).
September 6, 2010
Couldn't find this Beverly Engel book as it's long out of print. Finally bit the bullet and purchased it from Half.com and am pleased I did.
If you know Engel, you're familiar with her straightforward, easy to 'hear' words on some of the more difficult topics of abuse, domestic violence and how to recover. She has published so many books on the subject of abuse, and healing and recovery - and she writes without a lot of mumbo jumbo. Just what you need to hear to start feeling better.
This book has changed my life profoundly, now in my mid-40s. Wasn't sure it would but I had a hunch it just might and followed it. I'm very glad I did.
If you know Engel, you're familiar with her straightforward, easy to 'hear' words on some of the more difficult topics of abuse, domestic violence and how to recover. She has published so many books on the subject of abuse, and healing and recovery - and she writes without a lot of mumbo jumbo. Just what you need to hear to start feeling better.
This book has changed my life profoundly, now in my mid-40s. Wasn't sure it would but I had a hunch it just might and followed it. I'm very glad I did.
June 19, 2012
It is very well organized and filled with case history examples. A quote: "Just as in a troubled marriage, both people must be willing to work on the relationship in order for it to be mended. Unfortunately, many parents are so stubborn or so dysfunctional that they refuse to look at themselves and refuse to change."
The orientation of this book is for adult children whose parent(s) continually intrude in their life and demean them. "The purpose of divorcing your parent is to take of yourself, to protect yourself yourself from further damage and pain, and to help facilitate emotional separation. It is not to punish, blackmail, or try to control your parent."
The orientation of this book is for adult children whose parent(s) continually intrude in their life and demean them. "The purpose of divorcing your parent is to take of yourself, to protect yourself yourself from further damage and pain, and to help facilitate emotional separation. It is not to punish, blackmail, or try to control your parent."
May 22, 2015
I really enjoyed how it was organized. Talking about why it can be necessary to divorce your parent and also letting you know that it is okay if you decide to remain in the relationship. I recently let go of my mother because around her I was emotionally stunted in my growth and I needed the time away.
The only part I didn't like was the releasing your anger part. Physicalizing anger doesn't seem healthy to me. But other than that, I really enjoyed reading it. It helped me make a more informed decision.
The only part I didn't like was the releasing your anger part. Physicalizing anger doesn't seem healthy to me. But other than that, I really enjoyed reading it. It helped me make a more informed decision.
February 20, 2011
This book truly helped me to realize how toxic my mother and father were, it was esp. hard with my mother,to let go of her and the hope of a relationship, but this book was a great resource and opened my eyes.
December 29, 2019
Excellent book for those struggling with a very complicated and toxic relationship with their parent. It's hard for people to talk about such a taboo subject given all the societal messages (ie, "You should forgive him/her...that's your parent," and "Honor thy mother and father" to name just a few), let alone being able to find a book written about this difficult and painful subject.
What I love about this book: It's very validating for those that have experienced chronic gaslighting, even from well-meaning others in one's life that can't understand the nuances that lead one to feel divorce may be the only helpful and healthy choice. Beverly Engel also doesn't push any agenda on the reader. She just gives things for the reader to think about and weigh his/her options (including whether forgiveness is something that is wanted or even possible). She leaves it up to the reader to use their own discretion to decide if a divorce is best or other options that are more in between.
What I didn't like: I didn't care for the section on anger that encourages getting anger out by hitting, punching, screaming (even if it's in the guise of "healthy" outlets). Studies have shown that these outlets, while appearing seemingly healthy and cathartic, actually don't work/help in the long run and can actually amp people up even more. It appears this book was written before research showed this though, so taken in context I can see she had good intentions regarding strategies and coping skills.
What I love about this book: It's very validating for those that have experienced chronic gaslighting, even from well-meaning others in one's life that can't understand the nuances that lead one to feel divorce may be the only helpful and healthy choice. Beverly Engel also doesn't push any agenda on the reader. She just gives things for the reader to think about and weigh his/her options (including whether forgiveness is something that is wanted or even possible). She leaves it up to the reader to use their own discretion to decide if a divorce is best or other options that are more in between.
What I didn't like: I didn't care for the section on anger that encourages getting anger out by hitting, punching, screaming (even if it's in the guise of "healthy" outlets). Studies have shown that these outlets, while appearing seemingly healthy and cathartic, actually don't work/help in the long run and can actually amp people up even more. It appears this book was written before research showed this though, so taken in context I can see she had good intentions regarding strategies and coping skills.
May 9, 2012
It is so true that, when our life's experiences are different from others, it is tough for us to empathize. There are times when we don't understand when a patient ,friend or colleague talks about their toxic parents. I am happy I read this book, I will not be giving wrong advice to traumatized children (turned adults). There is an ancient sanskrit saying that says " Kuputro buhuto santi, kumata eko na bhavti"---which translates to "there can be bad children but no bad mothers". Well this statement would have been true centuries ago but not now. I am not a psychiatrist but I definitely recommend this book to all my colleagues in that field.Many of them are still giving wrong advice to their patients. I thank the author for this book...
November 28, 2024
This subject needs to be explored SO MUCH MORE.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews