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Unlearning Shame: How We Can Reject Self-Blame Culture and Reclaim Our Power
Learn to identify—and combat—Systemic Shame, the feeling of self-hatred and disempowerment that comes from living in a society that blames individuals for systemic problems, with this invaluable resource from the social psychologist and author of Unmasking Autism .
Systemic Shame is the socially engineered self-loathing that says we are solely to blame for our circumstances. It tells us that poverty is remedied by hard-working people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, that marginalized people are personally responsible for solving the problem of their own oppression, and that massive global crises like climate change can be solved with individual action. Feeling overwhelmed? That’s your problem, too. The more we try and ultimately fail to live up to impossible societal standards of moral goodness, the more shame we feel—and the more we retreat into isolation and despair.
Social psychologist Dr. Devon Price knows firsthand the destructive effects of Systemic Shame; he experienced shame and self-hatred as he grappled with his transgender identity, feeling as if his suffering was caused by his own actions rather than systems like cissexism. And it doesn’t just end with internal feelings of anguish. It causes us to judge other people the same way we fear being judged, which blocks us from seeking out the acceptance and support we need and discourages us from trying to improve our communities and our relationships.
In Unlearning Shame , Dr. Price explores how we can deal with those hard emotions more effectively, tackling the societal shame we’ve absorbed and directed at ourselves. He introduces the antidote to Systemic expansive recognition, an awareness of one’s position in the larger social world and the knowledge that our battles are only won when they are shared. He provides a suite of exercises and resources designed to combat Systemic Shame on a personal, interpersonal, and global level through rebuilding trust in yourself, in others, and in our shared future.
By offering a roadmap to healing and a toolkit of actionable items, Unlearning Shame helps us reject hopelessness and achieve sustainable change and personal growth.
Systemic Shame is the socially engineered self-loathing that says we are solely to blame for our circumstances. It tells us that poverty is remedied by hard-working people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, that marginalized people are personally responsible for solving the problem of their own oppression, and that massive global crises like climate change can be solved with individual action. Feeling overwhelmed? That’s your problem, too. The more we try and ultimately fail to live up to impossible societal standards of moral goodness, the more shame we feel—and the more we retreat into isolation and despair.
Social psychologist Dr. Devon Price knows firsthand the destructive effects of Systemic Shame; he experienced shame and self-hatred as he grappled with his transgender identity, feeling as if his suffering was caused by his own actions rather than systems like cissexism. And it doesn’t just end with internal feelings of anguish. It causes us to judge other people the same way we fear being judged, which blocks us from seeking out the acceptance and support we need and discourages us from trying to improve our communities and our relationships.
In Unlearning Shame , Dr. Price explores how we can deal with those hard emotions more effectively, tackling the societal shame we’ve absorbed and directed at ourselves. He introduces the antidote to Systemic expansive recognition, an awareness of one’s position in the larger social world and the knowledge that our battles are only won when they are shared. He provides a suite of exercises and resources designed to combat Systemic Shame on a personal, interpersonal, and global level through rebuilding trust in yourself, in others, and in our shared future.
By offering a roadmap to healing and a toolkit of actionable items, Unlearning Shame helps us reject hopelessness and achieve sustainable change and personal growth.
368 pages, Hardcover
Published February 6, 2024
384 people are currently reading
6930 people want to read
About the author
Devon Price
7 books1,523 followersDr. Devon Price is a social psychologist, writer, and professor at Loyola University of Chicago’s School of Continuing and Professional Studies. Price’s work has appeared in numerous publications such as Slate, The Rumpus, NPR, and HuffPost and has been featured on the front page of Medium numerous times. He lives in Chicago, Illinois.
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September 1, 2023
Sometimes you read a book and it helps you better understand the world around you and sometimes you read a book and it helps you better understand the world inside of you and this book does both in ways that are validating but also very confronting and that is very good.
Some parts of this book are difficult to read because they force you to reflect on your own shame and how it affects your life and so I had to take breaks to really think about it. I am glad though, this is important work and being conscious of how you are a victim of shame, your own and others', is necessary to dismantle the negative ideas that have seeped into your mind.
This is an in-depth analysis (the word feels too stiff for this book and yet, look didn't feel serious enough) at how systemic shame affects all of us, in our relationships to others and to the world and to ourselves, in which Dr. Devon Price explains brilliantly and (one of Price's strengths) in such easily comprehensible and relatable ways elements of history, psychology, sociology, etc. Then, in the second half of the book, he offers concrete examples and paths to unlearning this shame and what life without letting it govern our values, worldviews and decisions, can look like.
This book is not about judging yourself for having done things wrong, or how to become a better person. It's not even about becoming "happier" or "your more authentic self". It's about reframing things so that shame isn't the main hidden motivator or controller of morality. As simple and as complicated as that is.
I am leaving this reading experience with a list of newly formulated understandings and thoughts about my own life that I will undoubtedly forget to implement at first - which is why I took so many notes and cannot wait to get a physical copy I can transfer all my annotations and highlighting to - thanks to the many actually applicable and useful series of questions and "exercises"(? I hesitate to call them such as this book does not fall into the usual platitudes of self-help books).
Thank you Rodale Inc., Harmony and NetGalley for the opportunity to read this ARC. Thank you to Dr. Devon Price for writing this book.
