There is something fundamentally wrong with these books (referred to here as SOH so I don’t have to keep misspelling “honour” over and over), and I am not sure I can say exactly what that is, but I felt somewhat soiled after reading them. But this book (I will also refer to it in the singular, despite it being a trilogy, for simplicity’s sake) is not early, funny Waugh, but deep, dark Catholic Waugh, so the laughs are gone now, replaced by a tedious and desperate kind of spirituality.
The black heart of it all might come from its bent Catholicism. I say this since the book is, I think, supposed to be primarily about religion, redemption, etc. etc. The protagonist, Guy Crouchback, comes from an ancient line of English Catholics who never knuckled under to the Protestants, an heroic ancestry that we are ponderously made aware of from time to time. Sure, there were the occasional cowards and insanity cases, but mostly the Crouchbacks were a stalwart English bastion of Rome -- ponderously handled in terms of fiction, but not immediately objectionable. What bothered me is what a Catholic monster Guy is, really. His bland, depressed spirituality drifts through the book like a wan ghost, almost always revealing itself to be pitiless when real, live human stuff happens. Two events are particularly telling. One, Guy takes a bottle of whiskey to a “friend” who is in hospital. Said friend, Apthorpe (see below), is an alcoholic and guzzles the whole bottle as soon as Guy leaves. This kills him, and yet Guy tells us he has nary a twinge of guilt over this. Even his benighted, stupid, superiors say this was not cricket, but Guy’s soul is snow-white. The second incident has a set up too ridiculous to go into, but during an idiotic reconnaissance raid on Dakar, which is held by hostile Vichy French, Guy’s commanding officer tosses to Guy the head of an African French sentry he has decapitated. I realize body parts as souvenirs has a long history, even into WWII (although usually in the Pacific), but for all of Guy’s fine-grained sensibilities, he seems just as amused, or at least unconcerned with this bit of barbarity as the rest of the soldiers are. He doses off with the head in his lap and carries it back to his quarters on the ship. Next morning he brings it to his commander and has a cup o’ tea. The head shows up later on a hospital ship, where Guy’s commanding officer had commanded it to be “pickled” by His Majesty’s doctors… Beyond the racism, I thought it entirely possible that as a French soldier, this African may well have been a fellow Catholic.
But then Guy isn’t much interested in other Catholics or anybody else either. Guy attends Mass regularly – he is a good Catholic that way. But it annoys him when other people attend Mass as well (especially other ranks!). He is happiest in a chapel, alone with a sepulchre carved with a medieval crusader in repose, dappled with daubs of stained-glass window light. This relentless solitary pursuit of salvation seems to be the book’s soul purpose (forgive the pun). Such a spiritual journey might be of more interest if it ever involved charity, kindness, or compassion. It does not. There is a flinty selfishness at the heart of this book that if not pure evil is at least simply wrong.
If spiritual quests don’t interest you, you’re out of luck, because the fact is that Guy Crouchback, for all his moody maundering (some of which is vaguely aesthetic and takes place in Italy), doesn’t seem to have a thought in his head. Or bullocks in his pouch. It is tiresomely apparent that Waugh is trying to render in him a portrait of “Empty Modern Man in Search of a Soul” or some such thing, but it wouldn’t have been any harm in having him read a book from time to time. This is the closest thing to a main character built around his own soul that I’ve ever read – and souls, lets face it, aren’t very interesting without an actual human being wrapped around them. Early on, Guy does attempt to seduce his own wife, which was meant to make him human, but really all it does is set her up for all the catastrophes that will later beset her (see below) because she insists on being Guyless. Seduction scenes with one’s own ex-wife should be, I suppose, clumsy, but this was like Jan’s blundered-first-kiss episode of The Brady Bunch. It was hard to believe Guy had ever been an adult.
