Why Do I Love These People? Honest and Amazing Stories of Real Families

by Po Bronson

We all have an imaginary definition of a great family. We imagine what it would be like to belong to such a family. No fights over the holidays. No getting on one another’s nerves. Respect for individual identity. Mutual support, without being intrusive. So many people believe they are disqualified from having a better family experience, primarily because they compare their own family with the mythic ideal, and their reality falls short. Is that a fair standard to judge against?”

In the pages of Why Do I Love These People?, Po Bronson takes us on an extraordinary journey.

It begins on a river in Texas, where a mother gets trapped underwater and has to bargain for her own life and that of her kids.

Then, a father and his daughter return to their tiny rice-growing village in China, hoping to rekindle their love for each other inside the walls of his childhood home.

Next, a son puts forth a riddle, asking us to understand what his first experience of God has to do with his Mexican American mother.

Every step–and every family–on this journey is real.


Calling upon his gift for powerful nonfiction narrative and philosophical insight, Bronson explores the incredibly complicated feelings that we have for our families. Each chapter introduces us to two people–a father and his son, a daughter and her mother, a wife and her husband–and we come to know them as intimately as characters in a novel, following the story of their relationship as they struggle resiliently through the kinds of hardships all families endure.

Some of the people manage to save their relationship, while others find a better life only after letting the relationship go. From their efforts, the wisdom in this book emerges. We are left feeling emotionally raw but grounded–and better prepared to love, through both hard times and good time.

In these twenty mesmerizing stories, we discover what is essential and elemental to all families and, in doing so, slowly abolish the fantasies and fictions we have about those we fight to stay connected to.

In Why Do I Love These People?, Bronson shows us that we are united by our yearnings and aspirations: Family is not our dividing line, but our common ground.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Book Club, Relationships, Family, Short Stories

381 pages, Hardcover

First published November 15, 2005

About the author

Po Bronson has built a career both as a successful novelist and as a prominent writer of narrative nonfiction. He has published five books, and he has written for television, magazines, and newspapers, including Time, The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, and for National Public Radio's Morning Edition. Currently he is writing regularly for New York magazine in the United States and for The Guardian newspaper in the United Kingdom.

Po Bronson's book of social documentary, What Should I Do With My Life?, was a #1 New York Times bestseller and remained in the Top 10 for nine months. He has been on Oprah, on every national morning show, and on the cover of five magazines, including Wired and Fast Company. His first novel, Bombardiers, was a #1 bestseller in the United Kingdom. His books have been translated into 18 languages. Po speaks regularly at colleges and community "town hall" events. He is a founder of The San Francisco Writer's Grotto, a cooperative workspace for about 40 writers and filmmakers. From 1992 to 2006 he was on the Board of Directors of Consortium Book Sales & Distribution. He lives in San Francisco with his family.

from pobronson.com

Reviews

[Shelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't give many 5-star ratings but I believe this book deserves it for one simple reason: It seems the author has done a fantastic job commenting on Family without the benefit of The Plan of Happiness in his arsenal. The first chapter alone made me realize what a small bubble of life I live in and how grateful I am for the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. I didn't truly connect, until this book, with how many thousands of people are in the world struggling with the issue of family without the peace and joy of knowing WHY it's so important. The echoes of prophetic warning are very loud in Mr. Bronson's many narratives and statistics. I started reading as a parent, a mother, and about half-way through realized I was also reading as a child, a daughter, and became moved with this phenomenon.

The author's clear ability to connect the symbolism within each individual story and his theme is more than impressive - it's true talent! And the great part? Through it all I never once felt like he was preaching to me, rather we were on a discovery expedition together to figure it out based on the material he had collected.

Overall, for ME, the author accomplished his goal; I now have new eyes in which to view familial bonds, some ideas on how to improve those bonds or create new ones as the need arises and even the courage to cut a few of the unhealthy ones. Thanks! Definitely a GOOD READ!

['stina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished Po Bronson's Why Do I Love These People? over the weekend. It was a fairly quick read about 19 families. Divorce, death, different cultures, keeping in touch, pushing away. The book sort of discusses how families stick together, make it work. It's looking from both the point of view of the family that you came from and the family that you're making.

I think the main thing that I came away with from the book is that over the last 150 years or so, we've been given a lot more choice in how we relate with family and with that choice comes a lot of stress. Husbands and wives, daily, are given the choice as to whether or not they're going to stay together. Adult children have a choice in the type of relationship they have with their parents and siblings. A lot of the expectation of family that sticks together has deteriorated over the last few decades.* There are, of course, the economic, legal and societal benefits and pressures on being married, but the fundamental structure of the family has changed dramatically in the last 150 years.

