clownfucker

by Snedwick P. Philebius

(for Adults 18+)
An erotic circus conspiracy thriller from the mind of Shawn Pierson! (a.k.a. Snedwick P. Philebius) Some women go for tall men; others like muscles. Alice likes hers with facepaint and giant floppy shoes. When the circus comes to town, Alice is all set to satisfy her clown fetish, but this time she may have taken on more than she bargained for. The big top brings new men into her life, but she soon finds things spinning out of control, as she becomes caught up in a web of corporate politics and shadowy secret agency intrigues with global implications. Is she in too deep to recover her life? One clown holds the key that may save her or destroy her.

this book is intended for adults over 18 years only, as it includes graphic descriptions of sexual activity between consenting adult characters.

Genres: Erotica

114 pages, ebook

First published May 1, 2012

Reviews

[karen]

ahhhhh, clownfucker.

how could i not read this, given my reading history? for the record, i am neither frightened nor turned on by clowns. i find them a little sad, to be honest. like they are trying too hard to entertain, and no one is really pleased to see them coming, like subway buskers.

poor clowns.

the clowns in this story, however, have no reason to complain!and people are thrilled to see them coming!(oh my god, a double entendre!) they have found a woman with a genuine fetish, and by the sounds of things, she is not an anomaly! clowns get play!

and then - imagine my surprise! imagine my delight!the name of the circus is "brissette's big top!" and it is run under the iron cleavage of karen brissette! who keeps her clothes on throughout, you pervs...

oh, snedwick P. philebius, surely your real name - how pleased i am that you thought to include me (and troy denuthe) in your epic tale of clown sexuality and government conspiracies! and the free market! and military applications of the dildo!

and i come across pretty nice on the surface.

Karen smiled warmly. “Why thank you; I love it too.” She lay the book aside. “I think life should be an experience… an adventure in food and fun, if you will, and I’ve tried to create this circus to share that vision.”

but don't cross me, or i will send you mean and brusque notes...

stop asking questions about dead clowns.
-karen brissette

and it is even in all-lowercase letters!

it is like i am known!!
wonderful.

this book was much longer than i expected.(hee, isn't that always a good thing?) most monsterotica is about 3- 5,000 words. it is for instant gratification (even if the gratification is only laffter) and this one is 106 pages! but these are smashwords pages, which are basically half a computer-screen's worth.

and it has footnotes and questions for discussion! for your next wine-and-cheese book club!

and i learned so much:

The circus is supposed to be a distraction, Trace; the more unreal, the better. The Romans took ‘Bread and Circus’ very seriously. It was a political tool to keep the underclasses pliant, by allowing them temporary escape from the miserable realities of life.

yup.

but more importantly, how does a clown sound during orgasm?

“MMMMMMMMMMM!!!” His pumping became vigorous. “CANDY PEPPERMINT ROASTED PEANUT POPSICLE!!!”

GOD DAMN CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES GUMDROP LICORICE COTTON CANDY TWISTED TAFFY MOTHERFUCKING BUTTERSCOTCH ORANGE GRAPE WAFFLE CONES!!!!”

but as this book taught me, the things a clown says when he is coming, like a woman's orgasms, is pretty much stochastic.

and, yes, this may be the only erotic piece in the world to casually use the word "stochastic."

this book also offers up solutions to the decline in the productivity of the american workforce:

The dildo goes into the rectum of the worker at the beginning of the workday. Sensors stick into the lining of the colon to read the worker’s temperature, blood pressure, and levels of different blood chemicals which affect mood and performance, like serotonin, melatonin, and adrenaline...This computer analyzes the data to determine the worker’s peak performance parameters. If it senses the worker relaxing or becoming tired… Tim motioned towards another area on the diagram- “a tiny syringe injects a stimulant from a reservoir- something like nicotine or caffeine- into the user’s bloodstream, restoring them to maximum productivity

and magnetic potato chips! what will erotica think of next?

this book will teach you about the boxer rebellion, and corporate greed and candy-fucking.

yup, definitely something for every taste here.
CLOWNFUCKER!

