The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You're Not a Kid Anymore

by Marla Paul

When Marla Paul returned to a Chicago suburb after a 5-year stint in Dallas, she found herself without the true core of friends she once had there or the close circle of pals she enjoyed while in Dallas. Bewildered and frustrated at how hard it was to make new friends, Paul felt like the only one not invited to the party.

So she wrote about her experience one Sunday in the Chicago Tribune , and later in Ladies' Home Journal . But she was embarrassed. She thought she was the only one having a hard time. Was Paul alone? Hardly. The response was overwhelming.

Women across the country began contacting Paul with sentiments and experiences echoing her own. Using feedback from hundreds of women, as well as interviews with top friendship experts, she began writing a regular column on women's friendships for the Chicago Tribune , casting light on this previously silent problem of epic proportions.

Now, she brings her culled wisdom to women everywhere, proving to them that they are in friendly company. Focusing on major life events that can crack and even shear a friendship-- having (or not having) children, becoming divorced or widowed, moving, leaving the office to stay home-- Paul charts a path to find new friends and community. Other chapters include finessing the inevitable challenges to friendship, like conflict, jealousy, and feeling neglected; creating a neighborhood community; finding Internet pals; and closing the generation gap on friendship. She also explores the behaviors that wreck a friendship and the ones that strengthen it.

With creative and solid tried-and-true tips for finding, making, and keeping friends, Paul shows us that laughter and friendship needn't end just because we aren't kids anymore.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Friendship, Personal Development, Relationships, Psychology, Mental Health

Hardcover

First published March 1, 2004

Reviews

[Shea · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm torn about this book; on one hand, I thought I would get more out of it than I did, but on the other hand, it was still helpful and interesting.
I found that most of the chapters didn't necessarily pertain to me personally (I don't have widowed friends, or even a lot that have kids, and I haven't moved in a few years) I did find myself taking a lot of notes and getting a lot out of the book. It was nice to read little passages from real people and think, that's happened to me! Or, I should have handled that this way...
I think with friendships it's easy to forget that it does take work, either when you're making a new one or trying to keep an old one. I think this book reminded me of that, and gave me a lot of good advice on how to handle my friendships with people. For instance, there was a part in the book that talked about having issues with a friend, and what you should do about it. One of the people who had wrote in to Paul summed it up for me: you can either let it go, or confront them about it. While that seems really easy, it's nice to have someone spell it out for you, to simplify it and say look, either get over it or mention it, but don't let it stew. That's advice I've actually used (and gave!) recently.
I think this is a valuable book just for the sheer fact that we all have friendships, and we all struggle with them from time to time. It's good to be reminded that it's not just us, and to also be reminded how to deal with issues that might arise. Like I said, I took a lot of notes while reading this book, and hopefully I remember to use them in the future!

[Marina · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was a struggle to get through.

My main critiques:
1) For no apparent reason (and contrary to marketing), this book is written exclusively for middle-aged women. Implicitly, it's pretty clear that it's only for White, rich, cishetero women... which is way more specific than the title implies. My favorite absurd examples:
▪ What separates busy women who have time for friends from those who don’t? Attitude. My response: umm... probably wealth and privilege.
▪ How does Holly fit them in? By including them in her gym workouts and fitness walks during lunch and on weekends [...] Schedule your manicures, pedicures, or highlights together. My response: lol sure because you take it as a given that everyone already has time and money for these.
▪ “I felt like I’d been stabbed,” recalls Samantha. “I thought, ‘Oh, I get it. If I had a private jet, you’d go with me.’ I didn’t know what to believe about us as friends anymore.” My response: This is satire. Please tell me this is satire and you’re not genuinely suggesting my friends will leave me for someone with a private jet… Or that you think this is at all in the realm of a normal conversation to have???

2) The author doesn't have any background in this topic other than having talked to other women just like herself (the number of times source are listed as executives, or stay-at-home moms, or business owners... is a lot). My favorite absurd example:
▪ It’s hard to imagine a more hourly challenged woman than Holly, 51, an executive for a national nonprofit company in New York City… My response: No, it's really not hard to imagine.

