One of Them

by Shaneel Lal

A stunning, heart-breaking yet defiant memoir by activist, model and social media sensation Shaneel Lal.

'Shaneel is not like anyone you have ever met. An absolute must-read.' - Ruby Tui

What would you do if you were told by the people you loved the most that the way you were born was evil and wrong?

For Shaneel Lal, this was their reality from the time they were five. Growing up in a tiny, traditional village in Fiji, Shaneel always knew they were different. Still, for the first years of their life, it was idyllic — playing dress-ups in saris with their sister, and hiding under their neighbour's house, playing games with dolls.

But from the time Shaneel started school, they faced condemnation from their family, and then 'therapy' from conservative elders in their village. The elders tried to 'free' Shaneel from the evil spirits they thought were making them queer. Shaneel was kept away from the girls to stop Shaneel from becoming more feminine, and from the boys to stop Shaneel's queerness from spreading to them. Eventually the 'therapy' escalated to beatings and torture.

After escaping Fiji and moving to New Zealand as a teenager, Shaneel tried to keep their sexuality — and gender — to themself, but gradually found the courage to come out.

One day, while Shaneel was volunteering at Auckland's Middlemore hospital, a church leader came up to them and offered to 'pray the gay away'. It was a lightbulb moment for Shaneel, who could not believe that the same practices that had scarred their childhood in Fiji were operating — and legal — in New Zealand.

Determined to ensure others wouldn't have to go through what happened to them, Shaneel founded the Conversion Therapy Action Group, which lead the movement to ban conversion therapy in Aotearoa. In 2022, thanks to Shaneel and other activists' work, New Zealand banned conversion therapy.

This is a story of one person's fight for the right to live their life as they deserved — and their extraordinary work to protect other young New Zealanders.

Genres: Nonfiction, Queer, Memoir, Biography, LGBT, Autobiography, Gender

288 pages, Kindle Edition

Published July 11, 2023

Reviews

[Olivia · Rating 2 out of 5]

There is a part of me that feels bad for rating this lowly, because it’s an important story and needs to be told. I just couldn’t gel with the writing style! It made it really hard for me to enjoy and hindered my perception of the content. The book felt rushed and not edited well. I only really read it to be an ally and support Shaneel as people were hiding it in the shops so that people couldn’t find it.

Overall though, I’m glad it exists as a piece of history (the political stuff) and as a queer indigenous experience for other queer young people to have access to.

[Mrs.Moose.Reads · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful. Emotional. Insightful. I smiled. I laughed. I yelled in frustration. Loved it.

[Emma Reynolds · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was heartbreaking and frustrating. Its been a long time since I've read an autobiography and I've always struggled with reading books written in the first person but this was a heck of a read.
Its a very honest story of a person coming to to terms with who they are, the abuse dealt out 'in the name of love', the subsequent lows and the determination to ensure no one else goes through what they endured.

[Sophia is Reading Today · Rating 5 out of 5]

In my opinion this is a must read no matter your politics or religion. I am a Pākehā straight female Christian and I felt that Shaneel Lal isn't trying to push some secret agenda - just live their life, see their friends live, have joy, make choices. Why isn't this OK? It seems amazing that in 2023 we are still deciding whether it's OK for people to choose how they want to live their life.
I don't have to agree with all their choices, nor are they asking me to - likewise I would expect Shaneel to respect my choices, but not necessarily agree with them.
If I am allowed to live my life and beliefs, I expect others to have the same freedom. My caveat to complete freedom is that we should be morally obliged to look out for the wellbeing of each other.

They are young and angry and this comes across. It made me feel uncomfortable in places, challenged me on some ideas - like a good book should.
Also, this book is well written for someone so young and I read it over two days so very readable - hence 5 stars.

[Reena Kainamu Softail_stories · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bought online as the book was being vandalized, hidden, at book sellers. Had followed the author online (and I became the target of hostile threats). Open writing, sharing intimate vulnerable periods growing up queer in a village, the violence meted at them colonial and religious at the source. Queer culture was normal in precolonisation societies. Beautiful brave writing, can see the tenancity in them fighting for the rights of others to live freely just as they are. Unapologetic fierce memoir.

[Brit Cooling · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible story that is only the beginning for Shaneel Lal. I struggled to put it down until I finished. The struggle and fight they experienced for wanting to be themselves is heartbreaking. The determination they have shown to ban conversion therapy in NZ is truly amazing. They absolutely deserve the title of Young New Zealander of the Year 2023. The first book this year I struggled to put down rather than struggled to finish.