What's also new is that the basis of marriage has become romantic love. The economic pressures are still there, as are societal and familial pressures, but for the most part, when two people get married these days, we expect them to be in love with one another. That's not historically been the case. And romantic love, as anyone who's ever had his or her heart stomped on knows, is not necessarily a stable, everlasting thing.

[Christina · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed hearing different stories with the central theme of family and overcoming difficulty. I didn't always love the people though. A few of them struck me as essentially selfish and definitely not someone I'd want to be like (for example the woman who asked her husband if she could have an affair because she was bored). The author's constant interjections with philosophical mumbo-jumbo got a little annoying by the end. But on a positive note, I did hear some great stories, such as when the illegitimate son of a very prominent man in Nigeria found out he wasn't dead after all and began the process of discovering family and a new culture. Did you know that Nigerians aren't big on one-on-one time? They relate to each other mostly in groups, the book said. An interesting concept, given our culture's obsession with making sure every child gets one-on-one time and their condemnation of large families.

[Jan Pliler · Rating 4 out of 5]

the only thing I would have suggested the author do differently is take the stories from the last half of the book and put them first. They carried a different kind of heartache, in my opinion. My mood shifted to a darker side reading the 2nd half, even though the individuals still worked out their results, it was a more challenging portion to feel inspired by at times, in my opinion.

This book is equivalent to traveling. It exposes your understanding to so many other facets of life that people experience. It is good for you, even though hard to stomach understanding. The travel is through real lives, rather than landscapes, coping skills rather than cultural cuisine, the language of the heart rather than the vocabulary of a foreign land....

The title would be better suited to move the "I" before the "Do"...."Why I DO love these people? People can be utterly amazing, extraordinary, divine.....

[Lily]

In December I was having a tough time figuring out what direction to go with my life. So my sister threw Po Bronson's book, "What Should I Do With My Life?" at me for some encouragement. I can't say that it really did much to drive me, but I enjoyed reading about people's career paths. When I saw that Po had written a book about families, I thought I would give it a read because I spend a lot of time thinking about my family....sort of trying to figure us all out now that I think about it! I generally enjoy learning about peoples lives, especially the little bits of them that you would never know from a glance. Hope it will be a good read!

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

Po Bronson's style is that of offering wisdom through the anecdotes of everyday people and their struggles with their families. He doesn't come right out and offer advice; rather, he creates an empathetic connection with the reader. Reading this book makes one realize that everyone experiences similar challenges in their familial relationships, even the author, and can offer inspiration to improve upon those relationships in one's own life.

[Catherine Stark · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you ever questioned, "why did I have to belong to this family", read this book and embrace the amazing stories, I think it will make even the most cynical individual realize how important it may be to, accept and appreciate the family we came from.
"That which does not kill you makes you stronger"

[Marianne · Rating 3 out of 5]

The stories in this book are super interesting. I had trouble connecting with the narrative voice. But I liked the people he talked to a lot.

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came across this book at our library as it was being weeded out. It proved to be an incredible read of various families and how they individually and collectively dealt with their brokenness and their healing. Show me a family anywhere without some dysfunction and I’ll show you a fairytale.

[Steven · Rating 3 out of 5]

I will admit that like others on this site, I was initially attracted to this book based upon the title. Being from a large and close Italian family, there are times when I ask the question posed by this book, and of course the only answer is that because they are family.

This book chronicles the struggles of 19 families and the various difficulties they have, especially in the realm of communication. I guess it is also not surprising to learn that there is really no “normal” family, and it is normal to love them completely, even though there are times you wonder whether it would be better to be far, far away from where they live. Some stories in the book moved me more than others, but they were definitely all very interesting.

One of the things I took from the book, which certainly makes sense, that I wrote down in an effort to remember in future relationships is as follows: it is much better to be in a relationship with someone, not whom you generally agree with (because you will inevitably disagree with them at some point), but instead with someone with whom you can disagree with well (because it is in overcoming these disagreements that brings true togetherness).

Overall, a nice little book, although some of the stories were a bit loosely tied. I am at a bit of a loss to know how to rate the book, but overall I thought it was pretty nice, and I think nice is a nice word for it.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I finally finished this book and loved it! It has 19 stories in it all about different families. I enjoyed the stories very much and learned something from each. Each story begins with a question and it is beneficial to ponder each of those questions.

Some things I wrote down while I read:

All people have something to show us. Family is our common ground.

If you want to define family, then define a better family. The test is not whether we have problems, but how we deal with them.

Physical affection is a sort of fourth dimension: You can get through life without ever knowing it's there, but it sure adds something to the experience when you open up to it.

Love that has been tested is far more awe inspiring than love that has never known anything but bliss.

Don't look for a partner with whom you have no problems, but one you are good at overcoming problems with.

