Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct

by P.M. Forni

Most people would agree that thoughtful behavior and common decency are in short supply, or simply forgotten in hurried lives of emails, cellphones, and multi-tasking. In Choosing Civility , P. M. Forni identifies the twenty-five rules that are most essential in connecting effectively and happily with others. In clear, witty, and, well...civilized language, Forni covers topics that include:

* Think Twice Before Asking Favors
* Give Constructive Criticism
* Refrain from Idle Complaints
* Respect Others' Opinions
* Don't Shift Responsibility and Blame
* Care for Your Guests
* Accept and Give Praise

Finally, Forni provides examples of how to put each rule into practice and so make life-and the lives of others-more enjoyable, companionable, and rewarding.

C hoosing Civility is a simple, practical, perfectly measured, and quietly magical handbook on the lost art of civility and compassion.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Philosophy, Psychology, Audiobook, Book Club, Sociology

208 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2002

About the author

Dr. Pier Massimo Forni is a professor in the Department of Germanic and Romance Languages and Literatures, Johns Hopkins University. In 1997 he co-founded the Johns Hopkins Civility Project, an aggregation of academic and community outreach activities that is aimed at assessing the significance of civility, manners and politeness in contemporary society. It has been reconstituted as The Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins, which Dr. Forni now directs.

Reviews

[Julianne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wish it had a rip out list in the front or back as a "cheat sheet" of the 25 rules. So, here they are:

1. Pay Attention
2. Acknowledge Others
3. Think the Best
4. Listen
5. Be Inclusive
6. Speak Kindly
7. Don't Speak Ill
8. Accept and Give Praise
9. Respect Even a Subtle "No"
10.Respect Others' Opinions
11.Mind Your Body
12.Be Agreeable
13.Keep it Down
14.Respect Other People's Time
15.Respect Other People's Space
16.Apologize Earnestly
17.Assert Yourself
18.Avoid Personal Questions
19.Care for Your Guests
20.Be a Considerate Guest
21.Think Twice Before Asking for Favors
22.Refrain from Idle Compliments
23.Accept and Give Constructive Criticism
24.Respect the Environment and Be Gentle to Animals
25.Don't Shift Responsibility and Blame

[Polly Trout · Rating 4 out of 5]

Forni defines civility as the art of cultivating respectful relationships with the purpose of being good community members and good neighbors. This is a charming and kindhearted book about why life is better when we are thoughtful and respectful with each other. Forni treats kindness and consideration in relationships as art forms that can be learned, taught, and honed; he digs through the ritual of etiquette to find their philosophic foundations. His "25 Rules" include advice like: pay attention to people, think the best of others, be inclusive, speak kindly, respect others. He is an elegant writer and an intelligent man, so the book is better than the average self help book. I especially like his insistence that it is not only possible but also ideal to be civil AND assertive at the same time; that we need a healthy balance of self expression and kindness in our lives, and that the best response to rudeness or cruelty is a dignified, steady, self-respecting "No, thank you."

So I would recommend this book to anybody, with one caveat: when Forni moves from the abstract to the concrete, his prescription for etiquette becomes the quaint and myopic musings of an old middle class white guy from Italy. He has a blind spot for the fact that his abstract advice (respect the opinions of others, respect cultural diversity, don't speak ill of others) directly clashes with his distress when others have cultural norms different than his own. For example, one of his rules is "Avoid Person Questions." He writes, "The stranger you just met doesn't need to know whether your pregnancy was planned or the amount of your pay raise. This kind of information presumes a close relationship. One way to respect others is by being discreet about our own personal matters." This is very good advice -- if you are talking to uptight white middle class men. But it is not always the cultural norm.

Compare Forni's rules of etiquette with this paragraph from the excellent essay "Across the Great Divide: Crossing Classes and Clashing Cultures" by Barbara Jensen in the anthology "What's Class Got to Do With It? American Society in the Twenty-First Century" (ed. Michael Zweig).

"Working class women often talk with each other about intimate problems, even if they do not know each other well -- this behavior includes the other person, makes her feel "like one of us." In the middle class, being polite and reserved is a way to show respect for others and one's self (on which there is a premium), and sharing confidences with someone you hardly know might be considered rude or at least declasse. In turn, this emotional reserve often seems a coldness to working class people -- a way of letting someone know you don't want them around or simply being rude. There are different meanings for the same behaviors."

This is certainly my experience, so what I try to do is to pay attention to the social and cultural cues of the person I am with and adapt my communication style to them, so that we can more easily establish rapport. Yesterday, for example, I met an older African American woman, who shared her personal story with me and then immediately apologized for having done so -- I said that no apology was necessary, and responded by sharing some of my own personal experiences that I thought might resonate with her. This exchanged pleased her; I had met HER standards of what civility means, which is to build relationships and community on shared story telling, and in doing so signaled to her that I was not going to expect her to adapt to my cultural standards, but instead respect hers.

I think that what is key in building a cross-class, multicultural community, is to have open and respectful dialogue about what it means to be civil, kind, and respectful. When we take our own standards for granted, they are invisible and inarticulate, and then it is very hard to maintain true civility. If we are thoughtful about always staying grounded in the foundations of civility, then we can let go of old forms that don't work and create new forms that celebrate and nurture diversity.

[Rachel Aranda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very easy read with useful information. Originally I bought this book because it was required for one of my University classes that all students had to take. Needless to say I thought it would be a boring book that I'd hate and never read again. This book completely surprised me! I found ways that explained how I could better myself as a person conduct-wise; I believe it helped me make college and moving as enjoyable as it's been. It's a book I think everyone could benefit from reading at least once if only to learn how you want to be seen by others and be a little happier with oneself.

[Valerie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had some good advice. The begginning is very slow. So much so that I found myself falling asleep but its mostly just the first part of the book.

Part One of the book mostly argues why civility is important and that being polite isn't hypocritical.

Part Two gives all the dos and don'ts to do with house guests, strangers, coworkers, etc. This is where the 25 rules of conduct are.
Part Three just sums up everything.

Like I mentioned before it has good advice so it was useful but just a bit -for lack of a better word- boring.

[Lennie Ross · Rating 2 out of 5]

How does one critique a book on civility with civility? This book was just a bit too basic. The advice was good, but the book is slow-paced and the points could have been addressed in far fewer pages... and it wasn't a very thick book to begin with. Felt like someone wrote it just to have the credit of having written a book. I would say there must be a better book on the subject out there. if you know what it is, feel free to recommend.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short and worthwhile listen. I am afraid I need to spend a lot more time focusing on the lessons of this book. In fact, I think our society as a whole could benefit from a reminder on civility.

[Meghan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is for a college class and it was really good. I have experience reading books like this so it wasn't that hard for me. It was a real eye opener. It's all about being civil but as I read it, I thought about situations where I could have applied the rule and I feel like a new person and can actually see the world. This book was for my University 1000 class that doesn't start for another week. XD

[Marjorie Elwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a lovely little book about why we should choose civility in our everyday lives and what that looks like. It was a good reminder of why we are polite with each other ("Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength." Eric Hoffer) and helped me realize where I might improve in my behavior towards others. Highly recommended.

For the library types out there: I learned about this in Public Libraries, July/August 2011: "Choose Civility: Public Libraries Take Center Stage".

[Dunori · Rating 4 out of 5]

With how the rules specifically were written I could easily imagine a professor orating them to me in a lecture hall (if it were to happen around when the book was first published I think I could also imagine my younger self responding with something like “who you think you talkin to? Uptight chump”… or at least thinking this). However, he sandwiched the rules very nicely with intro justifying the rules and outro describing their benefits… all combined, a considerable amount I believe even those readers who prioritize engaging in acts of common courtesy as much as possible still may have not thought over in such great detail. Some of the rules were a bit redundant though and could’ve been consolidated to total like 15 or 20.

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

Video review: https://youtu.be/gyjCZvmLhsw?t=1m9s

A great self-help and grounding book that reminds us how to act as adults and citizens in every area of our lives.

[Patricia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Finally read this book. Started good conversation with good friend, but should be centered with discussions about the intersection of classism (among other -isms) with civility.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, I think this book needs a new title. I like the subtitle "The twenty-five rules of considerate conduct" because that spoke to why I picked up this book: I wanted to be a more considerate person. "Choosing Civility" makes it sound like we've all been uncivil until now, and I found it to be a little holier-than-thou.

Second, this book needs an editor. The first 30 pages argue the case for civility, which is unnecessary because you've already gotten the reader to pick up the book. The last 30 pages do the same thing. But the meat of the book, the 25 rules, are actually quite good.

I found that this was a book that should be nibbled at over time. The 25 rules are all standard codes of conduct, but what was helpful for me was the reminder of why each rule was important, and the mirror held up to my own behavior. "Think the best" was one rule, and I happened to read that chapter when I was caught in the act of doing the opposite. There is an opening at work, and I disagree a previous hiring decision for the position. When I watched presentations by the new candidates, I was letting that color my perceptions of them. Forni challenges the reader to consider where their feelings are actually coming from, and think the best of the person: "Try to evaluate the person apart from the situation. Give him or her a fair chance. As a result, you will give the situation a chance to work." I wasn't doing that, and it would have damaged my relationship with whoever was chosen for the position, which would have been incredibly unfair to them.

Overall I enjoyed the book, but it could be a little over the top at times. In the "mind your body" chapter (which I erroneously thought would be about personal space), this quote almost made me quit the book:

"Your doctor will be exposed to parts of your naked body when he or she sees you for your checkup. If you don't feel clean after a day at work, go home to scrub and shower before your appointment. If this is impossible, clean yourself as best you can in your workplace bathroom. Make a mental note to better coordinate your commitments the next time."

Am I a more civil person because of the book? Probably not, but I'm working on being more aware of my behavior. Am I glad I read it? Absolutely. Do I wish I could make it mandatory reading for certain people in my life? Emphatic yes.

[Kendra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recently attended a PLA webinar hosted by Howard County (Md.) Library System (HCLS) CEO Valerie J. Gross. She and her co-presenters discussed the change in culture that her library helped initiate within their community around the topic of civility. Small changes add up and create a kinder, healthier community that has the tools they need to discuss issues in an open environment.

A key tool to how Gross got started with the Choose Civility movement, which now involves over 100 partnering local organizations and has been copied in numerous communities across the United States, started out with the principles illustrated in this book by Forni. This book was shared among library staff and community leaders, and Dr. Forni visited the community and led the discussion that sprung into the current system of events that HCLS hosts each year.

The principles are very simple. For a topic that always seemed so heavy and daunting to me, the ideas presented in this short book are easy to understand and general enough that most people can stand behind them and implement with work.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

The difficulty with a book like Choosing Civility is that only polite people will look at it and it preaches to the choir. It's a useful primer on manners, but there's nothing in here your mother didn't try to teach you.

I've actually attended a talk by Professor Forni and he is, as you would expect, very well mannered and gently polite. His talk was fascinating and his explanations for the decrease of civility were well researched and thought provoking

This was at a bookstore in Baltimore, Maryland, and during the question time a woman in the audience went completely bananas and asked all kinds of rude questions, interrupted him and and spoke over him as he tried to answer her. In some cases I would have thought she was planted in the audience to demonstrate rude behavior - but this was a lunatic woman I often saw in the bookstore, usually fighting with the employees and threatening to sue them. It was ironic to have a rude woman attend a talk on Civility.

[Christopher · Rating 4 out of 5]

For the first two decades of the 21st century, American culture has been characterized by a coarsening of our civil society. Politics and politicians have become more ideologically polarized and prone to see opponents as enemies to be totally destroyed rather than as the loyal opposition. Adding fuel to the fire has been social media, which through anonymity and filter bubbles has led to less tolerance and patience with those who disagree with us. To our credit, Americans have recognized this declining civility and this book offers some timeless advice, even though its text is a little dated.

For my full review, check out my book blog here.

[Oliver Bateman · Rating 5 out of 5]

an interesting "tut-tut" relic of the late 90s/early 00s when a seemingly (and actually, at least in my opinion) coarsened state of discourse prompted bipartisan goody-goody outcry for "civility" (today we've decided, on both sides of the aisle and for various reasons, that this incivility is "good, actually," "authentic," "people who have stopped being polite and started getting real," etc.).

the advice in here about listening to others, remaining quiet, maintaining a low tone of voice, and so on still works in some sense - we're still human, after all, and basic human decency that avoids endless conflagrations and dust-ups is probably the best we can do for each other - but simply can't be sold wholesale anymore except perhaps to clueless boomers, what with the increased polarization of public debate (essentially just social media shouting and "disownings" of acquaintances left and right) and the need to tailor behavior to a host of affinity/identity groups. oh well.

you can read the entire book in about 2 hours, and it's not insufferable like most of these "advice" books are, perhaps because forni, like j-pete much more spectacularly and controversially after him, is an actual working academic who decided to spend his receding years dispensing shopworn advice. there's a follow-up book that appears to be chock full of hypothetical scenarios, but i can't imagine why anyone would need to read that, since this common sense advice ("pretty fucking UNcommon these days," my father might shout here) ain't exactly calculus bc or quantum physics.

[Katherine Korte · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Is someone asks for the salt, Pass the pepper, too! :)

[Kent Turner · Rating 3 out of 5]

"How to be a decent human being"

[Deb (Readerbuzz) Nance · Rating 4 out of 5]

Forni is European and it shows. He comes from a culture where respect for people is assumed. America disappoints him now and then. He wants to help America.
I need to practice these twenty-five things. If I practiced just these twenty-five things, I would be a much better person.
So what are they? Let me list them to remind myself:
1. Pay attention
2. Acknowledge others
3. Think the best
4. Listen
5. Be inclusive
6. Speak kindly
7. Don’t speak ill
8. Accept and give praise
9. Respect even a subtle “no”
10. Respect others’ opinions
11. Mind your body
12. Be agreeable
13. Keep it down (and rediscover silence)…most difficult for me
14. Respect other people’s time
15. Respect other people’s space
16. Apologize earnestly and thoughtfully
17. Assert yourself
18. Avoid personal questions
19. Care for your guests
20. Be a considerate guest
21. Think twice before asking for favors
22. Refrain from idle complaints
23. Give constructive criticism
24. Respect the environment and be gentle to animals
25. Don’t shift responsibility and blame
That’s it. I can do these them. I will start now.

[Steve · Rating 4 out of 5]

For what it sets out to be, this does pretty well. It was not what I thought it was when I chose it. It's a short book with very brief (2-4 pages each) descriptions of Forni's "25 rules of considerate conduct." What once were called manners. But it is far from a simple list of dos and don'ts. Forni opens with several short essays describing the role, function, and reasons for considerate, or what he calls "civil," behavior. The book closes with several short essays grappling however briefly with some of the current (2003) and on the horizon issues around civil behavior - or the lack thereof. Forni displays a deep and nuanced understanding of WHY civil behavior is important as a means of helping society function smoothly, treat others with respect, and honor all people (including ourselves). His "rules" are firmly grounded in practical applications of this deeply understood theory. space prevents him from delving too far into these topics, but one has the sense he easily and eagerly could if given the opportunity. In our increasingly uncivil society, this could be an important book and concept for us all.

[Kristine Morris · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book made its way onto my bookshelf because my spouse has to read it for a course he is taking. Like a few other commentators I found the first part of this book difficult to get through (even though it's not long). It nearly derailed my intentions to read the whole thing. The second part which lists the 25 rules of considerate conduct were well done. Some of this is common sense, however, P.M.Forni was spot on with each on. He provided examples of uncivil behaviours or conversations we've all been a part of (both as the offended person and as the uncivil person).

