Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating

The Rules

by Ellen Fein, Sherrie Schneider

The authors behind the ubiquitous dating bible that launched a worldwide movement are back, accompanied by their daughters, with brand new advice updated for the modern era.

How long should I wait to respond to his text message? Can I friend him on Facebook? Why did he ask for my number but never call me?

When The Rules was published in 1995, its message was be mysterious. But for women looking for love today, it's not quite so simple. In a world of instant messaging, location check-ins, and status updates, where hook-ups have become the norm and formal one-on-one dates seem a thing of the past, it's difficult to retain the air of mystery that keeps men interested.

Now, with help from their daughters, the original Rules Girls Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider share their thoroughly modern, fresh take on dating that will help women in today's information age create the happy love lives they want and deserve. Whether you're a 20-something dating for the first time, a 30-something tired of being single, a 40-something giving advice to your daughter, or a 50-something getting back in the dating game, this book has the answers you've been waiting for. The Rules

Providing the dos and don'ts you need to stop making mistakes and start finding romance, Not Your Mother's Rules will revolutionize dating today just as The Rules did nearly 20 years ago!

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Love, Psychology, Chick Lit

272 pages, Paperback

First published January 8, 2013

Reviews

[Kim · Rating 1 out of 5]

This books is ridiculous and offensive. It's 2013! Waiting 4 hours to text someone back, not approaching him first, wearing revealing clothing and 4 inch heels...if women approached dating that way we'd all be with assholes who only care about looks and playing the game. Be comfortable with who you are, have fun and if he's not interested there's plenty of others out there who will be.

[Arielle · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a really great book to read if you're interested in things such as: setting feminism back a few decades, feeling bad about yourself because there are morons out there making far more money than you, reading poorly constructed sentences and bad grammar, learning to be the most manipulative and insane version of yourself, doubting your life choices, questioning the intelligence of the friends who recommended this book to you, indoctrinating yourself with the idea that no matter what you've accomplished in life you're worthless without a husband, or generally constructing for yourself a mental prison with completely asinine rules from which you are apparently never allowed to escape.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

So, I have a confession to make. I love reading relationship books. Since the "perfect" relationship continues to allude me, I'm always searching for some tips. I enjoyed the first edition of The Rules so I was pretty confident that I would like this one. I think this one is better because in addition to giving dating tips it also focuses on self-worth tips. I love the premise of letting things happen and not making things happen. While it can be lonely at times and take a ridiculous amount of discipline to not text or call first, I found these tips helpful in guarding my heart. I can't count how many times I've made relationships happen then when things don't work out after 2, 3 or 4 years, I look back in agony beating myself up for wasting my time. So if you are looking for some practical ways to be still and let things happen by weeding out those guys who aren't meant for you, then I highly recommend it. For those of you who feel like these types of books are silly, then you probably don't need them and will not find the information useful.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

There really isn't anything new here. The authors, Fein and Schneider, have written several books that all say the same thing: Don't be too easy. Men will treat you like a free hooker if you treat yourself like a free hooker. It's a tough message for both young women today, the primary target audience of this book, as well as older, professional women who are used to going after what they want and not waiting for a man to make all the moves. But that's the message, and it is uncomfortable, irritating, and true with some men. There is no research support for their frequent anecdotes, but there is a great deal of marketing for their rules-dating consultation business. Lastly, relating to the audio version of this book, what were they thinking bringing their daughters in to read? The authors' reading was tolerable enough, perhaps 3 stars. One daughter was only young and unprofessional. But the other daughter was incapable of enunciating clearly. It was horrible, waiting for her little reading to end so my torment could also end. Her reading is a glaring statement against the dangers of nepotism. However, with all my criticisms, which are sincere, I still will make sure my daughter reads this book before going to college. Many young men will not give young women respect; they must demand it. That is the strongest, best message of the book.