Some parts of this book are difficult to read because they force you to reflect on your own shame and how it affects your life and so I had to take breaks to really think about it. I am glad though, this is important work and being conscious of how you are a victim of shame, your own and others', is necessary to dismantle the negative ideas that have seeped into your mind.
This is an in-depth analysis (the word feels too stiff for this book and yet, look didn't feel serious enough) at how systemic shame affects all of us, in our relationships to others and to the world and to ourselves, in which Dr. Devon Price explains brilliantly and (one of Price's strengths) in such easily comprehensible and relatable ways elements of history, psychology, sociology, etc. Then, in the second half of the book, he offers concrete examples and paths to unlearning this shame and what life without letting it govern our values, worldviews and decisions, can look like.
This book is not about judging yourself for having done things wrong, or how to become a better person. It's not even about becoming "happier" or "your more authentic self". It's about reframing things so that shame isn't the main hidden motivator or controller of morality. As simple and as complicated as that is.
I am leaving this reading experience with a list of newly formulated understandings and thoughts about my own life that I will undoubtedly forget to implement at first - which is why I took so many notes and cannot wait to get a physical copy I can transfer all my annotations and highlighting to - thanks to the many actually applicable and useful series of questions and "exercises"(? I hesitate to call them such as this book does not fall into the usual platitudes of self-help books).
Thank you Rodale Inc., Harmony and NetGalley for the opportunity to read this ARC. Thank you to Dr. Devon Price for writing this book.
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May 15, 2024i know some people have issues with the author (and frankly i don’t know what they are) so i don’t know if supporting this book is morally sound…but honestly after reading this book i’m not sure it matters. while this book probably isn’t perfect and it isn’t for everyone and you should take it with a grain of salt…that’s how all books are. i’m not here to tell you that devon price is a perfect person or whether he’s good or bad, but i can tell you that i got a lot out of this book. i can tell you that there’s a lot of think about in these pages, and ultimately i consider myself better having read his ideas.
originally i picked this up because i’m realizing i do have a lot of issues with shame and i think they’re affecting my personal relationships and how i open up to other people. and while this book does touch on that, it really focuses more on shame as a system and how it interacts in a lot of areas of life. this book has a lot of reflection questions and exercises, similar to unmasking autism if you’ve read that, and even though i didn’t really feel compelled to engage that deeply with it, i appreciated that it was there and i think maybe someday down the line i could revisit this and try those sections for real.
what i most appreciated about this book is that it feels like it helped my anxiety. ever since i first studied sociology in college i feel like i’ve been constantly getting more and more anxious over helping people and watching our world crumble day after day, and it’s so easy to get caught up in hopelessness and helplessness. while this book didn’t exactly make me believe everything will be okay, it kind of reminded me that there’s only so much we can do, but sometimes doing something small is actually bigger than we think. it reminded me that the things we consume do not define us and they don’t prove whether we’re good or bad people. it just felt like a nice step back from everything, like a breath of fresh air. do i still feel bad? sure! but i can remind myself that shame isn’t a helpful emotion and that giving in to shame actually makes things a lot worse most of the time.
i had never really considered systemic shame and i think the author did a really great job exploring the intersectionality of the concept. i loved how many different identities he interviewed and included, and i loved that he didn’t focus on just one area. there’s talk about classism, racism, sexism, homophobia, and everything in between. it’s a book about activism…except not really.
but here’s the thing that comes back to my original content about the morality of the author. i think we’ve reached a point where we’re so deadset on pointing fingers at individuals that we’re losing sight of the bigger (systemic) picture…which is the whole point of the book. the author talks about a lot of people who have gotten cancelled or called out for bad behavior, and in the end it doesn’t really do much to fix the problem. like sure, we should call people out and ask that people do better, but i also think we should be putting our focus in other places. there are systems to demolish rather than bad people to shame. especially because at the end of the day, shaming people for bad behavior won’t change much. famous people will continue to make money and get more famous even if we block them on tiktok. there’s just better ways to spend my time than trying to make bad people act better. it doesn’t make me superior if i’m yelling about them on the internet. and maybe that’s a cop-out, but i think i’m just so sick of fighting hate with more vitriol when it’s all such a gray area.
i think i appreciate books like this because it’s obvious that the author DOES care about helping people and activism and being a good person, and even if they mess up or have some bad behavior they need to correct, they’re clearly trying. just like me. just like my friends and my family and you. and i don’t plan on glorifying him or worshipping his behavior, but hey i can concede that his book really made me think and it helped me. there’s no way to be a perfect activist or ally or person, we can all just do our best and hope that we’re helping people along the way.
originally i picked this up because i’m realizing i do have a lot of issues with shame and i think they’re affecting my personal relationships and how i open up to other people. and while this book does touch on that, it really focuses more on shame as a system and how it interacts in a lot of areas of life. this book has a lot of reflection questions and exercises, similar to unmasking autism if you’ve read that, and even though i didn’t really feel compelled to engage that deeply with it, i appreciated that it was there and i think maybe someday down the line i could revisit this and try those sections for real.
what i most appreciated about this book is that it feels like it helped my anxiety. ever since i first studied sociology in college i feel like i’ve been constantly getting more and more anxious over helping people and watching our world crumble day after day, and it’s so easy to get caught up in hopelessness and helplessness. while this book didn’t exactly make me believe everything will be okay, it kind of reminded me that there’s only so much we can do, but sometimes doing something small is actually bigger than we think. it reminded me that the things we consume do not define us and they don’t prove whether we’re good or bad people. it just felt like a nice step back from everything, like a breath of fresh air. do i still feel bad? sure! but i can remind myself that shame isn’t a helpful emotion and that giving in to shame actually makes things a lot worse most of the time.
i had never really considered systemic shame and i think the author did a really great job exploring the intersectionality of the concept. i loved how many different identities he interviewed and included, and i loved that he didn’t focus on just one area. there’s talk about classism, racism, sexism, homophobia, and everything in between. it’s a book about activism…except not really.
but here’s the thing that comes back to my original content about the morality of the author. i think we’ve reached a point where we’re so deadset on pointing fingers at individuals that we’re losing sight of the bigger (systemic) picture…which is the whole point of the book. the author talks about a lot of people who have gotten cancelled or called out for bad behavior, and in the end it doesn’t really do much to fix the problem. like sure, we should call people out and ask that people do better, but i also think we should be putting our focus in other places. there are systems to demolish rather than bad people to shame. especially because at the end of the day, shaming people for bad behavior won’t change much. famous people will continue to make money and get more famous even if we block them on tiktok. there’s just better ways to spend my time than trying to make bad people act better. it doesn’t make me superior if i’m yelling about them on the internet. and maybe that’s a cop-out, but i think i’m just so sick of fighting hate with more vitriol when it’s all such a gray area.
i think i appreciate books like this because it’s obvious that the author DOES care about helping people and activism and being a good person, and even if they mess up or have some bad behavior they need to correct, they’re clearly trying. just like me. just like my friends and my family and you. and i don’t plan on glorifying him or worshipping his behavior, but hey i can concede that his book really made me think and it helped me. there’s no way to be a perfect activist or ally or person, we can all just do our best and hope that we’re helping people along the way.
February 25, 2024
By page 8 of this book, the author was making excuses for a guy called "West Elm Caleb" who lied to women and manipulated them to get them into bed, then ghosted them afterwards. West Elm Caleb also sent at least one woman an unsolicited nude photo. Devon Price downplays what happened to these women, saying West Elm Caleb's actions were not really abuse, and said that it was only worthy of an eye roll.
Dr. Price then goes on to blame the *women* for talking about West Elm Caleb on TikTok, saying they're only doing it to make themselves feel better/powerful and to engage in a fake form of feminism. To Dr. Price, poor West Elm Caleb is just a victim of "systems" that teach men to take advantage of women. The book tries to argue that Caleb is the real victim, because he is "held responsible for a societal issue that's far larger than him."
Give me a fecking break! Why is this book going to such great lengths to defend a liar and manipulator like West Elm Caleb? Why isn't the shame felt by the women who were lied to and manipulated for s*x treated with the same reverence???
Throwing this book across the room now. Glad it was a library borrow and not a purchase, Jesus Christ.
Dr. Price then goes on to blame the *women* for talking about West Elm Caleb on TikTok, saying they're only doing it to make themselves feel better/powerful and to engage in a fake form of feminism. To Dr. Price, poor West Elm Caleb is just a victim of "systems" that teach men to take advantage of women. The book tries to argue that Caleb is the real victim, because he is "held responsible for a societal issue that's far larger than him."
Give me a fecking break! Why is this book going to such great lengths to defend a liar and manipulator like West Elm Caleb? Why isn't the shame felt by the women who were lied to and manipulated for s*x treated with the same reverence???
Throwing this book across the room now. Glad it was a library borrow and not a purchase, Jesus Christ.
May 1, 2024
The parts that were good were really good, the exercises were helpful.
December 19, 2023
NetGalley Review,
After doing some much needed research, and now an autistic who isn’t newly diagnosed, I see sow this author is so problematic. I will no longer be supporting this author or his work. I will also be adjusting my previous review.
After doing some much needed research, and now an autistic who isn’t newly diagnosed, I see sow this author is so problematic. I will no longer be supporting this author or his work. I will also be adjusting my previous review.
February 11, 2024
"self help" but make it anti-capitalist and written from a trans autistic perspective. def felt called out by this one like devon's other books, if not more so. this one will likely be a reread
September 11, 2023
Thank you NetGalley and Rodale Inc for this eARC in exchange for an honest review. I was so (surprised) and excited to get approved for this book while I was in the middle of reading Unmasking Autism and waiting for my library hold of Laziness Does Not Exist. I'm one of those people that when I read and love one book from an author, I want to read them all.
This book was raw and real, and it was written clearly and concisely. No fancy jargon here; it was a very accessible read. It was a good mix of personal stories and research, but I will say that there was just a bit too much political discourse for my personal taste (mind you, I mean overt political discourse such as the binary "us vs them" party system- not human rights discourse, which I am here for).
I was originally thinking that I would benefit most from the discussion of personal shame, but I quickly realized that reading about intrapersonal shame and global shame was also very stimulating. I found all three topics helpful and enjoyed reading about their interconnectedness. I resonated with the overall research and enjoyed learning about new ideas and different perspectives on the topic of shame.
