Eating the Elephant by Alice Wells

by Alice Wells

At first glance, Alice Wells and her young children seem to be an ordinary family grieving the death of a father and husband in a tragic car accident. In reality, her story offers the reader a rarely told perspective – a mother’s account of the impact of a husband’s devastating addiction to internet child pornography and how this dark world reached right into the heart of her own home.But Alice’s story is about so much more than the impact of sexual abuse. This is not a depressing book. This a fascinating and insightful journey.As a doctor, as well as a wife and a mother, Alice eloquently and intelligently tackles her own complex feelings of bereavement – mourning a man she loved and set up a life with, while slowly having to reconcile herself to the unfolding knowledge of his hidden life as a paedophile. At the centre of Alice’s story lies the wise question that helped her through it How do you eat an elephant? How do you face and break down the unthinkable, the insurmountable.And so piece by piece she explores the emotions, the practicalities, the accusations from other parents, the guilt, misplaced feelings of responsibility and the difficulty of finding anyone else who might begin to understand the unspeakably taboo world she now inhabits.Yet through all of this shines her deep love for her children, her optimism, her belief in recovery and her focus on a bright future for them as a family and as healthy, happy, balanced individuals.Despite the rise of extreme internet pornography in this internet-centric, international society and the resulting abuse of children, few are brave enough to talk about the fallout. Alice discovered there is little in place to help the young victims and the adults caring for them to adequately deal with it. But by speaking about these issues – by shining a light into dark places, maybe things can change…

Genres: Nonfiction, Biography, True Crime, Memoir, Autobiography

Hardcover

First published July 14, 2016

Reviews

[Chris Hunt · Rating 2 out of 5]

The subject matter is quite horrific and it is an insight into how a family could survive such an ordeal. However, I did wonder half way through where the book was going as all the main elements seem to have been dealt with. It turned out to be a bit long winded and flat.

[Kim freeman · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book disappointed. The mother Alice is so full of self pity you end forgetting her child has been abused in the most perverted way by her own father. I could not connect with the mothers words or feelings, instead ended up resenting her obsession with herself. She writes of feelings of "love" for her abusive husband which I find totally incomprehensible in the circumstances. The book is too much about her and her career and not enough focus on the nitty gritty. On page 173 she writes."people are the product of their genes ( wrong on every level) their environment and all that life has thrown at them. And sometimes I can even forgive him" this actually took my breath away. Her husband forced their four year old child to perform oral sex and she forgives him? It made me sick to the stomach and I felt no connection or sympathy for this woman. The book is repedative and lacks empathy for her poor child. It was also very obvious to me that his death was suicide and she must of known this, you would be crazy not to. At least the insurance paid out. A sad book that in my opinion just lacked humanity, sorrow and empathy.

[Liz Robson · Rating 1 out of 5]

I've read this book almost to the last chapter and don't feel like continuing. From what I understand this about an intelligent woman who thinks very highly of herself and her abilities. Only to discover that her husband has been more 'clever' than she! Covering up his abuse of their daughter, which she continues to mention throughout as an excuse for her own inability to take what life throws at you!
She also has a son named Thomas who is rarely mentioned. I think this is just about the writers inability to get on with life! Children a VERY pliable and the younger they are the sooner they get over the 'bad' bits....BUT...If you have a mother that keeps trying to drag you back down there, it won't get any better. I was sad to read that she couldn't attend some counselling sessions because other people who were beneath her 'status' might see her there! All in all I'd say this book is another money making project,

[Edith Wakeham · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have put this book down as i cannot read anymore....i got a quarter of the way through it and was already angered by this womans responses and feelings towards her husband and her own loss...i did not read one single sympathetic word towards her children and the way they felt about the death of their father......all i read was a woman engulfed in naevity, ignorance and possibly even the fact that she actually had many signs as to what was going on but she chose to ignore it as she sounded like she was putting her husband on a pedastal no matter what he did....the decision for me was that her little girl asked her if little girls drank from boys bottoms and instead of getting to the root of it she blatantly told her daughter that we dont speak of these things and told her to never mention it again.....i mean i know we all handle things differently but i just feel that this book hides a lot of truth for me and just doesnt sit well with my gut with the author making it seem like she was totally unknowing.....i also didnt like the way she said she still has one of his t shirts she likes to remember him by.....sorry but he was a peadophile and even abused their own children.....what kind of a mother still mourns his loss and keeps a tshirt to fondly remember him.....sorry.....she just doesnt sit right with me

[Jo Quinnie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hard to read had to keep putting it down to wipe my eyes from the tears. How the woman still loved the man that destroyed her child is beyond me. If my child had been subjected to that I would be doing a dance on his grave not grieving for him.