3) The author isn't a good journalist or at least, not adept at interpreting data or picking good sources. I have no idea why editors didn’t call this out throughout the book. Some of the most upsetting examples:
▪ Employed, married women with children are the most free-time-deprived people in the country. A February 2002 Child magazine survey found that before having children, women spend 14 hours per week with friends, but they spend only five hours after having kids. My response: This just isn’t true, the sociological research says it's Hispanic low-income women actually... unsurprisingly, this is simply not a real source for accurate data collected in a responsible way.
▪ Many women are suffering similar pangs of estrangement. Some 43.4 million people moved to a new home between 1999 and 2000, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, with 8.4 million relocating to another state. While out-of-state moves are the most traumatic, even relatively short hops from the city to the suburbs can cause disconnection. My response: This is not what this statistic says!!!! Those people could’ve been moving back closer to home, escaping difficult situations, and moving alone doesn’t guarantee that people are lonelier than before. Huge unwarranted assumption.

4) This book is simply outdated - both in terms of cultural norms and in understanding of how the internet and social media would shape friendships by 2023. This isn't quite the author's fault, but I wish she had expected that her final chapter about "Web sites" would become outdated within a few years, so such specificity about which websites to visit and how to use them was a waste of her time to describe.
▪ When Betsy walks into a PTA meeting or a party, her body tenses as if she were in physical danger, her heart crashing against her ribs. She’s hypervigilant, her heightened radar set to detect any hint that she’s not welcome. “I have a default setting that says, at best, I’m barely tolerated. I feel that if I do go up and make mindless small talk, that it won’t work and people won’t respond to me and suddenly I won’t have any idea what to say.” My response: This is simply untreated social anxiety, it’s so inappropriate to say Betsy should get over it with some self-help books… Please validate this genuine medical condition! It’s really darn hard to deal with.
▪ I don’t need you to tell me what to do, I need you to listen,” I’ve snapped at my poor husband numerous times. Many men, it seems, also have an abbreviated attention span for hearing your distress—limited to a commercial break or the blink of time between turning the sports pages of the morning newspaper. But talking to another woman about a problem is like falling into a bed of pillows. My response: This is an absurd simplification that doesn’t take into account socialized gender norms and how they’re not inherent to men/women? And your husband should listen to you for more than 30 seconds at a time! Gosh let’s please not normalize this!

It wasn't all a wasted effort in reading this book! I had some useful takeaways from some of the content:
▪ Virtually every new life chapter has the potential to disrupt friendships: moving; leaving an office to stay home; divorce; the death of a spouse; retirement; illness. These seismic shifts can topple the walls of community

▪ Let’s do a reality check. Sure, some of the moms are buddies. But the assumption that everyone has been secretly sworn in to an exclusive sorority—and YOU’RE NOT INVITED!—is dead wrong. Being “new” blurs the lens through which you view others’ relationships. Because you feel out of it, you assume everyone else is in.

▪ But until it does [come up], don’t try to justify your new status with explanations like, “I used to be the director of human resources, now I’m just home with my baby.” “If you walk into a situation and act apologetic you get a different reception than if you say, ‘I’m a home-based mom, and I’m lucky to be home with my kids,’” says Bullen. “If you’re feeling insecure about your status, it would be hard to make new friends.”

▪ Without outside companionship, married women demand more from their husbands. “He has to be your husband, your best friend, and your acquaintances. It’s hard for a person to fill all those needs—in fact, basically impossible,”

▪ When women reveal their deeper selves, bonding accelerates. Even so, in such groups—like book, parenting, or spirituality circles—it may take six to eight weeks before relationships start to gel.

▪ But what about those people who drop the ball in a crisis, the ones who disappear and disappoint? Do you jettison them because they didn’t live up to your definition of friend? Suzy, who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when she was 32, has softened towards the people who let her down. Initially, she crossed them off her list, mentally tracing an indelible black mark across the names of women who didn’t call or visit. “I was hurt and confused,” she says. “I remember thinking bitter thoughts about their deficiencies.” But after time, she began to realize, “There are some people who can’t handle it. I was so young and had lived a healthy lifestyle. A lot of people said, ‘If it can happen to her, it can happen to me.’ It scared them.” On the other hand, some people she hadn’t been close to wrote her compassionate notes and brought gifts and meals. “They were givers,” she said. “In a crisis, they find a place for themselves.”