[Violet · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is the most ridiculous advice I've read about dating. I read this book mainly out of curiosity and I was not disappointed - I couldn't stop reading as it got more and more ridiculous. The whole idea that men won't be interested if the woman is too accessible - man/hunter, woman/prey - is pretty old-fashioned and I really hope I am right in thinking that a relationship can work if the woman dares making the first move or texting back within ten minutes instead of waiting 3 hours!!! I found the whole chapter on appearance very judgemental as well. I get that you want to look good if you are going on a date, but really, a "uniform"? With hoop earrings being the most recommanded jewelry because it's sexy?? And hair longer than the shoulders ("get extensions if you have to")? Skirts have to be above the knee, or else wear skinny jeans? I would hope women who wear anything else than this have a chance as well. Guess if there are still single women out there, it must be because they text too soon or have forgotten to wear lip-gloss. And to straighten their hair as curly hair looks messy and men don't like it.
Anyway. Read this book if you want to feel angry, don't waste your time if you actually need the advice.

[Kori · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you are single, this book will make you want to fling yourself off a bridge. My advice? Save yourself the agony, drop the game playing, and focus on being a good person. This is craziness!

[Jessika · Rating 1 out of 5]

These women are basically saying that, in this new age world, you should be what the guy wants you to be, not yourself. This book was a joke. If you want real advice, ask people who care about you: your friends, family, and a male friend.

[Reena Singh · Rating 1 out of 5]

Some of these "rules" are common sense if you're not a stage 5 clinger. However, changing my looks ("men don't like curly hair") and personality is a terrible idea. And remaining passive in a relationship is a red flag.

[Laurie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! This is an amazing book, and ALL women who are dating today SHOULD READ THIS BOOK! The rules for dating have changed! Or, at least if you want a 'keeper' of a guy, or are looking for Mr. Right, they have certainly changed! Women, if you want to find that, this book is ESSENTIAL for you to read and follow these rules!
So what do we owe this NEW set of rules for dating to? Growing up with computers and having cell phones at our beck and call, plus ALL the social media sites we all belong to. There is also the ability of anyone, especially that new guy you just met, to know everything about you by reading it on the computer instead of talking to you, learning about each other face to face, and not on a computer screen.
Texting is huge, too, and people expect you to text them back immediately. If you don't, you are getting another text immediately after, asking if you received the previous one. In a way, almost ALL of your privacy today is gone, too. What about time to yourself? That is almost non-existent today, at least from what I see with my kids. Wait! Slash that! Young adults and adults!
I can say this because I did not grow up with all of this technology, and I can see it interfering with my own kids. Facebook, Twitter, Google+, ALL of the other Social Media sites fall prey to finding Mr. Right, too, and then when you think you might have found him, everything MUST change! You want to KEEP him, not drive him away, or sound like you are an easy catch. Some of the old-fashioned ways still ring true to today, but there are special ways of doing it, which is what this book teaches us.
A lot of people today tend to be very public about their lives on the social media sites, and this is not always a good thing. They give a lot about your life away. Why not save some of this and keep part of your life private/mysterious? There is a lot to say for getting to know a person one on one instead of reading about them on the computer these authors tell and teach us.
It seems today it's expected you will jump and reply to text messages, or posts immediately. This makes having a little time to yourself non-existent. It also takes away 'the chase' while dating. Women, you want to control the dating situation, and find a keeper, or Mr. Right, and there is a certain way of doing this, which is what these authors have mastered! Now they are here to teach you how to do it. It may make you have to learn to change a lot of your ways, but it IS SO WORTHWHILE!
I have to say this book surely opened my eyes to the dating world today, and it should open the eyes of the women who are dating today as well. Hopefully it will help your children who are going to be dating soon, too. This is just as great a book for them, too.
I never gave the information in this book ANY thought prior to reading it. I never thought about the repercussions my children could suffer from while trying to date. I did not grow up with computers and cell phones, so these things in this book were quite shocking to me, but understandable now.
This book is a GREAT way to take control of the dating scene, and YOU control it! The authors of this book teach you how to do it, and they give great examples by having real women with real issues submit questions to them, and the authors answer their questions and give more scenarios.
ALL you mothers out there, if you have daughters out there who are old enough to be dating, you are a dinosaur just like me! Most of us did not grow up with computers, tablets, or cell phones, and we really do not know what it is like to date today. This book was a huge eye-opener for me, and I think it will be for you, too!
Moms, PLEASE BUY THIS BOOK FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS! You really should read it too, or buy two copies, one for yourself, and one for them. You can help them along, if they are open to having you help them! It will give you a LOT of insight into what your daughters are going through, (you won't believe what they go through!) and maybe when they have a weak moment, you can step in and help them along the way, too.
It is never easy to change yourself or the way you do things overnight, nor is it expected. Women may break a few rules along the way, or get stuck in a few awkward positions of not knowing what to do, but in time The Rules will be memorized! (LOL!)
I read the ebook version, however, I suggest getting the paperback copy of this book only for the ease of flipping it open to the places you have bookmarked easier than it is on the e-reader you have. I'm SURE you will want to write notes in the columns, too, at least I woud have like to have done that! It's your choice.
I HIGHLY recommend this book! I cannot sing the praises of this book any higher! It's a MUST HAVE for today's times. Yes, dating HAS changed that much! ENJOY! I received this book for FREE from Grand Central Publishing through NetGalley, in exchange to read and write a review about it. It is NOT required for this review to be either positive or negative, but of my own honest opinion. "Free" means I was provided with ZERO MONIES to read this book nor to write this review, but to enjoy the pure pleasure of reading it. I am disclosing this information in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255, http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/wa... Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.

