To Play With Fire: One Woman's Remarkable Odyssey

by Tova Mordechai

How does Tonica Marlow, an envangelical female minister, find her way to becoming Tova Mordechai, an Orthodox, practicing Jew? To Play With Fire is the riveting tale of one who rose through the ranks of her religion, educated and ordained at a noted theological seminary - not only as a minister, but as a “prophetess” of her faith - while remaining unfulfilled, despairing and numb inside. Born the daughter of an Egyptian Jewish mother and a British Protestant evangelical father, Tova Mordechai presents the powerful real-life account of her tumultuous journey to Judaism as she grapples with Christianity and finds freedom in her Jewish roots.

Genres: Nonfiction, Jewish, Memoir, Israel

447 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1991

Reviews

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not quite as well-written as Turbulent Souls: A Catholic Son's Return To His Jewish Family but a similar story in many ways -- a woman who always thought of herself as Christian eventually comes to discover that she is actually Jewish and to connect with Judaism. In a sense, Tova Mordechai's story was a little more interesting than that of Stephen J. Dubner because Tova was not your run-of-the-mill Christian woman. At sixteen, Tova's preacher father placed her in a Pentecostal institution where Tova rose to a position of significant leadership and influence before eventually becoming disillusioned and moving toward Orthodox Judaism.

What I liked about this book was Tova's honesty. Rather than claiming that she immediately loved Orthodox Judaism and its constituents, Tova describes a great deal of struggle to adjust and back-and-forth which, she admits, is not entirely over even after all these years (although it doesn't sound as if she experiences any longing to return to the Church at this point). This was an important aspect of the book which saved it from being a sanctimonious Targum-Feldheim read and actually gave it some provocative moments. It was also interesting to read about the religious institution Tova was affiliated with and the spiritual appeal combined with the abuse of power.

What I liked less was the need for an editor. Tova's writing, while not lyrical per se, was certainly readable; at the same time, the book was a little long-winded and over-detailed. Sometimes I read a disclaimer at the beginning of a memoir which states that some events have been condensed or written as composites of several events in order to ensure the flow of the narrative. While I wonder whether that disclaimer grants the memoirist too much liberty with the truth (as in Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots), in this case I think it would have been advisable for Tova to either combine, condense, or simply eliminate several of the events she describes. Certainly the excerpts from her journal were unnecessary, and I think the book would have read better and been more enjoyable had some of the more trivial anecdotes been streamlined.

Overall, though, I'm not sorry I read it. Though a bit of a slog at times, the book mostly held my interest and raised some interesting questions for me about heredity vs. environment when it comes to spirituality.

[Kressel Housman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't help but compare this book with the last teshuva story I read, which was Leah Kotkes' The Map Seeker. Both authors are British women who became frum, but the similarity ends there. Leah Kotkes was raised as a secular Jew, which may explain some of the sketchiness of her narrative. When you've grown up under today's "modern" permissive standards, naturally, you end up doing a few things that ought to be kept private. But Tova Mordechai didn't grow up secular - she was enmeshed in the Pentecostal church - and she told all. Her narrative was detailed, chronological, and didn't skip over periods of time, so it hung together much better than Leah Kotkes' book. In fact, Tova Mordechai's book was so detailed that after a while, I was tired of hearing so much about the church and wanted to get to the teshuva already. Otherwise, I found it a gripping book.

The church as she portrayed it was corrupt, hypocritical, and abusive. Its leadership literally took everything from the author's parents and then spit them out. Yet amazingly, as the author began her teshuva, she felt herself missing church worship. It wasn't that she believed in it anymore, but Jewish observance of mitzvos felt so foreign to her that she wanted to go back to the familiar. I think every BT has felt that way about something. Perhaps it's even a universal experience that echoes the cry of the Jews in the desert: "Take us back to Egypt!" Going forward to unknown spiritual territory is hard.

If there's one flaw in the book that parallels Leah Kotkes' book, it's that Tova Mordechai's sister Esther should have been described more thoroughly in the beginning. We get a very clear picture of her sister Margaret, to whom she was closer in age, but we only learned about Esther at the end, and that, I think, was a lack in the narrative. But all in all, it was a riveting story with an important message. Strange as the mitzvos may seem to outsiders, practical spirituality, i.e. the observance of laws and rituals based on a written legal tradition, prevents the possibility of self-proclaimed prophets who are out to abuse others for the sake of their own power.

[Harry · Rating 4 out of 5]

The narrative of Tonica Marlow, later known as Joy Israel and Tova, offers a deeply personal journey of religious transformation and identity exploration. Raised in a strict Pentecostal environment, her early life was marked by an intense devotion to her faith, characterized by long, modest dresses and fervent spiritual practices. Her upbringing under the influence of her Pentecostal minister father, a mother who had converted from Judaism to Christianity, and the church's rigorous teachings shaped her worldview and sense of self.

Tonica's rise within the church hierarchy, becoming a minister and prophetess, demonstrates her dedication and commitment. However, despite her deep involvement, there was a persistent sense of spiritual dissatisfaction, which eventually led her to explore her Jewish heritage. The contrast between her Christian upbringing and the Jewish roots she began to uncover creates a compelling tension in her story. The cold reception she received from the Orthodox synagogue in her English town only added to her inner turmoil, highlighting the challenges of navigating between two distinct religious worlds.

Her encounter with the ChaBaD Lubavitch chasidim, known for their outreach to Jews, marks a turning point in her journey. The warmth and acceptance she found within the Lubavitch community contrasted sharply with her previous experiences, providing her with a new spiritual home. However, this transition was not without its struggles. Tova grappled with the complexities of Jewish law and theology, particularly the conflicting views on her identity: a gentile by Christian doctrine but a Jew by Jewish law.

The book's portrayal of her journey is rich in Christian and Jewish teachings, though it appears more tailored to a Jewish audience, with its use of Hebrew terms and focus on Jewish concepts. This focus on Jewish themes, including the concept of the "pintele Yid," or the indelible Jewish spark, suggests that Tova's return to Judaism was a reclaiming of an intrinsic part of her identity.

Yet, the narrative also raises critical questions. Despite her high status in the Pentecostal church, Tova does not seem to question the gender dynamics within Orthodox Judaism, which traditionally assigns different roles to men and women. Additionally, the book presents Lubavitch chasidism as the definitive form of Orthodox Jewish practice, potentially overlooking the diversity within the Jewish faith.

The story concludes with Tova as a content yet overwhelmed Orthodox Jewish mother, living in less-than-ideal conditions but at peace with her religious choices. Her journey from a Pentecostal minister to a devout Orthodox Jew, married to a convert and raising a Jewish family, underscores the complexities of faith, identity, and belonging.

[Marli · Rating 2 out of 5]

Went into this book thinking it’d be fiction, as I’m pretty sure that was where the book was in the library, but was surprised when it was a memoir. I understand that it’s a real persons account on their life, but I didn’t like the style for which it was written. In the latter half of the book when talking about her older sister Esther, all of that made me emotional, especially when she was actively dying. Other than that, it was a fine book, nothing I’d recommend to a friend or anything. Also, the book I had was called “Playing With Fire” but everything online says it’s called “To Play With Fire,” so that’s confusing.

[Yitzchak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic. Tova is a talented writer with a unique and gripping story of how she came to sever herself with the Pentecostal cult she was involved in, and recover her Jewish heritage.

[Krystyne Chava Canales · Rating 5 out of 5]

Had a bit of a slow start, but an informative and interesting book.

[AnnaS · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very moving. Thanks for publishing your story.