▪ Here are some questions to hone your instincts about whether a woman is worthy of your trust and friendship:
1. Do you feel like she’s truly listening to you, or does she just want to talk about herself?
2.Can she accept your thoughts and feelings without judging or criticizing you?
3.Does she share information about herself, or is it one-sided? For a relationship to feel mutual, she needs to open up to you, too.
4.Does she gossip or spill other people’s confidences or criticize them? If she does, then she’ll probably do the same to you.

▪ When you’re trying to snare a new pal, it’s reasonable to initiate three get-togethers. After that, though, if the other person doesn’t reciprocate, it’s time to reassess. Does she work full time, have kids and a horde of friends? She’ll be less available than a woman who has fewer ties and demands on her time. While she may enjoy your company, you’ll need to take a number to see her. Temperament is another factor. Some women crave daily contact with friends; others need more space.
You can’t force a relationship to take root, no matter how much you cultivate it.

▪ She may say she likes being with you, but it’s too much for her to meet once a week. Maybe she prefers once a month. If you can accept her rhythm, you can preserve the connection. “If you don’t have that conversation, you run the risk of losing the relationship altogether,” says Jordan.

▪ Rejection stings like sunscreen in your eyes. But it’s rarely because of anything you did wrong. It’s almost always about the other person—her limited time (she has enough friends) or her needing something you don’t have, no matter how charming you are.

▪ Indeed, sharing dissonant feelings with a friend builds up your relationship’s muscle. It’s like hoisting heavier weights in a workout. Whenever I’ve told a friend that something between us felt amiss, that very act affirmed that she was important to me. It also gave my friend permission to bring up anything that bothered her in the future. It’s the equivalent of paving a new road, one that either of you can drive on.

[Alyssa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great suggestions for women who are new moms, divorcees, widows. Not so great for men or single women who want to widen their circle. A quick read. "Bowling Alone" by Robert Putnam is a better choice if you're interested in why dynamics of friendship are shifting...

[Lisa Burgos · Rating 3 out of 5]

Marla Paul tells the readers that as an adult, it may be harder work as compared to in youth it came more effortlessly, there is hope. She tells us that we do have to have an attitude that friendship is very important.

[Dale Offret · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book looking for a "Friendship for Dummies" or "Friendship 101" type book. This book is geared toward women who are looking to find friendship or re-kindle old friendship. I has sage advice for people, not just women, of all age on the topic of establishing and maintaining friendships.

The book gave me a great foundation of understanding and background information on friendships I have had.

I recommend this book to those who struggle making friends, or don't truly see the need to have strong friends.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

pretty good book about adult women's friendships. Anecdote-packed, drawing on her own experiences, those of her friends, and people who wrote her in response to newspaper columns about the difficulty of finding good friends once you're out of school. She addresses some specialty topics such as the difficulty of staying friends with other women once one of you has kids and the other doesn't, and the promise and pitfalls of email/internet friends and of intentionally forming larger groups such as book clubs or knitting circles. The tone is breezy, the advice solid, throughout. The discussions of how to be a good listener and how to give or receive criticism were particularly thoughtful.

As a man and someone who's very low in extraversion and is pretty much content with having a few close friends i've known since 7th grade and a large circle of friendly acquaintances from work or my running hobby, I realize I'm not the target audience, but some of the anecdotes of friendship maintenance and friendship breakups made me nervous that I've been too neglectful of my friends. Are a lot of grown-ups really this into their birthdays, for instance? A decent percentage of the problems or misunderstandings seemed to revolve around someone's forgetting, or making an insufficient fuss over, another's birthday.

[Rebeca · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book offers some good tips. However it's becoming a little dated; as it was first published in the year Facebook was founded, it's a bit shocking to read a chapter on online friendships and not find Facebook or WhatsApp mentioned in it.

[Ojal Maps · Rating 2 out of 5]

When I picked up this book, I expected it to be aimed at 20-somethings or young adults transitioning into adulthood after college. However, the book is primarily directed toward mothers juggling families, kids, and possibly a job while trying to maintain friendships. The author acknowledges that moving to a new city, changing jobs, or going through a significant life change can bring on feelings of loneliness, but emphasizes that these feelings are temporary. The book challenges the common excuse of being "too busy" for friends, advocating instead for making the most of the time you do have. It suggests that as life evolves, friendships naturally change, and that accepting this is key. The author also discusses the challenges of balancing kids and marriage and how these dynamics can impact female friendships. Additionally, the book touches on how remote work, while convenient, can contribute to isolation and recommends joining professional groups or connecting with colleagues online. While making friends as a kid often comes easily due to shared classes or proximity, adult friendships require more intentional effort. Ultimately, the author reminds readers that friends are crucial for reminding us that we’re not alone.