[Praj · Rating 4 out of 5]

All was well after the horrifying storm last night. The electrical circuit was back up and running and the dysfunctional Linux system in a safe mode. Nothing was to be feared anymore. All clandestine deciphering modulated files were once again sheltered in DARPA’s cyber security crypt. It was a dull Tuesday, glorious spring was about to knock at the door. People were seen taking the day at a slow pace. How could you blame the poor office staff after yesterday’s lunacy? Masturbating clowns prancing across the desktop;shattering reminiscent of a climaxing Super Mario , playing “Whatchamacallit !! A candy that makes my dick dandy” , was horrifying than those ejaculating robotic bumblebees. A cyber nightmare indeed!

A – Here you go with your Cuppa Joe.
B - Do you have an Advil?
A - Advil…eh? Headache? Menancing clowns eh?
B - (Twitching in his chair) Er… more of a backache.
A – (sensing the uneasiness of his colleague) Did…no you didn’t? Hahaha! Good ol’ bastard did some anal probing last night. Was it those candy licking dandy clowns?
B – No shit! Er...Just tried a mock test of Snafu’s Productivity Dildo. Blame those slutty Kardashians!
A - Deep eh? Was it better than those robotic bees?
B - Jeez…. Chewed on like 3 packs of Junior Mints on each grunt.

Out of the blue, the dragging computer screen flash a staggering repetition: - ‘Alice in the Palace’; flooding the screen approximating a hacker’s vendetta.

B– (still experiencing posterior soreness) ..I’m on it….. the IPO supply…..
A – Hey! Hang on a sec… that name rings a bell for sure. Alice…..Alice….Alice…. Aha!! The bloody clown groupie!!
B – Clown groupie?(Frantically working the keypad deciphering the source of this cyber terror)
A – Yeah… Alice Taraquin, the candy lady.
B – Huh?
A – That tight piece of ass who likes to suck on caramelized apples while she twirls the candy canes.
B – Twirl where dude?
A - Hahaha!!.....How’s that ass pain coming?
( B sniggers at the laugh. How he wished he wouldn't have dugged dip? Fucking Kardashians!)

A – Do you remember Tim from Snafu? Hahaha!! Sure you do? the motherfucker tells me ,Alice has a serious fetish for clowns with big feet with an affinity to no. 9. She says, "the bigger the better".
B – Hmmm.... so it is true what the ladies say about big feet.
A – Why do you care? The lunchroom is buzzing about you shoe number. Five is it?
B – Shut the crap out! Tell me more about this Alice chick.
A – Well.. rumor has it, she has a thing for some Sir Johnny and that Towel clown. She ravenously fucks them between the dog training acts; circle jerking to minty obscenities. Bitch! seem to like some posterior explorations too. If it wasn’t for your feet, you could have been a good candidate for Reese ass Pieces. Hahahaha!! That’s some crazy ass orgy.
B- Fucking Bastard! Maybe try to press a button or two sometimes. Heck! Clear some things up…will ya? Where does Alice finds all those horny clowns?
A - Brisette’s Big Top Circus!!
B – Big Top , eh? ( sniggers at the very thought)
A – Oh yeah! That’s one mysterious lady, who hates when asked about dead clowns.
B- Dead clowns? Huh?? Praying mantis ordeal??
A – Boy! That’s chick’s got a nice rack.
B – A nice rack, eh? That’s why the Big Top Banner. Hahaha!! I get it now.
A - Dude with your assfucking, don’t even think about tapping that piece of ass. Word has it , she’s a fierce vixen…..might give you another treacherous anal probing.

Once again the computer screen went blank again. The name disappeared and so did the input source. Fear crept in those languid minds again. Who was it now? CIA…some covert operation? Those guys from RAND? There was a buzz about some classified Antarctica expedition. Zilch was the answer to all; just some clown jerking off to the sounds of peanut coated candy.

A – Let it be. It won't do any good. Are you planning dildo experimentation?
B - What’s your fucking problem?
A – Relax, dude! If you're free tonight wanna chill at the bar downstairs?
B - only if you enlighten me more on that clown orgy. Maybe that can get all worked up for another Snafu product.

As those oblivious men locked their offices to get some rounds of Jack Daniels, the screens lighted up again….

Every time a woman fingers, a clown is born with a licorice.