Once the book officially releases, I will be recommending it in a POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) facebook group that I'm in, because I know a lot of us deal with different levels of shame surrounding our physical limitations living with this disease.
This book was raw and real, and it was written clearly and concisely. No fancy jargon here; it was a very accessible read. It was a good mix of personal stories and research, but I will say that there was just a bit too much political discourse for my personal taste (mind you, I mean overt political discourse such as the binary "us vs them" party system- not human rights discourse, which I am here for).
I was originally thinking that I would benefit most from the discussion of personal shame, but I quickly realized that reading about intrapersonal shame and global shame was also very stimulating. I found all three topics helpful and enjoyed reading about their interconnectedness. I resonated with the overall research and enjoyed learning about new ideas and different perspectives on the topic of shame.
Once the book officially releases, I will be recommending it in a POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) facebook group that I'm in, because I know a lot of us deal with different levels of shame surrounding our physical limitations living with this disease.
December 7, 2023
Unlearning Shame is a thoughtful and poignant. It deals with the ideals of shame that society has placed upon us, that in turn we have internalized. It speaks on what to look at within ourselves and society to allow us to live as a guilt free as possible as our authentic selves.
I am honestly still reeling after reading this. There were some wonderful questions posed and several very helpful charts that you can fill out or reference to help with breaking down your own thoughts and feelings. Unlearning Shame was incredibly easy to read. I finished in two days. However, putting the information to use is going to be a life long practice. Every time I read something by Devon Price I come away with big thoughts and feelings, this was no exception.
I received an ARC and am leaving a review of my own volition.
I am honestly still reeling after reading this. There were some wonderful questions posed and several very helpful charts that you can fill out or reference to help with breaking down your own thoughts and feelings. Unlearning Shame was incredibly easy to read. I finished in two days. However, putting the information to use is going to be a life long practice. Every time I read something by Devon Price I come away with big thoughts and feelings, this was no exception.
I received an ARC and am leaving a review of my own volition.
January 24, 2024
As always, my disclaimer is that I hope every self-help book will help somebody, even if that wasn't me. And this one wasn't.
This book is all over the place. It starts to talk about one topic, then jumps to a personal anecdote or interpretation. Some chapters have 70 citations; others have 20. The case studies of other people are not followed through in a consistent way.
It seems like Dr. Price actually should have written a memoir. Otherwise, a good developmental editor could have helped a lot here.
Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for the opportunity to review a temporary digital ARC in exchange for an unbiased review.
This book is all over the place. It starts to talk about one topic, then jumps to a personal anecdote or interpretation. Some chapters have 70 citations; others have 20. The case studies of other people are not followed through in a consistent way.
It seems like Dr. Price actually should have written a memoir. Otherwise, a good developmental editor could have helped a lot here.
Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for the opportunity to review a temporary digital ARC in exchange for an unbiased review.
March 1, 2025
I HEREBY REJECT SYSTEMIC SHAME AND THE IMPACT IT HAS ON MY MENTAL HEALTH.
All thanks to this book :) Well researched, relatable anecdotes, vulnerable sharing by the author and actionable steps included to combat system shame. Basically couldn’t ask for more!
All thanks to this book :) Well researched, relatable anecdotes, vulnerable sharing by the author and actionable steps included to combat system shame. Basically couldn’t ask for more!
March 26, 2024
Less of a guide about unlearning shame and more of a memoir with some discussion of "cancel culture," without using that phrase
June 21, 2024
3.5
I agree wholeheartedly with the general premise here - let's stop downloading responsibility onto individuals for the huge ills that we face globally, that can only be fixed collectively (e.g. climate change). That said, I think this was my least favourite of Price's books. It wasn't bad, but for me it had a bit of the opposite of the intended effect? Price wants to help readers unpack and unlearn systemic shame, but part of that is moving from stewing in shame to doing something meaningful and collective. For me, in some the sections where he talks about finding community, getting involved in activism, etc., the pieces about not feeling shamed for not being able to do it all that he talks about earlier in the book aren't super well connected, and I actually left the book feeling more ashamed that I'm not doing more? This isn't necessarily (all) on Price's book, I'm sure it's at least partly on my own work to do around shame, but it did affect my overall perception of the book.
Caveat that I read this in audiobook, which I've come to learn is a bad choice for me for self-help books, because you can't really do the exercises easily, and (as is the case with non-fiction in general) I find it harder to process and assimilate the information.
Some parts of it resonated for me a lot, especially when Price talks about how systemic shame stopped him from accepting himself as a trans man. Other pieces rubbed me the wrong way. One that stands out in my memory is fairly early in the book when he talks about the pile-on that happened to a man who was catfishing a bunch of women on dating aps, causing that man to lose his job etc. I agree with Price that going after a specific person doesn't solve a systemic problem but people also still need to be held accountable for their individual actions. We all live in rape culture but not everyone is a rapist.
I felt the book was missing a more direct conversation about what is systemic vs. individual. Another example that he uses is the pile on on psychologist Dr. Amy Cuddy, and how the issues with p-hacking in her viral study of "power posing" as a junior researcher fell all on her and not other research associates or the problem of p-hacking in science in general. What Price misses is there is a lot more wrong with the study than p-hacking, and Cuddy very specifically continues to knowingly perpetuate and profit off bad science, as Jordan-Young and Karkazis discuss at length in Testosterone: An Unauthorized Biography, which I happened to be reading concurrently.
It also ground my gears when Price talks about buying pride swag as an individualized, capitalistic way to express queerness, rooted in systemic shame, rather than building solidarity and true queer community. That's all well and good when you live in a major centre like Chicago but in small communities it can be really hard to find queer community. This is one of the instances wehre it actually kinda felt like Prince was, ironically, shaming people. Although these problematic examples are only a fraction of the book, and I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, they did sour my overall feelings about the book.
None of this is to say the book is useless. It provides some helpful reflections around the way we are shaped by systemic shame, and I do believe systemic shame is a thing. I just don't think all the things Price puts down to systemic shame are actually equally systemic? I do think, however, that there was a lot of good ideas and advice in here that I glossed over because I was distracted by the places where I disagreed, and by the audio format, and I'd like to give it another shot in hard copy.
I agree wholeheartedly with the general premise here - let's stop downloading responsibility onto individuals for the huge ills that we face globally, that can only be fixed collectively (e.g. climate change). That said, I think this was my least favourite of Price's books. It wasn't bad, but for me it had a bit of the opposite of the intended effect? Price wants to help readers unpack and unlearn systemic shame, but part of that is moving from stewing in shame to doing something meaningful and collective. For me, in some the sections where he talks about finding community, getting involved in activism, etc., the pieces about not feeling shamed for not being able to do it all that he talks about earlier in the book aren't super well connected, and I actually left the book feeling more ashamed that I'm not doing more? This isn't necessarily (all) on Price's book, I'm sure it's at least partly on my own work to do around shame, but it did affect my overall perception of the book.
Caveat that I read this in audiobook, which I've come to learn is a bad choice for me for self-help books, because you can't really do the exercises easily, and (as is the case with non-fiction in general) I find it harder to process and assimilate the information.
Some parts of it resonated for me a lot, especially when Price talks about how systemic shame stopped him from accepting himself as a trans man. Other pieces rubbed me the wrong way. One that stands out in my memory is fairly early in the book when he talks about the pile-on that happened to a man who was catfishing a bunch of women on dating aps, causing that man to lose his job etc. I agree with Price that going after a specific person doesn't solve a systemic problem but people also still need to be held accountable for their individual actions. We all live in rape culture but not everyone is a rapist.
I felt the book was missing a more direct conversation about what is systemic vs. individual. Another example that he uses is the pile on on psychologist Dr. Amy Cuddy, and how the issues with p-hacking in her viral study of "power posing" as a junior researcher fell all on her and not other research associates or the problem of p-hacking in science in general. What Price misses is there is a lot more wrong with the study than p-hacking, and Cuddy very specifically continues to knowingly perpetuate and profit off bad science, as Jordan-Young and Karkazis discuss at length in Testosterone: An Unauthorized Biography, which I happened to be reading concurrently.
It also ground my gears when Price talks about buying pride swag as an individualized, capitalistic way to express queerness, rooted in systemic shame, rather than building solidarity and true queer community. That's all well and good when you live in a major centre like Chicago but in small communities it can be really hard to find queer community. This is one of the instances wehre it actually kinda felt like Prince was, ironically, shaming people. Although these problematic examples are only a fraction of the book, and I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, they did sour my overall feelings about the book.
None of this is to say the book is useless. It provides some helpful reflections around the way we are shaped by systemic shame, and I do believe systemic shame is a thing. I just don't think all the things Price puts down to systemic shame are actually equally systemic? I do think, however, that there was a lot of good ideas and advice in here that I glossed over because I was distracted by the places where I disagreed, and by the audio format, and I'd like to give it another shot in hard copy.
June 7, 2024
I quite enjoyed this book from Devon Price! "Unmasking Autism" is definitely still my fave, but there was so much value I found in "Unlearning Shame". Would highly recommend to anyone and everyone!
April 4, 2025
Devon always makes me reflect and think, which I hate but also love 😝 Very interesting read! And loved the reflection questions after each section
February 11, 2024
Ever feel like there's so much wrong with the world that you want to curl up under a rock? Filled with guilt about not doing more to fix everything that's wrong? Embarrassed about using disposable dishes (polluting the ocean) or buying chick-fil-a (supporting anti-queer political orgs), buying pride merch at Target (rainbow capitalism)? You should read this book.
In some ways, Unlearning Shame is like a textbook. It includes practical exercises and questionnaires to help me identify how systemic shame functions in my life, and how it hinders my individual ability to connect with other people and engage with the world around me in meaningful, personally fulfilling ways. Depending on how much time you want to invest in the exercises, reading this book can be as personal or removed an experience as the reader is prepared to deal with in that moment.
Be aware going in, these exercises do not mess around. They'll make you take a long, hard, compassionate look at yourself, and might drive your awareness right to the heart of your deepest fears and wounds. Set aside time and space to go on that journey and take care of yourself emotionally afterwards.