[Martha · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked up this book because a scientific study from it about friendship was referenced in a book I *loved*. So I thought this would be a somewhat scientific perspective on female friendships and loneliness in society. It is … not that. It’s the Lean In for friendship horribly combined with mistaking anecdote for evidence.

It is an interesting time capsule into 25 years ago, I guess. But we know from the research in that time that loneliness has only deepened in our society (especially with the pandemic isolating people further) and so the “just try harder” rallying cry just does not cut it.

Some gems (given with all the eye rolls I can muster after using them all reading this book):
- paraphrased “if you are emotional ask yourself, do I have PMS?” because that might be why people don’t want to be friends with you 🙄
- a section entitled “how to pick up older women”
- a whole chapter devoted to “cyberfriendships” 🫣

[Mackenzie Scott · Rating 3 out of 5]

I understand is but her styles was very "Forgettable name who worked this job that has nothing to do with anything in Random Cityville has this to say about friendships." Was fun for the first half, then I just read the rest to finish it. Not all of the chapters will apply to everyone in their current stage of life. 3 stars instead of 2 because the advice is good and some personal stories are endearing.

[Natalyn Arevalo · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It covered friendships from so many different angles, from perspectives I never even considered. I have more appreciation now for my current friendships and I feel ready to be more social and outgoing with others now as well. Ive also learned about new ways and different avenues to make more friends.

[Kasey Dietrich · Rating 1 out of 5]

Way too specific for me. Doesn't give a general overview or general advice for how to approach friendship.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pleasant enough. Common sense, nothing earth shattering.

[Maureen Corbett · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s more geared toward mothers and wives, but I enjoyed it!! Full of great stories, perspectives, and suggestions

[Helena · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you are a middle-aged or older straight woman who is either a mother, a divorcee, or a widow, this book is for you. It's well written and engaging. However, if that doesn't describe you, then this book is not up your alley because the audience is narrowly defined.

[Tom Quinn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a divorced, remarried grown-up who moved across the country, changed jobs, and turned 30. Is it any wonder my social circle has gotten smaller and smaller with time? "The Friendship Crisis" is not a cure-all, step-by-step guide for meeting new people despite what its subtitle suggests ("Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends when You're not a Kid Anymore"). But it was comforting to know that I'm not alone in feeling lonely.

Marla Paul writes with a very warm and compassionate tone throughout, and works in surprisingly poetic language for a non-fiction book. Her sentence structure is varied, making for a quick pace you don't often see in this genre. The target audience is women, but I figured most of this is universal to all people.

As for the content itself, we have lots of quotes from interviews with relatable adults in similar situations. But the advice is pretty straightforward and "common sense" -- make time for people, prioritize friendship, reach out to strangers and newcomers. Join a support group or a club or a class. These aren't groundbreaking ideas, and they're nothing readers probably haven't advised themselves to do in various pep talks already. I suppose that's where the "self" comes into "self-help." The book won't magically make you new friends, but it will help ease the feeling of self-doubt ("Am I the only one who...?") that nags at a lot of us.

3 stars out of 5.

[Cindywho · Rating 2 out of 5]

I saw this title reviewed in Library Journal and it piqued my interest. I'm often wondering if I don't have enough local friends and about the conflict between my needs for contact and solitude. It's an easy and comforting read, chock full of anecdotes and validation. It's a relatively short book so the scope is a little narrow, focusing on friendships between women only and it barely touched upon the difficulties of financial disparities between friends - even though a lot of her anecdotal women go shopping together... But the tone is friendly and there are useful ideas in it. The funny thing is, during the time I was reading it on my commute, I've been working on a couple new friendships and come into contact with some old friends. (June 29, 2005)

[Chris · Rating 1 out of 5]

I went into this with the wrong expectations. For instance, it never occurred to me it would be solely written for women. It was also a lot more 'self-helpy' than I thought it'd be. And it failed at that. It's full of anecdotes about woman who are really lonely/have trouble making friends, but then the author will just go on to give advice, but it's never woven in what became of any of the people. Also, the advice is really banal stuff-"Give people space" "Join a knitting club!", etc. There have been a lot of studies of the dearth of modern friendship (digital world, lack of work/life balance, etc. and personally making new, close friends as a coupled 30something has been beyond difficult) but this book isn't it.