[Bianca Guiteau · Rating 4 out of 5]

I believe that "Not Your Mother's Rules" has the right idea of attempting to teach women to value themselves, and don't throw away their whole lives for a relationship. However, I believe that the rules get slightly extreme. Yes, it is good to dress nice, but you shouldn't tell women how they should dress to the t. Every one had a different style. As well, I tested out the texting theory presented in this book and I find to unnecessary. I think what the authors are really trying to convey is that you should give your significant other space, but i don't think it is necessary to go by a "when should i text him chart" instead know that he's probably not going to text you all the time and you shouldn't mass text him when he doesn't text back. Instead, you should live your life just as he lives his and text him when he text you. As well, if you want to text a guy first go for it. Who says you can't be a creature like no other and text guy first? This novel.
In the end, I think the authors attempt to convey viable information and dating techniques to women. However, the approach goes to extremes. I believe it causes women to completely change who they are for a man because of the lengths it goes with "the rules" when in reality if the novel was less extreme it would effective in teaching women to value themselves before any relationship.

[Kristen C · Rating 1 out of 5]

If I could give this zero stars, I would. Every copy of this book should be burned. I fumed with frustration more than once in its destructive pages. It is the shallowest, most manipulative set of "rules" I have seen. It claims to promote self-respect, but putting oneself in the mindset in the authors is quite the opposite. I am so glad I didn't read this when I was younger. They don't spend a sentence on looking inside yourself or figuring out what you want out of life (besides a husband). Sure, some of the "tactics" probably work, but it's better advice to BE busy by staying focused on everything you love in life than to PRETEND you're busy to impress someone. Every single piece of advice in this book is ugly and skewed. If you want a dating book that might help you find actual contentment, go for Charlotte Kasl instead of this harmful garbage. If I could erase this book from the earth, I would. I'm also going to continue to try really hard to avoid judging the friend who recommended it to me.

[David · Rating 2 out of 5]

updates and repeats (and repeats) the basic "play hard to get" message from their mid-90's book by applying it to social media and so forth. Mostly pretty obvious -- if you needed a new book to translate "wait at least four hours to call him back" (1995) to "wait at least four hours to text him back" (2012), you may have other issues besides failing to think of yourself as a CUAO (Creature Unlike Any Other) whom any guy would be lucky to date.

the target audience is an unmarried heterosexual woman who wants a man to date her (preferably on Saturday night) and then ask her to marry him. Within that framework, some of it seems reasonable on principle (don't get overly excited after seeing him once and begin pressuring him for a commitment) but it's filled with sweeping overgeneralizations about men and bizarrely specific, operational advice about how to implement their principles, e.g., "we support using [in texts] abbreviations like TTYL or LOL, as these make you seem too busy to write full words and long sentences. You should always write fewer words than he does!" [hmm, not sure "LOL" really carries that connotation anymore, if it ever did].

Have to hand it to the authors that they leave little to chance with their didactic explanations of the rules. Elaborating upon "don't tweet anything mundane or anything negative", for instance, they advise:

"no one wants to hear that you are 'walking the dog' or 'had a bad week at work'. Your tweets should be important, newsworthy, witty, or uplifting. 'training for the Susan B. Komen Race for the Cure 5k!' is a great example."

that is a great example. everyone should commit this witty, uplifting statement to memory and put it out to the online world. Big uptick in happy marriages to follow.

[Rflutist · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book blends old fashioned dating advice with 21st Century technology. What could be better or more useful? It would make a nice gift for the newly single and/or those who are returning to dating after a hiatus.

The only reason the book doesn't get a five star rating is that some of the stories seem a bit repetitive. Nevertheless, look past that and think about what the authors have to say. It 's true, isn't it?

[Dawn · Rating 1 out of 5]

So Dumb! I am 45 and this is NOT a way to date at my age. I do what I want and have broken almost all the "rules" except that I am celibate(for religious reasons). We have known each other 22 years and been dating for 1 1/2 years. We are getting married in the Mormon Temple June 18, 2013 and he is adopting BOTH my daughters ages 16 and 4. I am glad I play by my own RULES! Bc if I played by these stupid rules we would not have made it past our first conversation.

[Spider the Doof Warrior]

I'm actually never going to read this book. Why should I take dating advice from these broads. I'm not desperate. What I will do is do my own thing, pursue my passions and If I meet a guy along the way, good for me. Or possibly a girl that is not like my mother. If I don't, I'm not going to WHINE about it. I'm just going to live to the fullest.

[Aliza Rivera]

Men (and women) have forgotten the beauty of the dance of courtship and that's what this is really all about. It's about keeping boundaries and allowing a relationship to deveop organically so you both have a chance to respectfully find out if the relationship is a good match and worth pursuing. It was a good and easy read.

[Melanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think there are a lot of good points and useful information for women who have no clue. I wouldn't take everything to heart. it's entertaining, but always take advice with a grain of salt.

[Dee · Rating 4 out of 5]

The rules in this book seem really old fashioned, but everything works. They should change the title to "How to Tame a Player and Keep Him."

[mackenzie]

my dad’s cousin who is terminally ill with breast cancer bought me this book because i’m twenty seven (four) with no money (a little money) and no prospects (for real) and already a burden to my parents (they play pickleball doubles with my best friend and i and always beat us.)

honestly, this book has some real problems in 2024. curly hair is sloppy, put in blue contacts, lose weight or men won’t want you kind of stuff. however, i did find its contents strangely confidence boosting. the idea of being a creature unlike any other (CUAO) and making a man YEARN for me has really revolutionized my outlook on dating. if he isn’t making any effort, why should i give him a shred of attention?

will check back in a few months to see how the fight goes with my newly found CUAO confidence.

[Lily Herrera · Rating 1 out of 5]

El peor libro que pude leer, machista, arcáico…

[Irum · Rating 1 out of 5]

Whilst it is good to establish boundaries when in a relationship, a lot of these “rules” are downright sexist and conform to stereotypical gender norms. They claim I should never ask out a man, call him or even spend longer than 10 minutes on the phone to him.
I realise the value of playing hard to get (because it works) but these “rules” are restrictive and some have no logic whatsoever behind them.
They also recommend women should “Get a french manicure”, “Dye their hair blonde” and “Wear tight clothing” and “5 inch hoop earrings”. According to this book I should “dress for men” instead of myself?! I don’t think it’s right for anyone (of any gender) to suggest that such adjustments will make them more desirable. It’s actually insulting to straight men to suggest that they are so narrow and limited in what attracts them.
Why should I make physical adjustments to “make men like me” when there are plenty of men out there that find me more than attractive the way I currently am?
Whilst this book proposes a good argument for playing hard to get, that will be just about the only “new rule” I will follow. After all, I don’t want my future children to ask their father what attracted him to me, only to hear “The tight clothes and blonde hair really got me. And the restrictive 10-minute phone calls drove me wild!”.

[Magdalena · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oh, this is so so bad I have to write a review. I read this book because I have a “rules” friend with whom we absolutely disagree and always argue about how to act when it comes to men and dating. She made me read this book saying I will understand it all after I read it.
No, I don’t understand. I don’t understand how anyone can take this seriously in the 21st century Europe. This is 100% sexist bulls*it. I knew it already in the introduction where men are described basically like superficial creatures that don’t have emotions and brains. The whole book, which I finished reading just because it was so damn bizarre, is about how you should change your whole appearence and behaviour according to what men like (which is, apparently, slim blonde gold-digger; no place for individuality, oh, and btw, men hate when you have a tattoo). It includes a whole chapter of bodyshaming (including quotes of guys saying how chubby girls are disgusting).
Not only all these “rules” turn dating, which should be fun for both, into manipulation and slow suffering, but also if a book like this was written for men about women, it would produce hashtags and maybe legal actions. I’m disgusted.

[Sky Diamond · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very good with its teaching of self restraint, mortals and basically everything you would have been doing in the olden days -- being busy and getting on with your own life, not making guys your LIFE, like many teenagers today, and by the way, this is coming from a nineteen year old, so yeah. Listen up girls!

This book was easy to read and understand, totally got the meaning of it without having to reread something a thousand times, like I've found in a lot of other 'helpful' books. I'm not too sure it's going to be easy to follow and put to use, but I believe in The Rules and I am going to give them a good glance and a shot.

[Anna Krjatian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and wish I had read it 8 years ago. Nonetheless, I am really happy that it came into my life now and not later. Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider write very clearly why a woman needs to take a passive approach in dating. They support all their points with stories from their consulting sessions. I have a much better understanding in how I need to behave as a woman in a relationship and recognise where I have gone wrong before. I would recommend this book to anyone who is tired of getting the same results in their love life. Give it a chance. I'm really glad I did :)

[Stacey · Rating 2 out of 5]

Probably great advice for an AMERICAN girl of 25 but, at my age, traipsing around on stilettos with 3" gold hoop earrings and stick-straight hair is pathetic. So the dress advice is dumb for anyone over 30. The behavior advice (the what NOT to do) is probably great advice for women of any age. Nonetheless, while there is some useful advice this book is not for anyone over 35 who doesn't want to be fake fake fake from head to toe. French women do not do any of this - and for good reason.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the first book that I have ever one and am grateful for the chance to review it. First off, as a happily married women this book does not apply to me. I did think that the information would be an extremely helpful guideline to the single female and have recommended it to my single friends.

[DelRica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book simply reinforced some things I already knew and enlightened me in other areas. It's an old-fashioned take on new age dating that, well, just may work. Im sure that lots of people dont "believe" in their brand of dating but I figure it doesn't hurt to try it. Nothing wrong with taking advice from several sources and finding what works for you.

[Katy · Rating 2 out of 5]

So much good advice in here you don't even need to have friends! Don't text him back for AT LEAST an hour! Don't "hang out"! Don't be TOO available! You WILL look desperate and NEVER get married!!!!!

[Tasneem · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is brilliant. I wasn't a Rules girl before, but I am one now. Do the Rules. They work. They make sense and they really are what is needed to make sense of the madness out there.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

The chapter about how you should improve your appearance is awful but otherwise a lot of good things here.