Among my favorite parts of this book are the intensely practical ideas for how to, in fact, unlearn shame. How to show up to life as your authentic self. How to let the things you're ashamed of point you toward connection with other people instead of avoidance and hiding. Not to mention (choirs of angels in the background) a STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO MAKING FRIENDS. Like........revolutionary shit. This book aggressively demystefies the concept of community (community is just relationships!) and how to find/build one for yourself.
Highly recommend reading alongside a friend or reading and then aggressively yelling about it to your friends until they read it after you. It demands to be shared.
Pairs well with: Mutual Aid by Dean Spade, All About Love by Bell Hooks.
In some ways, Unlearning Shame is like a textbook. It includes practical exercises and questionnaires to help me identify how systemic shame functions in my life, and how it hinders my individual ability to connect with other people and engage with the world around me in meaningful, personally fulfilling ways. Depending on how much time you want to invest in the exercises, reading this book can be as personal or removed an experience as the reader is prepared to deal with in that moment.
Be aware going in, these exercises do not mess around. They'll make you take a long, hard, compassionate look at yourself, and might drive your awareness right to the heart of your deepest fears and wounds. Set aside time and space to go on that journey and take care of yourself emotionally afterwards.
Among my favorite parts of this book are the intensely practical ideas for how to, in fact, unlearn shame. How to show up to life as your authentic self. How to let the things you're ashamed of point you toward connection with other people instead of avoidance and hiding. Not to mention (choirs of angels in the background) a STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO MAKING FRIENDS. Like........revolutionary shit. This book aggressively demystefies the concept of community (community is just relationships!) and how to find/build one for yourself.
Highly recommend reading alongside a friend or reading and then aggressively yelling about it to your friends until they read it after you. It demands to be shared.
Pairs well with: Mutual Aid by Dean Spade, All About Love by Bell Hooks.
April 2, 2024
I have to admit that it was not as good as „Unmasking Autism“ but is a very good one. Its also unfair to compare these two books but I was totally flashed from „Unmasking Autism“, guess i expected same effect from this one as well.
The first part of the book explaining systemic shame was good but i expected to ho more deeper into the notion or understanding of „shame“ as word, as concept. It was not as deep dig or as wide explanatory. Mostly was focused on systemic shame and kinda repeated itself every now and then in different forms under several chapters.
The first part of the book explaining systemic shame was good but i expected to ho more deeper into the notion or understanding of „shame“ as word, as concept. It was not as deep dig or as wide explanatory. Mostly was focused on systemic shame and kinda repeated itself every now and then in different forms under several chapters.
August 25, 2025
This book was more focused on identity-based shame (LGBT, disabled, racial minority, etc) and environmental shame (which, fair!) and less on super personal shame about cleanliness or laziness or other things specific to the individual.
That was okay, though, and the advice works for any type of shame. Plus it did go over all the types, just heavily weighted towards societal shame.
That was okay, though, and the advice works for any type of shame. Plus it did go over all the types, just heavily weighted towards societal shame.
Read
January 26, 2025I can't speak to the robustness of the social psychological research and exercises found within the work, but as a bibliotherapy newbie, I appreciated how the author approached all issues with grounded-ness and compassion. I do agree it's structurally a bit all over the place, but it really reads more as a kind friend giving well-meaning advice (if you're on the market for something heavily annotated and encyclopedic, this may not be for you).
January 25, 2025
3.5
This was hard to rate because I feel like parts of this blew my mind and I wanted to recommend it to anyone who was 1) spiraling about our political/social climate and 2) is trying to be an activist in a world that condemns you for not being perfect at everything.
BUT this book was also kind of a mess. I felt like three books competing for attention while I read: Devon Price’s memoir about transitioning, a book about shame and its history, and a self-help book that would be particularly helpful to those questioning their gender or sexual identity.
The first two “books” I’d have loved to read separately, but the third didn’t apply to me so I ended up a little tuned out at times and confused when the topics seemed to jump from place to place. Maybe it needed a different editing strategy, idk. It was all valuable information, just too cluttered and wordy in this context.
This was hard to rate because I feel like parts of this blew my mind and I wanted to recommend it to anyone who was 1) spiraling about our political/social climate and 2) is trying to be an activist in a world that condemns you for not being perfect at everything.
BUT this book was also kind of a mess. I felt like three books competing for attention while I read: Devon Price’s memoir about transitioning, a book about shame and its history, and a self-help book that would be particularly helpful to those questioning their gender or sexual identity.
The first two “books” I’d have loved to read separately, but the third didn’t apply to me so I ended up a little tuned out at times and confused when the topics seemed to jump from place to place. Maybe it needed a different editing strategy, idk. It was all valuable information, just too cluttered and wordy in this context.
January 9, 2025
This book is fine. I think the author's ideas about shame are interesting and valuable. I do think that I'll personally benefit from having read this. At first, I was NOT into this book. Like, yeah, shame is all around; that seems so self-evident, why did you need to write a book about it? But the more I read it, the more I resonated with the author's experience and analysis. The low points of this book for me are that it felt a little bit "over-cited," in the sense that I occasionally felt bogged down by the examples and connections the author makes. The high points of this book for me are that the author's ideas about shame are very clear and straightforward, and the book really fosters a sense of curiosity and reflection that I know I value but have a tendency to set aside. The actual experience of reading the book was fine and not particularly fun, but I do think I gleaned some interesting insights.