We all struggle to balance romantic ideals with pragmatic needs when building relationships.

The biggest change to the family in the last 200 years is the gradual recognition that everyone in a family has rights, not just the father.

Somewhere in the last 100 years the family has had to make a huge transition from being a family ruled by force and autocracy to one held together by desire and kinship.

[Patricia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Family and their dynamics are endlessly fascinating to me. This book was interesting but not compelling. It tells the tales, struggles and triumphs of 19 different families asking a question to the reader before each chapter. It's a great book to have on hand in case you're waiting for an appointment and have a few minutes; as you could finish a full story quickly. I think, for me, I would have gleaned more from the stories if they had gone further in depth. Each story seemed to wrap up so neatly and quickly that I found myself rushing through the facts and logistics of their experiences as opposed to looking deeper at and contemplating each story in it's entirety.

[Farah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. Each chapter focuses on a relationship between two family members. The author is able to get to the truth between them in a way that is meaningful and deep and seems to apply to my own life even though their circumstances don't necessarily mirror mine.

[Cleokatra · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good book. It took me a while to get through it because it's an easy book to walk away from and then pick up again. I don't have a good relationship with my family. This book doesn't change that. It did help me understand why things are the way they are though.

[Alissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting look at families from all over the world with all kinds of problems and situations and how they have made their family situation work for them. It's inspiring to see what people have gone through and what the bonds of love and family inspire them to do.

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

The premise of the book is compelling as are the tellings of various people's stories, but the rawness of these stories was somewhat disturbed by the intrusion of the narrator's voice.

[CTEP]

This book contains many stories of different families that conquered their dysfunction while individuals went on with their lives, either with or without their families as a part of it. Each story explained how the main character was raised, what their environment was like, and how that along with culture brought them into their future challenges. Many of the characters were dealing with family of origin issues and were trying to not make the same mistake in their new families.

How does this relate to my AmeriCorps experience? At my site we discuss family often. We have meetings to discuss how the participants are doing in the program, at school, and in their lives overall. I learn about the kid's backgrounds and/or challenges they are facing. I admit sometimes it is hard to not judge parents, but instead I try to think about what led the families to where they are now. This book I think helped to give me a better perspective to be able to do that. Still I wonder what will happen to the kids when they are 17, 22, or even 40? What can I do or say that they can take with them into their future and use when I am not there?

I had believed at one point that one of my qualifications for working with at-risk youth was that I was once one myself. This proved to not be entirely the perfect formula, as I found it a challenge (though I can relate to some things kids go through personally) to know how to say just the right thing. Then I realized the challenge was based on my own lack of hearing what the right things are. This book I found inspiring as many of the characters were not given the skill set by their families to nurture, but they had the will to try and make sure they did not repeat the same environment.

I do recommend this book to AmeriCorps members. It is not the typical Psychology book. I liked the fact that it was a little different. I think families are an important topic to explore because most everyone has some form of a family.

[Jessie Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked Po Bronson's "What should I do with my life?", and when I heard that this book was a similar style, I knew I would enjoy it.

This is one of those books that you not only read, but are constantly quoting and paraphrasing to friends while you are reading it and long after, as well. The stories are somewhat memorable but even more memorable is the feeling it leaves you with: families are hard. you are normal. just keep going.

Favorite bits:

“The last book I wrote was about our individual journeys. It began with this line: ‘We are all writing the story of our life.’ As we respond to the challenges and exert some choice over what interests we pursue, we are composing our own life story.

But when it comes to family, it’s a little different. I like to say, ‘We are all constantly rewriting the story of our family.’

When we are born, we are handed this backstory, and then we spend our first decade with little control over how our journey unfolds. In our second decade, our understanding of the story begins to develop. We make conscious connections, notice patterns, and maybe inject some drama into the story, too. In our third decade, we gain some control over where this story will go. We decide how much separation we need from the past in order to hear our own feelings. We ask very threatening questions, such as ‘Do I need a family? What is their purpose?’ And we begin to push to create a family of our own.

Creating families of our own involves both building with new people and changing the relationships we have to those we’ve grown up with. On both fronts, we try to shape the stroy, adding new chapters as a way of changing how the old story lines turn out.”

- p.9

"Family tests us - it tests our ability to see the new in the old, the beauty in the ordinary" - p.9


“We get a lot of things from our families, but one of the most innately wired things we get is a template for how to give and receive love. Even if we have cut off all ties to our families, we carry this template forward in life.

Everyone has different feelings about this template. Some people feel they were taught very well how to love. Others feel they were taught terribly and given nothing but bad habits they’ve had to break. But most people who put themselves in the middle. They were taught some of the pieces, but others are missing.

