1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting

by Thomas W. Phelan

Do you want to strengthen your parent-child bond? What about learning how to build self-esteem early on in your toddler, preschooler, or middle schooler? Are you ready to have a calm, happy family and home? This therapist-recommended, evidence-based book is the #1 resource for effective and enjoyable parenting using gentle techniques that work.

Since kids don't come with a manual, 1-2-3 Magic is the next best thing. Using his signature counting method, Dr. Thomas Phelan helps parents to quickly, calmly, and effectively stop obnoxious behaviors like tantrums and meltdowns, whining and pouting, talking back, sibling rivalry, and more by teaching your child how to regulate their emotions in a way that's safe for them and drama-free for you.

You'll also learn how to:
Build a solid foundation for being a confident parent
Manage testing and manipulation to avoid derailing your efforts
Encourage good behavior
Strengthen your relationship with your child
Establish positive bedtime, dinnertime, homework, and wake-up routines
Millions of parents from all over the world have used this bestselling child discipline book to raise happier families and put the fun back into parenting—and you can too!

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

Spiral-bound

Published February 2, 2016

Reviews

[Sara Cope · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s nice to hear someone articulate the challenging behavior I observe everyday in my kiddos. It makes me feel validated and empowered. I’m glad my husband and I read together so that we can back each other up when our kids act a fool. Didn’t love the section on eating & rewarding with dessert only once food is eaten but I’ve also read more about that than this book dips into so - like any parenting advice - we’ll take the parts that work for us and leave the rest. I can see us revisiting this as the kids get bigger, too, bc some issues (like getting kids to do homework) just don’t apply… yet :)

[Ruben Buijs · Rating 5 out of 5]

like minecraft, math and pancakes the 1-2-3 method is easy to learn and hard to master but seeing the benefits of it is a great joy

[Stephen Mulder · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think there are some helpful practical things in this book and have a hunch that a significant reason that this system has found success is it encourages consistency, clarity, and calmness in dealing with children (all fundamentally important). But this approach seems very focused on addressing behavioral concerns, and not actually dealing with the heart of the child. Phelan is also coming from a secular perspective, and does not have a Biblical understanding of human nature - which is one reason he falls into the pit of behavioralism. It also means that there was very little discussion of teaching children to confess that they have done wrong, and ask and grant forgiveness for wrong behavior.

[Aj Bagwell · Rating 3 out of 5]

We’re doing most of what this book says and it’s incredibly helpful, so I’d call that a win! Especially for me who likes to think Fields is a little adult, but I wouldn’t exactly say I loved reading this.

[Taylor Kundel-Gower · Rating 4 out of 5]

So far, very helpful for reclaiming peace and enjoyment in our house.

[Anna Shamery]

I know of people who use this method of parenting/discipline. While there were some good things I picked up, the overall approach is probably not the one our family will use.

[Annie Caruthers Wood · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was fine. Some of the principles I liked, but a lot of it felt pretty old school.

[MC · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a mom for over a decade and a half with multiple children at home, I'm always looking for better ways to do this parenting thing! Recommended by a counselor for one child I've struggled with for MANY years, this covers a lot of parenting principles I've encountered before - but it's always good to get a refresher. I'll come back and give this 5 stars once I try the techniques :)

Easy to read, short chapters, numerous real-life examples - I liked it so much at the halfway point I ordered the DVD to persuade the husband to cooperate.

PART I

The author divides children's behavior into two broad categories: those we wish a child to STOP, and those we wish a child to START. "Stop" behaviors include all the obnoxious, annoying habits children develop, like whining, bickering with siblings, teasing, arguing, yelling, and tantrums. "Start" behaviors include things we WANT our kids to do, like homework, chores, getting up on time in the mornings & going to bed easily.

PART II

Once we recognize a STOP behavior, this is where parents can "count" a child (I have used similar counting measures before, but I can see how this author's tweaks can make a world of difference). First off, we need to quit trying to EXPLAIN everything to a child - their brain can't handle all the logical reasons why they "should" listen, especially if they're in an agitated mode. Then us parents need to leave our own emotions out of it (this is SO HARD), because if we respond emotionally to their outbursts, it just makes their outburst WORSE.

It makes sense that as a child is learning emotional regulation, they need us to help guide them and let them "borrow" our regulation in a sense; this is done (really, can ONLY be done) every time we remain CALM in the face of their emotional outbursts. It might sound callous initially, but there is a time and a place for emotional connection, and it is NOT during these heightened emotional moments.

So once the parent explains the new system (briefly), the parent needs to give the calmly stated count, with about 5 seconds between each count for the child to calm themselves down. Then if the child doesn't stop and the parent gets to a count of 3, the child goes to "BreakTime" (a more positive spin on time-out). Parents can use alternatives, like the child has to go to bed early that night, or loses so many minutes of screen time. The point is to remain CALM and do it consistently so the child knows the parent means what they say.

The biggest difference in how I've done discipline is this author says do NOT talk to the child once the break time is over; again, young children's brains are not capable of listening like "little adults" so a better option is to forget it and move on. (Exceptions include if it's a new behavior, or if it was particularly dangerous - then a quick debriefing is OK.)

Honestly, I'm looking forward to getting more control of my house and not spending so much emotional energy every single day with ineffective discipline methods!

PART III

The author wisely includes several examples of testing/manipulation tactics children will use once they realize things are starting to change at home - kids LIKE to be in control or entertained by an engaging argument! Tactics include: Badgering, Temper/Intimidation, Threats, Martyrdom, Butter Up, Physical Tactics


PART IV

The next portion of the book focuses on "start" behaviors, offering 7 strategies parents can use to encourage cooperation from their children. Routine is a huge factor in removing the stress from less enjoyable but necessary tasks of life. Strategies include: positive reinforcement, simple requests, kitchen timers, docking system (taking money, screen time from child in exchange for you doing the requested chore), natural consequences, charting, counting variation. Artificial reinforcements can be used in conjunction with charts.

PART V

The last portion touches on the importance of building a positive relationship with your child, which will reinforce your efforts with stop & start behaviors. Regular 1-on-1 time with each child; learning & practicing supportive listening (allowing a child to express anger without turning it into a big argument about how they "shouldn't" feel that way, for example, especially if it has nothing to do with you directly); and grace for yourself as a parent, because you won't get it right every time.

[Grace Musgrave · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty solid. I read it fast because this isn’t the first book like this I’ve read & I definitely had some pre conceived ideas coming in. Can definitely see how this strategy works & is effective for some families — definitely has some outdated examples but overall, definitely applicable. My big hang up is teaching the kiddos to obey on 3, not on 1. I would hope my kiddos learn to obey & listen the first time. The author addresses this concern & expressed the need for children to be given the chance to learn. I agree with this stance & I agree. I do think this system can only take you so far. Overall, I see the benefit for the really young training years & I definitely will be using this system for whining in my toddler (iykyk😅), but eventually I’d like the discipline in our house to include heart probing questions & not simply timing out & ignoring the behavior.

[Sorina Negrilă · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm a bit conflicted about it. While the principles of building a positive child-parent relationship as a basis for any disciplinary measures are addressed, they are handled in a chapter towards the end of the book and quite sparingly. Some approaches feel a bit strongly authoritarian - and I am totally fine with using behavioral inspired techniques for change and probably tend towards authoritative parenting myself, but locking a child in the room for a time-out if he refuses to comply? Without any indication for what age that would be appropriate? I don't know, it's mostly a gut feeling that I'd like to read something else as well in my quest to solidify some of the knowledge I had from back in the day. Moving on to ..... The incredible years. Let's see

[Marisa Gaudet · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am admittedly a glutton for anything child psych so when this book got recommended to me recently I was excited to read it. I think it has a decent concept but it is wildly outdated and I would actually be shocked to hear someone had actual long term success implementing these exact methods (even though the reviews and testimonials do not align at all with my theory 🤣). I also just really hate the verbiage. Calling the method “magic for limiting obnoxious behavior” is so off putting to me. So take that for what you will. 🙃

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy read, good suggestions for parents of small kids. I like the counting method and the concept of stop vs start behavior. The overall principles of remembering kids are not tiny adults is helpful and useful in every aspect of parenting, not just discipline. Some of the specific examples are outdated, I would ignore all of the dinner time suggestions for example, but overall a helpful and quick read.