[Esteban del Mal · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this is the equivalent to being home alone at night and receiving threatening (not threatening; let's say annoying) phone calls that the police trace to having originated from within your own home. Why? Because actual, real-pixel-life Goodreaders are cast as characters herein. What does this tell us? That author what's-its-name is a student of Goodreads. No wonder he's ('Snedwick' is a man's name, isn't it?) deranged.

The story itself, about 100 pages too long, starts out like some kind of half-assed philosophical dialogue between two women, one a vacuous twit, the other a veritable a wellspring of (non-carnal) knowledge. But if you think it's going to end-up as some girl-on-girl thing, prepare for disappointment. And if you think the author is merely whetting your clownfucking appetite, be aware that he's actually lubing up your brain (people that read this stuff have those, or so I'm told) for grander, less sexy, themes. Like what, you ask? Well, dildos and liberty come to mind.

Anyway, if you'd like to witness an intelligent and masturbatory mind unravel before your eyes, you could do worse than read this.

[Ian "Marvin" Graye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bread and Circuses

Snedwick P. Philebius is the Robert ["Woody Allen"] Zimmerman of their generation.

Perhaps, Dylan stated the obvious when in 1965 he sang "even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked".

Yet, who would have guessed how degenerate things could get since then?

Bread and circuses were once a distraction from the main game of commerce and politics.

Now, capitalism is all about generating bread, and politics has become a circus.

Clown Time's Not Over, It's Only Just Begun

In today's world, corporate executives and politicians alike have become clowns.

These times call for a man or woman of courage, someone who will point out that the emperor is wearing no clothes and even the clown sometimes must have to stand naked.

And, readers, Snedwick is that man or woman.

[From now on, I will refer to Snedwick in the gender-free plural, because surely talent of these dimensions could not be encapsulated in a singular mortal being of just one of the three available sexes.]

Erotically Attracted to a Protracted Tract

Not only is Snedwick a cultural critic of great perspicacity, they know how vital erotica has become to the cultural and political discourse of today.

"Clownfucker", as the name suggests, is a political and erotic thriller, a philosophical and fibromuscular tubular tract that Snedwick uses to penetrate the vagina of cultural modernity, work its way through cervical resistance and unblock the neuter uterus of morality, decency and popular taste.

From Here to Internity

Of course, today's metaphorical clown requires an intern, or better still, two interns, who ironically take it in turns, so to speak, to caress and pull him through his anti-hero's journey.

In Snedwick's capable hands (and, indeed, their own), Alice and Traci are today's equivalent of the aptly named Mona and Fiona of Richard Condon's "The Vertical Smile", an hilarious novel and precursor to "Clownfucker", which I can't recommend highly enough.

The Pubic Yearning of Erotica

In the political satire "The Public Burning", Robert Coover, like Dylan, damns Richard Nixon and the culture of corruption that surrounded him.

I can think of no greater compliment to pay "Clownfucker" than to say that Snedwick's genius is to add to Robert Coover's important work the pubic yearning of various sordid private enterprises.

All the Presidents' Mien

However, just as much as Coover, Snedwick's work reveals what really goes down in public office (not to mention public offices and orifices).

And it didn't stop with Tricky Dicky.

Ultimately, Snedwick's contribution to literature is that it adds a little comic Pecker (or a comic little Pecker) to the earnestness of Woodward and Bernstein, with some vital help from the Deep Throats of Alice and Traci.

[Manny · Rating 3 out of 5]

This delirious short novel, which in places could easily have been written by the late, great John Sladek, ambitiously sets out to satirize everything. I must in all honesty warn that it only partially succeeds, though it does manage to hit targets as diverse as conspiracy theories, shlock erotica, the military-industrial complex, significance testing in academic papers, clowns, DARPA, novelty foods, social networks, the startup culture, sleeping with your boss and Karen Brissette's cleavage. Oh, and there are some references to chess too. But it's definitely not everything.