It is the fashion of the day to complain about these missing pieces - to blame our backstory for not having full prepared us. But I think that’s a mistake. I think we are all meant to search. We have all been taught some of what love is, and the rest we have to go figure out. There is a yearning to fill our gaps, to make up for what we have missed.

This is true for us, and it was true for our parents, and it was true for every generation before them. Unfortunately, it will also be true for our children. This is the nature of life. We have not been cheated. We get this chance at life, but we have to hold up our end of the bargain. We have to learn what love is, learn the parts we missed, and pass it on. That’s the deal”

- p.11

"When we build a mental image of ourselves - we see only these layers upon layers. We conclude, I am not a good person, or I have been hurt very badly. But we are mistaken. This is not our true nature. Inside us all, under all those layers, despite years and years of neglect, there is still a virtuous and noble person, waiting to be let out. We don't become good people. We simple cease, slowly, to be deluded by the layers" -p.34

"It reminded me that the start of a better life was not out there somewhere, out there in the freak-show universe of spiritual guides, but rather, that the start of a better life was my own goodness, and it was already inside me. It had been there all along, under all those layers. Waiting for me. I just had to calm down, stop looking everywhere else for answers, and start letting it out." - p.34

"When the Petrified Forest imagines parenthood, their hears are flooded with the feeling of doors closing, not opening." -p.39

"The size of a family does not correlate with whether or not it respects autonomy. Not to do so is a damaging trait. It destroys more families than it preserves." -p.84

"And while I would never say the past is an excuse, I do think it helps to have done your research. Give people credit for what they've had to cope with." -p.114

"When I visiting in April - exactly one year after Anne's trip to Belize - neither Anne nor Jerome could commit to making it work. However, the stalemate had budged, and here's how: Both had privately come to the realization that even if they married somebody else, they would be in the same situation.

Jerome realized his tendency to withdraw would destroy any relationship he was in. Anne realized her insistence that life be endlessly stimulating would always cause her to act out selfishly." -p.212

"It's said that there are four basic fears inherent to the nature of existence - you can have some of these fears no matter how well you might have been raised. They are the Fear of Dying, the Fear of Having to Choose, the Fear of Ending up Alone, and the Feat that the World Is Intrinsically Meaningless." -p.214

"In Japan, there was a deep tradition of honoring one's family specifically by maintaining the ancestral home. Their language makes a distinction between 'temporary family,' which includes only those around today, and the 'real family,' which includes the ancestors - meaning that just because you're alive doesn't mean you're more important." -p.224

[Jonathan Hiskes · Rating 5 out of 5]

A series of well-told, engaging stories about families of all sorts working their way through hardship of all sorts. It's not an intellectual "ideas" book in the obvious sense, but I think its central idea is actually quite important: All families face struggles, and what matters is how they work through them. And the stories of everyday people are every bit as worthy of attention as the stories of famous people. One of my favorites for this year (along with Kiese Laymon's "Heavy.")

[Christopher · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the second book I've read by Po Bronson. The first, What Should I Do With my Life?, I read in 2007 and then 5 or 6 times again since then. It's that good. This one is on the same level. I love reading people's life stories. These stories are happy, sad, inspiring, encouraging, hopeful, and some, hard to read. I found myself crying on some of them. But they are all beautiful and real and touch a deep place in my heart.

[Lauren Wallentine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is basically a collection of short stories. They are encouraging stories of real life. My favorite quote: "marriage isn't hard work, it's worthwhile work." I love that Po Bronson tells the stories of every day people, they have something to share and teach. I love books that help me see things from someone else's perspective.

[Dr. Kerin Groves · Rating 5 out of 5]

Po Bronson gives everyone with a wacky family tree the permission to accept it and move on. I'm a therapist, and I recommend this book to clients who think they are all alone in struggling with a love/hate dynamic in their family.

[Kristy Webb · Rating 5 out of 5]

At the time I read this book, I was going through a very rough patch in my life and needed some clarity. This book helped open my viewpoint of experiences and gave me knowledge and more understanding of relationships.

[Anita · Rating 3 out of 5]

Stories of families that survive troubles and trials.

[Sue Gross · Rating 2 out of 5]

Even though families argue, or are driven apart, most of their stories of trying to reconnect are worth reading.

[Geovan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the first book that I have read in a long time and I got lucky to start with the one that made me think so much about myself and others.

[Nancy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Good stories -- just too much commentary by the author.

[Allysworld]

Excellent good. Collection of stories of how people change

[Georgia Buchanan · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an aspiring journalist, I loved the way Bronson captured intimate stories with delicacy. Great people, great tales. Many lessons noted from this read! Perfect for a nightly installment.

[Bri · Rating 4 out of 5]

was assigned this book for a class and ended up bringing it on a roadtrip. my best friend and i took turns sharing the stories. good memories associated with this beautiful book.