Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding & Connecting with Your Partner

by Cindy N. Ariel

Loving Someone with AspergerOCOs Syndrome is an essential resource for anyone in a relationship with a partner who has AspergerOCOs. This book explains how AspergerOCOs may cause problems in a relationship and offers help for communicating, coparenting, and building an emotional connection with a partner who has AspergerOCOs syndrome."

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Health, Self Help, Mental Health, Aspergers

ebook

First published March 1, 2012

Reviews

[Katrina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is helpful for getting insight into your Aspie partner's mind, however it puts WAY too much responsibility on the Neurotypical. This book could easily discourage someone and cause them to feel as though all the issues in the relationship were their responsibility as well as devaluing what the AS partner can bring to the relationship. It's important that both people put in the work and all too often this book leaves the sacrifices up to only one person.

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked some parts of this book and HATED most of it. The assumption that Ariel makes is that the Neurotypical (NT) (the partner without Asperger's) is the one that has to make any all and changes. This book pretty much gives the Aspie partner a free pass to keep doing whatever they have been doing. As someone that is in this situation, I really became enraged that I have to be the one to change in every situation and that my Aspie partner doesn't need to. I also felt that Ariel minimized the emotional impact of being partners with someone who is an Aspie. The raising children part really bugged me. She writes that often Aspie partners belittle their children because they don't feel compassion for them and that children rarely follow logical plans which confuse Aspie parents. So, what is the solution? Of course the solution is that the NT parent has to be completely aware of this and make sure to either never leave a child alone with the Aspie partner or to be the one to address all of these issues with the Aspie. Urgh! Just because someone is an Aspie, does not mean that they cannot learn behaviors that help with the relationship. I am not a fan of this book. It might provide some useful background for a couple dealing with a new diagnosis, but it completely puts all emphasis on what the NT has to do and does not even discuss what the Aspie needs to do.

[Kelsey · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have very mixed opinions about this book.

Even though this book was written in 2012, it already feels outdated in more ways than one. I strongly agree with Hawthorn M's review. I found the pronoun use inconsistent and thus confusing, and the gender stereotyping was frustrating.

Additionally, I could never figure out the tone. The author would warn the reader not to infantilize their partner in one breathe and then give advice that did just that in another.

I would recommend this book as a chance to cherry-pick what may work for you rather than an all-out guidebook. Remember that healthy relationships come from communication, respect, compromising, and teamwork!

[Nandini · Rating 2 out of 5]

WARNING: Don't trust any of my reviews of Asperger-relationship books. I have no perspective at this point.

I pretty much hated this book because it tells NT spouses to make way too many accommodations.

[Lisa Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m dating someone with Asperger’s. We’ve never fought but we have had disagreements that we were able to talk through. But one disagreement left me feeling alone and abandoned. It took me back to my marriage and I relived it for days. I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t eat or drink. I couldn’t even read or watch tv. But now that I have read this book, I understand now that my boyfriend needs to have his “alone” time where he isolates and hyper focuses on his interests at home. I highly recommend this book to anyone that is in love with someone with Asperger’s syndrome.

[J.S.A. Lowe · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bloody depressing, because really only useful if your AS partner is stepping up to do a great deal of fairly high-relating couples work. Which it is not necessarily in his [sic] nature to do.

[Kelley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too many assumptions made in this book.

[Freya · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent complement to "22 Things Every Woman Should Know About Dating A Man with Asperger's Syndrome." It's more in depth and more positive, optimistic, yet realistic about the challenges of dating a man with AS if you're an NT (neurotypical or non-Asperger's).

It gives practical advice and clear insight into how a man with AS experiences his world, the people in it and romantic relationships. I found myself identifying with a lot of the scenarios portrayed in the book and what I appreciate about this book is that it gives practical solutions and life strategies on how to mitigate triggers and problems that arise rather than just warnings and advice.

People with AS are wired differently. There is no rewiring available and in many ways there shouldn't be. Rather it's learning how to interact with a different set of rules and systems. OS vs. Microsoft, android vs. iPhone. Once you understand the wiring then you can reset expectations of yourself, him, the relationship and navigate more successfully.

I really like the relationship contract advice given in this book that is helpful for all couples regardless if they have AS or not. It's a practical tool of accountability to ensure that both people are being respectful, loving, trusting and remembering what's important to the other person. I would say it would be an essential tool to help navigate any romantic relationship in this regard.

I think one of the main values of this book is understanding how NT's and AS's are wired and striving not to change that but to accept it and adapt. Also to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and hold onto those focuses when the mind wants to steer off and focus on the negative. We all have this potential, to lose sight of what really matters and what's really valuable and it's our mind's nature to compete with our hearts for dominance. Many health books point this out.

