Polywise: a deeper dive into navigating open relationships

by Jessica Fern, David Cooley, Carrie Jenkins (Foreword)

As polyamory continues to make its way into the mainstream, more and more people are exploring consensual non-monogamy in the hope of experiencing more love, connection, sex, freedom, and support. While for many, the move expands personal horizons, for others, the transition can be challenging, leaving them blindsided and overwhelmed. Beyond the initial transition to non-monogamy, many struggle with the root issues beneath the symptoms of broken agreements, communication challenges, increased fighting, and persistent jealousy. Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern and restorative justice facilitator David Cooley share the insights they have gained through thousands of hours working with clients in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Using a grounded theory approach, they explore the underlying challenges that non-monogamous individuals and partners can experience after their first steps, offering practical strategies for transforming them into opportunities for new levels of clarity and intimacy.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Polyamory, Self Help, Psychology, Queer, Sexuality

337 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 25, 2023

About the author

Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist, public speaker, and trauma and relationship expert. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.

Reviews

[Cardyn Brooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Polywise encourages readers to embark on a journey of personal excavation of entrenched beliefs and default assumptions about themselves, their families, their romantic and sexual relationships, friendships, and hidden emotional tripwires, too.

In addition to a personable back-and-forth (used sparingly) between the author and the contributor, this text offers exercises, questions, and prompts to engage readers to explore and pursue intentional conscious recognition of who they are as individuals, what they need and want, and why, as well as healthy ways to attain them--or let them go if necessary.

Consensual Nonmonogomay (CNM) is the initial hook while tools and strategies for understanding the facets, layers, and impacts of nonmonogamy as orientation and/or lifestyle choice establish a unifying through line.

from the introduction:
Whatever your personal version of polywise may look like, my hope is that this book is a resource for helping you get there.
... So while this book is intended for a CNM audience, a significant amount of what is covered in the following chapters offers helpful material for anyone in any relationship structure.


Polywise also acknowledges that neither monogamy nor CNM works for everyone. It focuses on transitions, relationship fluidity, and relational conflict within the context of experiences occurring along a very broad spectrum.

A foreword, introduction, seven chapters, plus a substantive conclusion, a particularly helpful glossary of terms, references, a list of other relevant books from the publisher, and an index make Polywise a text worth keeping on-hand for future referrals and refreshers on practical, effective reconciliation strategies for preventing and dealing with internal and external conflict.

http://blerdybingereader.blogspot.com...

[Josh · Rating 5 out of 5]

The cover of this book may suggest that it’s about open relationships, but don’t let that fool you: it is full of useful concepts and tools that will be useful for anyone who wants to improve how they relate to their partners. Large sections of the book, including the entire chapter on managing conflict, barely mention open relationships and are broadly applicable to any relationship.

I found that starting from an understanding of paradigms and social conditioning was a useful approach that I haven’t encountered quite this way before. This, too, I think is broadly applicable, even outside of personal relationships, and can be helpful in addressing any sort of major life transition.

There are plenty of practical exercises throughout that provide opportunities for writing or discussion. The authors speaking from their own experiences as therapists and as a previously married couple provides both expert and personal perspectives that give the book authority and authenticity. The authors definitely do not sugarcoat things by giving unrealistic expectations; Their advice is honest, and some of it might be hard to hear.

The later chapters of the book draw on the works from the field of psychology and apply them to nonmonogamy. Even without a prior understanding of these works, the discussions are useful, and often still applicable within a monogamous context.

While I'm not sure that Fern presents any new framework like she did with the HEARTS model in Polysecure, this book does apply pre-existing concepts in a way that will help in the development of mature relationships, regardless of their chosen style. It is a worthwhile follow-up to her exceptional debut.

This review is based on a pre-release copy of the book provided without charge by the publisher and NetGalley.

[Ross · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have never given a book a 5-star rating before, and didn't this time either, but for the first time, I was tempted to do so. Polywise, in my opinion, really is a deeper dive into navigating open relationships as the subtitle states.

One thing I like about this book is that it speaks more directly about what is difficult about non monogamy and pulls from different perspectives based in counselling practices and restorative justice to help navigate.

