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The Stories We Live By: Personal Myths and the Making of the Self
"Who am I?" "How do I fit in the world around me?" This revealing and innovative book demonstrates that each of us discovers what is true and meaningful, in our lives and in ourselves, through the creation of personal myths. Challenging the traditional view that our personalities are formed by fixed, unchanging characteristics, or by predictable stages through which every individual travels, The Stories We Live By persuasively argues that we are the stories we tell. Informed by extensive scientific research--yet highly readable, engaging, and accessible--the book explores how understanding and revising our personal stories can open up new possibilities for our lives.
336 pages, Paperback
First published March 1, 1993
41 people are currently reading
1174 people want to read
About the author
Dan P. McAdams
33 books43 followersDan P. McAdams is the Henry Wade Rogers Professor of Psychology and Professor of Human Development and Social Policy at Northwestern University’s School of Education and Social Policy. A leading expert in personality psychology and narrative identity, McAdams explores how people construct life stories to shape their sense of self. He is the author of several influential books, including The Redemptive Self: Stories Americans Live By (2006), which examines themes of redemption in American life narratives, and The Strange Case of Donald J. Trump: A Psychological Reckoning (2020), a psychological analysis of Trump's personality. His research has significantly contributed to understanding personality development, identity, and life storytelling.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews
October 14, 2022
I had an interesting conversation with someone last week. At some point during the discussion, she mentioned that she was trying to become okay with mediocrity. Having been on the treadmill of excellence for years, she was finally stepping off and realizing that life could be more enjoyable if she spun around, smelled the smells, saw the sights, and took it all in. Progress up the hierarchy be damned. I felt privileged to hear this story. Why? It’s an intimate, close-to-the-heart nugget of personal myth. There is a moment of transition, with ramifications for shaping the rest of her life. If someone feels comfortable enough to tell you something similar, you should take a second and appreciate it. Every life story is a treasure. Gaining access to any of them is a joy.
In therapy, there are one or two sessions at the beginning where the client is growing a relationship with the therapist – slowly, cautiously, with varying degrees of warmth. Some clients will do what McAdams points out (though he speaks of participants in a research project, but boy are his research projects very similar in form to a therapy session):
They end up thanking me for taking the time to listen. They hope dearly that they did not bore me. The truth is that I am never bored, nor are my students. Instead, we feel privileged and a little embarrassed to be given such a sincere self-disclosure – such a precious gift of intimacy. I feel that my daily interactions are rarely as real and as authentic as the interviews I have on tape.
This is the truth. I feel at my most privileged and at my best as a human being when I am doing therapy.
This book is an interesting exploration of the narratives that implicitly and explicitly shape our lives. With exposure to these myths (general, supplemented by de-identified interviews from real people), you will find yourself somewhere, locate yourself somewhere. How have you lived? What has the hue of your overall story been? How do you make sense of the world? What stage of your life are you in? How do you change it (should you want to)? Important questions for a calm and meaningful existence.
In therapy, there are one or two sessions at the beginning where the client is growing a relationship with the therapist – slowly, cautiously, with varying degrees of warmth. Some clients will do what McAdams points out (though he speaks of participants in a research project, but boy are his research projects very similar in form to a therapy session):
They end up thanking me for taking the time to listen. They hope dearly that they did not bore me. The truth is that I am never bored, nor are my students. Instead, we feel privileged and a little embarrassed to be given such a sincere self-disclosure – such a precious gift of intimacy. I feel that my daily interactions are rarely as real and as authentic as the interviews I have on tape.
This is the truth. I feel at my most privileged and at my best as a human being when I am doing therapy.
This book is an interesting exploration of the narratives that implicitly and explicitly shape our lives. With exposure to these myths (general, supplemented by de-identified interviews from real people), you will find yourself somewhere, locate yourself somewhere. How have you lived? What has the hue of your overall story been? How do you make sense of the world? What stage of your life are you in? How do you change it (should you want to)? Important questions for a calm and meaningful existence.