There are some really good reminders here. I really like his example of using qualified disagreement. Rather than disagreeing outright with someones opinion or perspective, such as, "Yes, I agree that what you say may be true in general, but there are circumstances when..."

This is not a long book. If you don't feel like reading Emily Post's 700 page book on Etiquette, try this.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of wonderful common sense information, that isn't really common for today's populace. In observing the lack of civility in America today, Forni outlines how to be a civil member of society. Perhaps this brief volume should be added to required reading lists so that future generations aren't the boars that their parents have become.

[Jeslyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Consoled me on some pages, indicted me on others - but in a good way; some terrific redirects. Also punctuated with some fantastic quotes throughout.

I gave this book to numerous friends and family as a gift since I thought it was such an excellent read; interestingly, the gift seemed to offend some...before reading. Hopefully not after.

[Nuri · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book & I live by it. It's powerful, it changed me. It made me want to be a better person. Kinder, more courteous & civil to to others. It speaks to its readers intelligently & provides precise & clear directions for a happier & fulfilling life. Best of all, It has less than 200 pages. A must read for everyone.

[Jed · Rating 4 out of 5]

The problem with a book like this is that 1) uncivilized people won't read it anyway and 2) civilized people will only fret about the one or two things they'd never considered. It's a good encapsulation of various ways one might act civilly. Have lent this book out already, with success.

[S Beverage · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good, practical ideas for being a kinder human being. I plan to introduce this at work, as libraries have always been engaged in civil discourse and interaction. We can model civil behavior - it fits into our mission and speaks to how we engage with people.

[Cherokee Schill · Rating 5 out of 5]

so much better than a social etiquette guide.
how to respond to uncivilized behavior. more importantly, how to avoid getting sucked into uncivilized behavior by those around you.

[Bryan Tanner · Rating 5 out of 5]

REVIEW

This was the best book I've read all year! (Take that with a recency bias grain of salt.) This felt like a chill university course on manners: Social Hygiene 101.

I am naturally self-absorbed and could use education and practice developing charity. My purpose for reading was to develop the invaluable skill of considering that every action (or inaction) of mine has consequences for others and anticipating what those consequences will be. I wanted to learn to live in a more responsible and caring way.

"First we discipline our ego to look beyond the narrow confines of its immediate needs; then we will have a chance to understand what real love is. First manners, then love." P.M. Forni

In an era of incredible technological innovation, social interconnectivity, and tribalism, the almost-forgotten benefits of thinking, feeling, speaking, and behaving with kindness, consideration, and respect toward others are worth reviewing.

"Human beings want someone to listen to them. In the midst of a culture that glorified indulgent self-expression, we may find it difficult to attend patiently to the words of to others. It may not occur to us that when we find the strength to engage in considerate listening we are in fact expressing ourselves. At our best." P. M. Forni

Summary

Civility's defining characteristic is its ties to city and society. The word derives from the Latin civitas, which means "city," especially in the sense of civic community. The city is where we enlighten our intellect and refine our social skills. We learn to give of ourselves for the sake of the city. Although we can describe those who are civil as courteous, polite, and well-mannered, etymology reminds us that they are also supposed to be good citizens and good neighbors.

The author, Pierre M. Forni, lays out 25 rules of civility. I basically spent 2 or 3 days digesting and practicing each. I recommend this approach to all readers. I urge you to read slowly. Bring the page to life; imagine and internalize what a more civil life would yield. I envision the classic reader portrayed by Renaissance painters, with a finger in the closed book to mark the page that made him or her stop, meditate, and sometimes look at life in a new, life-changing fashion.

These are Forni's 25 rules of civility:

1. Pay Attention
2. Acknowledge Others
3. Think the Best
4. Listen
5. Be Inclusive
6. Speak Kindly
7. Don't Speak Ill
8. Accept and Give Praise
9. Respect Even a Subtle "No"
10.Respect Others' Opinions
11.Mind Your Body
12.Be Agreeable
13.Keep it Down
14.Respect Other People's Time
15.Respect Other People's Space
16.Apologize Earnestly
17.Assert Yourself
18.Avoid Personal Questions
19.Care for Your Guests
20.Be a Considerate Guest
21.Think Twice Before Asking for Favors
22.Refrain from Idle Compliments
23.Accept and Give Constructive Criticism
24.Respect the Environment and Be Gentle to Animals
25.Don't Shift Responsibility and Blame

Amazing Quotes

"Good relationships make our lives good. Bad relationships make our lives bad…To learn how to be happy we must learn how to live well with others, and civility is a key to that." P.M. Forni

"There is no joy except in human relationships." Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness." Lucius Annaeus Seneca

"Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind." Henry James

"Then [good manners] must be inspired by the good heart. There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter hoy and not pain around us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts." Marcus Aurelius

"Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them." Leo Tolstoy

"Our feelings are the products of our thoughts. A positive thought produces a feeling of contentment or happiness, a negative one a feeling of sadness or despondency. If we have control over what we think about what happiness to us, we have control over how we feel about it as well. This means, in turn, that we can be the makers of our own happiness. To say that this is an empowering message is an understatement. It comes , however, with quite a burden of personal responsibility, since it prevents us from blaming our misery on our circumstances." P.M. Forni

*Editorial: Not all feelings are products of thoughts. However, our brains do naturally react/respond to feelings that arise.

"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength." Eric Hoffer

"Yes, practicing civility may limit our immediate gratification. That's why we are tempted to be rude." P.M. Forni

"I believe in aristocracy…Not an aristocracy of power based on rank and influence, but an aristocracy of the sensitive, the considerate, and the plucky. Its members are to be found in all nations and all classes, and all through the ages, and there is a secret understanding between them when they meet. They represent the true human tradition, the one permanent victory of our queer race over cruelty and chaos." E. M. Forster.

"A human moment occurs anytime two or more people are together, paying attention to one another." Edward M. Hallowell

"Every action done in company, ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present." George Washington

"We must be as courteous to a man as we are to a picture we are willing to give the advantage of a good light." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares." Paul of Tarsus (Hebrews 13:2)

"The great secret, Eliza, is not having bad manners or good manners or any other particular sort of manners, but having the same manner for all human souls; in short, behaving as if you were in heaven, where there are no third-class carriages, and one soul is as good as another." George Bernard Shaw

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Complaining can be an exercise in self-obfuscation. When we complain, we often project onto others our dissatisfaction with how we are handling our own lives. By complaining about what others do to us, we avoid recognizing our own weaknesses and mistakes and thus miss the chance to bring positive change into our lives." P. M. Forni

Things I will change because of this book

• I've learned to pay better (quality) attention to others. Our first responsibility, when we are with others, is to pay attention, to attend to. Etymology tells us that attention has to do with "turning toward," "extending toward," "stretching." Thus attention is a tension connecting us to the world around us. Only after we notice the world can we begin to care for it. Every act of kindness is, first of all, an act of attention. When I'm talking with someone, I want to not just talk with a friend but with this friend. Michael P. Nichols, a Listening Guru, therapist, and PhD in Psychology, has observed, "Much of the conflict in our lives can be explained by one simple but unhappy fact: we don't really listen to each other." Listening is not just hearing and comprehending messages. Robert Bolton said, "the word listen is derived from two Anglo-Saxon words, one word is hlystan, which means 'hearing.' The other is hlyosnian, which means 'to wait in suspense.' Listening, then is a combination of hearing what the other person says and a suspenseful waiting, an intense psychological involvement with the other." Dr. Forni suggests that there are 3 basic components of being a good listener. (1) planning your listening (e.g., silence, putting your phone down, rest your mind). (2) Show that you are listening (e.g., eye contact, occasional nod, interjection of brief expressions). (3) Be a cooperative listener (e.g., don't rush to agree, simply show that you understand the issues, and gently invite your interlocutor to focus on pursuing that line of thought or others. Cooperative listening means helping the other person separate what is important from what is not. It means helping give shape and direction to what the other person is saying WHILE trying to understand what he or she is trying to say, not only with words but with body language as well. It involves asking open-ended questions. It stops short of intruding. Good listeners do not attempt to satisfy their own curiosity or push their opinions on others. Helping the speaker achieve a higher level of clarity should be the goal of your questions. It's ALL about them.)