[Hollie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Tedious. Very slow. Not a clear ending. Would not read again.

[Hannah May · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended and lent to me by a friend who works in a team whose job it is to catch pedophiles and identify and protect victims. It's an interesting, vital, but tough role to do, especially as prepatrators and prevalence are increasing at an alarming rate as access becomes easier due to technological advances.

It is something I have always been intrigued by: how do to you come to terms with finding out the love of your life, the father of your children is a depraved predator who is sexually gratified by children? How do you balance the person you thought you knew and the life changing revelations of who they secretly were?

This book goes through a woman's real life experiences as she grieves the man she married, the loving father, brother, son and tries to cope with the emerging facts that he was involved in online child pornography rings and not only that but the girls he likes to look at are the same age as your daughter. Alice now has to deal with trying to coax what happened out of her very young daughter with delicacy and understanding, her age and the grooming making it more challenging, and not wanting to traumatise/damage her daughter more than she already is, it is not an easy job. A job no one is prepared for a there is very little support on the right way to do it.

This is a unique memoir. Giving you an insight into the process of grieving. The "eating an elephant" metaphor that punctuates the stages Alice goes through cleverly helps to explain how she felt and how she coped. It also gives you facts about how elephants grieve, which was unexpected but lovely to see how these creatures care for their loved ones even in death, a rareity in the animal kingdom.

A warning, as you will be expecting due to the nature of the subject of the book, there is some depiction of what was said and done to the daughter (and others). It is not too graphic, and the author doesn't dwell on it too much, but I am aware that everyone's tolerance of distressing imagery is different. Also, a warning for death by car crash.

[Anna Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the best written book I have read in a long time regarding paedophiles, and how devious, and charming they are. I admire this woman and 'no' she never suspected her loving husband, and father. People often say 'One must know'. I can assure you from personal experience they do not. They manipulate, frighten, and scare you into keeping 'secrets'. They threaten you with specific words that police do not take serious. The victim remains a victim, living in a state of terror all their lives. When you get the courage to tell the police who should help you. They protect the paedophile under the confidentiality act in the UK, while the victim remains terrified in her home. Her daughter who was abused by her father, and this brave intelligent lady took to listening to music, and writing. Sometimes writing/music is all that some of us have. It is such a sad fact that in 2019 these awful crimes continue while police, and those who should help turn a 'blind' eye. It is so hard getting people to believe you in the first place, then you make your heart breaking 'secret' to find out a year later when your life is threatened once again, that the detective who got you to relieve your 'secret' had never filed it, or done nothing. Something needs to change and very soon. Yes, there are all the great 'help' places to phone, they do not want to help when you tell them what has happened with the police. One must keep fighting. Alice Wells and her daughter Grace are both a hero. I recommend this book 100% It took me longer than normal to read this as I was ill.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the story of how Alice Wells lost her husband in a car accident and discovered that he was a paedophile all in the same day, later finding that he had abused their daughter. It's also the story of how she dealt with the situation. Although their marriage had had its problems, she had truly loved him - enough to move continents, as she puts it, with her moving from the UK to the USA. Imagine the horror of finding that your loved one had such a monstrous side about which you knew nothing and the guilt you would feel - that really would be an elephant in the room! Imagine also the loneliness of finding that no one else can fully understand the conflicting emotions that you and your children feel. Alice Wells does a powerful job of helping you to understand. I must admit that I didn't always "get" the bits about eating the elephant that are interspersed at intervals throughout the book - maybe I'm just too fond of elephants?
This book is well worth reading, not least for the insight it gives into how this type of abuse can happen.

[Vi Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

To say I enjoyed this book would be inappropriate however it is a very compelling read. The true story of a young doctor who discovers that her husband is a paedophile on the day he dies in a car accident. However, that is only the beginning of her troubles. There are those who will say that she must have known or at least had an idea but as the story evolves it demonstrates just how easy it is not to know especially with internet porn as gone are the days of seedy men hanging around parks and schools. In this day I believe we are divided into two groups; those who can use a computer and those who really understand computers and the way they work and I think the latter group would have little trouble concealing what they're really up to from us mere users.

A very worthy book but not the easiest of reads and one that will stay with you for a long time.

[christine newton · Rating 5 out of 5]

a true harrowing story of a professional woman who didn't know her husband was a paedophile.
what she endured and what her daughter endured are uncalled for and will have everlasting effects on them for the rest of their lives.
The daughter was so innocent and to have that innocence betrayed by the person she loved is heart wrenching.
I read this book in 3 days as it is compulsive reading.
Alice Wells deserves an award for her writing

[Andra Enache · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book seems more like a diary of the main character, sharing her story openly. It has little structure, however, I don't believe this is where its value stands. I loved this book because it touches on such an important, yet rarely discussed, topic: pornography and child abuse. The way she tells her story feels more like listening to a friend, so real and so personal. It's a great book to read, however, it can get hard to digest so allow yourself to feel it.

[Meghan Budd · Rating 3 out of 5]

What a sad story, quite an ordeal for this family. I was gripped by it immediately and kept looking for it to get better in terms of the circumstances of this family. It got very clinical at some points and at points I thought things would turn and go a different way. A very hard subject matter, a strong family. I don't know that I'd recommend it to others but it was very well written.

[Rebecca clatworthy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heart breaking and eye opening all at the same time.

once started to read this book i needed to finish it. This is book takes you on a journey of unspoken taboo of the dark web-the effects it has on the family that didn't ask nor wish to be involved. Secrets guilt and love. Brilliant.

[Vicki · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe 3.5. Something about this memoir was just flat to me. I can't put my finger on it. Horrific story and experience for this author for sure! But it felt more like a journal entry than a true memoir.

[Michelle See · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow!
Thanks to Alice in her bravery interlaced with fear, love, hesitancy & a myriad of other emotions to write her story.
She shows just how little we can possibly know the contents of another’s heart & soul.

[Shona E Watson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heart breaking. A story of a journey no person should travel.

I think of the elephant often.,and hope you find your bookshop!
This is a must read book to educate others in such an awful subject.

[Jasmin · Rating 4 out of 5]

An emotional yet eye opening account of this brave woman's experience, I felt for her and everything she has been through and thought the analogy of the elephant was clever and helped the reader understand how she was trying to cope with everything and move on.

[Kaz M · Rating 5 out of 5]

You just never really know anyone totally do you? What a shocking but very honest read. It must have been excruciatingly difficult for her to endure this, let alone write about it, but I’m glad she did. Much love for the author and her family x

[Alison · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book sometime back as it was a recommended reading for my role. When I started reading again I wasn’t sure if I could finish it but I’m glad I did as it is so well written clearly describing the trauma the family suffered. Thought provoking.

[Nadia · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very dark topic, and a very easy read. Most of the main parts seemed to be covered very quickly, so the last quarter of the book doesn't cover much. At the end, she doesn't seem to express the hatred for her husband that one would expect; makes it hard to like her. Worth a read.

[Nicola Fallon · Rating 5 out of 5]

amazing

wow... what a gripping, honest and heartbreaking read. I couldn't put it down yet found hard to read at times

[Pat · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very sad and chilling account of a wife slowly finding out that her husband was not the man she thought he was.
Her fight to gain her life back for herself and her children was inspirational.

[MJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Harrowing.

[Sedona Mcnally · Rating 3 out of 5]

Grim content but I admire the writer for telling her story. Fast paced to begin with, the story slows down somewhat over the final few chapters but nevertheless is a brave book

[Diane Bartlett · Rating 3 out of 5]

Spoiler alert

[Sadie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fab true read, kept me on the edge of my seat.

[Jade Currie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic

i was Recommend this from a friend. Not my usual read but I couldn't put it down! Great book to read

[Hannah · Rating 1 out of 5]

Draining

[Kylena Rostronsmith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreakingly Good. It was a brilliant read. Cried so much