[Roseanne Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

My son gave me a copy of One of Them by Shaneel Lal for Christmas 2023.
I didn't think a person born in 2000 could have anything to say to someone
born in 1954.
Boy, was I wrong!

Shaneel was born in a remote, impoverished Fijian village
and has a lot to say about life in the South Pacific -
especially in Fiji and New Zealand - since the beginning of this millennium.
Lal owns this story. Nobody could cover this terrain with such clear eyes.

Thank you, Shaneel, for opening my eyes and changing my perception of so many things
that I thought I knew. Thank you for all your hard work in bringing about important changes
in the way we understand others.

You will be just 24 on January 22, 2024. What you've achieved in 24 years is mind-boggling.
I would like to see your journey written as a screenplay and turned into a movie and showed to
highschool kids globally.

[Monique Robben · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s so important to read other peoples stories to understand life in greater context. I had no idea of the layers of bigotry that run even in marginalised communities. I feel like I learned a lot from this book (some stuff I wish no one had to learn). I see the terfs are rating it 1* 🙄😒

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfect! Exceeds expectations

[Lee]

I find it hard to give a rating to such a personal and powerful read. Lal is an incredible story teller; it is their journey from childhood through to becoming a young adult who rallied and changed a nation.

It is an intimate exploration of identity and power within and learning to harness that power in order to change the world.

[Emma F · Rating 4 out of 5]

An incredible, moving, heartbreaking memoir and a story that everyone needs to know. I really struggled with the writing style, otherwise it would be rated higher.

[Jude · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm so grateful people have an opportunity to read about the experiences of queer people of colour, and hopefully realise that intolerance is unfortunately still everywhere. I cannot imagine the hurt and challenges thrown at Shaneel on a daily basis, and hope that books like this one will help make the world kinder. Shaneel has achieved so much in advocating for queer people and I'm looking forward to seeing where they go next.

[Sirah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Shaneel was born in a small town in Fiji, where it quickly became apparent that he was gay and that being gay was not okay. Later, realizing that they were nonbinary, Shaneel was in the midst of a movement to stop queer conversion therapies, not the least of which includes the torture that made them want to suicide as a younger teenager. This book follows the story of that Bill's stuttering steps toward passing in New Zealand.

It's hard to rate this book. I don't really like memoirs as a rule, and I don't really go in for the "this is an important book" because that doesn't make it any less hard to read. What I appreciate most is that this book isn't a sensationalized report of all the craziest things that happened to Shaneel but a straightforward recounting of relevant details (and a few irrelevant but human ones). It reminds me that queer issues are not exclusively white issues and that everyone has a voice, even if it's only used to fill out a template and put it in a government dropbox. There are definitely triggering topics throughout, but it's worth the read if you have the mental space for it.

[Matt Akersten · Rating 5 out of 5]

Compelling and heartbreaking tales from a great young activist. They did such important work spearheading the ban on Conversion Therapy in NZ. Glad I read the book and learned more about Shaneel. I’d warmly recommend this book to anyone.

[Idabest · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely reads more like an essay than a novel and I found myself enjoying the essay sections more than the memoir. Shaneel is pretty awesome but man everything in their life that could have gone wrong seems like it did, yikes. We really would still condone conversion therapy in NZ if it was t for a lot of their hard work which is crazy. this book was an eye opening look into our politics here.

[JJ]

I can't believe I read this.

[Elise Sterback · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an inspiring read. Motivated me to be a more active advocate in the politcal causes I care about and I learned a lot about how to be a better ally to BIPOC.

[Laura Giddey · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was great to read about Shaneel's advocacy work for getting rid of the hideous practice of conversion therapy in NZ, something that should never have existed to begin with. It was hard to read about Shaneel's personal experience of this "therapy" and the way they were treated as they worked tirelessly to stand up for people like themselves. I was heartened to read about Amanda Ashley, who I married to her lovely wife Lisa, and her petition which led to the bill being picked up by Labour MP Marja Lubeck. I wish Amanda was here to see what she set into action, and how many people have been saved. I loved Shaneel's honesty and righteous anger.

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a bi, brown, poor New Zealander myself, this memoir had me crying in frustration and sorrow as Shaneel recounts their darkest moments. I'm not exactly sure I can say I "enjoyed" this book, but it is so eye-opening and important to the history of queer Aotearoa/Pasifika people. I was angry with myself that so much of it was new to me, things that I should have been aware of but was ignorant to. 