January 28, 2025
This book gets off to a great start, but it sort of fell off for me about halfway through, but I definitely recommend it. I read a previous book by Devon Price, and it was a similar experience. The book starts with a great premise, which is that in our capitalist, individualistic society, we’re trained to feel shame if we don’t fall within certain norms. If we’re not wealthy, it’s our fault. If we have a mental illness, it’s our fault. If we’re different or non-conforming in any way, we’re trained to feel shame.
I think there are a ton of great insights as to how we’re all trained to feel shame for pretty silly things, and it’s a way that the wealthy and powerful stay in power. The major issue is that it causes us to look down on one another as well, even though we’re all dealing with similar shame.
The author is all about social justice, but the second half of the book, similar to their previous book, is just a bit all over the place for me. The author is a trans man, and the second half of the book really focuses on LGBTQIA+ issues. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s just not how the book is marketed or what the first half is focused on. So, it goes from focusing on a broad audience to focusing on a very narrow one. The author also discusses some other marginalized groups as well, but again, it goes from a broad audience to very niche ones.
Lastly, I’m very sex-positive, but it’s hard for me to process the author discussing their own shame while discussing so many of their personal, sexually explicit stories. I won’t get into details, but they tell some sex stories that many of us wouldn’t feel comfortable telling our closest friends. I’m not trying to “shame” the author, but I really like when it feels like the author can relate to the topic on a personal level, but with the amount of self-disclosure, it’s hard to believe they feel much shame when they’re such a popular author and telling these stories to massive amounts of people.
Also, even though I shouldn’t have to say this, my opinion has nothing to do with the fact that the author is a trans man. If this book was written by a cis male or female, and they randomly started talking about their kinks or masturbatory habits out of nowhere, my opinion would be the same. Some even think I’m some weird prude for pointing out how lately it feels like movies and TV shows seem like they’re trying insanely hard to shove unnecessary sex scenes in everything.
Again, I think the book’s a good read and discusses some important topics, but I think it could be better.
I think there are a ton of great insights as to how we’re all trained to feel shame for pretty silly things, and it’s a way that the wealthy and powerful stay in power. The major issue is that it causes us to look down on one another as well, even though we’re all dealing with similar shame.
The author is all about social justice, but the second half of the book, similar to their previous book, is just a bit all over the place for me. The author is a trans man, and the second half of the book really focuses on LGBTQIA+ issues. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s just not how the book is marketed or what the first half is focused on. So, it goes from focusing on a broad audience to focusing on a very narrow one. The author also discusses some other marginalized groups as well, but again, it goes from a broad audience to very niche ones.
Lastly, I’m very sex-positive, but it’s hard for me to process the author discussing their own shame while discussing so many of their personal, sexually explicit stories. I won’t get into details, but they tell some sex stories that many of us wouldn’t feel comfortable telling our closest friends. I’m not trying to “shame” the author, but I really like when it feels like the author can relate to the topic on a personal level, but with the amount of self-disclosure, it’s hard to believe they feel much shame when they’re such a popular author and telling these stories to massive amounts of people.
Also, even though I shouldn’t have to say this, my opinion has nothing to do with the fact that the author is a trans man. If this book was written by a cis male or female, and they randomly started talking about their kinks or masturbatory habits out of nowhere, my opinion would be the same. Some even think I’m some weird prude for pointing out how lately it feels like movies and TV shows seem like they’re trying insanely hard to shove unnecessary sex scenes in everything.
Again, I think the book’s a good read and discusses some important topics, but I think it could be better.
January 1, 2025
It’s not exactly what I thought it would be. I was expecting something more along the idea that people live in unnecessary shame and some people, who have done something that would cause shame, don’t know how to overcome shame. I thought that this book would be more about helping them overcome these forms of shame.
Some people live in this constant state of shame. Potentially most obvious, would be women, beautiful women, who live in shame because they don’t have the body of some highly drooled over celebrity. Society has produced unrealistic image standards and many people struggle with self shame because of it. Others commit some kind of shame inducing faux pas but once shame kicks in they don’t know how to shake loose of it even after restitution has been paid, or repentance has been made. But that’s not really what this book is about at all. This book is about “systemic shame”.
I don’t believe it is appropriate behavior to actively and intentionally shame another human being for their actions. I don’t believe shame should be weaponized by an individual to wound another. However, I do believe it is ok for society to set up a culture where certain things are accepted, by most or even all, as good behavior and other things are accepted as deviant behavior. Once anything is introduced and accepted as deviant then shame is bound to occur when the deviant behavior is acted upon by an individual.
Overall, I simply disagreed with the author in almost every way, almost. I could go on for some time on why but it wouldn’t make much point. At the end of the day it wasn’t dealing with the type of shame I am concerned about and so the book had little value to me. If you want to fight the system of systemic shame that is saturating our culture and has been for millions of years then by all means grab this book and join the cause. As for me I think I will go find a better cause to join.
Some people live in this constant state of shame. Potentially most obvious, would be women, beautiful women, who live in shame because they don’t have the body of some highly drooled over celebrity. Society has produced unrealistic image standards and many people struggle with self shame because of it. Others commit some kind of shame inducing faux pas but once shame kicks in they don’t know how to shake loose of it even after restitution has been paid, or repentance has been made. But that’s not really what this book is about at all. This book is about “systemic shame”.
I don’t believe it is appropriate behavior to actively and intentionally shame another human being for their actions. I don’t believe shame should be weaponized by an individual to wound another. However, I do believe it is ok for society to set up a culture where certain things are accepted, by most or even all, as good behavior and other things are accepted as deviant behavior. Once anything is introduced and accepted as deviant then shame is bound to occur when the deviant behavior is acted upon by an individual.
Overall, I simply disagreed with the author in almost every way, almost. I could go on for some time on why but it wouldn’t make much point. At the end of the day it wasn’t dealing with the type of shame I am concerned about and so the book had little value to me. If you want to fight the system of systemic shame that is saturating our culture and has been for millions of years then by all means grab this book and join the cause. As for me I think I will go find a better cause to join.
October 11, 2024
Book of the Year for me, easily
I have too much to say about this book, but at the same time I have no idea where to start because it just nails every single point down. I could screenshot any part of this book and write out paragraphs to my friends about how true, painful and hopeful it (is) makes me feel.
This is my therapy actually!! Did almost every single exercise (and there are A LOOOT) and I have never felt as chill as I have in the time of reading this. It does take you a little longer to go through, than you'd expect but you realize it's better to take your time, than breeze through it.
I was so happy to see DBT execises/approach in the later part of this book!! 6 months since April and i'm doing better because at some point I realized I didn't have to do some of the DBT exercises – because I already have gone over them when I started DBT this year. I love progress!!
I really wish I could get everyone around me to read this book, even though it does make you quite depressed for a second and radicalizes for another, but! That's good! Just intense! I love intense and this book provided me with a lot of grounding and understanding (i'm autistic)
I have too much to say about this book, but at the same time I have no idea where to start because it just nails every single point down. I could screenshot any part of this book and write out paragraphs to my friends about how true, painful and hopeful it (is) makes me feel.
This is my therapy actually!! Did almost every single exercise (and there are A LOOOT) and I have never felt as chill as I have in the time of reading this. It does take you a little longer to go through, than you'd expect but you realize it's better to take your time, than breeze through it.
I was so happy to see DBT execises/approach in the later part of this book!! 6 months since April and i'm doing better because at some point I realized I didn't have to do some of the DBT exercises – because I already have gone over them when I started DBT this year. I love progress!!
I really wish I could get everyone around me to read this book, even though it does make you quite depressed for a second and radicalizes for another, but! That's good! Just intense! I love intense and this book provided me with a lot of grounding and understanding (i'm autistic)
February 25, 2024
Thank you to Net Galley and Rodale for the ARC in exchange for my honest review. This book is a good resource to learn about shame in our society and how it can affect all of us. Shame can lead to self-hatred and a feeling of disempowerment. The author does a thorough overview of our shame-based culture and the various types of shame people experience, systemic shame - the origins and how it puts the blame on use instead of a faulty system, radical self acceptance connection, and how we find our place in the world. The author also shares his personal stories of his childhood and coming out as queer then transgender and finally transitioning. Along these steps, there was shame from family, friends and the world. Throughout the book their are checklists, questionnaires and exercises to help the reader process their thoughts about certain issues. Having read most of Brene Brown's books on vulnerability and shame, there was alot of overlap in the information in this book. But, I think this goes a bit deeper for those who want more information on gender issues and shame.
December 5, 2024
This is the second Devon Price book I've read and immediately went "I need this on my shelf so I can use it to remind myself of a shitload of things"
This book has a lot to say and there were several that hit home for me. It's hard to say what others will get out of this book, and it feels weird to set up potential readers with expectations of what they too should get out of it. I needed to hear a socially minded person say that different approaches to progressive work were okay, and I needed to hear that I can't and shouldn't be expected to do everything when the world needs so much. It's given me a lot to think about, and I'm excited to see how it changes the way I live in the world when shame is taken out of the picture.
This book has a lot to say and there were several that hit home for me. It's hard to say what others will get out of this book, and it feels weird to set up potential readers with expectations of what they too should get out of it. I needed to hear a socially minded person say that different approaches to progressive work were okay, and I needed to hear that I can't and shouldn't be expected to do everything when the world needs so much. It's given me a lot to think about, and I'm excited to see how it changes the way I live in the world when shame is taken out of the picture.
July 29, 2024
what can i say, dr. price doesn’t miss. i’ll note my four stars is my rating for the audiobook version as a binge read before the next person in the libby queue can swipe it, and when i have a disposable $20 i fully intend to get my hands on the physical copy so i can spend more time with the exercises.
March 21, 2024
This book was seriously helpful to help remember that a lot of things are pushed onto individuals as a shame to remove corporate, government, and societal guilt. I’m really glad to have read it and would recommend it to anyone who wants to consider the source of their feelings of shame.
October 23, 2024
I love Devon Price’s books with my whole heart. I highly recommend this book to every single person reading these words as a tool for healing systemic shame. I have the feeling that if I can actually implement Price’s teachings in this book, my life will greatly change for the better.
February 26, 2024
Highly recommend the audio version read by the author.
July 29, 2024
Another great book by Devon Price addressing the intersections of capitalism, racism and neurodivergence.
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