The Strong-Willed Child: Birth Through Adolescence

by James C. Dobson

A professor of pediatrics discusses the special methods needed for dealing with strong-willed children and their problems such as hyperactivity, sibling rivalry and lack of self-esteem

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Christian, Psychology, Religion, Christianity

240 pages, Hardcover

First published February 1, 1978

About the author

A licensed psychologist and marriage, family, and child counselor, Dr. James Dobson was a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. For 14 years Dr. Dobson was an associate clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern California School of Medicine, and he served for 17 years on the attending staff of Children's Hospital Los Angeles in the Division of Child Development and Medical Genetics. He earned a Ph.D. from the University of Southern California (1967) in the field of child development.

He was the author of more than 50 books, including The New Dare to Discipline, The New Strong-Willed Child, When God Doesn't Make Sense, Night Light: A Devotional for Couples, Bringing Up Boys, and the New York Times bestseller Bringing Up Girls .

Heavily involved in influencing governmental policies related to the family, Dr. Dobson was appointed by President Ronald Reagan to the National Advisory Commission to the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. He also served on the Attorney General's Advisory Board on Missing and Exploited Children, the Department of Health and Human Services' Panel on Teen Pregnancy Prevention, and the Commission on Child and Family Welfare. He was elected in 2008 to the National Radio Hall of Fame, and in 2009 received the Ronald Reagan Lifetime Achievement Award.

Reviews

[Julie · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is vomit in word form. I feel sad for all the spirited children whose parents take this book as scripture.

[Andrea · Rating 1 out of 5]

worst parenting book ever! I would rate it at 0 stars if I could.

This book is not about helping your child to develop any sense of internal discipline at all, merely about how to beat your child in a battle of wills.

The author even advocates smacking a child! This is illegal in my country and all the scientific research backs up how wrong this is. It teaches children that violence and intimidation are OK. It is known even to lower IQs I am shocked how backward and unenlightened this author is.

Words can not convey what a truly awful parenting method this is, which is an easy road admitedly, but with disastrous long term effects. Normally I can not ever throw a book out, but I couldn't bring myself to inflict this on any child so it goes straight in the recycling bin. I'm totally disgusted with it.

If you want a good book on parenting strong willed children, check out instead anything by Howard Glasser, particularly "transforming the difficult child: the nurtured heart approach".

[Mark · Rating 3 out of 5]

I pulled our old copy of this book off the shelves because I was looking for some guidance for dealing with our youngest, who is about a year and a half old. Although I think the general approach to discipline he advocates is quite sound, I was hoping to find more specifics for dealing with children at that young age. Sadly, kids that young are really not the focus of the book.

It is interesting to see the range of reviews in this book. Many of the very negative ones seem to come from two sources:

- People who are vehemently opposed to any form for corporal punishment; These will, of course, not approve of Dobson's belief that it is appropriate in some circumstances. Dobson repeatedly emphasizes the need for fairness, clear expectations, moderation, appropriateness, and parental self-control when giving such punishment. He also continually drives home the fact that all such punishment must be within the framework of total love where a child always feels worthwhile, cared for, and safe. But there are many who equate physical punishment and child abuse, and all rational thought stops once they hear about spanking.

- People who disagree with Dr. Dobson because he is a Christian, or a conservative, or because he doesn't think homosexual behavior is healthy and must be promoted and affirmed; These people want to disagree with whatever else he says.

It is interesting, really, because he spends some time discussing Dr. Spock in this book. Dr. Spock wrote a very influential book on child-rearing back in the '50's. At the time of Dobson's book (the '70's), Spock was criticized by many for being too permissive, and encouraging parents to not be stern enough with their children. Dobson notes that many of Spock's critics were really mad at him (Dr. Spock) because he opposed the U.S.'s involvement in the Vietnam war and therefore they misrepresented what Dr. Spock wrote. Things have come full circle. Now Dr. Dobson is being accused of being too harsh, but you can often see their complaints are really not because of what he wrote in this book. It is obvious that some of his detractors are actually angry with him for opposing abortion, or divorce, or homosexual behavior, or some other pet cause they may have.

[Cole Ramirez · Rating 5 out of 5]

I glanced through some of the reviews before reading this and am wondering if many of the 1-star reviewers actually read the book. Yes, Dr. Dobson advocates for spanking (as do most Christian traditional parenting authors), but to me he SO CLEARLY laid out that corporal punishment (or any punishment, for that matter) need be balanced with a powerful, unconditional, and steady LOVE for our children. How did the negative reviewers miss that?