They have been through so much in their short life. I wanted nothing more than to reach into the pages through time and space to hold this suffering person. They deserve much better from this world than what they got.

One thing I will note is that this could have benefited from another round of editing. There were a scattering of grammar inconsistencies/missing or doubled up words/etc. that should have been caught, so if you're a bit of a nut about it, it might distract you, but I found it still readable. Don't let purist language/grammar ideals get in the way of actually caring about and acknowledging a queer person's experience.

Shaneel's voice is strong in their memoir as it is in their activism online and public speaking, so it definitely won't be digestible for everyone - I myself struggled with the first chapter or two before I settled in. If you are invested in and care about the queer community in any sense, and intersectionality is something you want to see talked about more regarding the queer community, I encourage you to keep reading even if the writing is difficult. Really important points are brought up regarding being queer and brown, brown and poor, non-binary and brown, etc. and I just think we as a people need to acknowledge this more than we do.

To Shaneel: I hope you are able to find some peace in this world. I hope you will be treated softly, that kind hands will gently hold you, and words of unconditional love reach you to give light in times of darkness. Thank you for all you have done for us.

Also, FUCK Tyler.

[Neha · Rating 2 out of 5]

Shaneel Lal is a Fiji- NZ LGBTQIA activist. When they were 5-6 year old kid in Fiji they were punished for being feminine. And they were later put in conversion therapy and were severely abused by elders, teachers and schoolmates. They moved to New Zealand and life was not much different there either. They have to go through hate, racism and even death threats. Later, they co-founded CTAG and have worked to ban conversion therapy in NZ.

Shaneel's story has to be told. People should be aware about everything the LGBTQIA community has to go through even in a country where it is legal for years. Their work with CTAG is admirable. I didn't want to give this book a low rating but, I really didn't enjoy the writing style at all. Most of the book felt like a journal than a memoir. Shaneel is very eloquent and their speeches and tweets are interesting to read. But, I felt that the book was poorly edited and some parts of the book felt like a frustrated rant rather than a memoir/autobiography.

[James · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel very conflicted over this book.

Shaneel's life has endured some very significant horrors which they've trasnformed into triumphs of justice. Banning conversion therapy and having a role in doing so at such a young age was a hugely courageous and just thing to do. Especially since Shaneel suffered the horrors of such practises in Fiji at such a young age. For this, I'd obviously award the maximum number of stars humanly avaliable. The abuse which Shaneel suffered in Fiji is frankly hard to believe, but I am of course not doubting it. Unfortunately this segues directly into the part of the book I'm much less impressed by.

Many have criticized the book's written style. It's true that the book is written quite a utalitarian fashion. However, Shaneel is also clear and direct and it's always easy to understand their stories, their inner thoughts, their struggles and their experiences. I must admit that because Shaneel identifies so strongly with being divergent and different and flamboyant, it's a strange disappointment that the book is so lacking in floridity, metaphor and other less literal expressions of language. I think this has to do with Shaneel's personality though and it's certainly not an overly personal criticism. I didn't struggle with this a lot. I did however, as I always have, find myself conflicted from somewhere around page 123 onwards.

One of the major events that is mentioned is the Pride Festival of 2018(the one where the police and the funding were driven out of the picture). I remember this time well. My partner at the time and people who lived around me were heavily involved in the effort to bring attention to police injustice and played a key role in the transition which caused a lot of the corporate sponsorship to be taken out of the Pride event. It's also from this point onwards that Shaneel makes a lot of claims about systemic racism in the gay community in New Zealand, including during their attempt to win the Mr Gay New Zealand competition. I wouldn't deny the existence of such a thing. Certainly not. However, it is notable that from this point onwards that Shaneel begins to use a very large amount of anecdotal evidence to castigate basically the majority, if not the entirety, of gay white men in general. The book becomes very abolutist, and dare I say it colored by the very kind of divisive politics that we hear so often these days, only from the opposite extreme of the political spectrum.

While there is undeniable validity in recognizing colonialism’s catastrophic disruption of deeply rooted cultural ecosystems—a historical wound that demands redress—there exists a parallel risk of conflating cultural reclamation with an uncritical nostalgia. This narrative often implicitly posits pre-colonial societies as monolithically enlightened, glossing over the complex realities of how all human cultures, past and present, grapple with evolving notions of equity, particularly regarding gender and sexual diversity. Efforts to forge inclusive futures are vital, yet when advocacy prioritizes symbolic purity over intersectional pragmatism, it risks alienating those whose lived experiences exist at the margins of even the most well-intentioned movements. The shift toward ideological absolutism in recent years, though born of urgent idealism, has occasionally replicated the very exclusionary patterns it seeks to dismantle, fostering division where solidarity might otherwise take root.