[Kira Cuevas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, the content of this book IS helpful. It feels a bit “infomercialy” which makes it a little hard to swallow, especially in audiobook format. The “stop” behaviors are much better dealt with than the “start” behaviors. For those, I will lean more heavily on some of the other parenting books I’ve been reading. I think my husband will have an easier job identifying with this parenting book than he has with some others, and I will update my rating to 5 stars if that’s the case.

[Teddy Nykiel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This method has been very effective so far when it comes to introducing a gentle discipline system for our toddler. My husband and I both read it and it’s been awesome to be on the same page about our approach. I also appreciate that book also covers strategies for encouraging positive behaviors and enhancing the parent - child relationship. I definitely see us revisiting this book throughout our parenting journey as our kids grow.

[Parker Edman · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great simple read that clearly and effectively explains the 3 goals of parents.

Stopping obnoxious behavior
Starting and encouraging positive behavior
Bonding with your child

The bulk of the book focuses on #1, but i found every peice helpful. Some parts are a little outdated - like the food section, but the general principals and most of the tactics are great and work.

[Lindsey Gold · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book on kind yet firm parenting. Covers effective discipline, ways to get your child to start healthy routines & how to boost bonding between you and your child. I think if you read this & incorporate these ideas into your child’s life-you’re bound to not only become a better parent, enjoy parenting a lot more & best of all have a stronger bond with your children. Definitely recommend.

[Kevin Whitaker · Rating 3 out of 5]

The two principles seem great: when disciplining children, 1) don't say very many words, and 2) don't show much emotion. The system sounds probably useful if you're willing to stick with it. But this is very thin even by parenting book standards -- there are about four pages of real content, a couple dozen pages of good examples, and then a lot of filler.

[Lole]

DNF only because it said a lot of things I’ve already learned and I didn’t feel it was necessary to spend time on it when I could be learning something new! I’m sure it’s a great book and super helpful to families.

[Nicolle Grant · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book with so many useful tips and tricks on healthy but effective discipline practices for kids. However, my rating could very well change depending on the success of using these tips with my kids.

[Autumn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is great for parents who want to practice gentle parenting and not let their children walk all over them. It really is magic, I spend more time bonding with my 4 year old than I do having to discipline him thanks to this book. Gives useful tips for every area of parenting 2-12 year olds!

[Taylor Wynne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of great tips and strategies that align with child development. The key to this book is consistency with the strategies and also making one-on-one time to bond with your child. I would recommend this book to a parent with littles!

[Erica Wright · Rating 3 out of 5]

The examples didn't resonate with me, but I appreciate the information on appropriate expectations. I'm definitely guilty of trying to reason with my three-year-old beyond his capacity. As with most parenting books, I'll keep what's useful and leave the rest.

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciate that this has obviously been updated recently - some good stuff, a fair amount of the usual story fluff that’s in a lot of parenting books, and some stuff our house likely won’t adopt. But overall, a good perspective and implementable ideas.

[Jameson Morris · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought that it the main suggestion of the 1-2-3 rule with break times is something we will try in the house. I like the distinction of start vs. stop behaviors.

The book was too long for the content and if i need a refresher i will just read a quick article on the 1-2-3 method.

Overall some practical information i will try to apply. Nothing earth shattering.

[Mandy PS · Rating 5 out of 5]

A simple how-two parenting book. Have found the counting method to be useful when working with our toddler. Will have to revisit some of the other techniques when she is older and it’s more applicable. A quick read.

[Grace · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was an interesting and very practical book. Indeed sometimes in parenting we try to reason with the kids as if they are adults, though not so true in Asian context. Nevertheless I think there are quite a few ideas I can use.

[Meredith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simple effective solutions for parents. We had lost control of our house and now we have it back. And the best bonus is having a fun and loving relationship with our 5 year old.

[Janson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book. Highly recommended with practical practises. It has help my family significantly. My family is now more peaceful. I am learning to enjoy my child’s presence.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Too long for the content, not convinced the author likes children based on word choices used, but the directions are clear and reasonable, I’m planning to try.

[Michelle Harrison-Faulkner · Rating 3 out of 5]

Don’t know that I agreed with every concept in this book but the premise and some of the advice has been helpful. I’m open to anything to help manage the chaos of parenthood!