I like that the book emphasizes reframing emotional issues that the NT may experience into logical reasoning that the AS can interpret and understand. If you think of it like Google Translate...that's a helpful image to conjure in your mind as the NT needs to translate the problems into a language the AS can understand, identify with and deem relevant.

A helpful book, I recommend it highly.

[Narin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this book because I fell in love with the man who was Asperger. And over the past few months, a lot has happened. Things that confuse me. I think it would be nice if I could get to know him better. And I want to make the relationship between him and me develop in a good way.

This book tells us how to love them. Therefore, this book offers us an honest choice. You will find that many sections tell NT to understand, change and improve in this relationship. And I think it's very straightforward. I think maybe that’s because improving ourselves is easier and more feasible than try to change other. We shouldn’t expect Asperger to change. The more we expect The more we suffer. (I don't mean they can't changed. I believe they can change if they want to change by themselves.)

It's hard not to feel confused or sad in this relationship. After I read this book. I tried to follow the instructions. And I still feel confused and sad at times. But what different is that I was only briefly sad because I became more aware of and understood what he was.

And even though we won't be lovers in the end. But I was very happy with everything that we went through together. It was really a very precious time. I have learned to love without expectation and understand the difference. And this is a very good lesson for me.

So, for me this book is a good one

[Kate Frishman · Rating 1 out of 5]

What utter garbage

This book is completely focused on the non-AS partner changing themselves. Apparently, we are supposed to change the way we communicate and lower our expectations. Once we have done that, it will somehow facilitate having a happy, loving relationship. I read this book cover to cover searching for anything that felt even remotely supportive of this situation. Instead, I found nothing but crap.

[Noelle Campbell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was an important part of accepting my husband's way of dealing with the world and my way of dealing with him. It's realistic and straightforward. It's not so wordy that you will get lost in technical or psychological jargon. It's very approachable. I recommend it to all people married to someone with Aspergers.

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recently realized my father almost certainly has Asperger's Syndrome, and there aren't many/any books written about dealing with an AS parent. This book was incredibly helpful as I processed a new understanding of how my father thinks and how I can best have a relationship with him.

[Anna Tulou · Rating 4 out of 5]

Found this book very helpful but recommend with a strong caveat that I didn't appreciate the frequent framing of aspergers as a disorder rather than a difference. However, some of the perspectives and strategies were very helpful.

[Wade Rials · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book. Solid information. Not written from a Christian perspective so some of the recommendations would be out of bounds. This area could really benefit from a Scripture based approach.

[Sheri McLaughlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was beneficial and insightful. Life isn’t fair, but love is worth the challenges. I highly recommend, especially if you suspect you may be in a neuro-diverse relationship.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Don’t ask LOL. So clarifying, VALIDATING, and relieving.

[Dora · Rating 2 out of 5]

I knew too much and was born too late to learn from this book, but it was not completely useless.

[Ralitsa Kostova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spot on! Super validating book with tips and tricks (that some of us had to learn the hard way) but work 100%. Very positive outlook on things, and a dose of reality check.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

How does someone ask someone else to read this before it’s too late?

[Erika Nerdypants · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book for couples dealing with Asperger's syndrome. I didn't really know very much about this diagnosis, and so found the information very interesting. The book gives much practical advice for both the partner with Asperger's and also the partner who is "neurotypical". One of the most pervasive symptoms of this disorder is an often misunderstood aloofness, and I imagine just accepting that your partner is hard wired very differently from the norm, would help to take the sting out of perceived neglect, one of the most common problems in an Asperger's relationship.
But above and beyond that, this book offers sound relationship advice for anyone, honest, forthright communication, negotiation of space and togetherness, and continuing to have a life of your own, while maintaining a healthy partnership.

[Michelle now at StoryGraph · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eye-opening and insightful book. Although we don't have an official diagnosis, and may never pursue one, this book offered lots of information on the challenges a couple can encounter and successfully work through, if one of them has Asperger's Syndrome. I admit to skipping over most of the problem-solving exercises, because I was reading purely for information, and because we have long ago worked through most of the difficult situations identified in the book. But I also found the explanations, to many upsetting behaviors of the past, reassuringly explained in the pages of this book.... "I know my husband loves me, but why is he acting this way?" I would recommend this book to any couple when one of them is on the autism spectrum.

[Lenny Husen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This wasn't bad, but was tedious, very repetitious, and boring.
It is mostly a Workbook. I think the author is very likely an excellent therapist for couples where Asperger's is an issue. Everything she said made a lot of sense.

The best part was examples of situations with AS-Neurotypical couples. I wish there had been more examples.

[Michael Philliber · Rating 2 out of 5]

Mostly for the neurotypical partner who is in a relationship with someone dealing with Asperger's Syndrome. There are some good suggestions on how to help the relationship to flourish, and this could be a useful resource for counseling homework.

[Erin]

really helpful

[Cat Cantrell Perry · Rating 5 out of 5]

VERY helpful. Great book!