Making a conscious and political effort from a young age to ban conversion therapy is a laudable achivement beyond all measure. I'm not even going to pretend I'm anything like that brave. But I absolutely support it and for that Shaneel, I truly admire you. I feel this book could have been so much more though. In this age of social media profilicity and identity politics, I feel that this account of your life has wound up being more like a product of it, rather than the exceptional thing it deserves to be.

So please, let it be known very clearly that I truly admire the efforts to ban conversion therapy. I am totally accepting and part of gender diversity. I do however, think that we as the people who want to progress can always stand to be more thoughtful with our language and how we frame our politcized incentives.

[Ocean Almajeda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved reading this book. It hurt to read about Shaneel's experiences of conversion therapy in Fiji. When they made their escape to Aotearoa, I felt relief and a sense of triumph for them.

I was surprised to read that Shaneel spent their teen years in a neighbouring suburb - I grew up in South Auckland too. I resonated with going to school in a conservative, homophobic, transphobic student body, then witnessing the same people worship queer students when it was time to perform on stage. I was shocked to hear that hostilities hadn't improved for the next generation of queer students.

It was comforting to find something in common with Shaneel in being queer in Aotearoa with Pacific/Asian ancestry. It was empowering to have similar thoughts being put into words about European-ness and queerness in this country. In 2020 I wrote a poem entitled, "Racism in the Queer Community" which I wasn't brave enough to share. But here Shaneel is eloquently and confidently expressing these sentiments.

I am not on any social media, and so I don't hear about movements going on in my community. I reflected to my wife that I'm wondering if I'm doing my communities a disservice by not having awareness or involvement in those movements. My wife replied that there are a lot of battlefields, and that we can't fight on every one. They told me that I'm fighting my fight and helping people as a Queer Counsellor. I may or may not have cried at that.

This is an important book, and it's already been in my mind as I've worked in session with LGBTQIA+/MVPFAFF+/Takatāpui whānau.

Lots of love to you, Shaneel.

Here are some of my favouritest quotes:

"My gayness is a blessing, but the gender I am attracted to, a curse."

"My anger has burnt down the walls of my closet and exposed me to the world."

"It is a revolutionary act to be our true selves in a world that is not okay with our existence."

"I can finally look in the mirror and tell myself that I am queer. I am queer like the sky is blue and grass is green. I am queer like the summer is hot and the winter is cold. I am queer because I have survived. I am queer because I am strong. I am queer because I am not ashamed. I am queer because I refuse to live a lie. I am deeply and relentlessly queer."

"It is crucial for us to curate joy while existing in white institutions."

"There is a generation of queer people who are growing up making dangerous mistakes because our role models were killed by the negligence of the state."

"The Pacific is free from the British but enslaved by Christianity... decolonisation ain't for the weak. My own people hate me for it."

"The notions of innocence and vulnerability are not afforded to me because I am brown, immigrant, poor and queer. I need to be miserable to be supported and exceptional to be celebrated."

[Kaila Renee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this!! Shaneel truly has a way with words and I think their voice comes through in this memoir in a very distinctive and powerful way. I've read memoirs which just talk about the different events in people's lives without a distinct arc, which haven't been all that moving or effective. While I'm aware that, in the words of one of my English lecturers, "lives don't have a narrative arc - lives go like this: *draws a big scribble on the whiteboard*", I think one of the strengths of this is that Shaneel has centred it around their experiences of conversion therapy, their struggles and internal conflict, and their fight to ban conversion therapy in Aotearoa. Shaneel's eloquence broke my heart at times and this really highlights the struggle of queer, brown rangatahi, and that even though New Zealand often posits itself as a paradise for human rights, we still have some major work to do to affirm their rights, take the weight of the world off their shoulders and show that we really do care.

Shaneel's memoir is incredibly brave and inspiring. It is heartbreaking that they have had to go through so much in almost exactly the length of my lifetime (turns out we are just 10 days apart agewise lmao), but the person Shaneel is is absolutely extraordinary. 🩵🩷🤍

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you’re not sure what conversion therapy is, or you’re not sure if/why it’s bad, or you think it would be a good idea to pray to change someone’s sexual orientation, please read this book.

There are lots of other reasons to read it too. I mistakenly thought that things were much better for young people in Aotearoa New Zealand than when I was a homophobic school student in the 1990s. Some things have changed, but there’s still a long way to go.

