Infidelity: A Love Story

by Ann Pearlman

It is estimated that an alarming four out of five married couples experience infidelity. Growing up with a mother and grandmother who painfully accepted the existence of their respective husbands’ mistresses, Ann Pearlman set out to beat the odds. She embarked on a career as a therapist who helped hundreds of unhappily married patients build new lives. She also found a husband with whom she felt secure. But after thirty years of rewarding marriage and parenthood, she discovered that her husband was having an affair with one of his art students. Infidelity is the moving account of her shattered trust, and the women in her family who endured similar wounds in the radically different climate of America before 1960.

Written in precisely drawn, vivid scenes, Infidelity traces Pearlman’s first understanding of unfaithfulness through her father. A gifted and intelligent man, he took the time to explain Freud’s theories to her during dinner, a meal often served late because of his after-work trysts. Falling in love with Ty, an African American football player and artist, she basked in a strong marriage that even shrugged off interracial bias and inspired her to write a book on how to foster vitality in a marriage. Yet as her own unraveled, she arrived at a turning point that would test everything she had taught and believed. Compelling reading for men and women alike, Infidelity is an eye-opening testament to commitments made and broken, and the experience of matrimony across three very different yet strikingly connected lifetimes.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Contemporary, Relationships

272 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

About the author

Ann Pearlman was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize and National Book Award for INFIDELITY which was also made into a Lifetime movie. Her first novel, THE CHRISTMAS COOKIE CLUB has been translated into 6 languages and is a national and international bestseller. A GIFT FOR MY SISTER, following characters first introduced in The Christmas Cookie Club won a prize for best fiction. THE LOTTERY, the third in the series, was published in the fall of 2014.
Ann also writes non-fiction. INSIDE THE CRIPS is the story of a gang member from L.A. and KEEP THE HOME FIRES BURNING sent Ann on a national TV, (Oprah) radio and print tour. She wrote a cookbook with her friend, and hostess of her cookie club, Marybeth Bayer, THE CHRISTMAS COOKIE COOKBOOK. OTHER LIVES, ANGELS, and the STORY OF MR.BLUE are illustrated short stories.With HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW, Ann returned to memoir as part of Shebooks first launch in late 2013.

Ann studied writing at the University of Michigan, attended workshops at Sewanee and Squaw Valley Writers' Conferences

When she's not writing, Ann making art (in fact, her work has been in galleries throughout the US.) dancing, and hanging out with family and friends.

read more and see her art: www.annpearlman.net

Reviews

[Carmen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very painful book to read, at least as a heterosexual female reader. 1000x more because it is non-fiction.

Ann has known about infidelity and it's consequences all her life. Her grandfather cheated on her grandmother, going so far as to ask for his mistress when he was on his deathbed. Her father was even worse - a womanizer who slept with prostitutes, waitresses, secretaries...any and every female he met he flirted with and tried to get into bed. Ann grows up watching her mother trying to deal with this reality - married to a man who doesn't want to leave her, still wants to fuck her on the regular, but she knows all the while that he's got four or five women on the side at any given time.

Ann vows never to become her mother. She vows never to tolerate infidelity in her men. Her father tells her brutally that it's impossible for a man to be faithful. It's male nature to be promiscuous, he tells her. You might as well just accept it, he tells her. Your husband WILL cheat on you, it's just a fact of life. Get over it.

Ann not only has to deal with her fear of becoming her mother, but her fear of becoming her father. Will she be tempted to cheat because her father did? Did she inherit some kind of cheating gene? Is she predestined to cheat on her lovers?

Ann eventually meets and marries a great guy, a black football player and artist named Ty. Being a interracial couple in the 1960s and fighting society and their families opinions bonds them in a way that nothing else could. They are deeply in love. They get married, and for about 30 years they live in wedded bliss. They have three children together. Everything is great. Ann becomes a marriage counselor. Her marriage is so wonderful that she even writes a marriage manual called "Keep the Home Fires Burning: How to Have an Affair with Your Spouse" in which she talks about how to keep a marriage fresh and exciting, and how she and her husband have a great sex life even after being married for decades.

Imagine the shame and great irony that slams into her when she finds out her husband is having an affair with his (married) Japanese art student. For the last third of the book, Ann desperately tries to repair her marriage and understand why her husband did what he did. However, no matter how hard she tries, her husband remains unrepentant and does nothing to help salvage their marriage. He continues to see and write to Sakiko. He doesn't want a divorce - but he wants to be able to spend half his time with his lover, who "inspires him creatively" and who he thinks is "his other life partner."

Ann's children all know what Ty did - Ann hides nothing from them, even though her youngest is 11 at the time. She doesn't question this decision at all, and is ruthlessly honest with the children about their father's infidelity.

I was ready for Ann to kick Ty to the curb after it becomes obvious that even though he SAYS he loves her, he doesn't and is unwilling to change. But she agonizes over whether she should divorce him and goes to therapy with him and tries to psychoanalyze him to no end. I understand WHY she's doing this - not only is she trying to save their marriage and they have 3 kids together, but she is also a marriage counselor.

ON TOP OF ALL THIS, the fact that she has a "heritage" of cheating men in her family makes her feel very guilty, confused, upset, and angry. A great scene in the book is when she goes to dinner with a best friend. And her friend says, "He's made you undergo the worst thing that you could possibly undergo." Ann argues with her friend. No, cheating is not the worst thing. Having your kid be sexually abused, getting put in a concentration camp, etc. etc. THOSE are the worst things that could happen. "No," her best friend insists. "To YOU. The worst thing he could possibly do to YOU PERSONALLY, knowing your history and your fears about marriage and men."

And it's true - Ty has completely destroyed Ann's world. She's worked so hard and done everything she could to avoid her parents' fate, only to end up in the same place herself. The results are devastating. She can't eat, she can't sleep. Ty tells her upfront he was just planning to be with Sakiko for the rest of his life, and planning for her to never find out about it. She trusted him completely - never went through any of his things and never checked up on him when he had late nights "working" or had to go on "business trips." He tells her that the affair has nothing to do with her, it's completely separate from her. She's incredulous. After all, this is a man who knows about her family history and who she's trusted in and confided in completely.

Even though I think this book is excellent, a thoughtful and raw examination of infidelity and how it's dealt with - I would hesitate to recommend it to most people. Especially married heterosexual females. This book takes a long time building up a great, communicative marriage full of love and trust, a marriage that has overcome numerous obstacles like racism and infertility and then shows how easy it is to burn it to the ground. It's very disturbing and painful. Another friend of Ann's says, "He was faithful to you for 30 years or so...perhaps that's the best you could ever expect."

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I begin this review with a piece of advice: Do NOT read this memoir if you wish to continue believing in the happily-ever-after, one man for one woman in heterosexual monogamous bliss fairy tale life that so permeates our value system. If, however, you are someone like me, who long ago gave up that fantasy, you might still find yourself as I am now at the book's conclusion: feeling disappointed and discouraged, unsure how to balance my belief that monogamy is unnatural and inhuman with the belief that human beings are not meant to be alone. That we are meant to love, be loved, and make love.

I've spent considerable time reading many books on the subject of monogamy, discussed in scientific, sociological, evolutionary or historical contexts. After each book's conclusion I would always be left wondering why it is that something that has been proven time again to be a falsity - monogamy - is so hungrily sought and paraded as the norm, so pushed upon us through stories, movies, and song? How the statistics well over 50% that state that percentage (and more) of relationships suffer infidelity can be ignored a la "But that won't happen to us" and "We won't be a statistic." That despite these statistics, people believe that their relationship will be the monogamous anomaly.

This was the first memoir I'd read on the subject; it was a touching and painful story to read, and I could not put it down. Carmen wrote a wonderful review of this book and described in ample detail the storyline, so rather than reiterate those sections, I will merely say that in this book, the author was familiar firsthand with infidelities, in her family by her grandfather and father, yet felt somehow she would be different, that she could control it, that their marriage would not follow the same pattern. She dedicated her career to counseling others and writing books to help marriages and relationships. She believed in the fairy tale, but after nearly thirty years of marriage she, too, found herself a part of that statistic. How do you move on after thirty years of life with someone when everything you've known to be true, everything you believed to be real, is taken away from you in the one moment you realize you have been deceived?

I feel a tragic sense of loss and hopelessness at the conclusion of this book. I mourned for the author and her destroyed dreams. It's a huge disservice to women that we are taught from an early age that monogamy is natural. It creates a fantasy that we try desperately to fulfill, and ultimately end up disappointed and embittered, devoid of trust for others and confidence in ourselves. Perhaps if we could be taught to be more understanding of our biological make up, to accept that deep down we really are simply animals (albeit highly intelligent ones) and programmed to procreate (and thus copulate) as much as possible (not always with the same person), we might be able to live a bit more harmoniously with the opposite sex. Or, yeah, maybe that too is a fantasy!

As our esteemed President Calvin Coolidge remarked in this example:

… an old joke about Calvin Coolidge when he was President … The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm. When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

(Source: Wikipedia, Coolidge Effect)

[Cindy · Rating 3 out of 5]

After enduring a childhood in which her father was unfaithful to her mother, Ann Pearlman enjoys her strong marriage to Ty, until eventually she discovers that he too has been unfaithful. This is certainly not a feel-good book, but then it's a rare memoir that is. It is, however, fascinating to read how different people rationalize, even accept a spouse's infidelity, though I admit that I was becoming impatient with Pearlman's inability to make the break. The Michigan-connection? Ann Pearlman studied writing at the University of Michigan and lives in Ann Arbor.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you, Ann Pearlman, for sending me an ARC of your memoir "Infidelity" .. a most courageous powerful, well written book that kept me up well into the night turning pages. I plan to spread the word to female book review clubs that will have a plethora of discussable issues for their meetings this fall. Your experiences of rage, pain, depression, doubts & decisions rang true with me throughout your story. BRAVA!

[Steve · Rating 4 out of 5]

A well written memoir by a therapist/writer, who traces the ravages of infidelity on 4 generations of women--her grandmother and mother decided to stay with their philandering husbands. After 25 years of marriage, she starts to question her husband. I won't spoil the ending. I found it fascinating, quite a drama. I love the personal narrative, and she writes this well, simple and direct, poetic at times, rooted in nature, at times (though I didn't get a sense of place of Madison, who it turns out we've overlapped), and insightful. Gave me a lot to think about.

[Daphne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the first 200 pages of this book. I felt like I was invited into her home to share the unthinkable experiences with her family. I became increasingly impatient with her being unable to let go of the unfaithful, elusive and ignoble, Ty. While I shouldn't judge her personal experiences, I yearned for her to act quicker after discovering his betrayal. In the end, I had to remember that this is her story. She was documenting her own experiences.

[Krystelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I couldn’t do it, and I can’t understand that three generations of this family could. The idea of cheating on a partner and then them choosing to stay with you is so alien to me it goes against every bone in my body. This book was miserable in the sense that every one of these women deserved better and had their opportunities to leave. I don’t think you can love someone without trusting them, so there’s a point where there’s nothing left to save. I just wish the women in this book had done that.

[Veronica WordsAreMyDrinkOfChoice · Rating 3 out of 5]

Heartbreaking, painful and truthful. So sad to watch these women be so badly treated. I do not understand why any of them stayed, they all deserved so much better.

[Ebookwormy1 · Rating 2 out of 5]

I almost put this book down after the first 100 pages, but I decided to read 'one more chapter', and I'm glad I did because i don't think it was a complete waste of time.

The sparse, almost wooden, recollection of the author's childhood in the first 100 pages wasn't aided by telling the story in the present tense, which seems more like a gimmick to ATTEMPT to bring some life into the story.

Honestly, this book didn't get good until the infidelity started heating up. Perhaps it is in the expectations? Finishing the book, I was struck by several things:

1) All the psychologizing in the world doesn't change the fact that adultery is just plan sinful. It languishes the hearts of those who partake, and damages the trust of those victimized by it (the faithful spouse and children). The explanations Pearlman reaches for seem overly complex, when if you look at it Biblically, it's quite simple. Choose to sin, choose to suffer" (James MacDonald), and in a family, no one person suffers in isolation. I also found her ex-husbands tendency to explain things by the 'gods'...interesting.

2) Is there any surprise at the incredible selfishness of the men portrayed? The selfishness to think an affair has 'nothing to do with the wife and children' or is 'just something for me'. The selfishness to spend holidays or evenings with the mistress, while the family goes without dad (due to whatever lie they are fed) or waits for hours for dinner.

3) This is as much as book about Pearlman's sexuality as it is about infidelity. I found some parts to be embarrassingly personal. I'm really quite shocked that she would write such things about herself and share them publicly and that, if she was comfortable, others in her life (particularly her ex-husband) wouldn't object. Language (F bombs galore) in the context of strong emotions, eroticism (from childish experimentalism, to pre-marriage fornication, to marital love & sex, etc) as well as the struggle to picture and degrade adulterous encounters make for a raw, almost profane, read. I would not recommend this book to anyone under college age.

4) The insights into a couple of cases she counseled were excellent. Particularly the woman married to the legislator.

5) I come from generations of faith and monogamy. The value for me in reading this work is seeing how the other half lives, and it isn't pretty. Advantages were the plethera of perspectives, from the womanizing adulturer who is constantly switching, to the man who is married yet retains a single mistress for decades, to the newly caught man, to the destruction of a marriage, the many facets of infidelity are represented.

6) But there is no resolution to this work, and if there is, it is utterly unsatisfying. Sure, they divorce and she moves on, but to what? The sexual freedom she seems to value is at odds with her quest for monogamy the entire book, and any new relationship sees doomed to the SAME mistakes. There is such a desire to blame the infidelity on the man himself, and surely he needs to table up to his lack of self-control. But there is a complete failure to recognize that a sexually free lifestyle is the root of the problem. Because of that underlying foundational error, this is a inevitably disheartening read.

[Sull · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fairly frightening book for those of us with trust/jealousy issues. Real-life story of an intelligent and self-aware woman who thought her marriage was sound, built on honesty & open communication, so different from her parents' and grandparents' unbalanced & deceptive marriages where the husbands philandered and the wives took it, with anguish.

Ann thought her husband understood her great fear of repeating that single family pattern that haunted her, understood and honored it. He did not, in the end... and the reason was complicated and compelling reading. In the end his own need (specifically ambition) won out over hers, as is perhaps the case with cheaters more often than not, sadly. Both were good, well-meaning people, married many years, with a child they loved. A somber, sometimes frustrating read--no gilding of any lilies whatsoever.

[Donna Huber · Rating 4 out of 5]

This probably wouldn't have been a book I picked up for myself because of the subject matter, but it was a well written and interesting memoir. Read my full review at Girl Who Reads

[Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book. At first I thought it was going to be a silly soap opera about marriage but it turned out to be well written and really interesting. I strongly recommend.

[Crystal]

Interesting! The family dynamic and story line is wonderful.

[Liz · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very long memoir about the author's cheating father and grandfather, and her perfect husband.

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the most cringe worthy first chapter I’ve ever read, Megan Belisle!

[Brian Wadman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Picked this up at the bookstore in Lake Elsinore when I was trying to break out of the Corona virus quarantine.

The contrasting nature of men and women is highlighted. The motive for the man's cheating was very interesting. It appears he prioritized art over his wife and when he was being creative with a Japanese student he fell in love. He thought he couldn't learn anymore from his wife.


Heartbreaking.

[Erika Nerdypants · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting memoir. Needs some editing though, the typos irritated me.