Keeping Family Secrets: Shame and Silence in Memoirs from the 1950s

by Margaret K. Nelson, Janet Metzger (Reader)

All families have secrets but the facts requiring secrecy change with time. Nowadays a lesbian partnership, a "bastard" son, or a criminal grandfather might be of little or no consequence but could have unraveled a family at an earlier moment in history. Margaret K. Nelson is interested in how families keep secrets from each other and from outsiders when to do otherwise would risk eliciting not only embarrassment or discomfort, but profound shame and, in some cases, danger. Drawing on over 150 memoirs describing childhoods in the period between the aftermath of World War II and the 1960s, Nelson highlights the importance of history in creating family secrets and demonstrates the use of personal stories to understand how people make sense of themselves and their social worlds. Keeping Family Secrets uncovers hidden stories of same-sex attraction among boys, unwed pregnancies among teenage girls, the institutionalization of children with mental and physical disabilities, participation in left-wing political activities, adoption, and Jewish ancestry. The members of ordinary families kept these issues secret to hide the disconnect between the reality of their own family and the prevailing ideals of what a family should be. Keeping Family Secrets sheds light not only on decades-old secrets but pushes us to confront what secrets our families keep today.

Genres: Nonfiction, Sociology, History

1 pages, Audio CD

Published November 8, 2022

Reviews

[Philip Cohen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Margaret K. Nelson has written a penetrating and insightful account of how social norms and institutions lead to family secrets, which in turn shape our experiences of family life. Whatever the complicated reasons people have for creating secrets, their consequences unfold unpredictably and unevenly across the history of a family and the society at large. Just as family secrets generate both inclusion and exclusion - who knows, who doesn't, and where the lines are drawn - they also reflect the inequities of the wider society. It wasn't just tormented individuals, but a tormented 1950s society itself, that so often commanded, "We will never speak of this again."

[JoAnn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was very excited to read this book by sociologist, Margaret Nelson. As a historian of mid-twentieth century culture and politics, the title alone was titillating enough. Keeping Family Secrets did not disappoint.

The book is divided into sections, each one addressing a particularly scandalous (for the time) family secret: homosexuality among boys (in particular), having a "red", Communist-leaning parent (or one accused of being a "Commie"), the institutionalization of a sibling or a child, having Jewish ancestry, and others. To our contemporary minds, such facts of life are hardly worth mentioning in some communities; no one would bat an eye at a child of unwed parentage, for example, in most communities today. But that is where Nelson's historical scholarship shines. Keeping Family Secrets transports the reader to an era in which such things did matter and mattered a lot. The book focuses not only on the scandal itself, but more so on the consequences of those scandals on the other family members and the long-term trauma and emotional damage they experience long after society has moved on from the shock of such events. The bulk of Nelson's sources were published memoirs of siblings, survivors, and family members. Indeed, there are fantastic references for further reader for readers interested in specific histories and stories.

Embedded in the historical and archival analysis are the voices of the family members who suffered innocently, either as children or as siblings, as a result of their families' secrets. What Nelson reveals is the collective, societal, and intergenerational trauma that forced conformity and cultural norms can inflict across decades.

Keeping Family Secrets is highly accessible, not only in terms of content, but in its prose and language. It delivers a very readable piece of non-fiction. I hesitate to suggest it would be good for an undergraduate college audience, but parts of it would be enjoyable and easily accessible for use in the classroom or in a course in general.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Keeping Family Secrets: Secrets, Shame and Silence In Memoirs from the 1950’s – Margaret K. Nelson – (2022)
All families have secrets, and this subject is thoroughly explored through the use of literary cultural studies and memoirs. In the 1950’s the life of the Standard North American Family (SNAF) centered around adherence to social and cultural norms of the post WWII era: the traditional family values linked to patriarchy, capitalism, and Christianity/belief in a Christian god.

During this time period SNAF needed to exhibit a robust physical/mental health, fertility, sexual purity for girls and sexual marital fidelity for women, heterosexuality, and socially conforming law-abiding citizenry free of deviant behavior or criminal activity. In six chapters Nelson explored families that hid their disabled children in state funded residential institutions, the challenge of boys concealing same-sex desires, unmarried teen pregnancies and forced adoptions, growing up in communist affiliated homes, learning the truth of conception, and families with Jewish heritage. Due to societal intolerance and judgments families went to great lengths to appear like everyone else and conceal and hide their truths not only among themselves but from their immediate families and surrounding communities. The fear of discovery fueled a deep level of shame, embarrassment, and fears related to public humiliation and/or arrest, loss of income, and a real possibility of danger and harm.

The popularity of television that portrayed the SNAF went from “Father Knows Best” to “Leave it to Beaver” (1950’s-60’s) to a greater societal tolerance and acceptance of the talk show presentations of Phil Donahue to Oprah Winfrey. Memoir as a genre is added and most helpful as readers gain insight in understanding the lives of themselves and others through Nelson’s well researched book. **With thanks to NYU Press via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review.

[Janilyn Kocher · Rating 3 out of 5]

Every family has secrets. Some are quite egregious and others are profound. The author discusses the impacts of six different types of secrets held by families during the 1940s-1980s.
It’s a good conversation starter, although some of the suppositions the author posits are quite subjective.
Thanks to Edelweiss and NYU Press and NetGalley for the advance copy.

[Sarah Burton · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fascinating topics, well researched, but more like a dissertation than a readable book. If anything I may now seek out some of the memoirs cited.

[Justice · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really informative and interesting. Loved how it handled such a range of hard topics and relied on memoirs. No regrets buying this book! Each chapter was interesting and held its own.

[Krissy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Keeping Family Secrets is a nonfiction book that felt more like a summary of more extensive data. Nelson takes several big issues around the theme of shame and silence in the 1950s and then pulls details from a variety of memoirs to explain each issue. She addresses the institutionalization of children with disabilities, same-sex attraction among boys, unwed pregnancies, Communism, adoption, and Jewish ancestry.

This book was an interesting glimpse into the 1950s in the US. Nelson did a great job explaining why each of these issues led to shame and silence throughout the country. Americans were after the “ideal” family, and all of these issues were perceived as detracting from that goal.

Nelson looks at individual memoirs to pull stories for each chapter of her book. It is interesting to note that most of the memoirs were written by people who grew up with these secrets in their families—and decided as adults to expose the secrets.

I felt that this book gives the reader good information. But it felt very sterile and unemotional to me. Perhaps that was the author’s intent. It also felt like a fairly dry summary of other people’s work.

I suppose my impressions of this book are tainted by my expectations. I began this book looking for a deep dive into some of these issues, seeing the emotions involved, and feeling some sort of redemption for the people who lived through these things and reclaimed their power later in life by exposing these secrets. Instead, I left with more general overview of these six issues and why they were taboos in the 1950s. I was left wanting more depth.