Here With You: A Memoir of Love, Family, and Addiction

by Kathy Wagner

The powerful story of a mother’s struggle to save her son from addiction—and the strength and hope for change that she found in her grief. When the author’s son, Tristan, began experimenting with drugs at the age of fourteen, Kathy Wagner told herself it was just a phase. But by the time he was fifteen, she had to face the gravity of Tristan’s addiction. Unable to get him treatment without his consent, she did everything else that she could to try to save her child, from sending him to China to study kung fu with Shaolin monks, to signing him up for culinary school, to paying for his drugs in an attempt to keep him safe. When Tristan finally began his recovery journey, six years later, Wagner was unexpectedly thrown onto her own recovery path. Learning from other parents of children struggling with addiction, she began, for the first time, to live for herself. But soon her oldest daughter needed help for her own addictions, and Tristan struggled with relapse, eventually dying by accidental fentanyl overdose. After Tristan’s death, Wagner struggled to find herself without him and travelled the world to be alone with her pain. But she soon realized that to truly heal, she needed to come home to her family, and herself, in all their messy wonder. Told with compassion and insight, Here With You is a story about how addiction tore a family apart and how they came back together through shared love and a deep commitment to learning a better way. Timely and honest, it will resonate with those struggling with substance abuse, their families and anyone who wants to better understand the impact of the current drug toxicity crisis.

344 pages, Paperback

Published April 30, 2024

Reviews

[Louise Cameron · Rating 5 out of 5]

A poignant and powerful tale of a mothers pain, and despair, as she tries to help her young son recover from the grips of addiction. A story that is sadly all too familiar for many families. Beautifully written, with heartbreaking and brave revelations. Offering a way forward with real hope and wisdom, as the author comes to realize that she too needs support on her own journey of recovery and healing. And that she deserves, as we all do, to have a happy and fulfilling life.

[Betty Hegerat · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kathy Wagner’s Here With You reads like every parent’s nightmare. But this is not a dream. This is memoir, real life, and Wagner and her son, Tristan, live the nightmares over and over again for seven years and then beyond. Wagner's pain is beyond imagining. She writes with intimacy, brutal honesty and a mother's tortured love and hope. Addiction is pernicious and ever increasing and destroying young people who have had barely a chance to live. Emotionally, this is a hard read, but the writing itself is vivid, and the story as well crafted as a particularly beautiful piece of art.

[Dana Tye · Rating 5 out of 5]

I tried to get my hands on this well-received book as soon as I could, but my husband snatched it out of my hands first and I had to wait. My husband is not a big reader, but he had tears in his eyes as he read Ms. Wagner's words. He interrupted me multiple times to read passages out loud. This book, he said, was speaking right to him. "It will speak to you directly too," he said.

He was right. My husband knows me all-too-well.

We are both parents of a twenty-something son in the grip of addiction. This eloquent, honest book arrived for us like a friend.

From the moment I picked up this book--in the midst of a crisis that seems without end--I felt understood. No small feat for those who walk this lonely path. The path is dotted with secrecy and stigma and misinformation, consisting of people who mean well but don't get it, and a disorder that continues to baffle a huge chunk of the society where we live.

We've read countless excellent books on addiction and recovery--many of them vital to our own recovery process. But the experience of getting to know and appreciate Ms. Wagner's son Tristan is a powerful reminder of the person behind the disorder--it's a longing every parent has for his or her own child: that a child regardless of struggle is cherished and remain cherished, no matter what labels or frustrations society heaps upon him. No amount of reassuring new research on addiction can replace what it's like to walk in another parent's shoes the way I got to walk in this author's for the duration.

Here With You is an equal meditation on the courage it takes to choose life first, regardless of the consequences--that addiction has the power to steal multiple lives. Ms. Wagner reminds those of us with addicted children that when we find a way to heal ourselves, we not only find a way to stay sane for everyone in our circle, we also model the life-affirming path our troubled children always have available to them.

This book reads like a rallying cry for change in how we collectively manage substance use as well as a testament to the healing power of self-love and belonging. It is also a damn fine book: well-written, captivating, and sincere: a story about courage and self-forgiveness and family.

I have to go now. I have others pretty much standing outside my door as we speak--whether part of the addiction community or not--eager to snatch this book out of my hands and be changed by it. I suspect you might be one of them, if you are lucky enough to get your hands on it before they do.

[Tina · Rating 4 out of 5]

So many feelings with this book.

I read a LOT of addiction/recovery books, except that this book is a about addiction - period.

I have never read a memoir focusing so much on what an addiction does to the people around the addict. Sure, this is always given a chapter or two in most memoir on this subject, but with this one, while the addict's issues are detailed, the equivalent timeline focused on the addict's family and friends.

I also loved how this book talks about the importance of 12 steps - it was very interesting to see how two of Wagner's children had addiction issues and both look towards rehab and 12 steps - and how it worked as a miracle for one of her children's while her other child could not see all the gifts of 12 step.

I admire how brave Wagner is in writing this heart wrenching book. I hope it helped her soul to heal.

[Susan Blacklin]

A beautifully sincere heartfelt memoir about addictions, I highly recommend reading. So many mums, too many, have lived this nightmare that Kathy so poignantly shares. I hope that through her generous sharing more folks will gain a greater appreciation and recognition of addiction as another terrible disease just like cancer.

[Tristan Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although I never knew you or your family, when I read your story, I felt emotionally involved in the story from the second I opened the book.

The book is about more than just the toxic drug crisis, it also touches on parenting, love for your children, and care and concern for your children, as well as the importance of a supportive community.

[Marika · Rating 3 out of 5]

Review to come

*I read an advance copy and was not compensated.

[Deb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like threads in a beautiful tapestry, the author weaves together so many shades of the story of addiction in the family. Few books on this subject manage to so adeptly take the reader on a walk in the shoes of a mother striving to support her son toward recovery. Wagner accomplishes this with crushing honesty about the devastating impact of active addiction, not only on those striving for recovery, but everyone around them. In equal measure she also tells a story of love, gratitude, and personal growth despite the tragic loss of her son. There is a lot here to provide hope and encouragement to all those impacted by addiction, directly or indirectly (honestly...who isn't?). Truly a generous gift to us all, and an important legacy from this mother and her son Tristan.

[Barbara Sheridan · Rating 5 out of 5]

after my daughter passed from addiction Oct 2024 it was recommended to me as i wasnt sure how to live on after such a loss. So many details resonated with me and I understood that love could not have kept her alive and i had no control. I hated myself so much before i read the book and am now learning to love myself again and be grateful for my surviving family. I have so much admiration for Kathy and so grateful after such an unimaginable loss that she was able to share her story. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and i walk with her in this journey of survival

[Vanessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful, heartfelt and beautiful book. Brought me to tears at times and also offered so much hope. Even though I don’t know the addiction journey personally I could relate to the family dynamics and the journey of discovery, grief and growth the narrator walked.

[Elizabeth Dutton-Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a true story about a mother in turmoil on how to save her son from addiction. The love between the two of them is immeasurable. So real. It's about her attempts so save him, and to learn about herself as a mother and a human being.
The pain in this story gives a very clear picture of what addiction can do to a family and its members. It's a story that includes of lifetime of counselling others in pain by an individual who has his own pain, many talents and love.

[Zilla Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here With You is Kathy’s memoir about losing her son, Tristan, to a fentanyl overdose in Vancouver when he was a young adult (20, I believe.) The book is written a few years past the loss - far enough to have perspective, close enough to still remember everything clearly. I don’t read a lot of memoir, but I enjoyed this one, and I think it’s an important read both for understanding the opioid crisis, and for understanding mothering/parenting. It’s also very well-written and engaging as a tragic story.

Kathy has a keen eye for detail, and is able to clearly and chronologically describe the stages of Tristan’s addiction, his efforts at rehabilitation and his relapses. Through Tristan’s too-short life, we see the tragedy of drug addiction and the urgency with which we should be finding solutions. Ultimately, Tristan died due to a poisoned supply of cocaine, and never got the chance to recover on his own terms or fully explore his talents. The loss of his potential is heart-breaking.

Kathy is very courageous in tackling this subject honestly and not shying away from the difficult aspects, even if they do not portray her acting in the most socially acceptable ways. But in this, she is very relatable. Even if we have not had a child struggle with an addiction, most if not all mothers can relate to the sense of not being a perfect mother, not having a perfect partnership with our spouse, giving in to our kids when we know we shouldn’t, missing important signs and cues, letting things slide because we don’t have the energy to deal with them, not taking enough time to keep ourselves healthy, and feeling deep guilt about everything. Kathy is similarly clear-eyed in showing the good and bad in all her characters, even her own children.

Despite Tristan’s sad death, there is lots of hope in the book. The heroic efforts Kathy made to get him into treatment, his sweet nature and his skill at martial arts and cooking, and his efforts to beat his addiction are testament to the best of the human spirit. Kathy describes the healing journey she undergoes after her son dies, and the strengthened relationships she enjoys with her daughters and granddaughter, culminating in a moment of real joy. She keeps the focus mostly on herself and her own family with only a brief detour into politics, and I feel that that is appropriate.

I imagine this book will be a real comfort for anyone struggling with an addiction or with a loved one who is, but it also has many lessons for the rest of us. 5 stars.

[Sarah Butland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Especially heartbreaking and enlightening as this story begins when Kathy's son was the same age as my son is now. While not a guide to parenting specifically, this offers amazing insight into letting go of some responsibility of choices others make, even when related.

See my full review at https://miramichireader.ca/2023/11/he...

[Carrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every person who” thinks” they “know” all about the drug addicted. Needs to read this book.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recently released in the United States Canadian author Kathy Wagner’s beautiful memoir should be required reading for any parent struggling with their teenager’s addiction to alcohol or drugs. At her US book release in Bellingham, WA Wagner talked about how difficult it is to get treatment for her son who first started using at age 14. Most treatment centers won’t take teenagers and they
There are many books about addiction and the hell it plays on family life and community. Recently released in the United States Canadian author Kathy Wagner’s beautiful memoir should be required reading for any parent struggling with their teenager’s addiction to alcohol or drugs. The book goes beyond retelling the sordid details of her son’s addiction and death from an accidental fentanyl overdose as it also discusses Wagner’s own recovery.


Even though her son dies, the heart of Wagner’s book is one of hope. When her son Tristan finally goes to a recovery center that is When Wagner starts her recovery process. She realized that she had been living her life for others. As she watches him enter a yearlong recovery program, she realizes that he doesn’t need her anymore. “He was doing just fine.” He didn’t need her sleepless, worried nights or for her to rush him fresh clothes at the flophouse where he was staying. She realizes their relationship had been built around her looking after him, and managing him and his moods. She feels a tremendous loss and must find her own way. She does this by going through the parental support group. She had been alone and disconnected going through Tristan’s descent but now it was time to find her own recovery through community with other parents going through the same process.


She says, “The unifying thread of my life was trying to make people feel better so they could be better. In all my years of trying, I’d never saved a single one of them, yet it had never occurred to me to focus on myself instead. It would be a long, hard road to learn how to live for myself.” What parent can’t relate to this message? How many of us stand at the door watching our children take flight and wonder now what? She begins to take more responsibility for building the life she wants. Wagner shows the community around him and herself. And, even when the worst happens, she’s not alone. She finds community in grief support groups and begins to facilitate some of these groups.

She finds comfort in the words her cousin, a United Church minister says when she tells Wagner that it was “God’s will that Tristan lived and healed and became well. The choices we as humans make are not always in alignment with God’s love. Tristan was trying his best but people are judgmental about addiction. The drug supply is poisoned.” She explains that’s why Tristan died. That none of that was God’s will. That’s the society we, as humans, have chosen to create for ourselves.” Wagner finds comfort in these words as did I. Those who remain after tragedy take loved ones and try to find peace in some way. This is the power of Wagner’s book. Despite the hell she has lived through she finds meaning in her son’s death and finds her own way to carry on.
That’s why we need to share these hard stories of addiction and loss. The telling takes away the shame and stigma for it shows us that we are not alone in the journey. It is not something that we as parents have done wrong. Each person makes his own choices and is doing the best he can. Wagner’s book is one of hope. It is we who must do better to create a community where those who are lost don’t feel like the only way out is to resort to drugs.

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book left me speechless. Not only did I learn so much from it about how addiction can shape a family, but the author took me on a gripping journey through the space between anxiety and hope.

Be forewarned: Kathy Wagner pulls no punches, and her memoir is full of pain. But it's also full of beauty and love and joy, never spending so long in the abyss that you'll feel hopeless.

You'll come away from this book with a new perspective on what it means to be flawed while loved, and to love someone flawed (and who among us isn't?). You'll also get a window into some of life's hardest challenges and how the recovery community expertly helps each other through them. Honestly, anyone who has ever been through trauma could probably benefit from reading about the different approaches Kathy took to live with, and then sadly without, her son Tristan.

There's a line that the book returns to from time to time, from sessions in recovery: "Live life on life's terms." I had never heard this before, but it's a powerful lesson we can all benefit from: we all have terms of life that, for better or for worse, we are stuck with, like Tristan's addiction. But we need to find ways to live life with the terms we are dealt. Not "tolerate life", or "survive life", or "shrink life small to be safe" but LIVE life. We need to not get sucked into despair or guilt or self-pity - but find joy where we can. Tristan deserved joy, his mom Kathy and his siblings deserve it, and all the souls suffering and recovering in the opioid crisis deserve it - even though many (inside the crisis and outside) feel they don't. Every single one of us deserve it.

Addiction might not touch every family directly, but as a community we need books like these to understand our friends and neighbors and the different challenges all our fellow humans are going through. So give it a read, and then go give someone a hug - because you'll need it.

[Lisa Dailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wagner takes the reader on an emotional journey right through the heart of her son’s drug addiction and accidental overdose. Here With You is an honest exploration of a mother’s relentless struggle to grapple with addiction and the loss of a child. Wagner does not gloss over the realities of addiction and loss. Instead, she invites readers into her innermost thoughts and feelings and offers a glimpse into the tumultuous world of addiction and recovery. Here With You is a moving memoir that will resonate with readers long after they have turned the final page.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heart wrenching exploration of addiction and mental health as told through the voice of a mother. If you have had a friend or family member who struggles with addiction and/ or mental health, Kathy and Tristan's story will resonate with you. I couldn't put this book down, even when it was unbearably painful and emotionally challenging. A wonderfully poignant and enlightening memoir told with grace and grit.

[Nina Rodriguez · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Here With You" is a balm to the soul of anyone who has loved a person battling addiction. It's validating to the complex, painful and isolating experience of addiction, and more importantly, to the unconditional love we have for our person, their pure soul, and how we get to carry them forward with us. Thank you, Kathy, for sharing your story so openly and authentically. It will help many who know this painful reality, and it serves as a beacon of hope for what big-picture life is all about.

[Al Clover · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kathy Wagner tells her story with heart amid the misery of her son's addiction. His fight becomes her fight in her attempt to free her son of his dependance on drugs. Kathy doesn't sugar coat the battle for her son's life and the roadblocks she faces on her own while trying to save her son from his dark obsession.

[Kacey Nicholson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone who loves someone who uses drugs should read this book.
Anyone who has been touched by the toxic drug crisis should read this book.
Anyone who understands the often confusing and fierce love we experience as parents and guardians should read this book.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this book!

[Shelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! Addiction in any form, affects not only the addict, but so many family members and friends.