***
The SOH’s characters are sometimes unforgettable, if only because they are so implausible. Here are a few of them:
Apthorpe, the friend Guy poisons in hospital, is the best part of the (first) book, although he is so defective, stupid and probably insane that I am not sure why Waugh bothered with him. He came in from the African colonies, from a mysterious background spent in the bush (later debunked). Apthorpe becomes Guy’s friend. Guy likes being around people he can feel superficially charitable towards, which is the only explanation for the connection since Apthorpe is at all times a bloviating idiot. But an important idiot, apparently, since the whole first book of the trilogy (Men at Arms) is divided up into ponderous sections “Apthorpe Gloriosus” and so on, so Waugh must’ve considered him important (I suspect this was not planned as a trilogy and this volume was meant to stand alone). Apthorpe gets a promotion, of course, and proves himself predictably insufferable and incompetent. At this point, Guy’s loyalty seems to have something to do with self-mortification (at least I can’t figure anything else out). Guy’s whiskey, as noted above kills off Apthorpe, and this death is so quickly and sketchily brought about that it’s hard to tell why Apthorpe passed through the book in the first place. There is an elaborate joke involving a portable commode goes on far too long and is not funny at all, although Clive James and others seem to think this is the height of 20th century British comedic writing (the commode is called a “Thunder Box,” so beware the knowing wink-wink-nudge-nudge references among Waugh’s many fans). This being said, Apthorpe is rendered more three-dimensional than about anybody else in the book and I found myself developing a weird sympathy for him.
Guy’s Dad, Sir Whatever Crouchback is a phenomenally good Catholic that makes Mr. Chips look like Goebbels. Really, the kindly goodliness of this saintly man is artery-clogging. This being said, the scenes with him, despite being so relentlessly wholesome, are usually well-written, which made his appearance kind of a relief. When he dies, finally, it turns out that despite being made out to being so unworldly it is surprising he didn’t starve to death because he forgot how to hold a spoon, the old man was actually pretty darned shrewd about managing money and therefore left his son Guy enough money to make him a viable human being in society again. And so Guy’s one true chance to save his own soul by getting a real job for once, gets thwarted by the ancient and intact family harf-crown. There’s a boring funeral scene for the old man at which far more people than were expected show up, including, I think, a murmuring mud-spattered collection of background peasants being grateful and dropping haitches. Maybe not. I don’t remember for sure. Boo.
Guy’s Uncle Peregrine was far more interesting than Guy’s dad. He’s an English eccentric of the grouchy old bachelor type and I suspect he is supposed to represent the partially-damned in Waugh’s manipulative yet simplistic theology. Rather surprisingly, he makes a pass at Guy’s ex-wife Virginia (see below) that was actually somehow interesting – it was one of Waugh’s best moments, although I fail to see why it happened novelistically or that such a thing, given Peregrine’s antiquity and bachelorhood, was remotely plausible. Of course his nephew Guy was such a self-absorbed eunuch, the old man thought he had a chance. Ultimately Uncle Peregrine was unbelievable, but he had a certain vintage Waugh (or a mean-spirited version of Wodehouse) panache.
Guy’s ex-wife, Virginia is one of those fabulous bitch goddesses that male novelists loved conjuring up c. 1920-1950. You know: utterly beautiful, sexually incontinent, manipulative, heartless, wears too much lipstick, irresistible, sleeps in the nude, gossips, gets bored every living moment they aren’t at a party and then they are bored even at parties. Fitzgerald’s Daisy Buchanan is the only one of these women who actually come across, because Fitzgerald could be a genius sometimes, but the rest of them are spots all over the adolescent face of Anglo-American fiction of the time. I think there’s one in Brideshead Revisited, isn’t there (I’ve never read the book, but I’ve seen a couple film adaptations)? I’m sure the Dance to the Music of Time has two or three. For sure Hemingway had a several such ball-snippers. Virginia has her interesting points as a human being, to be fair to Waugh, but he can’t help but use her as an example of depravity and so inflicts on her all sorts of disasters. After she rebuffs Guy’s attempt to seduce her, we see her next in Scotland at a restaurant, rendered by Waugh with exquisite cruelty as a woman past her prime (she’s barely 30 at this point), her last coin as a woman spent. This is when she falls in with a cad (see below). A couple years after this, Virginia comes back to Guy, since she is desperate and hears he now has some money. But Guy, who has drifted considerably heavenward by this time in the book, won’t take her back. That is, not until she tells him how truly desperate she is – that she is pregnant by some cad (see below). Then, of course, St. Guy marries her right away. Afterwards, she then provides a week of recuperative sex for Guy as a kind of high-class comfort girl, since she is, you know, really good at sex and then -- O outrageous spoiler! Waugh kills her off with a late-war German buzz bomb! Nazi ex machina – you could practically see Virginia’s damaged (but not damned thanks to Guy) little soul go fluttering off for a few millennia in purgatory before being welcomed to the Bosom of Abraham. As Oscar Wilde said about Little Nell’s death, a reader would have to have a heart of stone not to laugh out loud. Despite the ridiculous down-at-the-heels belle dame sans merci crapola, Virginia had balls.
Virginia’s lover (the one who knocks her up) is absurd, but he is so brutally manhandled by Waugh that he becomes one of my favorite characters out of sheer pity. He has six or seven names, since he is a cad, but he is mostly referred to by his nickname Trimmer. He is one of Guy’s fellow officers, a real rascal who, unlike every other officer in the British Army, actually had a real job in peacetime! A ridiculous one to boot: he was a hairdresser on a luxury liner! Zounds! How contemptible! If this useful, skilled background had been known, Trimmer would never have been allowed to be an officer. To make it worse, Trimmer is a lady’s man. And since Waugh can’t help piling on his characters he doesn’t like, Trimmer is an utter poltroon as well – his active, unapologetic cowardice during a commando raid executed for the newspapers was rather funny in an early-Waugh way. The army’s propaganda bureau turns this eeny-weeney man into a hero to send around the USA to show how the British fighting man can really fight (oh the irony). Trimmer falls in love with Virginia, who only slept with him initially because one does become so frightfully bored during ocean cruises or World War II, doesn’t one? But once Trimmer loves her, she spurns him since he is now no good to her as a boy toy (this is how those kind of women roll in novels, you know). This love, which unlike any other emotion in the book seems genuinely sloppy and human, renders Trimmer into a babbling idiot, making him unsuitable to send to the USA to promote the British war effort. Therefore, pressure is exerted on Virginia by the military and she is forced to accompany Trimmer to the States so that he doesn’t fall apart during his lecture tour (yes, this all sounds very plausible, doesn’t it?). It is while doing her patriotic duty in the sack that the odious Trimmer impregnates her (see above). God, I hate novels sometimes.
Ludovic: Note the Slavic non-meat-n-potatoes, non-Yorkshire name! Bad guy alert! Ludovic saves Guy’s life, but he is relentlessly unpleasant. Large, greasy, somewhat fat, mysterious – you know, just like the Soviet Union. He is a writer – not educated, but given, grudgingly, talent by Waugh. He falls in with the English wartime boho crowd. For a few fleet moments in the book, I had hope Ludovic was going to turn out to be a real human being, since this book desperately needed a few. He is the quiet guy in the regiment always writing in a notebook off to the side. We are occasionally allowed to see what he is writing, and these excerpts are among the most penetrating things in the book, despite Waugh’s contemptuous plan to make him seem “literary.” I even fantasized that Crouchback would become friends with somebody intelligent, but this did not come to pass. Instead, Waugh turns Ludovic into a villain; in fact we are lead to believe he fragged his commanding officer on Crete (an unbelievably craven coward hysteric named Fido). Ludovic goes insane and starts babbling and carrying around a tiny pet dog he has named…Fido, after the officer he killed. Waugh attempts here, I think, to administer just deserts on the Godless, but as with all the other characters from Guy on down, the action is disjointed, the characters too sketchy or cartoonish.
Everard Spruce is a caricature of Cyril Connolly, the English editor and man of letters. As a caricature, he is pretty well done, actually. He is almost worthy of early “Vile Bodies” Waugh. Waugh is grossly unfair to him, I suppose (I’m an admirer of Connolly), but the nitwit aspects of literary life everywhere (the posing, the jockeying for position, the vanity, the lack of actual good work) are done quite deftly. My main complaint is that Spruce and his circle (those barefoot boho women who run his office!) are fairly one-note, Waugh’s portrait blighted, as always, by his customary outrage and disgust.
Jumbo is a retired Blimpish officer who at first glimpse appears to be senile, hanging around the rec room shooting pool (or billiards or snooker or whatever English officers did in rec rooms), his enormous ass hanging over the edge of the table (Waugh endows a couple of his characters with huge arses, apparently as a signal that we are not to take them seriously, like a clown’s big red nose). Jumbo, however, suddenly turns out to be a shrewd, energetic manipulator of the military establishment, and once so established, he is actually one of Waugh’s more amusing, plausible characters. Jumbo’s plot line is busier and therefore somewhat more interesting than most of the rest of the book, and he also is important for getting Guy where he needs to be in the military establishment, while also providing an insider’s glimpse of the establishment that mopey, outsider Guy could never manage. Which is to say Jumbo is pretty well rendered. The problem is that in that first introduction he is so utterly different than what he turns out to be that it makes Jumbo really hard to believe; he goes from senile bumbler to energetic, adroit manipulator in a 400 words. Waugh really, really needed an editor.
There are a host of other characters, of course – it’s a trilogy. There’s a mutilated, one-eyed WW I general who represents the thwarted but finally triumphant English fighting spirit (he’s the one who cuts off the French Colonial sentry’s head) – for reasons I cannot explain, I always pictured him standing only 18” tall and always shouting as if from a great distance. There’s an American called Loot who serves as a kind of plot mover throughout the book – it is disappointing the Loot does not come in for some scathing Waughesque criticism of Americans, but all he comes in for is the usual wartime anti-American English whining (he has a nicer uniform, more money – probably better teeth), but otherwise he is little more than a blandly genial scene-advancer. There is an outrageously racist depiction of a black witch doctor, used by the British secret services to put a hex on Hitler – so desperate are the British to win the war (or rather not lose it) they try the occult. This witch doctor is the go-to abortionist as well. Of course. Big or small, you can be sure that pretty much every character except Guy gets their comeuppance one way or another. Who cares? There were far too many types in this book and not nearly enough human beings. On top of that, class distinctions are almost 19th century throughout this book – “other ranks” are rendered as background smear from which an occasional name emerges, usually to tug a deferential forelock or otherwise advance a scene. For instance there’s a tiresome, ancient, and often boiled butler at Guy’s club, is a source of patrician amusements amongst the clouds of cigar smoke and snifters of bad wartime sherry. The few soldiers who emerge from the background khaki blur are doughty Tommies of the Dunkirk mold, dogged and loyal and etc.
***
As for structure, my guess is, this “trilogy” reads like a one-holer that got a couple of additions much later on. All three books have a decidedly different feel to them and an only tenuous cohesiveness. There are fine moments – Waugh is, at his best, an unquestionably powerful writer (although I have come to believe he was better as a travel writer than a novelist). The best part of the book has to do with the defense and evacuation of Crete by British, Commonwealth, and Greek forces. Waugh was actually there, and the hot, dusty, exhausting work of running away (as opposed to actually fighting) reads with real authority. The end of the book, when Guy is sent to Yugoslavia to work with the anti-Nazi partisans is also fairly well done – the partisans are not made to look utterly ridiculous, which surprised me, they being so foreign. I mean, of course there is a sort of Zorba the Greek heavy-handed earthiness to them that you’d expect from Waugh, but nothing too outrageous.
SOH ends tidily with a post-war coda with Guy all warm and cozy and his “saved” and neatly tucked-in and tooth-brushed soul made fully ready for bedtime. I can’t remember the particulars. For all its theological and spiritual pretensions, this was a heartless book full of far too many authorial cheap shots and get-out-of-hell-free cards, too much easy-cheesy spiritual “redemption” for a character – Guy Crouchback – who is cut far too much slack by his far too sympathetic creator. This is the kind of novel that makes me not really want to read novels for another six months or so. It doesn’t want to make me attend Mass either.