It’s also an inside look at activism and a good explanation of how laws are made and changed in New Zealand, and how our politics works and doesn’t work.

Some of the writing feels very rushed and definitely like it was written by a young person. I would have changed some of it if I was the editor, but I expect that Shaneel and their editor made a deliberate decision to keep this book as Shaneel’s book, written in Shaneel’s voice.

I really hope that Shaneel has had a chance to rest and to have some therapy, some family chats and some romance since this book was published! I’m sure they’ll pop up again to change the world.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a timely and important memoir. It’s not the most engaging memoir I have read but still took a lot away from learning about the transphobic side of Fiji and New Zealand. That even here, we still have work to do to help the trans, non-binary and lessen seen queer identities feel welcomed, accepted, embraced and most important of all - human.

So I do feel terrible, rating this so low and critiquing it because the subject matter is so important but the writing style just did not encapsulate my attention and ti just waned by the end of the memoir. The editing was a bit off which confounded the writing and it just felt off throughout.

The vulnerability that Lal show throughout the pages of this book is raw, honest and inspiring so deserves to be highlighted. No matter how I feel about the logistics of the book, the person behind the book opened themselves up and wrote about what would have been traumatising to relive and write and to do so in a way where we see the journey they have had to go through to become the person they were meant to be.

[Lizzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

In 2021 in response to a post I saw on Instagram I followed a template online to submit a letter to the government calling for a ban on conversion therapy. I had no understanding of any of the grassroots activism or the battle that had been fought to get to that point. I cringe to remember that I was procrastinating doing it because it felt slightly difficult. I am so grateful to Shaneel for doing the work for me to do the bare minimum.
Shaneel Lals autobiography is a harrowing story of their experience of conversion therapy, it is a love story to their chosen family, and it is an impassioned cry for us all to recognise our privilege and hypocrisy. Shantel manages to write about some truly horrific experiences with grace and care, and also brings a lightness to other parts of their story with humour and sarcastic wit keeping you engaged in the story and truly feeling for them. 5 star read. Would definitely recommend. Can’t wait to see what they do next.

[Alexander McStan 82 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unique & heart-wrenching. Shaneel is an activist/model/law student/changemaker of much mana, and I was privileged to read their story.

From their upbringing in Fiji, to high school in Aotearoa and their campaign to ban conversion therapy - one of the most successful petitions in New Zealand history - after a pastor at Middlemore Hospital offered to "pray their gay away", Shaneel's story is personal and confronting. They never shy away from a fight - whether against "white gays" (Google it), colonisation*, the ban on blood donations from gay and bi men, or gender-critical activists.

There are so many things I could list, but a few highlights for me were the details of the fight against conversion therapy, the sassy AF comebacks to random streetside preachers, and overall their resilience in the face of relentless obstacles.

-

*particularly in the context of Fiji's traditional third gender, vakasalewalewa. But also in the context of Aotearoa/New Zealand.

[Tucker · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful story of growing up queer in a way that's outside of labels, then of discovering words that feel right, then of becoming an activist to fight oppression (at only 19!) and seeing huge legislative success in just a couple years. There's a lot to learn here about queerphobia and racism, as well as about building bridges and being true to yourself. Shaneel Lal has done important work, and they are a hero. I learn something about myself from listening to them. I'm inspired to think about how much more good I could do too. I wrote about this book for Gender Identity Today. If the post is members-only, why not subscribe? But buy Lal's book first, please.

[Armelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

A searingly honest account by Shaneel Lal, young New Zealander of the year 2023 and the first transgender person to win this award in its history. Shaneel details their struggles to be allowed to be who they are, starting from their childhood in Fiji to escaping with their lives from church elders keen to 'pray the gay away' and arriving in Aotearoa. Shaneel is an incredible force to be reckoned with, endlessly lobbying the NZ government to pass the ban on conversion therapy. An incredible read from one so young, you'll gain insights into the challenges faced by non-binary folk with a BIPOC lens.

[Chantal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Complex issues that face our queer youth today are navigated amazingly in this autobiography. It’s clear the 1 star reviews are transphobes or completely uneducated folks unlikely to have even read it. As a cis-woman, this book reinforced my role in protecting queer and especially trans folks and kids and was a beautiful insight into Fijian culture while still telling a heartbreaking story of conversion therapy and complicated feelings around parental relationships. Loved it. Hope everyone has the chance to read this and pass a copy to a child who needs it.