February 14, 2012
A pretty interesting book that I probably would not have picked up had it not been assigned for a class I am taking; I'm glad I had the opportunity to read it. McAdams's central premise is that we give meaning to our lives by applying a narrative structure - dividing the life into chapters, each with its own setting and characters, and, ultimately, unified with a central theme. More specifically, we each create personal myths, based on dominant narrative forms (e.g., comedy, romance, tragedy, irony) and archetypal characters (e.g., the intellectual, the healer, the creator) from within our culture.
I like the notion of applying the personal myth paradigm to human lives. Indeed, much of what we understand about the world and human culture in general comes from lessons learned through stories--even Jesus himself employed this strategy as a teacher. Stories serve to delight and instruct (yes, the original quote, whose utterer escapes me, said poetry, not stories, but the application to McAdams is, I think, the same). What do we find more complicated than our very selves? McAdams, a psychologist at Northwestern, explains that his interviewees (for his research on human lives, which informs this book) by and large found the experience of being interviewed tremendously valuable, as the act of talking about their life stories enlightened them in several ways: McAdams helped people to identify and change their personal myths, and ultimately, make meaning of their lives. In other words, the interviews functioned for many as a talk therapy of sorts, not necessarily because these people previously identified as in need of psychological help, but because McAdams and his team asked their questions strategically, encouraging their respondents to think anew about the trajectory of their lives--that is, as personal myths, with a beginning, middle, end, and an underlying theme.
One major shortcoming of McAdams's work, however, is that, in explaining the dominant narrative forms and archetypal characters that individuals identify with in their personal myths, he relies heavily on the Judeo-Christian traditions and the stories of ancient Greek mythology. I'm assuming that McAdams did/does most of his research in the United States; nevertheless, I would have appreciated a more cross-cultural look at people and their stories.
A key takeaway is that, if we are to make meaning of our lives through telling our stories, we need listeners. As evidenced by the positive feedback provided by his respondents (many of whom would not accept payment for the interview), McAdams and his team served as rather effective listeners: sympathetic, but analytic; invested, but not too intimate. If we can each identify one person in our lives who can be that one good listener, we would have a much clearer perspective on where we are in the course of our lives, as well as what we want to change and where we want to go.
I like the notion of applying the personal myth paradigm to human lives. Indeed, much of what we understand about the world and human culture in general comes from lessons learned through stories--even Jesus himself employed this strategy as a teacher. Stories serve to delight and instruct (yes, the original quote, whose utterer escapes me, said poetry, not stories, but the application to McAdams is, I think, the same). What do we find more complicated than our very selves? McAdams, a psychologist at Northwestern, explains that his interviewees (for his research on human lives, which informs this book) by and large found the experience of being interviewed tremendously valuable, as the act of talking about their life stories enlightened them in several ways: McAdams helped people to identify and change their personal myths, and ultimately, make meaning of their lives. In other words, the interviews functioned for many as a talk therapy of sorts, not necessarily because these people previously identified as in need of psychological help, but because McAdams and his team asked their questions strategically, encouraging their respondents to think anew about the trajectory of their lives--that is, as personal myths, with a beginning, middle, end, and an underlying theme.
One major shortcoming of McAdams's work, however, is that, in explaining the dominant narrative forms and archetypal characters that individuals identify with in their personal myths, he relies heavily on the Judeo-Christian traditions and the stories of ancient Greek mythology. I'm assuming that McAdams did/does most of his research in the United States; nevertheless, I would have appreciated a more cross-cultural look at people and their stories.
A key takeaway is that, if we are to make meaning of our lives through telling our stories, we need listeners. As evidenced by the positive feedback provided by his respondents (many of whom would not accept payment for the interview), McAdams and his team served as rather effective listeners: sympathetic, but analytic; invested, but not too intimate. If we can each identify one person in our lives who can be that one good listener, we would have a much clearer perspective on where we are in the course of our lives, as well as what we want to change and where we want to go.
January 1, 2020
There are few books that have had a profound impact in my life. This will surely be one of them. McAdams explains personality through the stories to tell ourselves. We are not merely traits, desires, or experiences; we are comprised of all the elements of a story. What we tell ourselves, we tend to believe and live by. If you enjoy introspection and understanding yourself, this book is phenomenal.
While I rated this as "everyone should read this," I acknowledge that some people will not have the introspective desires or practice to appreciate it. If that's the case for you, I think you should read it anyway to be inspired to identify and generate further meaning in your life :)
5-Star: Everyone should read this.
4-Star: Everyone in this specific field should read this.
3-Star: This was a decent read for the specific field, but there are better options.
2-Star: It got me to the end of the book, so there is that.
1-Star: It was bad enough that I didn't finish it.
While I rated this as "everyone should read this," I acknowledge that some people will not have the introspective desires or practice to appreciate it. If that's the case for you, I think you should read it anyway to be inspired to identify and generate further meaning in your life :)
5-Star: Everyone should read this.
4-Star: Everyone in this specific field should read this.
3-Star: This was a decent read for the specific field, but there are better options.
2-Star: It got me to the end of the book, so there is that.
1-Star: It was bad enough that I didn't finish it.
January 21, 2015
I decided not to provide a review of this book here, but to let the other Goodreads reviews do that. Instead I focussed on the part I found most useful and which I thought would be of most interest to readers of my blog ( My Call of Stories): namely his chapter Exploring Your Own Myth. In that chapter, Chapter 10 of his book, he provides an outline to explore your own myth, or myths:
A. Life Chapters…at least 2-3 and at most 7-8
B. Key Events (nuclear episodes)…..Specific list of 8
C. Significant People…at least 4, not related to at least 1
D. Future Script
E. Stresses and Problems…at least 2
F. Personal Ideology….beliefs and values
G. Life Theme
For each of these items he provides the detailed text of the questions he and his students used in their interview process of people selected to tell their life stories. He further suggests not only using these questions to help you identify your personal myths; he goes on the suggest you put them in the hands of a friend who interviews you. It is in this telling to another person that you really come to understand your personal myths. Check them out.
A. Life Chapters…at least 2-3 and at most 7-8
B. Key Events (nuclear episodes)…..Specific list of 8
C. Significant People…at least 4, not related to at least 1
D. Future Script
E. Stresses and Problems…at least 2
F. Personal Ideology….beliefs and values
G. Life Theme
For each of these items he provides the detailed text of the questions he and his students used in their interview process of people selected to tell their life stories. He further suggests not only using these questions to help you identify your personal myths; he goes on the suggest you put them in the hands of a friend who interviews you. It is in this telling to another person that you really come to understand your personal myths. Check them out.
March 30, 2011
How our memories and life stories serve as the material we use to create a narrative identity. Much of the book focuses on how our narrative stories are formed and refined as we age, and progress through stages of our lives. I liked the discussion of imagoes as the different roles we play and the way we see ourselves in relation to others. I was a disappointed in other ways though, as I didn't find the focus on Agency vs. Communion to be compelling. I wanted to learn more about how our narrative story affects our self-perceptions (and vice-versa), our mental/emotional world and our behaviors and motivations. There was some of this, but it seemed very underdeveloped.
March 7, 2019
This book actually seemed to be about people making stories based on life, not the other way around as the title says. I was looking for how the stories themselves could contain power.
Well-written, very thoroughly researched but missing what I thought I would find. Lately I've been encountering the idea that the way life events are interpreted can affect one's psychology. And that one can apply a different interpretation (tell oneself a story) to achieve change, healing, peace, or other goals. This book doesn't delve into those things.
Much of the time is spent laying out the various life stages of our inner story and categorizing the various aspects of those. The author gives us short real-life stories, but uses these to relate to his categories rather than to human meaning as a whole.
Because of the profusion of categories I will find it hard to remember much about this book. I didn't really have any aha moments. The beginning and end of the book shows his most overarching idea, which is probably all that I'll take away from it. The idea is that our stories are divided into either a self-strengthening narrative (agency) or a community-serving narrative (communion). You could read the first couple of chapters to get this idea.
Well-written, very thoroughly researched but missing what I thought I would find. Lately I've been encountering the idea that the way life events are interpreted can affect one's psychology. And that one can apply a different interpretation (tell oneself a story) to achieve change, healing, peace, or other goals. This book doesn't delve into those things.