• "Interlocuator" is a fancy word for someone with whom you're conversing (p. 50).

• Paying attention also means acknowledging others as we cross paths. (Believe it or not, I sometimes don't look up from reading if I notice someone walking by who isn't specifically trying to get my attention.) When we pay attention, we do justice to the presence of others in our lives. Attention entails a transcending of the Self. Through it, we confer value upon the lives of others. I HONOR YOUR WORTH when I show you that you are worthy of my attention. A simple "Hello" or "Good morning" is the most basic acknowledgment form. Through these few words, I communicate: "You exist, and this matters to me. I am also saying, "I know that you monitor—as I do—our relationship; reset assured that, as far as I am concerned, you and I are in reciprocal good standing. Not saying "Hello" has immense meaning for a relationship. If one morning I failed to say "Good morning," my omission would beg an explanation. The passerby might wonder whether something they did caused the unexpected change. My greeting may be more cheerful one day and less another, but it always performs a crucial job. A greeting is a minimal yet meaningful conferral of honor on a person for just being a person. With it, not only do we acknowledge and validate, but we also put at ease and wish well. We announce that we intend no harm and express our concern for the well-being of others. As we do so, we invite others to look upon us with our same benign disposition toward them. This is the stuff civility is made of (p. 42).

• Years ago, my mom taught me that the "table salt and pepper grinder travel together." Finally, I learned why on page 39. The behavior is rooted in ethics and moral philosophy: "You will be thinking of a need of [the asker] that may or may not be apparent. By [passing them together], you are not just observing an arbitrary rule. Your act has an ethical component since it requires attention and consideration…Keeping the saltshaker and pepper mill together makes it easier to locate them. Then the next person who needs them will not have to chase them around the table." This teaches me to overcome self-centeredness and be more considerate of people I may not know. Community.

• I'm going to try to be more present with people. I have let the past and the future affect my listening in the now. We are ineffective listeners when we let our past experiences interfere with the attention we should give to our present moment. For instance, I often let what I already know—or believe I know—of others alter my perception of what they are telling me at the present moment, in this unique set of circumstances. Additionally, I'm often let myself get distracted by my own goals for the conversation or listening only for what the speaker needs from me during our verbal exchange. (This behavior corresponds with something I read by Utah's premier dating coach, Alisa Goodwin Snell in her 17 Secrets to the Male Psychology, "A man experiences anxiety in every conversation a woman initiates until she tells him what she wants him to do.") If someone were to tell me about a painful experience, they are implicitly trusting that my first concern would be for their welfare and not how it affects me. Now, I'm not suggesting that I completely ignore past experiences and abstain from pursuing personal goals when interacting with others. That would be not only impossible but also unwise. I am saying that as a listener, I must concentrate on just listening before doing anything else (p. 51).

• I can do better at being more inclusive: (a) reevaluate my dislikes. Are they all warranted? Is change overdue? (b) try speaking and listening to somebody I've never liked. (c) make the effort of spending a few minutes with somebody I've always found uninteresting. (d) When I have several listeners, I won't turn to just one or two of them, thus treating the others like they weren't there. (e) At social gatherings, choose conversation topics that can be enjoyed by all present. (f) Summarize the contents of an ongoing conversation for a newcomer. (g) If I am responsible for teamwork, elicit input from all team members. (h) If I am making plans with a coworker for an impromptu cafeteria lunch, include any other coworker present. (i) Don't speak in Spanish if others are listening. (j) Make a new neighbor feel welcome by just stopping by to say, "Welcome." (k) Tell in-laws, "Welcome to the family." (l) Help a newcomer to town/work get adjusted to the new environment. Give him or her tips about town life. (m) Develop and show an interest in cultures other than mine. (This does not require that I enthusiastically endorse every aspect of them. It is civil of me to consider different mores and values with an open mind.)

