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80 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1995
At last you get up:
and suddenly notice you're holding
your body without the heart
to curse its lonely life, it's suffering
from cold and from the winter
light that fills the room
like fear. And all at once you hug it tight,
the way you might hug
somebody you hate,
if he came to you in tears.
He just can't cry --
it is terrible to cry
when you're by yourself, because
what then?
Nothing is solved,
nobody comes;
even solitary children understand. This
apparent respite, this apparent quenching
of the need to be befriended
might (much like love in later years) leave you
lonelier than when you were merely alone.
This is the abomination of the secret
envy the sane feel for the mad with their constantly
menaced
yet suicidal willingness
to tell the truth with a clear conscience;
envy of the torturer
who will be going home soon, disgusted
and tired from his legal day's work
to supper and family...
Because I live inside the dream
the one I dreamed inside the life
they forced on me
so long ago
Like a supper that's sadistically
prepared from each and every food
a child is known to gag on
day after month after year
Expect, in addition
to moments of anguish,
the ever-astonishing realization
of just how generic one's most deeply personal
torments really are.
[...]
Human beings routinely survive
without love --
but you cannot survive without loving
someone or something
more than yourself.
I give up. I am tired,
I can't mourn anymore
the loss of what I never asked for
and never understood.
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