Parenting Under Fire: How to Communicate with Your Hurt, Angry, Rejecting, Distant Child

by Amy J.L. Baker, Paul R. Fine

Teaches parents of children of all ages who are hurt, angry, rejecting, and distant (HARD) how to effectively and empathically communicate through a variety of effective and empathic strategies.

Children who are hurt, angry, rejecting, and distant (HARD) can be challenging to parent. They can be rude, uncooperative, and disagreeable. They are hard to relate to or connect with, and they can appear to be hardened to the love and guidance of their parent. Whether hard children are caught in a loyalty conflict, are victims of parental alienation, or behaving this way for some other reason, their parents need help! Losing or feeling like you are about to lose a relationship with a beloved child, regardless of the cause, is one of the most painful scenarios a parent will ever experience. Such parents feel under fire! How to handle such children before relationships are further damaged is a question many parents have. Should the parent pick their battles or put their foot down? Should they pursue the child or let the child come to them?

This book provides parents of a hurt, angry, rejecting distant child the much needed guidance and support they need to connect with through to their children and repair relationships while opening the lines of communication. The book is divided into three sections, each focusing on a different form of communication. In the first section, the focus is on in-person communication and interactions, the second teaches parents the whys and hows of communicating via messages, and the final portion walks parents through the principles and mechanics of writing letters to an older hurt, angry, rejecting, distant child in an effort to bridge gaps and repair wounds. This book provides the reader with the science-based hope and inspiration they need as well as hundreds of practical suggestions about how to keep the communication loving, appropriate, and connected.

Genres: Parenting

247 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 15, 2023

About the author

I was born in Philly and went to college in at Bennington and then Barnard. I graduated from Teachers College Columbia University with a doctorate in Developmental Psychology. I am currently the director of research at the Fontana Center for Child Protection in New York City. I am the author or co-author of several books and close to a 100 publications. My areas of specialization include parent-child relationships, child abuse, psychological maltreatment, and parental alienation. I am an expert witness in court cases around the country and provide parenting coaching.

Reviews

[Tasha · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book serves a guide for parents of children who are presenting as hurt, angry, rejecting, and distant (HARD). First, I like the acronym because it's a not-so-subtle reminder that underneath a child's behaviors are some very real and tender feelings as well as a need to feel safe and secure. With that, the basic concepts of building attachment with a child are explained here.

I'm well into the parenting game, but the first chapters feel like the general parenting manual I never had. "Reflections" and "Considerations" sections help to break up the reading and draw your attention to really interact with the information. Moving on, strategies are shared to instill four parenting values that will help to prevent your child from getting hurt, angry, rejecting, and distant - forgiveness, compassion, integrity, and critical thinking. There are concrete strategies in here on how to build a positive and respectful relationship with your child. With the knowledge that everything can go sideways, there's also guidance for emotional regulation (ahem, both parents' and child's).

For the latter part of the book, there's a rather monumental shift that covers the landscape of strained or estranged parent-child relations. While my family is intact, I found this section incredibly helpful to help me process how I might approach and support complicated relationships as an adult.

I received an advance reader copy of this book to read in exchange for an honest review via Netgalley and the publishers.

[Tiffany · Rating 3 out of 5]

Majority of this book serves as a "template" for how to send texts, emails, letters, etc. It would have been nice to see more of an explanation as to why you should or shouldn't communicate in certain ways. Since I have read many of Dr. Baker's books before, I feel like I am knowledgeable enough to understand; However, the average reader may not.

[WickedReads221b · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thanks Netgalley for the eARC in exchange for an honest reivew!

I think this book will be helpful for parents who are just starting to do research into this topic, I felt much of this book was very beginner friendly. It was not super helpful for me personally, it was a little too surface level for me.