I borrowed my mom's copy of this book, which she presumably read and marked up when I myself was a strong willed child. How interesting to see the parts that stuck out to her and that shaped her parenting! (For the record, she spanked, and I have never questioned her love).

I think the title is a bit misleading - there wasn't really anything that particularly applied to strong willed children in this book. It's application is for ALL children (aren't they all strong willed at some point or another?), not specifically those who are stubborn or rebellious in nature.

His tone and some of the stories he chose weren't my favorite, but the advice is so solid - the clear message to both love and guide your children - that I couldn't help but give it 5 stars.

[rachel · Rating 1 out of 5]

You will be blinded if you don't obey your parents.

[Jodi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book sums up my daughter to a "t!" She was a firecracker before birth and at 13, she is still my firecracker. On the back of the book, Dobson has written,"....there are others who seem to be looking for a fight upon exit from the womb. Such a child comes into the world smoking a cigar and barking orders in the delivery room." Yep! That's my girl! I have been told strong-willed children can learn to become great leaders and my answer is always that I hope my daughter uses her abilities for good and not for evil!! Shaping her will has been tough, but I work at it daily. From the time she was born until now, I have spent many days exhausted and I don't need comments from people who have only dealt with my compliant children (my 11 year old boy is such a child) - until you have parented a strong-will child, you don't know what it is like! Let me back up a bit, I was always everyone's favorite babysitter in high school and was good with children. I went to college to become an elementary school and always had good classroom management. I always just thought it was my talent with children until I met my daughter. I have eaten a lot of humble pie in parenting her, and I now realize that children come with their own agenda and ideas. This doesn't mean that these children can be allowed to be brats or hurt others. It simply means their parents have to work harder to raise them from "cave people" into civilized beings who can live in polite society. I am now more patient when I see kids misbehaving in public with tired parents - sure, some may be bad parents, but they may also be tired parents dealing with a strong-willed child and I try to give them the grace and help I wish I had received more often when I was in a similar situation. I'll forage ahead and there are days I see a wonderful person beginning to emerge behind her eyes. Until she is grown (and even then) I will continue to pray for her to be a happy, healthy, contributing member of society! Thanks Dobson! I wish I had picked up your book sooner!!

[Kris · Rating 1 out of 5]

I've never been a huge James Dobson or Focus on the Family fan (though my Dad is), but I thought this deserved a chance. I only got through the first chapters. I hated the mentality of children being trained like animals and forcing your child to bend their wills to yours. This was originally written in the 70s but it had a 50s mentality. Maybe the updated editions are better, but I couldn't stomach what I did read. Thanks for your ideas, but I think I'm in a happier place. Or maybe I just don't have your kind of kid. Or maybe... I'll stop. I don't need to be insulting.

[Katharine · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I'm not a huge fan of Dobson's tone and anecdotes, his content was very helpful. He promotes understanding when a child is willfully disobeying you versus just being a distracted, excitable kid. You discipline in the former situation and try to instruct/teach in the later. And while "discipline" includes corporal punishment, it's certainly not limited to that.

I especially appreciated how he addressed the fact that you want to train your child to respect authority without crushing his or her spirit.

All in all, I'd definitely recommend this book, even if you don't have a "strong-willed" child.

I didn't realize there was an updated version of the book until I finished it. I guess that negates my observation that too much space was devoted to debunking other parenting philosophies that seemed outdated.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

There was only a handful of information in here that is useful for me right now, but it was good information that helped me re-evaluate how I discipline and how I could improve for it to be more effective for my strong-willed child. I liked how he presented his suggestions and advice in a light and readable manner. And what I also really liked about this book was how Dr. Dobson discussed and criticized some popular views out there (like not spanking and parenting only by negotiation/explanation, etc.). He does it much more eloquently than I could, so I'm definitely saving that information for whenever I might need to use it in a discussion or debate!

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book straight up condones child abuse. One should be alerted to a red flag reading the intro in which he finds beating his dog “into submission” just a barrel of laughs. If I sound bitter, I am. Please don’t subject your child to this book.

[Roberto Jara · Rating 1 out of 5]

Horrible book by an even more horrible human being. I regret that I ever read this book and used it to raise my kids. Stay away from this crap unless you want to ruin your children for life!