That's only 1/2 of the book. Goodreads won't allow me the space to write more. But here are a few additional changes I'd like to make: to feel responsible for my guests' comfort, don't touch my face, use a hanker-chief, don't enter full elevators, be more assertive while being sensitive to others, respectfully stand up for my feelings, care more for animals and other living things, respect the property of others, don't ask for favors (a) that I could easily do myself, (b) if it is unethical or illegal. There are dozens more. Wow! I loved this book.

[ReadingMama · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was about a lot of common sense and courtesy that we SHOULD know, and felt like a middle school text book.. What we should do vs. not to do as a civilized human being. I skimmed through it and gleaned several awesome quotations that I like repeat:
Ralph Waldo Emerson : Let us be silent so we may hear the whisper of the God
Samuel Buckett: I cannot go on; I will go on
Ann Frank: Then I do not think of all the misery but of the glory that remains
Mark Rosen: A good friend will listen to us without judgment. Accept the intensity of our feelings. Respect our pain and express concern. A really good friend will in addition, help us to see our situation in a new way.
Native American Saying: We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors. We borrow it from our children.
Dr. Seligman “Learned optimism”: Life inflicts views on the advantages of adopting an optimistic outlook: life in the same setbacks and tragedies on the optimist as on the pessimist, but the optimist weathers them better. The optimist bounces back form defeat and with his life somewhat poorer he picks up and starts again. The pessimist gives up and falls into depression. Because of his resilience, the optimist achieves more at work, at school and on the playing field. The optimist has better physical health and may even live longer!

Civility: code of decency to be applied in everything in life. Ideal reader is portrayed as a painter of the renaissance with a finger in the closed book to mark the page that made her stop, meditate and sometimes look at life in a new life changing fashion!

• Life is difficult but it is not unbearable.. Serenity, contentment, well-being, even happiness is not only possible but also relatively easy reach.
• Good relationship makes our lives good.
• Through civility we develop thoughtfulness, foster effective self-expression and communication.
• In life, we are wax upon which others leaves their mark!
• We live in the age of radical individualism and cultural relativism.
• The lack of meaningful coherence in our lives can be disheartening. Our feelings are the products of our thoughts.
• Our society has done a good job of encouraging self-esteem but not as good job of teaching self-control!

[Jaana Wessman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the book's call for return to civility and the definition of it as "respect, restraint, concern, benevolence". I believe the idea that if we concentrated more on being civil at each other and the world at large because its own sake / because of the other people and the world, and less on ourselves and what others think of us, the world would be a better place for everyone, including ourselves. The advice given is largely good. The book is a slow read but to be fair, that is his intent (he says as much in the foreword).

In some places it shines through that this is an upper middle-class man writing, and the audience that is easiest for him to keep in mind is other upper middle-class men or people in the spheres of life formerly dedicated for men only. It is not that the advice is not sound for anyone - it is - but written by someone with another audience in mind, some of the examples would have been different, and the emphasis would have been different. Some people need, say, the chapter on asserting yourself more than the one on restraining yourself from prying, and there are cultural patterns to this. But I do not think we should hold that against the writer; we just should keep it in mind when reading his words.

My only real gripe with him are the reasons for being assertive. There he explains, quite correctly, that one needs to take care of oneself too. He fails to clearly explain the other crucial point in asserting yourself and stating clearly your boundaries: it is not respectful to other people to pretend, beyond when necessary refraining from raising a topic or engaging in an argument. Not stating your boundaries clearly is often nothing but lying by omission. Other people deserve you honestly describing your stance, and trying to protect them from having feelings about them is belittling and patronizing. I feel the asserting yourself as a means of respect, and doing it respectfully, would have fit his other reasoning better than the self-care angle.