I highly recommend this book to anyone exploring non monogamy, but particularly those who have already started on that journey and feel lost in the shifting of understanding. As a therapist, there are many tools that can be used for any style of relationship in this book, not just non monogamy.

[Lizzie S · Rating 3 out of 5]

Polywise is a follow-up to Jessica Fern's first book - Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. As a therapist who works often with clients engaged in various forms of CNM, I was excited to pick this one up. I'd already read and enjoyed some of the other classics, like More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory and The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. I enjoyed this one, but didn't find it groundbreaking. I thought it was sometimes a little technical and it was harder to get into for me than some of the other books out there on this topic.

All in all, I liked it, but it wasn't quite a favorite.

Thanks so much to Jessica Fern and Hazel Boydell for this ARC through NetGalley! Polywise is available now!

[Ety · Rating 2 out of 5]

The parts I liked, I liked more than what I liked in Polysecure; the parts I hated, I hated more than anything I hated in Polysecure.

Edit: Just adding - if you were frustrated by the advice given in Polysecure about how to develop a "secure attachment with self" and overcome insecurities and such ("have you tried meditating? yoga? drum circles?"), then this is just as tone-deaf and unhelpful (thanks, David, I'll just jump on a plane to go to an "ayahuasca ceremony" in a different country).

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This one would be a good one to own.

[Christy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I bought this book on impulse because I enjoyed Polysecure a lot.

This isn't a bad book, it's just not a book for me. I've been doing polyamory for years, and I don't feel like there was much in here for me. This book would be best for couples just opening a monogamous relationship, people who are more interested in hierarchical polyamory, people who like doing therapy exercises, and people with an interest in restorative justice.

The most interesting part was the discussion of Kegan's stages of development, but I'm not entirely sure I agree with this theory either.

[Sinclair · Rating 5 out of 5]

I eagerly awaited Jessica Fern's second book about polyamory, and this one was fantastic. lots of practical skills and suggestions for navigating transitions and change in polyamory, from closed to open or from one form of poly to another. highly recommend.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Also erstens, ich bruch das buech dringend uf dütsch. Es isch rächt komplex. Zweitens, das buech hät en huufe therapeutischi asätz, es isch glichzitig theoretisch und bezieht sich uf praxis. Drittens, s thema gaht wiit über beziehigsforme use!! hui. Cha mer bitte öpper bscheid geh wänns uf dütsch usechunt danke.

[Ambrose (Aco) · Rating 5 out of 5]

very eye opening and thorough I love all the practical exercises that came with this second book c: overall a good read for everyone poly or not looking to understand themselves and the fabric of their relationships ｡𖦹°꩜.ೃ࿔

[bee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book hit very close to home. I think Fern and Cooley use both lived experience and conversations with the community to inform their writing, and I really appreciated that. This book definitely encouraged me to look at my own journey with CNM and evaluate where I was at and where I would like to be. I plan to check out Polysecure and the associated workbook now that I've finished this book. I think this book has some valuable insights for any audience, but especially those who are considering CNM, actively participating in CNM or want to understand CNM better. Thanks to NetGalley for providing me with an e-ARC in exchange for my honest review.

[Isaiah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I got an ARC of this book.

It became pretty clear in the introduction that I would need to read Polysecure first, so I jumped into that one and it was disappointing (very white, allosexual, and focused on marriage). So I didn't have high hopes for this one after that.

This one felt like the first one, but with more words. The first one was a quick read and didn't offer much. This was much slower and offered about the same. Same issues as the first one, but add it was just overly written to the mix. I learned more about Fern than I learned about polyamory from this book.

Again, still not the worst book on the subject I read. Just not one I will be recommending to anyone.

[Maartje Hensen · Rating 3 out of 5]

There was some good stuff in there, but also quite a bit of ‘yikes’ (especially Dave’s intro about being marginalized as a white man?! And another review mentioned how it’s strange how casually the indigenous practice of ayahuasca is mentioned). This book would’ve been a lot better had they hired a proofreader(s) from various marginalized communities.

I agree with other reviews that the book isn’t as helpful as Polysecure and is definitely catered to a specific group (couples newly opening up to non-monogamy). I still learnt some new things, the bit about codependency and differentiation is particularly interesting to me at the moment.

[Shelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it. Deconstructs so much of what we’ve been taught about relationships while allowing for all relationship structures. This book is great for monogamous and CNM folks. Would recommend to anyone though maybe slightly higher brow more conceptual read than some books, so would probably be best for folks who already have done some learning and reflecting on these topics.

[Rees · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very insightful read that I will have to continue thinking about. It contains concepts that I think are relevant regardless whether you practice non-monogamy or not.

I found a lot more material that resonated with me in here compared to her other book, Polysecure, but found that they are very complementary. The only thing that I didn’t really get were the sections relating to parts therapy, but that’s just me.

[Felix Belanger]

Le chapitre sur la réparation de conflits m'a paru exceptionnel. Vraiment un must-read relationnel pour toustes. C'est game changer et David Cooley le présente de façon super claire et pratique.

Pour les autres chapitres, franchement un peu déçu par le non-alignement avec mes attentes. Le contenu m'a paru très axé sur les difficultés qui émergent au tout début d'un mode de vie polyamoureux, beaucoup plus que sur les difficultés qui peuvent survenir à tout moment du cheminement poly. Mais bon, tant mieux si ça peut aider certaines personnes qui se lancent dans le polyam :)

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

I agree that all of the paradigms discussed in this book are incredibly important to recognize and assess in our lives, but this was far too much content for one book. It ended up feeling jumbled and overwhelming.

[Mar · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 good relationship advice for any type of relationship

[Sage · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book probably will help & resonate for lots of people but I felt kinda eh on it tbh.
I think reading this book made me realize how much of a relationship anarchist I am, much of this felt more geared towards hierarchical dynamics/ couples who are interested in opening rather than people who want to build equitable webs of interconnection from the ground up which isn't very relatable to me. While I can see the helpfulness of some of the strategies like containers & poly fidelity it still ran against my personal beliefs about how to treat people without controling them or seeing metamours/ certain relationships or people as more disposable.

My notes:
Fern's claim that monogamy normativity may mean poly feels not quite right so an enthusiastic yes isn't always needed & can be obtained by therapeutic means such as emdr & psychedelic therapy really didn't sit right with me, I could see this logic being used very coercively.
I did think the point about getting grounded in our reasons for pursuing poly & thinking deeply about our needs, desires, ethics in a consistent way to ground ourselves while taking on challenges is good advice.
Determining when a crack in a relationship is reperable or not: do u still like your partner, do u see their behavior as symptom or as fundamentally coming from who they are as selfish, aggressive, etc. Respecting each other is required (duh???).

Justice jealousy really resonated for me & I appreciate this new term.

I am somewhat struck by how all the new pop psych books are integrating IFS to an extent usually with an added chapter. I intend to come back to these practices at some point. IFS makes so much theoretical sense to me but then feels so hard to actually do irl at least by myself rn.

Restorative justice applied to interpersonal conflicts.
Getting consent to have big convos. Scheduling & talking about how to do these comvos makes them easier to have?
Focus on understanding where the other person was coming from rather than on facts/ intricacies to resolve better (only works if ur not being gaslit lol rip).
Maybe break into 2 conversations where 1 person gets to share their experience & get validated at a time.
Setting intentions at the beginning of big convis to help keep us on track/ grounded in how we want to be showing up.
First reflect back & make someone feel heard before digging into explanations/ ur intentions/ problem solving. Feeling heard & empathized with= portal to working through other things. Everyone gets a turn to be heard.

Differentiation- separating identity from coupledom & ur partners identity, having clear boundaries.
Stages of relationships:
Symbiosis, differentiation, practicing/ individuation, repraochment/ reconnecting, synergy/ mutual independence (we & I is reconnected)
Codependence is often about getting stuck in the symbiosis stage & conflict that comes up around differentiation
Nonmonogamy as a preventative measure for codependent tendencies?
Good to intentionally differentiate prior to opening up: set alone time/ self dates, asking partner on dates to remember they own their time not u.
"With every decision is also an incision"

Prescriptive & descriptive hierarchy
Subscribing power according to placements vs naming a dynamic thats naturally arisen
Often hierarchy needs can be met through better attachment needs.
Secure attachment vs connection
Developmental stages change when we undergo big life changes like opening a relationship, reverting to selfishness to figure self out before moving onto sympathy, socialization, & eventually self actualization. Idk how I feel abt ranking stages of development/ actualization/ the discourse around people being more or less evolved....

[Adam · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley for providing a review copy of this book in exchange for a fair review.

I was a big fan of Jessica Fern’s first book, Polysecure, which I felt was a really insightful and effective overview of both polyamorous relationships and attachment theory. Compared to a lot of books on open relationships, I felt it was able to really dig into both the psychological complexities of opening yourself up, as well as looking beyond the narrow non-monogamous dynamics that tend to dominate books like this.

This follow-up, Polywise, promises a deeper dive into navigating open relationships, however I personally found it to be a bit more surface level than its predecessor. Fern admits as much in the introduction that this book was intended to come out before Polysecure and a lot of the topics covered feel more relevant to people who have yet to begin exploring non-monogamy or are new to it. I also felt it was much more focussed on particular types of poly/non-monogamous relationships and certain relationship dynamics that limited the book’s scope.

Fern is still obviously a very experienced voice on these topics and I’m sure many will find this book useful, but I don’t think it’s something I’d return to.

[Kiki Tapiero · Rating 4 out of 5]

This should be the prequel to polysecure! It talks about how to make the mental paradigm shift to being non monog, differences and conflict that might come up, and how to choose the right poly style. These weren't as relevant for someone who doesn't open up a relationship but instead always dates ENM/CNM. I still tried to take what I could from each chapter, but the focus really was on romantic relationships. I appreciated the chapter of conflict written by her ex partner dave, who connects it to restorative justice values that resonated with me and even provided a helpful diagram.

[Michał · Rating 2 out of 5]

Polywise is a book with an intriguing premise but ultimately fails to deliver. It feels more like a scattered collection of the author's personal experiences than a well-structured book on the subject. Dave's interventions are overly simplistic, seeming more like a tool to reinforce the author's views than offering meaningful insight. I wouldn't recommend it.

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

HAHAHA I FINALLY FINISHED THIS DARN BOOK! I've literally been trying to read this book since Oct 2023 and it is finally done. At the end of the book, the author mentioned how some books are meant to be devoured and some are meant to be nibbled on... this one was a nibbler. I really enjoyed this book and all of the theories it presented, the last chapter was my favorite as it talked about the theories of adult development. So much of self-help relationship content is focused on getting started in a relationship so I really cherish anything that provides helpful insight for long-term relationships. The co-authoring was great and the restorative justice chapter was also fantastic, I really love having my beliefs challenged and realizing how I've bought into the way our current justice system focuses on punishment was eye-opening. A well-written and informative book, I truly felt like I went on a therapy journey with it.

[Shibalba · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a much deeper dive into open relating than Polysecure, but in my opinion, both are essential reads (don’t skip the other one 😉). It offers hands-on, research-backed advice for people looking to switch to the non-monogamous paradigm of relating for the first time and for those already engaged in some form of CNM switching things up or facing specific challenges with boundaries, expectations, relationship anxiety, etc. Honestly, a must-read for anyone who isn’t interested in traditional, fixed-structure, fixed-milestone relationships.

[Shalyn Falloon · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5/5 ⭐️

Polywise is clearly packed with thoughtful insights and useful information, but it felt like a bit of a slog to get through. The content is dense and not particularly well-summarized—this is the kind of book you’d probably have to read three times to fully absorb, and frankly, I don’t care enough to do that. I found myself wishing the main points were laid out more clearly, maybe even in infographic or point-form format. Some of the real-life examples helped bring the ideas down to earth, but overall, it just wasn’t presented in a way that kept me engaged.

[Maureen Meyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Valuable read and concepts every monogamous and/or non-monogamous partnerships should explore and discuss. Nothing new just updated semantics and case studies. Transparency and honesty is the takeaway for every relationship.

[miao · Rating 5 out of 5]

amazing book! don’t ask me why i’m reading this even though i’m not poly

[Casey · Rating 5 out of 5]

low key really good actually

[Lindsey Sullivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great follow up to Polysecure!! Super helpful and practical exercises!!

[Bill Shultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had purchased this right when it came out.