[Priscilla King · Rating 3 out of 5]

I trust Dobson's insights when it comes to managing strong-willed extrovert children, whose personalities have much in common with dogs', in the way you'd handle dogs. He meant well and apparently did well with the ideas he explains here. The problem is that he seems to know absolutely nothing about managing strong-willed introvert children, whose personalities are more like cats'. In other words he offers strategies that might be useful if I were forced to spend a lot of time with the sort of child I would not be willing to adopt, but counterproductive if directed toward the sort of child I'd want to adopt. This book is highly rated by extroverts for extroverts who are trying to bring up extroverts. I only wish the editors had reminded these people that "extroverts" is not the same thing as "people," that real extroverts aren't even a majority of humankind. One full star off for the assumption that all or most families include even one extrovert.

(Note: I have a copy of this book. It is for sale. Like all the books I have for sale, it's either not formed visible mildew or had visible mildew scrubbed off with bleach, but it's in a moldy part of the world so let the buyer beware. When I sell books online I order clean copies from Amazon; when I sell them in real life people can see what they're getting. When I've tried to add "when and where bought" information to this page, the system messes up my read dates--won't do that again!)

[Immerito · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dobson, a 200 pound man, brags about beating a 12 pound Dachshund with his belt.

Why? Because the dog wanted to sleep next to a heater instead of going to Dobson's bedroom.

Don't get parenting advice from people who abuse animals.

“I had seen this defiant mood before,” Dobson explained in the first chapter of his 1978 book, The Strong-Willed Child.

“There was only one way to deal with it. The only way to make Siggie obey is to threaten him with destruction. Nothing else works. I turned and went to my closet and got a small belt to help me ‘reason’ with Mr. Freud.”

***

“I hit him again and he tried to bite me . . . That tiny dog and I had the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast. I fought him up one wall and down the other, with both of us scratching and clawing and growling and swinging the belt.”

Finally Siggie backed himself into a corner and snarled at the belt-wielding child psychologist. It was to be the little dog’s last stand. “I eventually got him to bed,” Dobson writes, “but only because I outweighed him 200 to 12!”

The next night when Dobson ordered the family pet into his nighttime enclosure, Mr. Freud went “in perfect submission.”

Two-hundred-pound man with belt wins. Twelve-pound dog loses.

[Jambean8 · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read it as a teacher, not a parent, because it was a free copy and thought I could convert some advice to my situation. Supposedly the 2005 update is more relevant for teachers. He mentions in this version of a future book for teachers. I can't seem to find one anywhere, so maybe he just stuck with parenting and added something to the newer version.
Many reviews of this book are negative because of his advocacy of corporal punishment, which is blanketedly described as child abuse, but what I read was just the opposite of abusive. Definitely not insights I'm taught in the teaching profession, which is more concerned with not getting sued than actually helping create a healthy environment in a classroom. As someone not a parent, I'll have to let that controversy rest, but as a teacher, I do know that neither authoritarianism nor permissiveness works. There has to be a balance.

[Owm · Rating 4 out of 5]

First, ending with Siggie was a bit weird for me...all else aside ..

Well written and very relevant today in a society which moral values have declined and funneled into the gutter. It's not very controversial for those who studied Childhood Development and have actual experience of watching children grow and develop.

I do understand why some people hate Dr. Dobson's writings. It's been almost half a century from its publication and we can see clearly how humanism substitution affected our society. We are also now aware (due to social media), how Godless nations treat human lives (and actually make enemies of them). Yet, at the same time, we want to emanate the lifestyles of Godless nations, without considering the societal effect to the future generations of our own nation.

We just have to look at the bigger picture, and make personal sacrifices be viewed with dignity once more.

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. It was largely common sense and since I didn’t read the updated version it was super out-dated examples so the application is kind of hit or miss. That’s not saying the examples were bad necessarily just not very compelling or easily translated to the 21st century. I didn’t like the layout of the book either - basically just a bunch of anecdotes and then a q&a portion at the end of most chapters. I wasn’t really moved or changed by the material. My big take away is “You can break the rebellious and counter-productive will of a child just as long as you don’t break his/her spirit - the essence of who they are and how they are uniquely wired” seems reasonable enough!

[Alexa · Rating 2 out of 5]

Rating 2 stars merely because I would not recommend this edition to other young parents. It’s not even being published anymore, likely because so much has changed since this edition was written in the 1970s.

If you pick up this edition by chance, it is worth the read, but take some of the data presented with a grain of salt. So much has changed since the 70s… obstetrical health and data, mental health awareness, social issues, technology development, etc. However, there is also timeless parenting advice in this book. My strong suggestion, if you are able, would be to skip this edition and try to get your hands on “The New Strong-Willed Child” instead.

[Tatiana Haynam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I truly think every parent should read this book - not just those of strong-willed children. As Dobson himself states, we are all strong-willed at the depths of our heart (in some way or another) so I fully believe this book will enlighten any parent who reads it.

Do I agree with everything he suggests? Of course not. To take this book as the Bible would be foolish. But to toss it aside and call it “a handbook for abuse” is FAR more foolish and shows a lack of emotional maturity.

I have gleaned so much from this book and knowing my own children, it has helped me see what MY children could benefit from as far as discipline and love.

[Kari Shepherd · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read the old version of this book so I don't know what has been updated. I was apprehensive going into it as I have heard mixed reviews. I will say that a few of the stories/ways he talks about things are somewhat abrasive. I don't agree with everything. However, there was a lot of content that was helpful to me in evaluating what discipline is appropriate in what circumstance. I think if you can look past the old fashioned outlook, take the good stuff and ignore what doesn't sit well, there is a lot of gold to be found.

[Hannah Barnhart · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’ve heard of lots of people strongly opposing this book. I can’t imagine why. I didn’t read anything that was morally wrong with what he had to say. The book is very dated but I feel that most of the principles are solid. He seems to truly care about raising a child well and not crushing their spirits. I will take some of the things he said to heart and others won’t be a good fit. I definitely don’t think he’s evil or that the book is wrong. I just thought it was a little long winded toward the end. Overall it’s worth reading at least once.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not only was The Strong-Willed Child an extremely enlightening, encouraging read, it brought up excellent points for consideration for the Christian parent.

With the Bible as a backing, Dr. Dobson conveys sound logic and is very reasonable with his suggestions that include how to approach difficult topics, addressing behavior problems, and handling not just your average strong-willed toddler but also difficult preteens and teenagers.

Highly recommend this book to Christian parents wishing to raise their child in a Biblical way.

[Don · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am a 37 year old parent who barely speaks to my own parents. I recalled finding this book as a child, and it breaking my heart. I was trying so hard to do what I thought was right, but I'm a problem?

Much later in life, I was reminded and picked this up. It will likely be enjoyed by those who wish to beat, traumatize, and push their children away from Christianity. It answered a lot of questions about how I was treated as a child, at least.

The TLDR is that this psychopath encourages you to view children as property, and that it's okay to do whatever you want with your property.

[Carolyn Burnam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book way back when my now, grown daughter was young and very strong willed (almost an understatement). Gave me some great insight and help, tho at times I wanted to send my daughter to Dr. Dobson as I was willing to bet he would write a whole new book. She was a challenging child and teenager to say the least!! I know there is "The New Strong-Willed Child"... might should buy this for her to read when she has children!!

[Queenie Lam · Rating 1 out of 5]

Antiquated approach to parenting. Book is full of verbose stories referencing the bible and is often repetitive. Takeaways and lessons are helpful and reflective of other parenting books, but takes a while to get to the main lessons due to the many stories and anecdotes sprinkled in the text. Question and answer parts of the chapters are helpful in exploring potential questions that the reader may have, but contain many long anecdotes before answering the question.

[Will Hearn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good ideas and solid instruction. Could’ve been trimmed down to half this length. Not for anyone who is into passive parenting (or maybe it’s exactly for them) or believes children don’t need actual discipline (aka structure and clearly defined boundaries). His constant use of the Bible as his reference point for reasoning and citation kind of turned me off after the 35th time. Some science or human studies would’ve buoyed me a little more.
Still, a pretty good guide.

[Kristen Gebbia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent reminder to me that a strong willed child tests the boundaries often because boundaries = love to them. By enforcing a boundary I'm expressing love to my child.
Also good was the recommendation that spankings be reserved for outright rebellion. Offenses that aren't done out of pure defiance merit more creative punishments.

[Andrea Miller · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is very outdated. The author clearly grew up in the era where men rolled the word and women had a little voice. His main point is to smack the child which I do no agree with. My child has a discipline problem because she has ADHD. She cannot control herself or her emotions. I was hoping this book would help me with that but like I said, it is outdated.

[Ayibatari Ogounga · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very good book I think .I would have to read other books on the topic of children to grasp concepts properly Though. One thing I took away is "don't smile with your students till spring"..something like that.

[Rachel Strange · Rating 3 out of 5]

Due to the controversial nature of this book, I feel compelled to write a review. Parts of this were silly, dated and full of poor exegesis . And some principles were actually helpful even if the example and stereotypes less so . 2.5

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

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