Much of the time is spent laying out the various life stages of our inner story and categorizing the various aspects of those. The author gives us short real-life stories, but uses these to relate to his categories rather than to human meaning as a whole.
Because of the profusion of categories I will find it hard to remember much about this book. I didn't really have any aha moments. The beginning and end of the book shows his most overarching idea, which is probably all that I'll take away from it. The idea is that our stories are divided into either a self-strengthening narrative (agency) or a community-serving narrative (communion). You could read the first couple of chapters to get this idea.
October 12, 2024
This book lives somewhere between popular and academic psychology. It is written with respect for the reader's intelligence, and without making any grand promises, but without being too dryly academic. What is useful is what I would call MacAdams's developmental benchmarking. While recognizing the possible limitations of this framework, it is a helpful in self-examination. In my own case, having made a decision to not have children has given a more extended timeframe to some of these developmental periods, and requires some creativity on my part to establish what is most "generative" in my own story; what I will be leaving to future generations. Which is exactly why I needed this book, as a way to frame my questions to myself.
The book is also irritating with a heavy emphasis on religion and bias towards an American Christian perspective. However the author acknowledges this to some degree, and I needed to keep reminding myself that the U.S. is a very religious country (particularly compared to most of Europe) so it is probably also appropriate. Also, published in 1993, some datedness has to be overlooked.
The book is also irritating with a heavy emphasis on religion and bias towards an American Christian perspective. However the author acknowledges this to some degree, and I needed to keep reminding myself that the U.S. is a very religious country (particularly compared to most of Europe) so it is probably also appropriate. Also, published in 1993, some datedness has to be overlooked.
August 9, 2025
I was reading in hopes of getting inspiration for my project, which didn't really end up happening, but I honestly really ended up enjoying it. It read very well in tandem with the Power of Myth which I finished a few weeks ago, but instead of focusing on mythology in various cultures, it focused on how we form our own life narratives, or "personal myths". The last chapter encouraged the reader to go through the life narrative interview with another person, and I couldn't help but be reminded of telling bios in society. I remember at the time, it did feel somehow extremely cathartic to take stock of my entire life and think of how I would best narrate it to an audience. Through the process of making it, I felt I had to process the meaning of various events and tie it all together. This processes feels important for connecting to the self and understanding your place in the world. This makes me want to do this again, even with people who already know my life quite well, because I think this process is itself important.
July 6, 2024
Lovely exploration of the narrative autobiographical tone we use to make sense of our life. He was thorough in his explanation (and academically rigorous as well) of the concepts of agency (more individualistic) and communion (more pluralistic) and their role in meaning making as it happens at various stages of a person's life.
The case studies were especially helpful in illustrating his point.
However there tended to be parts of repetition in his essays, and I found it hard to buy his concept of imagoes, which is rather ill-defined in comparison to Jungian archetypes. His criticism of the latter concept is the uncertainty over the existence of a collective unconscious, while the booster reason for his imago theory happens to be their grounding in cultural experiences; what is the collective unconscious but the condensation of the most important cultural values?
The case studies were especially helpful in illustrating his point.
However there tended to be parts of repetition in his essays, and I found it hard to buy his concept of imagoes, which is rather ill-defined in comparison to Jungian archetypes. His criticism of the latter concept is the uncertainty over the existence of a collective unconscious, while the booster reason for his imago theory happens to be their grounding in cultural experiences; what is the collective unconscious but the condensation of the most important cultural values?
October 28, 2020
I’m glad I read it; it’s a foundational book in the field of narrative psychology. But it was a bit dated especially in the chapter about infant attachment, really emphasized Erickson, and the chapter about the drives for power and love wasn’t compelling. So, I’m glad I read it but also glad I didn’t buy it.
January 7, 2024
The last chapter of this book was the most useful to me, with the idea of breaking your life story up into chapters, important moments, guiding figures. Quite revealing to think through your life that way. The rest of the book seems to me to be a synthesis of research, ideas on the self or the creation of the self, i.e., different psychologists' thoughts.
September 11, 2018
Good book- I like a lot of the ideas, and really like the practice of writing a Life Story, but the book was very wordy and long, if it had been shorter and cut to the point a little quicker, I would have liked it even more.
Still liked it though.
Still liked it though.
July 26, 2025
Though an older book with some dated cultural references, the research and data holds up related to the stories we find ourselves in, the stories we create about ourselves, and the archetypes most stories involve. Lives and archetypes of “agency and/or communion” aka “power and/or love.”
September 5, 2018
OK. A bit too dry for me, but to be fair, I did not realize it is more of a textbook. I was reading because of my interest in constructionism.
September 27, 2018
Great book. This is the kind of psychology that is meaningful to me these days.
March 25, 2019
Good overview of ideas, but nothing deep.
October 19, 2020
Finished reading this for a class I"m teaching. More about it after class ends.
June 5, 2022
Excellent book for anyone studying narrative analysis in psychology. The research is presented in an easy-to-read manner that keeps you engaged.
August 8, 2025
Stellar text. Well written, with clearly presented theories with exceptional insights.
June 18, 2015
Five, mostly because this made me think...think hard. And that's not easy to do with most books.
I absolutely believe we see the world as story. I believe story is what connects humans, and what moves humans. I believe the quest pattern is embedded in our DNA. So, of course this book intrigued me.
McAdams analyzes our lives and stages in our lives as story components -- tone, theme, characters, mythic forms, images...and imagoes.
Throughout our lives, we work on one component or another...children, adolescents, adults. We're constructing our story, living it, adjusting it, usually without really understanding all this interior work.
I was fascinated especially with his concept of motivational themes. He says we create themes around our motives...agency or communion, or a combination of both, or an absence of both. Agency is doing, making, creating, moving...Communion is connecting, assisting, building and nurturing relationships. Our imagoes, or images of ourselves, can be traced back to these themes. Strong agency? You may be a warrior, a traveler, a sage, a maker. Strong communion? Lover, caretaker, friend...Both? healer, teacher, counselor, humanist, arbiter. Neither? Escapist or survivor. I love that healer and teacher and counselor are considered to be strong in both power and action, and support and nurturing.
His theories about adolescent mythmaking hit home, as we have two teens in the family. Those questions of identity, of values and beliefs, become so important. McAdams tells us they need safe havens to experiment with their identity, and to try new roles. It's so hard to give that freedom, but I understand why we must.
As an old woman, I'm fascinated by his discussion of mid-life and beyond, and the desire in some of us to leave a legacy. He calls that generative integration...contributing something that will outlive us in some way. The combination of agency (power) and communion (love) give us motivation to reach to the future.
McAdams ends the book with the series of interview questions he and his researchers used to build his theories of myth-making. I think they could be useful as writing prompts, even without having an interviewer.
Powerful book that makes me think.
Two lines that resonated:
"The teacher seeks to leave a legacy of the self for the next generation."
And his quote of Erik Erikson: "I am what survives me."
I absolutely believe we see the world as story. I believe story is what connects humans, and what moves humans. I believe the quest pattern is embedded in our DNA. So, of course this book intrigued me.
McAdams analyzes our lives and stages in our lives as story components -- tone, theme, characters, mythic forms, images...and imagoes.
Throughout our lives, we work on one component or another...children, adolescents, adults. We're constructing our story, living it, adjusting it, usually without really understanding all this interior work.
I was fascinated especially with his concept of motivational themes. He says we create themes around our motives...agency or communion, or a combination of both, or an absence of both. Agency is doing, making, creating, moving...Communion is connecting, assisting, building and nurturing relationships. Our imagoes, or images of ourselves, can be traced back to these themes. Strong agency? You may be a warrior, a traveler, a sage, a maker. Strong communion? Lover, caretaker, friend...Both? healer, teacher, counselor, humanist, arbiter. Neither? Escapist or survivor. I love that healer and teacher and counselor are considered to be strong in both power and action, and support and nurturing.
