Touch Wood: Confessions of an Accidental Porn Director

by Anonymous

What would inspire a man to give up his job? Lie to his friends? Avoid his parents? Con his girlfriend? And shell out tens of thousands of his own cash? Only to spend months in a darkened room in South London, looking for the money shot and hanging out with people named after puns?
'Anonymous' never thought he would become a porn director. His dad's a vicar and his mother bakes cakes for the WI. But when his career as a session musician stalls, he decides it's time for plan B. So begins his first year as a rookie director. Trying to film a secret orgy in a five-star hotel can be tricky, especially when a plane load of flight attendants try and join in. Then there's your temperamental cameraman and the porn star who can't get it up. And when exactly is the right time to tell your gorgeous but sensitive girlfriend what you really do for a living? Full of hilarious and downright eye-popping stories, TOUCH WOOD is the first book to expose the secret world of the UK porn industry. Shocking and deliciously naughty, it is very, very funny and sure to keep you up all night . . .

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Biography

276 pages, Paperback

First published July 31, 2007

About the author

Books can be attributed to "Anonymous" for several reasons:

* They are officially published under that name
* They are traditional stories not attributed to a specific author
* They are religious texts not generally attributed to a specific author

Books whose authorship is merely uncertain should be attributed to Unknown.

See also: Anonymous

Reviews

[Petra X · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before we start, let's get into porn-as-a-business mode, read this: Interview with a female fluffer. If it offends you well, as Salman Rushdie says, you read it, you worked pretty hard at being offended.

The book is a true exposé of the porn film business in the UK. Very funny and probably true. It was interesting and amusing to read of the differences between the UK, France and the US porn-star predilections. The UK likes to see the girl-next-door, warts and all, no problem with hairy bits. France likes lots of bottoms and the US likes everything excessively youthful, silicone boobs, bleached blonde hair, fake eyelashes, botox and a Brazilian (at the most). Artificial everything is fine, body hair is not. Funny that.

I had been slightly involved in post-production porn at one time - checking videos for errors after my friend (then) had duplicated them in commercial quantities for the production companies. It was very tedious indeed, sitting checking, fast-forwarding and checking again, 8 hours a day, put me off porn films for life. I also knew a porn cameraman - he was the official film-maker for the Labour Party, but you know, camera for hire,and he would tell us of funny stories, like having to clean the soles of people's feet once they got up and 'in position'.

The funniest story was about all those amateurs who answer ads to perform in a porn video. They think it will be so exciting, but the reality of it is that there quite a few people standing around waiting to check for spots-on-the-bum, stretch marks and brillo pad-like pubic hair. There is the camera crew waiting to set up very bright lights, do some test shots and make tea (this is the UK, there has to be a tea-lady). Half a dozen slightly bored people wanting to get on with the job of filming the sex and really not at all turned on by it.

Under these less than erotic circumstances, the men often can't get it up. If they weren't amateurs they would have the services of a fluffer - an attractive girl whose job it is to produce an erection in the male star, by any means she can. But amateurs don't get free blow jobs. So what they do when the guy can't get it up and holding his willie at the base still isn't producing anything stiff enough for penetration is they buy an insert of a successful insertion.

All filmed material whether in the movies or commercials that is produced by an outside team is called an insert, but in the case of porn the name is particularly apt.

So there you have it. You might be looking at the bouncing bottom and slack-mouthed passion of one couple but looking at the private parts of quite another. In fact, the private parts are so anonymous you might have seen this particular pair in many films. If you are an afficianado of porn, that is.

And so, knowing these small facts, I know that the book is essentially true.

Good fast amusing read those wanting to know what 'its really like' and what porn stars are like when they aren't working. They always put on a robe when they aren't on the set, being nude is working. If they are British, they are sitting there between shots having a cup of tea and a chocolate digestive, being quite ordinary, just like you and me.

The story of the fluffer is just that, it might be 100% true or total fiction. Who cares?

Rewritten June 29th, 2018

[Manny · Rating 3 out of 5]

The most important thing I learned from reading this book: if you happen to have a friend who makes porn movies, do not, under any circumstances, let yourself be talked into lending him your apartment to use as a location. You simply won't believe how disgusting it will look when you get it back.

[Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was bloody hilarious. Our anonymous director guides us through the start of his career from deciding he wants to work in porn to establishing himself on the circuit. He describes everything in a humourous and entertaining fashion, including the shoots themselves. There were a few things that certainly made my eyes water.

[Eavan · Rating 1 out of 5]

Shite, there is a reason why it only cost 1.99, the words not worth the paper keep springing to mind.

[Tracy Smyth · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I learned from this book - if you have a friend who makes porn movies DO NOT let them use your home to make their movies - lots of cleaning up to do afterwards.

[Jill · Rating 2 out of 5]

Like the last piece of Brit lad lit I'd rated - Toby Young's How to Lose Friends and Alienate People - I would rate Touch Wood: Confessions of an Accidental Porn Director somewhere around 2.5 stars. Unlike Toby Young who is a young and ambitious social-climbing prat, the unnamed protagonist of Touch Wood is a bass guitarist in his mid-40s whose best years in the music business are behind him. He clearly has no social climbing tendencies when he hits upon the brilliant idea of doing what he "know(s) and love(s)" - porn. But both Young and the protagonist in Touch Wood essentially snag a book deal and laughs by chronicling their improbable misadventures stemming from their optimistic, at times delusional, ambitions. Pick this up for light, mindless, vacation reading and if you want to find out the difference between implied nude, artistic nude, UK mag naked, and continental/US mag naked.

[Claire Sayan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can’t actually believe I managed to finish this. I hate books like this but having said that- by 100 pages in I needed to know if he made it or not!

[Tina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Misleading title , you can't accidentally become a porn director, he knew what he was doing. Interesting story though just it wasn't accidental, really if you think about it

[Lilith Noir · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had very little to do with actually making porn. It was mostly about the author being shitty to his friends, his girlfriend, and the performers he hires. Which I sort of expected, since it's written anonymously - that indicates to me that either it's all totally fictional, or the author is just going to whine a lot and doesn't want his name on it.

[Miriam Matthews · Rating 4 out of 5]

This wasn't the best book that I have read, but it was an easy enough read that I finished it off. My only problem with it though was that it ended up feeling more unrealistic and the ending wasn't too fantastic.

[Sharad · Rating 5 out of 5]

if its true ..it funny ..but if not then awefu, but somting tell me it is l

[Kenneth]

I registered a book at BookCrossing.com!
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/13184000