[Adrian S · Rating 1 out of 5]

I ended up with this book by mistake (I wanted to buy something else), but I was stuck on an airplane for 9 hours without anything else to do so I read it anyway.

As much as I could gather, the book is [poorly] written by and exclusively for suburban mothers, promoting a typical "soccer mom" brand of friendship while remaining unaware that not everyone might want to socialize in that way (and probably none of the girls I know).

But at the same time it was interesting to imagine what my own mother and grandmother might have gone through when they, too, slowly ended up socially isolating themselves in their married lives. For their own sake and health, I now wish they would have invested more in their social circles. Us kids would have been fine anyway.

[Melinda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't read all of this book. I really focused on chapters that I felt were pertinent to my life. So I read about 3 chapters: how to deal when your friends get married or have kids and friendships between younger and older women. I appreciated the structure of the book a lot. The author uses women's personal experiences to explain boths sides of the end of a friendship. It's nice to see a conflict from multiple perspectives and have the opportunity to reflect on other person's view of the issues in a particular friendship. All in all it was good, but a little too focused on typical women's lives and friendships (e.g. stay at home mom's or women climbing the corporate ladder).

[Astrid Haas · Rating 2 out of 5]

I bought this book after reading an article in the NYTimes where it was referenced. Usually this turns out to be a good yardstick to find good books. Not in this case. The premise of the book itself is interesting and can really be discerned from the first chapter. The rest of the chapters are pretty useless in making the point and speak to a demographic (sub-urban American women) that I have a hard time associating with. I think there would have been a lot of potential in this book if it had been written differently and was more generalisable rather than taking a bunch of quotes from different women. I would say stick to the associated NYTimes article and that is sufficient

[Sandy Champagne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Depending on your motives for picking this one up, it was an okay resource. Personally, I wanted input on how to make friends as an adult as I seem to be really staggering in this area; however, - while there were small nuggets in the arena of my interest - this book is mostly about how to nurture and keep friendships that are healthy and nurturing from fizzing out in the face of adult life challenges. As someone mentioned below, the text is a little outdated though it has some real life applications in the above mentioned keeping of friendships (and even more important - in some cases - when to let friendships go). Not a bad read but needs a new edition.

[Dee Renee Chesnut · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book seems to be directed at other women-divorced, widowed, young professional, and stay-at-home moms. She offers advice about building a community. She reassures the reader it is OK to have both acquaintances and friends. I'm not sure she completely explains why younger friends want to be part of your surrogate family. Online friends are discussed. It still seems like too much effort is required to maintain adult friendships.

[Meghan Hasselberg-Reitz · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a fellow therapist. It was during my transition from college to real-life. It was difficult as I found who my real friends were and who completely dropped out of my life. I was grieving the loss of friendships. It really didn't help me in that process. So if you are going through something like that I might check out other books over this one.

[FotoLisaW · Rating 1 out of 5]

I did get from one cover to the other but I found myself skipping huge chunks that I didn't apply to me. I have read other similar books that have done a better job of being inclusive without making you want to skip any of it. Poorly written and the special section inserts are poorly placed amongst the text forcing me to flip back & forth pages just to finish a sentence!

[Jami Huffman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't read this whole book because I didn't think it was necessary but I did think it was a great book to at least look at. I thought it help reinforce things, make you see things clearly thought perhaps you always knew, and just a good reminder of what a good friend looks like

[Donna D'Angelo Struck · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars

Some helpful bits but mostly skimmed as a lot was not applicable to my life at this time. Text is a bit dated from a technology standpoint and I would be interested in a post-social media version of some sections. Barring that, other topics of friendship are timeless.

[Rebecca]

Need to read this again.

[Amy]

I liked this book, but a lot of it didn't seem relevant to me personally so I didn't finish it.

[Beth A. · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had interesting stories about women and their friendship or lack of. It was short and easy to read. Unfortunately, I didn't actually learn anything. This book was too vague in its advice.