[mark monday · Rating 3 out of 5]

clownfucker is a sloppy mess. or a sloppy french kiss with a political wingnut - a kiss with too much tongue & saliva, one where you have to wipe your mouth afterwards because your face is all wet. which is fine, because i like sloppy messes and i have no problem with those kinds of kisses. life is for living!

this mess has it all: conspiracy theories, clown sex with 3 different clowns, lectures on the evils of capitalism, peppermint up the ass, lectures on the evils of corporatization, mandatory dildos for workers, karen brisette, a study guide at the end (yep), porn stars vs. clowns, birds vs. dogs, transcripts from emails & social networking sites, magnetic potato chips, more conspiracy theories, more evil corporate types, and of course the evil of Homeland Security. all that in one novella? yes, yes indeed. kudos!

what does it need? MORE SEX. fortunately this is apparently only the first in a series, so i feel this issue can be easily resolved.

i've used this image before, but it seems particularly apropos:

[Ruby Tombstone Lives! · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you're going to go with a clown-based-introductory-statistical-analysis-meets-vague-american-conspiracy-theory-porn-parody (yes THAT old chestnut), you could do worse than this book. Clownfucker has the distinction of being the first porn novella I have read with both footnotes and a classroom study guide, something that I hope will be picked up by other writers in genre. When there are some.

This book also provided me with a once-in-a-lifetime experience: Getting my very first iPhone FaceTime request.....from 50 of my closest friends at an interstate wedding party.... only to have to decline on the basis that "I am currently in my pyjamas reading clown porn".

There was something vaguely unsettling about the circus owner character, Karen, too. Sexy, but vaguely unsettling.

At the very least, the book gives a whole new meaning to my shelf: "can't-sleep-clown-will-eat-me". And that has to be a good thing.

[smetchie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I used to hate clowns. Because of how creepy they are. That was before I read this book and learned that they're all social activists and romantic individualists with big cocks and voracious sexual appetites akin to a Tom Robbins male lead!

[The Crimson Fucker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Omg! It’s so horribly bad! That’s its awesome! This is the worst sex story I’ve ever read on my god damn life!!! EVER!!!!!!! But its bad as The Penetrator is the worst action story I’ve ever read in my life!!! I mean fuck!!! Check this out!

Sir Johnny plunged his face between them, and as he did, she untied the string
at the back of his baggy suit. He sucked at one of her nipples (left) as she fumbled to undo his ruffled
collar.


There! You know what I mean!!! When I read that all I could think was “damn! This dude never wrote any porn in his life! hell! I’m sure this dude don’t even watch porn!!! Who tells the audience what nipple the dude it’s sucking on when he deep drives into some boobs!? Omg!!!


I feel like quoting the entire sex scene from this book here!!! But that will ruin the fun for others!!! And I only ruin the fun for people I don’t like! Like esteban!


Then it gets deep! No pun intended! I can see that the author of this one is just using the erotica books as a medium! Clowns are usually seen as something silly! And something you don’t take seriously… (except me! They fucking freak the shit out of me!) still! This book is way more than just an erotic book! It got it all! From government conspiracies to uh, eh! More government conspiracies!!!!!

[Pareyeah Myxios]

Salo

Delirium pabulum snip snap sup on Jill swayed up the hill and Pierrot came whumpily after. Novellina likes her candy sticks and lickety-splits all themed and striped and runny gooey sly-me punny, and ars eccezionale acracktion, latin and blues, rock me jazz me jitterbug hues.

Sats on it Iris was plugged a many, some witiful and others pitiful and appearances plentiful of cracksters known and whored by adulation, pawns and pornifiants bellicozening The House of Target and the Maison de La Muratori and some whoooaaarrrr Big! Tops!

Con aspires for hire and higher, racy, crazy Hyper-theses: Demos Eros Lesbos Homos interswipejungled, Harrup two three four HUP UNO DUE TROIS for building me bigger arms I meant, new clears and old fears, and wander wonder why a Harley Quinn afrights you? Out sauced pharms of tested beds and peeredviews du jour notall is what results are semening. But keeps you reading titillated feeding a hump back whale or two, oui? Et on y va allors, ce socialisme netted and worked, c'est magnifique, a ho mage (sauber slit fetch a fellow tits'n'ass io?) to Kulltchja upwardly mobile ladder bedding a Chef (bronchial cough) and strokes of a strategic pleasure cheeked in the tongue of a plebius Kantellwick.

[Natasha]

yesssssssssss

[Allan Caplan · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title of this book is "Clownfucker", what do you expect it to be?

This book isn't high fiction, won't win any Pulitzer prizes (sorry Snedwick). But it wasn't all that bad. If you were to take a light porno and adapt it to a novelization, I think you'd end up with something like Clownfucker.