His theories about adolescent mythmaking hit home, as we have two teens in the family. Those questions of identity, of values and beliefs, become so important. McAdams tells us they need safe havens to experiment with their identity, and to try new roles. It's so hard to give that freedom, but I understand why we must.
As an old woman, I'm fascinated by his discussion of mid-life and beyond, and the desire in some of us to leave a legacy. He calls that generative integration...contributing something that will outlive us in some way. The combination of agency (power) and communion (love) give us motivation to reach to the future.
McAdams ends the book with the series of interview questions he and his researchers used to build his theories of myth-making. I think they could be useful as writing prompts, even without having an interviewer.
Powerful book that makes me think.
Two lines that resonated:
"The teacher seeks to leave a legacy of the self for the next generation."
And his quote of Erik Erikson: "I am what survives me."
February 5, 2008
I wouldn't be surprised if this book is sometimes used as a text in narrative psychology classes. I've picked it up and read it in chunks, each time enjoying and learning from what McAdams offers. I wanted to give it 4.5 stars. McAdams is brilliant. He describes in detail how we write our own stories as a myth--and then live by them. Nevertheless, it rubs up against some of my core beliefs about story and identity that I cannot yet articulate. Perhaps that's why this interests me so. Isn't it when we quit telling the same old stories, that we are free to make choices in living our lives?
I have several other books by McAdams on my shelf as narrative therapy is an interest of mine. I suspect they'll make it to my list over time.
I have several other books by McAdams on my shelf as narrative therapy is an interest of mine. I suspect they'll make it to my list over time.
April 10, 2009
with both carl jung and joseph campbell's insightful works, there is no denying that humans delve into myth to make sense of themselves and environment. while this book explores narrative myth in self-creation, i did not find the divisions between agency and communion particularly enlightening. in fact, i found this categorization method more of a distraction because it attempted to cover all role types based on this distinction. familiar archetypes, such as the warrior, become a more encompassing imago under the banner of agency. it is evident that identity evolves, so the incorporation or synthesis of agency/communion imagoes to generativity in later years is a logical discussion. i just did not find this book as practical or insightful as i anticipated.
June 20, 2013
This book reminds me of how to retell and restory to recreate one's past. At times, so do I think it might be awesome to re-imagine my past and ongoing events and episode in a new way. Particularly, chapter 1, The meaning of life and stories has a great character named Margaret who desecrates the chapel to recast her personal myth in self-fulfillment because she doesn't want to pass the same pain onto her daughter. She chose to reconcile her awful experiences with energy and forward direction. I think this is how people live in their own world storied and at the same time, we story in our own world lived everyday and every second because as McAdam remarks, the unfolding stories of life is revealed more by the telling than by the actual events told.
March 26, 2010
The author is a psychologist who is interested in the way we build the meaning of our lives, selecting experiences and relationships to become the characters and themes in our personal stories. He believes we are all constantly building these stories throughout our lives, but taking the time to lay them out an reflect on them can help us think about our purpose and see where we're going.
His approach is more natural than many psychological tests, and isn't intended to be a self-help book. It's also much more social than many traditional psychological trends, since it seeks to contexutalize the meaning of your life within your relationships and culture.
His approach is more natural than many psychological tests, and isn't intended to be a self-help book. It's also much more social than many traditional psychological trends, since it seeks to contexutalize the meaning of your life within your relationships and culture.
June 1, 2008
Wonderful! A fascinating book about how we think of/narrate our lives and the ways we may divide our selves into different "characters". I loved this book (and it also happened to be a great help in thinking about my dissertation).
January 6, 2010
I identified with the ideas in this book, about how we create a narrative of our life and relate to certain archetypes.
September 6, 2010
So many things happen to us in our lives and we only remember a few. McAdams postulates a theory for why we choose to remember what we do and how we make sense of our life experiences. Fascinating.
October 12, 2010
I've read this book twice before. Thought-provoking, but I'm not sure I agree with the message.
December 7, 2011
Outstanding and accessible book. It should be useful to anyone in the caring profession as well as anyone struggling with their sense of self.
November 22, 2015
An engaging and accessible exploration of how we write the stories of our life and why those stories are important in shaping where we go next.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews