What do you think?
Rate this book
Guilt is the Teacher, Love is the Lesson
The author of the bestselling Minding the Body, Mending the Mind, offers a compassionate, healing guide for overcoming the devastating effects of guilt.
256 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1990
38 people are currently reading
226 people want to read
About the author
Joan Borysenko
69 books100 followersThis distinguished pioneer in integrative medicine is a world-renowned expert in the mind/body connection.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
July 7, 2011
I really enjoyed this book because, for me, it read like a summary of many other self-help type books I've devoured on my spiritual quest. Although written in the 1980's, many of the themes addressed are still relevant and popular today with the main lessons concerning forgiveness, empathy and unconditional love. It's very easy to read; concise and straightforward. I liked the suggestions for practical steps to take at the end of each chapter. The author comes from a christian perspective and quotes the bible at times but, even as a pagan, I found it acceptable because the verses are universal and within context plus other faiths are included, with references to the Goddess and Great Spirit. It's inspiring and a great refresher for anyone who has read similar books on how to release old hurts, chidlhood trauma and establish healthier relationships.
May 15, 2013
This was my second time reading this book. It started off strong, the middle was a bit of a tangent, but it ended on a strong note. I wish the author had focused on techniques for healing the inner child. I will probably read this book again in a few years. I will also be reading some of the suggested books.
October 23, 2023
I skimmed Guilt is the Teacher, Love is the Lesson to see what Borysenko says about the over-rated concept of forgiveness and give it a low rating based on her promotion of common misconceptions of this crucial concept.
On p. 165, she writes in my view quite accurately: "Repentance is awareness, recognition of a blind spot, acknowledging the shadow so that we will be free to make more life-affirming choices in the future. This process can be very painful, for loss of our idealized self-image, our mask, is often frightening and depressing. But without repentance there is no forgiveness. We cannot forgive ourselves, nor can we receive the forgiveness of other people or of God until we are aware of and willing to admit our mistakes.”
The quote goes with the framework laid out in the book, How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To, which I support. The book by Janis Abrahms Spring discusses four options: refusing to forgive and cheap forgiveness are dysfunctional, and acceptance and genuine forgiveness are adaptive. Genuine forgiveness involves the person who was harmed.
Yet Borysenko later disagrees with her quote above. On page 183 she outlines the steps to forgiving others without recognizing that, as Abrahms Spring shows, there is an option between forgiving and not forgiving: acceptance. Forgiving is not a universal good and is ideally the result of a dialogue.
Borysenko's example for showing the steps to forgiveness is not a situation of a clear cut harm. In fact, one could argue whether the harm was truly a harm, and so coming to terms with it on one’s own might be most appropriate in this case. In my view, it’s not a good example to use for a generic forgiveness model for situations of actual harm, which is where we most often struggle with forgiveness.
On p.181, about making amends, Borysenko writes, "In facing the other person and letting them know that we understand what we did, we’re sorry for it, and we hope that they can forgive us, we are repenting.”
Borysenko doesn’t recognize that someone who has wronged someone else is not in a position to ask for forgiveness. They should just apologize and then stop talking. They shouldn’t burden the person they harmed with any more than they already have. Forgiveness is solely at the discretion of the person harmed.
On p. 177, Borysenko writes “Forgiveness is not conditional on someone else’s behavior. If we insist that it is, we cannot move out of the victim position. Holding onto being the victim is the surest way of staying stuck and blocking our healing."
There are so many things I disagree about this.
First, as Abrahms Spring shows, while forgiveness may not be conditional on getting an apology, an apology makes forgiveness so much easier.
Second, it's a false causation to say that forgiving is necessary to "move out of the victim position." A rape victim, for example, will always be a victim of a crime whether we want to be or not. It's not a position we can move out of. It's a fact. Using person first language, however, can help recognize that that is not all that we are. We can refer, for example, to a victim-survivor as a "person who was harmed."
In addition, recognizing that we were harmed or are a victim does not block our healing. In fact, it can help our healing to not shirk reality and recognize that we are victims, even if we very much don't want to be. It's the denial and lack of recognition and validation of our reality that is crazy making. When society does not acknowledge sexual violence and its seriousness, for example, people who have been harmed scream all the louder for the crimes they experienced to be recognized. It makes sense that they would. Recognizing the crime as a crime is an important validation step in healing.
It is important for us all to recognize that we have all violated and all been violated (in different degrees). In other words, people who have been harmed have also harmed others. I agree that no one is only and solely a victim.
On p. 165, she writes in my view quite accurately: "Repentance is awareness, recognition of a blind spot, acknowledging the shadow so that we will be free to make more life-affirming choices in the future. This process can be very painful, for loss of our idealized self-image, our mask, is often frightening and depressing. But without repentance there is no forgiveness. We cannot forgive ourselves, nor can we receive the forgiveness of other people or of God until we are aware of and willing to admit our mistakes.”
The quote goes with the framework laid out in the book, How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To, which I support. The book by Janis Abrahms Spring discusses four options: refusing to forgive and cheap forgiveness are dysfunctional, and acceptance and genuine forgiveness are adaptive. Genuine forgiveness involves the person who was harmed.
Yet Borysenko later disagrees with her quote above. On page 183 she outlines the steps to forgiving others without recognizing that, as Abrahms Spring shows, there is an option between forgiving and not forgiving: acceptance. Forgiving is not a universal good and is ideally the result of a dialogue.
Borysenko's example for showing the steps to forgiveness is not a situation of a clear cut harm. In fact, one could argue whether the harm was truly a harm, and so coming to terms with it on one’s own might be most appropriate in this case. In my view, it’s not a good example to use for a generic forgiveness model for situations of actual harm, which is where we most often struggle with forgiveness.
On p.181, about making amends, Borysenko writes, "In facing the other person and letting them know that we understand what we did, we’re sorry for it, and we hope that they can forgive us, we are repenting.”
Borysenko doesn’t recognize that someone who has wronged someone else is not in a position to ask for forgiveness. They should just apologize and then stop talking. They shouldn’t burden the person they harmed with any more than they already have. Forgiveness is solely at the discretion of the person harmed.
On p. 177, Borysenko writes “Forgiveness is not conditional on someone else’s behavior. If we insist that it is, we cannot move out of the victim position. Holding onto being the victim is the surest way of staying stuck and blocking our healing."
There are so many things I disagree about this.
First, as Abrahms Spring shows, while forgiveness may not be conditional on getting an apology, an apology makes forgiveness so much easier.
Second, it's a false causation to say that forgiving is necessary to "move out of the victim position." A rape victim, for example, will always be a victim of a crime whether we want to be or not. It's not a position we can move out of. It's a fact. Using person first language, however, can help recognize that that is not all that we are. We can refer, for example, to a victim-survivor as a "person who was harmed."
In addition, recognizing that we were harmed or are a victim does not block our healing. In fact, it can help our healing to not shirk reality and recognize that we are victims, even if we very much don't want to be. It's the denial and lack of recognition and validation of our reality that is crazy making. When society does not acknowledge sexual violence and its seriousness, for example, people who have been harmed scream all the louder for the crimes they experienced to be recognized. It makes sense that they would. Recognizing the crime as a crime is an important validation step in healing.
It is important for us all to recognize that we have all violated and all been violated (in different degrees). In other words, people who have been harmed have also harmed others. I agree that no one is only and solely a victim.
August 1, 2022
One of the first books of this genre that I purchased for my private library after first borrowing it from the library in the early 1990's. Still remains one of my favorites to this day and is a constant go-to resource that I recommend to clients.
July 29, 2025
libro assolutamente da leggere
April 29, 2014
Anything she writes is worth the read.
January 27, 2022
One of the best books I ever read!
Truly powerful on helping others realize that we do not have to be perfect.
We are loved and we can quit beating ourselves up and doing so much guilt.
Truly powerful on helping others realize that we do not have to be perfect.
We are loved and we can quit beating ourselves up and doing so much guilt.
April 27, 2012
I love Joan's books. As always, plenty of food for thought and meditation.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews